Luna33 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Hi everyone, Not sure how to act with big game players, flakers, who knows: dating had been good till he suddenly started to flake and playing games, think it all started because once we both were free and I didn't make plans with him. First, he showed up 20 minutes late one date and cancelled last minute the next; I just kept it cool, he thought I was mad and backed off a little, thought. Last Friday I gave it a last try, just to confirm he was doing all that stuff on purpose, so asked him out and he kept texting me the whole day, like we had never made plans and never cancelled or apologized. At that point, I obviously knew we wouldn't meet, stopped answering and had a backup plan. The next day, I said calmly that I was upset because he was lying and playing games with me, and didn't have to do that; he answered that he had a problem but I didn't bother to reply, also he was sorry and didn't even have time for himself (he works a lot), but never mentioned anything about our plans. I know maybe I acted a bit needy, however, wanted to stand up for myself by saying my thoughts about this and not leaving things unsaid, like happened me before. So, guys do this to test how girls would react or it's just another way to blow someone off? How should I act? Advices and opinions are always welcome.
TaraMaiden Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Dump him. go No Contact. Nothing a Big game player hates more than being played, big time, at his own game. Go distant, ignore any calls, don't jump at his every contact.... You're not worth his effort. make him not worth yours. 3
2sunny Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 He could have just said "I'm busy" but he didn't! He's just not nice - and you deserve better than his games. 1
Versacehottie Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 So, guys do this to test how girls would react or it's just another way to blow someone off? How should I act? Advices and opinions are always welcome. well, they do both. Test you as well do it as a means of blowing you off. One has a potentially positive reason and the other not at all--but they both present the same, ie the breaking of plans and taking you for granted. Here's how you need to view it: use these incidences as a chance to show that you have value. I think a lot of guys behave like children do--testing boundaries. I think what a lot of women don't realize is that it doesn't mean all hope is lost at this point. Basically they haven't considered you gf material YET and are not thinking long-term when they do these stunts and are asserting their independence. These tests and how you respond are opportunities to show him you are gf material. How you handle it can make all the difference but it's a fine line. Major tightrope. The window of dealing with is SMALL. One tactic is flipping the script. I will take a look at your scenario later today to see if i have any ideas but it's not easy. Trust. I don't always agree with getting rid of because I think the majority of guys do this at one point or another. In their nature. And if he is just a jerk or blowing you off, asserting your value, just helps you build self-confidence, get dignity back and will expose that anyway. Good luck. 1
Gaeta Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Not sure how to act with big game players, flakers, who knows: dating had been good till he suddenly started to flake and playing games, think it all started because once we both were free and I didn't make plans with him. First, he showed up 20 minutes late one date and cancelled last minute the next; I just kept it cool, he thought I was mad and backed off a little, thought Last Friday I gave it a last try, just to confirm he was doing all that stuff on purpose, so asked him out and he kept texting me the whole day, like we had never made plans and never cancelled or apologized. At that point, I obviously knew we wouldn't meet, stopped answering and had a backup plan. The next day, I said calmly that I was upset because he was lying and playing games with me, and didn't have to do that; he answered that he had a problem but I didn't bother to reply, also he was sorry and didn't even have time for himself (he works a lot), but never mentioned anything about our plans. I know maybe I acted a bit needy, however, wanted to stand up for myself by saying my thoughts about this and not leaving things unsaid, like happened me before. So, guys do this to test how girls would react or it's just another way to blow someone off? How should I act? Advices and opinions are always welcome. The way I see it you are the player here. He did a couple of things you didn't like such as arriving late and cancelling last minute. Instead of nipping it right away in the butt you kept silent and played cool. By doing that you sent a message you were ok with that kind of behavior. Remember, if you don't disapprove a behavior you approve it. So your mistake here was not communicating you were not pleased and pretending something false. Then, because he's the game player and apparently you're not, then you set a trap for him on a Friday. Just to observe how he'll handle things. He text you the whole day as if things were normal, OF COURSE things were normal!! you never spoke up about your frustration and the guy is not a mind reader. Then you pore some oil on the fire by just stopping your text in the middle of a conversation. You left him hanging, but you're not a player. No no no, he is? You created this whole drama on your own. If you had been upfront and spoke up about how cancelling last minute made you feel nothing of that would have happened. People do get late at dates, people do have to cancel last minute. How about you try to handle it like an adult? Speak up when something bothers you, don't leave people hanging in the middle of conversation because of your frustration. Talk the talk and walk the walk.
