boxoftissues Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I meet a guy through on line dating, chatting first on the site then phone before meeting. We got on great and when we met it was still great. He was keen, perhaps too keen in that he was talking long term, marriage very quickly. I have slowed him down and he said that I'm very sensible. A friend suggested that he may of been testing the water. His marriage broke down 4 years ago, divorced 2 years. The problem - He was in a dark place when his marriage broke down and just recovering from it. I didn't know initially but it has come to light that he suffered a drink problem following the breakdown of his marriage but sort help after his sister encouraged him to do so. She said that he turned himself around but two weeks ago he traveled to see me for the weekend, got here early so went to the pub, had too much to drink, got caught and is going to court in two weeks time. He has lost his job and he has told me that because of the volume of drink he may looking at a prison sentence. This may only be for a short time as a first offence (this is true as I have checked). He will loose his licence for at least a year. He let his wife and kids have everything and is living in rented accommodation. He said he will give up his flat as the transport system where he lives is rubbish and will look for a place near me. He has already bought several of his belongings over to my place and said he will put the rest in storage as he believes he will go to jail. This may not happen but if the level was high as he suggested the likely hood is great. I will help him if i can but this is an early relationship (I was only just getting to know him) due to all of this i feel i have got to know him very quickly as he has been very open with me. I don't know if this is someone I want to continue a relationship with, it was early days of getting to know one another. I feel for him and like him. How do I proceed? He is out on his luck, a desperate man and as they say desperate people do desperate things. I don't want to be someones only option. Neither do i want to be heartless. I've thought I'd see how this goes as I have told him that I'll help but I'm not a soft touch and that he is the one who has to turn things around and do the right things. My gut feeling jumps from he really likes me and is keen to I'm being used.
TaraMaiden Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Gosh, this is a hard one: I can only give you the following: Always be on your guard, and learn to distinguish the difference between Idiot Compassion, and Wise Compassion.... Idiot Compassion has an agenda. It is there because in your mind, you wish to be seen as loving, accommodating, considerate, altruistic and to an extent, self-sacrificing. It's an image you seek to cultivate, in order to at least put yourself in some form of 'good light' in the eyes of others. You want to be thanked, appreciated or simply noticed for having 'made the gesture'. You wish to be seen as reliable, giving, and generous with your time and consideration. And it can keep you stuck in the quagmire of always 'putting out', but never 'getting back'. Yet, you persist, because you hope, that maybe at one small moment, this trend will change..... Wise Compassion Enables, without losing anything of yourself. It is not always gentle, kind, silent and partisan. It is impartial, non-judgemental and completely altruistic - but also discriminating and considerate, and evaluates the most favourable method of supporting both the giver and the receiver, without any visible detriment to either. Wise Compassion enables the giver to remain untainted by the choices of another, because Wise Compassion leads the way with the benefit of all in mind; but if not all choose to abide by its Principles, then they have nobody to blame for their collapse, but themselves. Wise Compassion considers the well-being, mental safety and emotional stability of the primary giver, first and foremost. Wise Compassion starts with ourselves. (Please note, when I use the term 'you' it is in a Generic sense, not specific. I don't mean you, I mean, "you".... ) Think carefully about what you will permit, and won't permit, to take residence in your heart. 1
Author boxoftissues Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 Thanks, that was so well said and I've noted the wisdom in it.
Gaeta Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Is that really the man you have chosen for yourself? Would that man be good enough for your daughter? If not, why is he good enough for you?
Author boxoftissues Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 This is it, he's not but what do you do when faced with someone who needs help. Yes i could leave him, tell him i don't want to see him again now but isn't that a bit mean. He is down on his luck, his fault I know. He has no one. he has his sister who is a long way away and said she has had enough of his behaviour (there is a wonder why). I want to help and will do it as wisely as i can. I want to get to a point where i feel he is ok and can move on ok. I know I will have to be very strong here. If/when he goes to jail I hope he can reflect on his issues. I have already guided him to seek help again with his drinking. Any advice is welcome. I will take care of myself first!
TaraMaiden Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 (edited) This is it, he's not but what do you do when faced with someone who needs help. First of all, evaluate what kind of help he needs, and whether you are able to provide it. Yes i could leave him, tell him i don't want to see him again now but isn't that a bit mean. Is it 'mean' of him to off-load all his problems onto you and expect your nurturing side to support him, when it's patently obvious he's actually his own worst enemy? He is down on his luck, his fault I know. My point exactly.... He has no one. well, obviously this is not true.... he has his sister who is a long way away and said she has had enough of his behaviour (there is a wonder why). ...so he does HAVE someone - but this someone is fed up to the back teeth of his shenanigans... If she's known him all his life, and is done with him.... don't you think that's worth taking notice of? if his own 'nearest and dearest' are fed up to the back teeth of him - maybe they have a point.... I want to help and will do it as wisely as i can. Good. What's your plan? What do you propose to do, to get him to be pro-active? I want to get to a point where i feel he is ok and can move on ok. No. No, no, no, no, no.... You need HIM to get to the point where HE feels HE is ok, and he can move on ok. You don't need to do any of the work here. He does. This isn't on you. This is on him. That's the 'Idiot Compassion' I was talking about..... I know I will have to be very strong here. No, you don't. He does. You just have to give him a map book and let him find his own way.... If/when he goes to jail I hope he can reflect on his issues. he will need to do more than just 'reflect'. He can apply for some form of moral psychological assistance, such as counselling or therapy. But he has to do it, and he has to do it for himself..... I have already guided him to seek help again with his drinking. And what has he actually done about that? Not "What did he respond with?" or "What did he say?" What has he DONE? I will take care of myself first! Which I hope means 'I haven't yet formed a sufficiently close attachment to this guy, and I can actually walk away from this any time I want, with no lasting damage to my heart, at all.....' Is this what you mean? Because if it isn't - then you haven't. Edited March 3, 2014 by TaraMaiden
FitChick Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 By the time someone is facing prison, he has made a lot of bad choices along the way. You aren't responsible for him. You can't do anything for him other than perhaps be a friendly voice on the phone or send a supportive email as a platonic friend. Date other men. Seriously.
Author boxoftissues Posted March 4, 2014 Author Posted March 4, 2014 ok, he does appear to be getting on with sorting things out regarding help with his drinking and finding accommodation best placed for someone without a car. And I'm getting on with my life. Yes I'm a bit attached to him, so ok wise compassion. Think he will be gone anyway when I've outlived my purposefulness ie life to court, storage of his things until he finds somewhere.
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