My BF likes to travel often, and by himself.

[Tallbeach]

My BF and I have been dating for 2 years. He is 46, 10 years my senior, and has never been married or had children because he was worried things wouldn't work out. We are both financially dependant, and live separately.

He gets much more vacation time than I do, and has more freedom to do, as I have a 5 year old daughter of whom I have full custody.

He often goes on trips by himself. Not weekend trips with the boys, but 2 week adventures to exotic locations. At the end of the month he has 2 weeks planned in Argentina. I was not invited to come along, but wouldn't be able to go had I been invited. He also seems to plan his vacations at times when he knows I cannot travel. He has 2 weeks planned in Chile right before Christmas, after I told him early December is not a possibility for me.

I guess I thought our relationship would have progressed more than it has in our 2 years. He is yet to tell me he loves me, though I think he does, as he writes it on notes and cards. He also just upgraded his house and there was no mention about the possibility of moving in together, as he is looking for "roommates" to rent out vacant rooms to.

Am I right to feel slighted by his desire to travel alone? Even if I more often than not couldn't participate? And does his lack of commitment seem strange to anybody but myself?

In our everyday activities we get along well, but I feel like he cares for his bachelor lifestyle more than he cares for me. Also, last summer I found out he had an active profile on a website called "fit singles" where he was actively looking for female travel companions.

I think I probably already know the answers to these questions, but maybe I just need to know I'm not being silly. Another issue is, we live in a very small community, so the chance of finding another person to date is pretty much zip. I look forward to any comments or advice. Thanks

[BradJacobs]

last summer I found out he had an active profile on a website called "fit singles" where he was actively looking for female travel companions.

 

Another issue is, we live in a very small community, so the chance of finding another person to date is pretty much zip.

Fear of being alone should not make one blind to the obvious.

[Gottabestrong]

Sorry Sweetie, it does not sound good. My advice would be to sit him down and talk to him about all the concerns you mentioned here and see what he has to say. If you want you could post them here and get some different interpretations of what that means.

 

Good luck!

[nomadic_butterfly]

My BF and I have been dating for 2 years. He is 46, 10 years my senior, and has never been married or had children because he was worried things wouldn't work out. We are both financially dependant, and live separately.

He gets much more vacation time than I do, and has more freedom to do, as I have a 5 year old daughter of whom I have full custody.

He often goes on trips by himself. Not weekend trips with the boys, but 2 week adventures to exotic locations. At the end of the month he has 2 weeks planned in Argentina. I was not invited to come along, but wouldn't be able to go had I been invited. He also seems to plan his vacations at times when he knows I cannot travel. He has 2 weeks planned in Chile right before Christmas, after I told him early December is not a possibility for me.

I guess I thought our relationship would have progressed more than it has in our 2 years. He is yet to tell me he loves me, though I think he does, as he writes it on notes and cards. He also just upgraded his house and there was no mention about the possibility of moving in together, as he is looking for "roommates" to rent out vacant rooms to.

Am I right to feel slighted by his desire to travel alone? Even if I more often than not couldn't participate? And does his lack of commitment seem strange to anybody but myself?

In our everyday activities we get along well, but I feel like he cares for his bachelor lifestyle more than he cares for me. Also, last summer I found out he had an active profile on a website called "fit singles" where he was actively looking for female travel companions.

I think I probably already know the answers to these questions, but maybe I just need to know I'm not being silly. Another issue is, we live in a very small community, so the chance of finding another person to date is pretty much zip. I look forward to any comments or advice. Thanks

 

He already told you his philosophy and where he stood from the beginning and you went right along with it. He obviously is using you for convenience but is hooking up with other women when he travels. A lot of the aforementioned countries are ladened with prostitutes and for the sake of your health, if not your sanity and dignity, you need to axe this "relationship" (if you could even call it that). Clearly there's only one person in it.

[beach]

It doesn't look like a committed relationship. Is it supposed to be?

 

When you found out he was on a website to find women to travel with - did you ask him about it?

 

Have you been tested for diseases? Do that right away.

 

He may travel and take someone else with him - he may go alone so he has the chance to do what he wants while he's there.

[writergal]

I think you should talk to him about your concerns because you have a right to know what he wants from you, and to tell him what you want from him. If you want to live with him then ask him if you can move in. If you want him to go on vacation with you, then plan a vacation and invite him to join you. Don't give him all the power here just because he's 10 years older than you. You have a right to have your needs met. If he joined a dating site while he's dating you, I don't think he's that committed to the relationship. Even though you live in a small community that doesn't mean you can't find someone else to date.

