PreppyPoppy Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 (My apologies in advance for being wordy! ) I have a really good friend that I am currently a little hurt and upset with and I am not sure how to properly handle it or if I am just being a total you-know-what about the entire thing. Both of us have been looking on and off for a new job for at least a year now. While we are both currently employed, neither one of us are happy with what we are doing and with who. Between the two of us, I would have to say I have been the one that has been taking it more seriously and have been on many, many interviews and then either not getting selected or never hearing from the recruiter again. He looks every once in a while and might apply for a job here and there, but that’s about it. Well in the last couple of weeks, he was unexpectedly knocked down from full time to part time as part of the company’s “cost cutting measures” and he has been taking it kind of hard. Being the good friend that I like to think I am, I have offered him to talk to me about it (or anything for that matter really) since I really care for him a lot and just wanted to be there the best way I can despite us currently living in different states. He has vented to me about how bummed out he is about this. He also mentioned how depressed it makes him feel because he sees his other friends successful at this point in their lives and he is not, at least in his eyes, how it bothers him, etc. I’ve listened, offered a few suggestions, told him how it is not his fault really, that I don’t think he is a “failure”, etc etc. He has thanked me and saying talking about it has helped to relieve some of the stress he has been feeling. While I wish I could do more, at least it is a start. Recently both of us at the same time heard something back each from separate jobs we have applied for. He had to go in and take an assessment and I had back-to-back phone interviews that quickly escalated to a final in-person interview. Both the scheduled assessment and in-person interview were on the same day. I went to the interview and left with a pretty good feeling after it. I sent him a text asking him how his assessment went and he responded back to that. After a couple texts back and forth about it, the texting stopped without him asking how my interview went. No biggie; he had to work that night so did not have a chance to talk then. The following day we did talk for a little bit but the conversation was focused on him mostly with trying to apply for Obamacare now and also all of the plans he is working on in order to get something in place to get back to full-time status. I did not feel comfortable bringing up my interview given how awkward it would have been to switch gears on him and he did not ask, which I admit DID hurt my feelings a little bit. The very next day rolls around and I get the dreaded response back from the recruiter that I did not get the job that I REALLY wanted. I texted him about that with being bummed by the news and he responds back with a quick “sorry to hear that”. My response was “yeah, thanks” because… well… I guess I was expecting something more, like asking if I wanted to talk about it for example. He didn’t respond to that text and I feel like he has been avoiding me since then. I THINK what has me frustrated is that when he was the one feeling all bummed out, I made sure to focus on him and offer him someone to vent to or to have a conversation about what is going on with him. But when the tables turned, he just disappears on me. Overall he has been very nice to me and I don’t want this to get blown out of proportion, but for the first time ever with him (and I have known him for a few years now) I am very disappointed and saddened that the one time I needed him, he wasn’t there for me after all the times I was there for him. I just don’t know how to bring it up with him. While I don’t want to make him feel like crap, I feel like I should let him know how he hurt me with his seemingly lack of caring. But then again I know he has probably been a little stressed out lately given what has happened. The thing is I have been stressed out as well (although for different reasons compared to his) but I still didn't let that stop me from giving him the attention he needed when he wanted someone to talk to. Any suggestions on how to handle this?
HokeyReligions Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 (edited) Ditto what other say Edited March 3, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author PreppyPoppy Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 Oh great.... dare I ask if something happened? I come back to see a ton of views which may or may not mean anything except that the only "reply" I see is a "ditto" to something someone must have said (whatever that could have been) and that response being edited by a mod. It figures this probably got a negative reaction from people I am guessing. But still if a mod or whoever can fill me in, I would greatly appreciate it. 1
Raena Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Honestly, he probably just didn't think about it he's so wrapped up in what's going on in his life. Has he been the kind of guy to ask you about what's going on in your life and seem sincere in caring about what's going on with you before?
Author PreppyPoppy Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 Yes and no. What I mean is for the most part he has always been nice to me. Usually he asks how my day goes if he is in an okay enough mood. He has come to me several times wanting to vent (usually something work related) and I have always been there for him when he wants to do that – there have been a couple times where I change plans on someone just because he really needed somebody to talk to. I guess it is just the one time I needed him to talk to for a change and he just was not there. Despite the long nature of my post, while I don’t want to make him feel BAD about it, I feel like I should say something to him. Think where I feel stuck is how to bring it up to him without it turning all negative.
xxmusical Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Sorry to hear that you didn't get the job. As for your friend issue, I had some friends who were there when they needed me but gone when I needed them. Some people are like that, it sucks. You've given him your time and effort into this friendship, while he seems to be putting in less effort. I know we wish friendship is both ways and balanced, but sometimes it really isn't. Perhaps you could bring up how you want to talk to him about yourself this time (since previous conversations seem to revolve around him only) and mention that you want to talk to him because you trust him and count on him (raise up his ego a bit). Your friend is probably just too caught up with his own life ATM since you mentioned that he does ask about you when he's in a good enough mood. You know, some people feel like they should be selfless and help others no matter what, but sometimes it's okay to be a bit selfish and let others care for you instead. On a side note, why do you feel that your friend has been avoiding you? Good luck with everything!
Author PreppyPoppy Posted March 5, 2014 Author Posted March 5, 2014 I ended up talking with him last night and we had a good discussion. He realized that he could have responded better since he knew I was upset over the news but after talking about what happened that day on his end, I also realized that he might not have been in the best frame of mind. So I guess you could say we each learned something out of it! 1
stillafool Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 I kinda think it is a man thing. Female friends would probably call you and talk it out with you. Men not so much. I don't think he was trying to hurt you it's just that he has so much on his own plate to handle right now. Do you have any female friends you could talk to? 1
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