BIG RED MACHINE Posted January 23, 2005 Posted January 23, 2005 Hello everyone, to start off I have been dating my gf for 5 months now. Everything has been going so well and we get along so well its incredible. There is only 2 problem, problem 1 She keeps talking about her ex boyfriend all the time and its getting on my nerves a bit. Lately her ex has started dating another women and has cheated on her several times. My gf talks to me about this and I think she blams herself or she still may have feelings for him in some way. Although my gf broke up with him cause she says she didnt feel that way about him. Her and her friends are all friends with him since they have to get along since they are in the board of governors for a college and will soon all be traveling to DC for a meeting, which I understand. The other night she told me that her friends are trying to get her to go talk with her ex about what he is doing, meaning cheating on his current girlfriend. I dont believe this is her problem since she is no longer dating him and she is dating me, I told her this and she got a bit upset, she said. " what part dont you get, I broke up with him, he had his whole life planned out for us and now that I broke up with him he is ruining his life and she feels she needs to talk with him ". I guess I can be a bit jealous, but who isnt, I also found out her ex is still calling her parents house and acting all chummy with them, for instance he called them the other day to tell them that he passed them on the road, in my opinion who cares this is a small town, should I call my ex's parents everytime I pass them on the road, lol. I think he is just trying to score points with her parents despit all the crap he is pulling lately, and when I talk to her about this, she says he considers her family his second family which I am not comfortable with him lingering around. Second problem, after talking with her last night I was lead to believe we were getting together the following night, so since I have 2 weeks off work and on vacation I stayed in town to spend it with her. I got ready to go out with her this last saturday night when she got off work at 10pm and she backed out on me. We only live about 1 mile apart and I havent got to see her for 5 days now, and its a weekend on top of it. She went out the other night with all her friends when it was a school night to go to a dance and she wouldn't go out with me on a weekend, I just dont understand what is going on I guess, I feel like I am being left on the back burner lataely. Please let me know your opinion on this matter, I kinda tried to shorten it up so hopefully it makes sense, thanks.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 WOW all I can say is ick - I certainly understand why you are confused. Sounds like your g/f's ex is still very much in her life. Did they grow up together? Could this be why there is a lingering bond with her and her family? It doesn't sound to me like there is any threat from the ex b/f - otherwise she wouldn't be telling you about it. However it is clear she feels some guilt over the one to have ended it. Frankly I agree with you on the ex thing - what he's doing is none of her business - again leads me to believe they have a long attachment - not just as true exes. On the other hand - the fact that she can go out with her friends and not you is something else entirely. Is there a reason you were not included? This would be of greater concern to me. If it were me, I would discuss this with her - but I'm a girl and that's what girls do. She certainly has not shown any consideration for you, from what you've written about postponing your vacation to see her, and then her not showing. Again I suggest you discuss this with her - otherwise you'll just never know.
Author BIG RED MACHINE Posted January 24, 2005 Author Posted January 24, 2005 Hello Curiousnycgirl, thanks for the response, the reason I wasn't invited to go with her friends to the dance that night is because I was working and I understand that part. The part that I dont understand is she says she Loves me so much and all and I feel the same, Ive never loved someone so much as her. I know in my heart she is a good person but sometimes I think she is to nice and nieve about some things I guess. I guess I think that when people love each other they don't go 5 days without seeing each other especially when they live so close to each other, only living about 1 mile away from her. I don't understand how she can go out on a school night at 10 pm to go to a dance with her friends but on a weekend after she gets done at work why we can't get together for a while, she says its to late and just about time for bed. But when I log onto messenger at 1 am she is still online chatting with her friends and she gets done at work at 10 pm same time as when she left for the dance the other night. I believe you are right when you say she may feel guilty about breaking up with him and she may be closer to him than she thinks. The first date I went on with her, her ex came over and put his arms around her and she didn't tell him to stop, that still bothers me to this day, but I let it go since it was the first date, I can only take so much before I start to get irritated, and this guy is irritateing me. He treats her like crap now that they broke up, I wish she would see that. I love her so much I just want to spend some time with her, even if its only an hr, know what I mean. I don't see how she can think its ok with me that her ex keeps poking his nose into everything, and she keeps talking about him to me, its getting old and I would never expect her to put up with me talking about my ex all the time and how would she feel if my ex was still calling and poking around, and if you are wondering none of us have any kids. I just want things to be like they were the first 3 months we dated thats all, things were perfect then.
upsetnhurt Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 You should read my thread entitled "Foolish act or trait" for advice given to me as I was in the same situation yet my ex's ex went to greater lengths than just calling my ex's parents and acting chummy. Take it from me that you will need to lay down the law real early (as in ASAP) in terms of letting her know that her involvement with her ex is unacceptable. Unfortunately your ex still has unresolved issues with her past. Not to say she wants to get back with him now yet she will never be able to be 100% with you until she completely lets go of her ex. I would take a step back if she does not agree and let her know that you can't risk the heartbreak as I realize you are fully willing to put the effort that is needed to make the relationship work. It will hurt I am sure yet I will tell you that life does go on. I am out of my relationship for 2 months now.
curiousnycgirl Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Well things are always fabulous the first 3 months - that's the honeymoon stage! Then in walks real life. You are now at the point in your relationship where you begin to find out if it is truly sustainable. Can you work yourselves into a routine? Do you still enjoy the time spent together - now that it is not so new, etc. Of course for all that to happen - you need to actually spend time together! Which brings me back to the fact that you need to discuss these things with her. I am not certain I would "lay down the law" about the ex - but I would certainly tell her how it makes you feel. And I would certainly tell her that you feel this guy treats her in an unacceptable manner - which leads you to believe she should cut off all contact. You can recommend, but you cannot dictate - that just isn't a good idea. Similarly I would not suggest an ultimatum about the fact that you feel a need to spend more time together. Again you need to let her know how you feel about it, and what you would like. If after all that things do not change, I would say she is sending you a very strong message that she is unwilling to change despite your feelings. Remember actions speak louder than words!
upsetnhurt Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 thanks for clarifying "lay down the law" curiousnyc......I would hate for that to be taken out of context. One can't provide an ultimatum here. Your letting her know of your feelings is sufficient and if she responds favorably then you have a chance at success. If not, just be careful and take it step by step.
Author BIG RED MACHINE Posted January 24, 2005 Author Posted January 24, 2005 Thanks for the input, I am going to attempt to talk with her about it, and see how it goes, im not going to tell her she HAS to do what I say, for that would not be fair. I will tell her how I feel and see what she has to say about it and hopefully she will understand and we can come to some sort of agreement. But like you all said and like I read in upsetnhurts forum, for some reason she blams herself for his actions. She keeps telling me he was always good to her and never cheated on her when they dated, but now that they broke up he started cheating and she said she hates to see him ruin his life. I don't like to see people ruiln there lives either, but I think its a game to get my gf's attention and it seems to be working very well. I don't trust him.
BoatingBabe Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 From my own personal experience, when someone still has contact with their ex's...it's not really over...at least not in their mind.
Mary3 Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Big Red Flag here.....If she is either talking about her EX in a positive or a negative way ..this means she still thinks about him...enough so that she brings him into all your conversations...meaning if they still talk about the EX ,...they are NOT over them. No matter what she says. I am going by her ACTIONS not her WORDS and so should YOU ! If it walks like a skunk..smells like a skunk....then it probrobly IS a skunk. Meaning watch out here...too much friendly stuff going on here and her defensiveness means you are very likely to get DUMPED here in the near future...Dont be surprised...be prepared...the skunk has come out of the bushes ...
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