[carhill]

Presuming you meant 'financially independent', IMO you and he simply have different lifestyles. He's a longtime bachelor who enjoys a lover and you're a mom with a daughter who is attracted to a particular man. He has the freedom to travel and apparently enjoys it. You have domestic responsibilities. Both lifestyles are valid and can be healthy, in and of themselves. The 'rub' is in synergy. At his age, don't expect him to change if this is what he likes.

 

I hate to sound like our MC but IMO you have a decision to make. Welcome to LS

[Tallbeach]

To be fair, he did not tell me his philosophy from the start. He persued me, and when we first spoke it, he said that the idea of marriage seemed very romantic to him, and that he hadn't found the right person. When I confronted him about the dating website he said that he had been a member since long before we were together, and that he just looked at his profile because there were so many people doing so many interesting things on there. Also, the particular woman he asked to go on a cycling tour had apparently been a friend of his for 20 years, though I had never heard about her before.

Before his last trip to San Fransisco, I told him that I wasn't OK with his travelling, but his response was that's they way he designed his life, and he wants to experience as much as possible so he can say he had an interesting life.

And yes, I can't think of a single datable person in the community, but that's not my problem. I guess it is time to make some lifestyle changes before I waste anymore time on someone not willing to give me any of his time.

[BradJacobs]

Does he need to rent the rooms out to strangers in order to remain financially independent, is he going to use the rental income to help you both as a couple (move towards joint residence, ring, etc.) or is it so he can afford to travel more without you?

 

If I were in your shoes and my partner rented out rooms in her home which directly impacted our privacy when I visited, then I'd naturally want most of our nights in to be at mine. In which case I would probably be more than resentful that they are reaping the benefits of rental income and using it on their own selfish endeavors while I must bear the burden of hosting more frequently.

 

See where I am going with this?

 

Two years is long enough in that you should know the answers to these questions.

[Tallbeach]

Presuming you meant 'financially independent', IMO you and he simply have different lifestyles. He's a longtime bachelor who enjoys a lover and you're a mom with a daughter who is attracted to a particular man. He has the freedom to travel and apparently enjoys it. You have domestic responsibilities. Both lifestyles are valid and can be healthy, in and of themselves. The 'rub' is in synergy. At his age, don't expect him to change if this is what he likes.

 

I hate to sound like our MC but IMO you have a decision to make. Welcome to LS

And yes I meant financially "independent". Oops.

[Tallbeach]

Does he need to rent the rooms out to strangers in order to remain financially independent, is he going to use the rental income to help you both as a couple (move towards joint residence, ring, etc.) or is it so he can afford to travel more without you?

 

If I were in your shoes and my partner rented out rooms in her home which directly impacted our privacy when I visited, then I'd naturally want most of our nights in to be at mine. In which case I would probably be more than resentful that they are reaping the benefits of rental income and using it on their own selfish endeavors while I must bear the burden of hosting more frequently.

 

See where I am going with this?

 

Two years is long enough in that you should know the answers to these questions.

No, it certainly isn't to save $ to work towards a life together. It's so he can take as much time off work as possible to travel and not have to worry about his bills. Which I think is insane, because the privacy issue would be too much for me to handle. And you're right, I do carry more of the financial burden as he is always coming over here to eat, use the treadmill, sit in the hottub, etc.

[newmoon]

sounds like he's just a confirmed bachelor and you're not going to fit in with his lifestyle picture. if he's got the money and time and desire to travel he's going to best-suited to a woman who has that same freedom and not a woman who is tied to a young child and wouldn't be able to go on adventures like he's used to. could you really envision him with you and your kid in an exotic locale doing the types of things he obviously enjoys? no. you're not in a functional relationship with him, and if he hasn't said he loves you after 2 years, he clearly doesn't and never will, that's reality. a man doesn't decide to fall in love 2 years later and he doesn't wait that long to say it unless he has other issues, which this guy might, with commitment.

 

 

there is no such thing as a town too small to find dates in lol. just go online and get yourself on a dating service too and drive a few miles into the next biggest town.

[georgecostanza]

Hi

 

I'm somebody who travels a lot. Always a backpack over my shoulder, always somewhere else to go. I work to travel basically. I'm younger than you, mid-twenties, but maybe I'll be able to offer a bit of insight.