JourneyLady Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 The way I see it you are the player here. He did a couple of things you didn't like such as arriving late and cancelling last minute. Instead of nipping it right away in the butt you kept silent and played cool. By doing that you sent a message you were ok with that kind of behavior. Remember, if you don't disapprove a behavior you approve it. So your mistake here was not communicating you were not pleased and pretending something false. Then, because he's the game player and apparently you're not, then you set a trap for him on a Friday. Just to observe how he'll handle things. He text you the whole day as if things were normal, OF COURSE things were normal!! you never spoke up about your frustration and the guy is not a mind reader. Then you pore some oil on the fire by just stopping your text in the middle of a conversation. You left him hanging, but you're not a player. No no no, he is? You created this whole drama on your own. If you had been upfront and spoke up about how cancelling last minute made you feel nothing of that would have happened. People do get late at dates, people do have to cancel last minute. How about you try to handle it like an adult? Speak up when something bothers you, don't leave people hanging in the middle of conversation because of your frustration. Talk the talk and walk the walk. If she preplanned all that, I could see maybe she was playing games, but in describing it afterwards doesn't mean she planned it that way. One of two other scenarios... she was trying to be patient and see if it was temporary glitches. And then/or she reached the boiling point of no return. Sure, it's true maybe something could be said the FIRST time they don't do the right thing. However, I have been in that situation where I do that and the guy accuses me of being impatient etc. Sometimes it pays to wait to assert one's boundaries. Case in point... the guy I dumped was not texting me back much for an entire week after we chatted online. And not acknowledging my emails or texts - basically ignoring me. I realized that I could maybe be patient, but if I was, it was going to take an entire year to get to know him... Meanwhile he's treating me badly by not even saying hi. (I wouldn't let a friend treat me like that!) So even though I'd been patient up to that point, it finally got to where the frustration outweighed the possible relationship. And so it goes... His loss. 1
thegreatesthumphrey Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Yes there is a way to stand up for yourself. Turn your ass around, and never look back! You are doing it for "yourself" <-- keyword! Not to prove something to him. 2
soccerrprp Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Luna33, You were not standing up for yourself. You were being weak and sounded needy. If you were standing up for yourself, you would have simply said GOODBYE. 2
Chico333 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Hi everyone, Last Friday I gave it a last try, just to confirm he was doing all that stuff on purpose, so asked him out and he kept texting me the whole day, like we had never made plans and never cancelled or apologized. At that point, I obviously knew we wouldn't meet, stopped answering and had a backup plan. The next day, I said calmly that I was upset because he was lying and playing games with me, and didn't have to do that To confirm he was doing it all on purpose, you did what? Did you talked to him about it? No. Did you ask him why he canceled or didn't bring it up? No. Did you communicate any of it at all to him before you accused him of "lying" ? No. You tried to stick up for youself by telling him you were pissed off that he was playing games with you and lying, yet you never even took a second to ask him straight up what was going on before doing this. I have no idea what is going on with him and he may well be a game player/jerk, but the point is that you did not do a good job at communicating your feelings to him. What you should have done was stop all contact with him as soon as you you were not comfortable with the way he was treating the situation. At that point, if he really cared he would have contacted you and put forth the effort to fix things himself and if not then his loss.
