lynn1954 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 (edited) I'm a former OW. It was so hard to end the affair, so hard to get through the NC, and then get over the pain and all the bad feelings. Are you in the middle of it right now? I send my deepest sympathy, and I encourage you to believe that you can handle whatever crummy mess you're in, no matter how complicated and ugly. I don't have a fairy-tale ending to describe to you (yet) ... after leaving the affair, I haven't yet found a "perfect" single man, a soul mate, a wonderful new relationship. That hasn't happened yet. What I do have TODAY is peace of mind, and realistic hope. I have peace of mind that I'm not settling for an incomplete and flawed relationship with a married man, despite his many true charms and my feeling that we would've been soul mates if we'd met when he was single. He's not single, so shoulda-coulda-woulda is irrelevant. I have realistic hope that I'll meet a new single man who is good for me, and that we love each other in the best possible way. And I'm 60 years old; many of you are younger so you have more years to recover. Many women lose a man who was "perfect" for them ... a husband or boyfriend who dies, a husband who asks for a divorce, a boyfriend who chooses someone else, or a man who seems perfect but he's married to someone else. Somehow, they find a new relationship. I think of the women who lost their soul mate in the World Trade Center, Abby Rike of the Biggest Loser whose husband and children were killed in a car accident, several women whose husbands blindsided them by asking for a divorce. So many of them went on to find a new love. Doesn't matter if the new love was better, worse or simply different than the original love. As I said, getting out of an affair with a married man gave me peace of mind and hope. It was so hard to end it with him. I did it despite the difficulty. I succeeded in ending the affair, and I'm happy that I ended it. Edited March 2, 2014 by lynn1954 4
herself Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Very encouraging to read this. I feel *almost the same...a bit of a roller coaster of emotions still but feeling more relieved by the day which I NEVER thought I would say! How long ago did you end it? Your attitude is wonderful after 5 years? Almost wondering if you might be in denial stage? I hope not. Hugs!
sunburned Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I'm a former OW. It was so hard to end the affair, so hard to get through the NC, and then get over the pain and all the bad feelings. Are you in the middle of it right now? I send my deepest sympathy, and I encourage you to believe that you can handle whatever crummy mess you're in, no matter how complicated and ugly. I don't have a fairy-tale ending to describe to you (yet) ... after leaving the affair, I haven't yet found a "perfect" single man, a soul mate, a wonderful new relationship. That hasn't happened yet. What I do have TODAY is peace of mind, and realistic hope. I have peace of mind that I'm not settling for an incomplete and flawed relationship with a married man, despite his many true charms and my feeling that we would've been soul mates if we'd met when he was single. He's not single, so shoulda-coulda-woulda is irrelevant. I have realistic hope that I'll meet a new single man who is good for me, and that we love each other in the best possible way. And I'm 60 years old; many of you are younger so you have more years to recover. Many women lose a man who was "perfect" for them ... a husband or boyfriend who dies, a husband who asks for a divorce, a boyfriend who chooses someone else, or a man who seems perfect but he's married to someone else. Somehow, they find a new relationship. I think of the women who lost their soul mate in the World Trade Center, Abby Rike of the Biggest Loser whose husband and children were killed in a car accident, several women whose husbands blindsided them by asking for a divorce. So many of them went on to find a new love. Doesn't matter if the new love was better, worse or simply different than the original love. As I said, getting out of an affair with a married man gave me peace of mind and hope. It was so hard to end it with him. I did it despite the difficulty. I succeeded in ending the affair, and I'm happy that I ended it. Thanks for the great post! I especially like the boldfaced part. I have seen a few former OW come back and post their stories of triumph, but the "triumph" seems to be on the coat tails of a new relationship. It makes you wonder if they ever did the work to find out how they got involved in an affair in the first place -- or were they able to walk simply because they stumbled into a new (single man) relationship. I like how you did this on your own, got healthy and only now feel ready to pursue a new relationship. I hope you find someone wonderful! 1
Author lynn1954 Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 "herself" asked some questions above, here are answers: it's been about a year since the affair ended. At that time, we'd been together 4 years and some months, so sometimes I describe it as 4 years and sometimes as 5. It hasn't been easy, I often feel lonely and sometimes feel sad. I'm not in denial, and I didn't intend to make it sound like I'm happy all the time now. I'm just feeling normal and stable again, with the typical ups 'n' downs of life, rather than the previous desperate drama. Thanks for responding!
herself Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Thats wonderful! Was in no way trying to poke at you or doubting your progress. Was moreso reflecting for myself each time I find a tearfree stretch or feel strong I think Im past it....turns out Im usually in denial or bargaining. Im so glad to see a year passed, what an amazing accomplishment WOW!
Recommended Posts