 

I've travelled with close friends, with girlfriends and alone. Travelling alone started being dictated initially by holidays that didn't match my friends, or me wanting to go places my friends weren't interested in. A lot of people think it's weird to go somewhere alone, but I actually struggle to go places with people now. There's a lot of reasons travelling alone is great, and a lot of well-travelled people I've met prefer it. First and foremost is that you're free to do whatever you want. This doesn't mean hooking up, necessarily, but more that you don't have to agree your sight-seeing schedule, your activities, your itinerary, your meal choices, whether you have a lazy beach day with anybody else. You can do what you want, at your own pace. You're anonymous in a foreign place and it is liberating. I've attempted to travel with people I had previously travelled with, and after travelling alone it's extremely trying to compromise on what you want to cater for somebody else's needs.

Secondly, you form stronger friendships travelling alone. I keep in regular touch with a lot more people that I met alone than I did travelling with friends or former flames. I have had romances this way but it's not at all like it is inevitable. It's just a combination of people finding you more approachable, you being more interested in making conversation because you have nobody with you, and the fact that you're in the same place probably indicating some similar interests. I've made some amazing friends this way.

Thirdly, style of travel. Is travelling with you and your child going to compromise on his preferred style of travel? Do you know if he prefers to stay in hostels, homestays, hotels? I prefer to stay in hostels or couchsurf as much as possible as I know I will meet people and have fun that way. If I stayed in a hotel I'd view it as faceless, I wouldn't meet any locals and the chances of striking up a decent conversation in a hotel bar are a lot slimmer compared to a hostel. The thing is, if I travel with friends or girlfriends, they will invariably want to stay in a hotel. That's already a downer for me. And then, say, I want to beat a track across the country I'm in, stopping in a few cities, enjoying the hustle and bustle of these new places, getting a sense of what life is like here. There's a good chance my partner or friends would not want to do this, but prefer to stay by a hotel pool or beach for the whole trip. Holiday. Ruined.

Fourth is alone time. Some people just need a lot of alone time. I know I do. It's not a negative thing towards partners as far as I'm concerned, I can still be deeply in love with a girl and not want to contact her a few nights a week. The same is true of holidays. They're famous for making or breaking relationships with the constant contact. It can be overbearing, you get into arguments. If you're somebody who, like me, enjoys and needs their own company, you can bypass that quite easily by just going somewhere alone.

 

That is my defence of travelling alone. Your boyfriend may have different reasons, it's not really for me to say. Him renting out his rooms would certainly seem to fit the profile of somebody who likes space though.

 

What I would be concerned about would be the dating website. It can be great to have a custom-built travel buddy (and I mean somebody that you don't already know), because you still have more freedom while you travel than with somebody you know well. There's nothing to stop you ditching them if you don't get along or whatever. And you're building a new friendship, it's cool. But I find the best place to make these connections is whilst travelling. I'd certainly say that looking for a female only travel buddy on a site called fit singles is inappropriate.

 

A poster above mentioned that he is probably sleeping with prostitutes whilst he's away. I'd be a bit doubtful of this to be honest. Unless a city has legal prostitution then generally red light districts will be in bad parts of town. If he was staying in a hotel there is a chance he could take a prostitute back there, but I'd imagine this is only realistic if he rents cars whilst he's away. If he is staying in any other kind of accommodation then he will not be taking a hooker back. He will be faced with a brothel or a place of the prostitute's choice, in a rough part of town, in a foreign country... It's not a situation most traveller's are going to put themselves in. It's an easy way to get mugged. If you're worried about him cheating, it is more likely to come from fellow travellers. But if he is staying at hostels, most of the crowd will be 18-30. You do get older travellers and I've met a lot of cool ones (including one who springs to mind who fits your bf's bill to be honest) but they tend to be more relaxed and not dabble in the social life of the hostel so much. If he is staying in hotels, it will be presumably a case of approaching people in the bar or bars in the city. He could do that at home.

 

If I was in your shoes I'd honestly just talk to him. Get to the bottom of the dating profile. But also do you really know his motivations for travelling so much, what it is he loves about it, have you ever raised it with him that you'd like to be more a part of this? It doesn't sound like you have. Maybe you can find some compromise, a few trips alone every year and a couple with you. I don't see too much here to go jumping to conclusions with, not just yet anyway.

[georgecostanza]

Sorry, I hadn't read all of your posts after the OP. It's up to you whether you trust him with the dating profile answer. I'd definitely ask him to delete his profile though.

 

You mentioned he does cycling tours, some of the trips you refer to as 'adventures'. It definitely sounds to me like bringing a gf and 5 year old kid along would hamper those. Selfish? Sure, but I guess it's kind of the "one life to live" philosophy. Once people get into travelling they get addicted. There's always somewhere else to go and something else to see burning inside of you, you're never done and there isn't enough time to see it all.

 

Compromise. That's what you need here. You need to open communication with him properly about what it is that you both want and need in a relationship.