Author Luna33 Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 The way I see it you are the player here. He did a couple of things you didn't like such as arriving late and cancelling last minute. Instead of nipping it right away in the butt you kept silent and played cool. By doing that you sent a message you were ok with that kind of behavior. Remember, if you don't disapprove a behavior you approve it. So your mistake here was not communicating you were not pleased and pretending something false. Then, because he's the game player and apparently you're not, then you set a trap for him on a Friday. Just to observe how he'll handle things. He text you the whole day as if things were normal, OF COURSE things were normal!! you never spoke up about your frustration and the guy is not a mind reader. Then you pore some oil on the fire by just stopping your text in the middle of a conversation. You left him hanging, but you're not a player. No no no, he is? You created this whole drama on your own. If you had been upfront and spoke up about how cancelling last minute made you feel nothing of that would have happened. People do get late at dates, people do have to cancel last minute. How about you try to handle it like an adult? Speak up when something bothers you, don't leave people hanging in the middle of conversation because of your frustration. Talk the talk and walk the walk. For those who said that I was playing games, I was keeping an eye on his actions but never playing games. He had asked me out several times and set plans on time, never at last minute, also he cancelled once correctly (calling a night before), and I was ok with that, no problems. I understand people can show up late or cancel last minute for some reason, but thing here is: 1- He said yes when I asked him out a night before. 2- We were texting the whole day when we were supposed to meet and he never mentioned our plans (people don't forget things overnight), I asked if he was sure to meet me after work, though, he just said at what time and changed the subject. 3- At least, he could have said "Sorry, can't see you that time". Not an apologize, not a thing. Blowing off is a form of lying, pretending to forget plans is playing games. If he knew he was working late, why the heck did he say yes to our plans? Why not just cancel? I wouldn't have been mad, just let it go. But all this confirmed that canceling last minute and showing up late was on purpose, he gave me a bad excuse both times. I ain't dumb, he didn't want to see me for whatever reason.
pickflicker Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Flake? Walk away. Incidentally, a Flake is a chocolate bar here in Australia. I would recommend not walking away from one of those.
Author Luna33 Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 Luna33, You were not standing up for yourself. You were being weak and sounded needy. If you were standing up for yourself, you would have simply said GOODBYE. When I contacted him to say he was playing games, I knew I was going to look a bit needy, but just refused to leave without a word. I've done that in past, and doesn't feel great to deal with unsaid things. Now he knows he can't throw some bull**** on me, without me realizing what he's trying to do. However, I explained my thoughts calmly, didn't argue or anything.
Author Luna33 Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 Thank you very much for all your replies! They were really helpful to make up my mind. He said he wanted to offer more to me, but didn't have time even for himself, and I want someone who has time for me and doesn't treat me disrespectfully. He hasn't contacted me till then, maybe he's feeling guilty or who knows. So I did say goodbye, there's nothing smarter to do than moving on. His loss!
Author Luna33 Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 Flake? Walk away. Incidentally, a Flake is a chocolate bar here in Australia. I would recommend not walking away from one of those. Hahahahaha, this just made my night!
Author Luna33 Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 To confirm he was doing it all on purpose, you did what? Did you talked to him about it? No. Did you ask him why he canceled or didn't bring it up? No. Did you communicate any of it at all to him before you accused him of "lying" ? No. You tried to stick up for youself by telling him you were pissed off that he was playing games with you and lying, yet you never even took a second to ask him straight up what was going on before doing this. I have no idea what is going on with him and he may well be a game player/jerk, but the point is that you did not do a good job at communicating your feelings to him. What you should have done was stop all contact with him as soon as you you were not comfortable with the way he was treating the situation. At that point, if he really cared he would have contacted you and put forth the effort to fix things himself and if not then his loss. I know that was my mistake: not saying things and feelings as soon as possible. I got a new experience in this... And I'm not sure he's coming back, but if he really cares about me, he'll have to put more effort and get all his stuff together to be my man. And me, I'll definitely have to be more assertive with him or anyone next time.
JourneyLady Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 I know that was my mistake: not saying things and feelings as soon as possible. I got a new experience in this... And I'm not sure he's coming back, but if he really cares about me, he'll have to put more effort and get all his stuff together to be my man. And me, I'll definitely have to be more assertive with him or anyone next time. If I didn't know better, I'd think we were dealing with the same guy... Maybe the same type, I'd guess... In my case, I would have told him right away if I'd seen him again, but he kept avoiding going on a date or any conversation long enough to tell him I noticed communication had dropped off! It wasn't something I *wanted* to bring up at a distance, but he wasn't leaving me much choice. So I sent an email, because it sure didn't seem like I was going to see him in person anytime within the next month. He got kinda snarky back and was sarcastic about having a life (implying that I don't even though I texted him inbetween airport flights...) I don't want to be the one making all the effort. I've made that mistake before.
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