[carhill]

To be fair, he did not tell me his philosophy from the start. He persued me, and when we first spoke it, he said that the idea of marriage seemed very romantic to him, and that he hadn't found the right person.

 

OP, when a man hears this, regardless of his own style, he hears the words of the smooth talker. In and of itself, that's not 'bad', but if there are no actions to back up the talk, then it's simply carbon dioxide. A barracuda with no teeth. Impotent. This is why actions are so important. What I'm hearing from you is that his actions haven't backed up his words and this is frustrating to you. A smooth talker can certainly back up those words with actions and he would be, or would have been, in the 'amazing husband' category long ago. Makes sense, right?

 

I recall, when dating just prior to becoming divorced legally, a lady asked me how I felt about marriage. My response was: 'I enjoyed being married, even though ours didn't work out, and will enjoy being married again someday'. Not nearly as romantic as the words you heard, and consistent with my decidedly non-smooth-talker style of prosecuting romance, but honest.

 

Up to you. I'd hesitate to label the man as a commitment-phobic person but the signs do indicate leanings in that direction, especially if he has limited relationship history to share. Have you met his family? If so, what are your impressions? Also, since you live in a small community, what's his 'rep' (reputation)? I live near a small community and everyone is up in everyone else's business and there are few social secrets, especially if an eligible bachelor is involved.

 

Lastly, consider more of a LDR net to sample men from a wider area. I had to do this simply because there were no single women locally. My exW lived 60 miles away until we got married, as example. That's how far I had to range out to find some sort of synergy; actually to find a single woman! Good luck!

[ExpatInItaly]

I think the travelling is a symptom of a larger problem - your lifestyles aren't very compatible.

 

He is actively maintaining a more independent lifestyle (independent from a partner, I mean) which isn't necessarily a bad thing but it doesn't exactly lend itself to a connected, long-term relationship. You clearly would like more from this relationship than he's willing to offer. You're not being silly for seeking increased commitment after two years together, especially given that he's on a dating website. Don't buy that he was only there to see what interesting things people are doing. Bullsh*t. There are countless other online communities to do so. He needed to ask a woman to go with him? A single woman? Couldn't have gone with a friend? What a crock.

 

I think you just have a choice to make. Tell him what you're looking for out of a relationship. Ask him if he's able to provide that. If he's not, you have your answer. And no, it's not your fault if the dating pool is small in your area..but it's not as though your current boyfriend is really giving you the commitment and exclusivity you desire anyway.

[Tallbeach]

Hi

 

First and foremost is that you're free to do whatever you want. This doesn't mean hooking up, necessarily, but more that you don't have to agree your sight-seeing schedule, your activities, your itinerary, your meal choices, whether you have a lazy beach day with anybody else. You can do what you want, at your own pace. You're anonymous in a foreign place and it is liberating. I've attempted to travel with people I had previously travelled with, and after travelling alone it's extremely trying to compromise on what you want to cater for somebody else's needs.

Secondly, you form stronger friendships travelling alone. I keep in regular touch with a lot more people that I met alone than I did travelling with friends or former flames. I have had romances this way but it's not at all like it is inevitable. It's just a combination of people finding you more approachable, you being more interested in making conversation because you have nobody with you, and the fact that you're in the same place probably indicating some similar interests. I've made some amazing friends this way.

Thirdly, style of travel. Is travelling with you and your child going to compromise on his preferred style of travel? Do you know if he prefers to stay in hostels, homestays, hotels? I prefer to stay in hostels or couchsurf as much as possible as I know I will meet people and have fun that way. If I stayed in a hotel I'd view it as faceless, I wouldn't meet any locals and the chances of striking up a decent conversation in a hotel bar are a lot slimmer compared to a hostel. The thing is, if I travel with friends or girlfriends, they will invariably want to stay in a hotel. That's already a downer for me. And then, say, I want to beat a track across the country I'm in, stopping in a few cities, enjoying the hustle and bustle of these new places, getting a sense of what life is like here. There's a good chance my partner or friends would not want to do this, but prefer to stay by a hotel pool or beach for the whole trip. Holiday. Ruined.

Fourth is alone time. Some people just need a lot of alone time. I know I do. It's not a negative thing towards partners as far as I'm concerned, I can still be deeply in love with a girl and not want to contact her a few nights a week. The same is true of holidays. They're famous for making or breaking relationships with the constant contact. It can be overbearing, you get into arguments. If you're somebody who, like me, enjoys and needs their own company, you can bypass that quite easily by just going somewhere alone.

 

I think this is the mindset that best describes his love of travel. He is happy to stay at a hostel, pitching a tent, sleeping on a cot, or whatever. Not exactly practical for a mom and 5 year old girl. I wouldn't mind that as part of a vacation, but at some point, I'm going to want a comfy bed and a private washroom.

I do appreciate your well thought out answer. But do you think someone who wants to rent out rooms in their house is fitting for someone who likes privacy? I think the opposite.

Edited March 3, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Fixed quote

[beach]

Do you think if he's going on any of these trips and he was taking another woman along - that he would tell you ahead of time?

 

Or would he just keep it a secret?

[Tallbeach]

OP, when a man hears this, regardless of his own style, he hears the words of the smooth talker. In and of itself, that's not 'bad', but if there are no actions to back up the talk, then it's simply carbon dioxide. A barracuda with no teeth. Impotent. This is why actions are so important. What I'm hearing from you is that his actions haven't backed up his words and this is frustrating to you. A smooth talker can certainly back up those words with actions and he would be, or would have been, in the 'amazing husband' category long ago. Makes sense, right?

 

I recall, when dating just prior to becoming divorced legally, a lady asked me how I felt about marriage. My response was: 'I enjoyed being married, even though ours didn't work out, and will enjoy being married again someday'. Not nearly as romantic as the words you heard, and consistent with my decidedly non-smooth-talker style of prosecuting romance, but honest.

 

Up to you. I'd hesitate to label the man as a commitment-phobic person but the signs do indicate leanings in that direction, especially if he has limited relationship history to share. Have you met his family? If so, what are your impressions? Also, since you live in a small community, what's his 'rep' (reputation)? I live near a small community and everyone is up in everyone else's business and there are few social secrets, especially if an eligible bachelor is involved.

 

Lastly, consider more of a LDR net to sample men from a wider area. I had to do this simply because there were no single women locally. My exW lived 60 miles away until we got married, as example. That's how far I had to range out to find some sort of synergy; actually to find a single woman! Good luck!

I have met his mom, who he absolutely worships. But he feels she has lived her life in a loveless marriage and I think that may contribute to his commitment issues. (She remarried after separating from his father). I know in his past relationships, he has a history of not putting enough effort into them, and then being devastated when they broke down.

He certainly doesn't have the reputation of being a womanizer, but does have that of a "confirmed bachelor".

And as far as the next town goes. I live in rural Northern Canada. You cannot go any farther north without taking a ski plane. THe next town is a 2.5 hr drive with nothing in between but moose and black bears. Maybe it's time for a change of scenery anyways. The climate here SUCKS!!!

[Tallbeach]

Do you think if he's going on any of these trips and he was taking another woman along - that he would tell you ahead of time?

 

Or would he just keep it a secret?

Probably keep it a secret because I would kill him!!

[georgecostanza]

I think this is the mindset that best describes his love of travel. He is happy to stay at a hostel, pitching a tent, sleeping on a cot, or whatever. Not exactly practical for a mom and 5 year old girl. I wouldn't mind that as part of a vacation, but at some point, I'm going to want a comfy bed and a private washroom.

I do appreciate your well thought out answer. But do you think someone who wants to rent out rooms in their house is fitting for someone who likes privacy? I think the opposite.

 

Honestly, kind of. Everybody needs human relationships but living with a significant other is a different experience to living with a housemate. Sometimes it's not about privacy so much as being able to spend time alone or do what you want without having to answer to anyone. With a housemate there's less focus on your relationship, it's a lot less personal, you're not going to sleep in the same bed, they're going to make less demands of you, you can keep your privacy to an extent if you want to. All of the housemates I've had, I've been fortunate enough that they've all been great friends, but I was always able to lock myself in my room and do my own thing for a few hours and not have to explain it, or go out for a few hours without being quizzed on where I was when I get back. That's something you potentially lose if you live with a significant other. It doesn't seem like a big thing but if you're someone that just likes being alone sometimes then moving in with a partner will take a lot of work.

 

Like I said earlier I think you need to discuss all this in depth with your boyfriend. If he can't change, or you can't reach a compromise, then you will need to think about if you're prepared to settle for a relationship like this. If you're not happy then don't stay in a failing relationship that's bringing you down just because there aren't many options around. I think a few others have touched on it, but your lifestyles and relationship needs possibly just aren't compatible.

[FitChick]

You should move.

[writergal]

^^Agree with FitChick OP. Time for you and your child to leave behind rural Northern Canada and move to somewhere more populated like Ontario, Toronto, Winnipeg, Vancover or Calgary. If you can afford it, then you should do it.