photonxyz Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 The Background: Almost three years ago I met a girl while doing some work at her residence. Importantly, at this time, I was separated from my wife and had been pushing forward with getting divorced. The girl, whom I met, had been divorced for about 3 years at this time. After a few visits to her home to work on various things, she opened up to me. She was a bit overwhelmed with her life, her love life, the choices she made, etc. She had been seeing multiple men, at the same time, several of which had been married. She told me how she had been seeing a therapist to work through her issues. I genuinely felt tremendous sympathy for her. I also opened up to her about my life, failed marriage, and more. We became good friends at first, over a period of a few months. She had stopped her bad behavior, dating married men, and raised herself from the ashes. We began dating one another, and shared our lives, dreams, and passions. Our relationship faltered at times, due to the struggles of my ongoing divorce and the physical distance between one another- we live about two hours apart. However, we had a strong bond/ understood each other well, complimented each other and rarely quarreled. Breaking Point: The relationship reached a breaking point in early January of this year due to issues in my life and my inability to make her the most important person in my life. I was struggling personally, and we ended our relationship. Over the past two months, we chatted via text message every few days but remained distant. I began to heal from the breakup, sorted through some issues in my own life, and I started seeing a therapist to talk through my divorce/relationship issues, etc. Down the Rabbit Hole: A few days ago, we started texting one another and our feelings came out. I drove to her that evening; we spoke for a long while, embraced and made love. I left the next morning and visited her again this past weekend. We spent most of the time talking, listening and opening up to one another. I felt the break was good for us, I learned about myself, healed some, and sorted some important things out- I progressed in my life. However, she had regressed back to her old ways… Once we had broken up, she had contacted a married contractor, an old fling, an electrician, to do some work at her residence. She told me nothing happened between them. I found it disturbing and destructive for her personal life- dangerous- she was putting herself in bad position I felt. I DID grill her a bit on the topic, some jealousy and some serious concern for her. However, she insisted nothing happened between them. She also told me she was going to have him continue doing some work at her place. She Lied: I discovered that she had lied to me- to what degree I’m uncertain, but she definitely did have physical contact with him. She rambled on that she would show me the emails between them, I accepted her offer, and she immediately retracted the offer declaring she deleted them. At one point she left and I went onto her computer and found a message where the married electrician and she had set a time and date for a “rendezvous”- where he was coming to “sex her up”. I have not told her I saw the message, it’s really irrelevant. She does now admit to kissing, maybe fondling, maybe more- she’s evasive. Moving Forward: I really am concerned moving forward. She could have done anything she wanted during our breakup and it’s not really my business. However, I do have extreme reservations about a relationship with her because she started seeing a married man again. When we first met, I understood her indiscretions, I listened to her heart and she knew her actions were deplorable. However, during our breakup she reverted quickly to her former self- destructive. More so, she still insists on letting this electrician perform work at her residence. I am honestly shocked she does not clearly see how poor of choice this is. I could forgive her before for her past, but this is the present. We all have our failings in life, and I am not one to cast stones. She wants to work on our relationship and I would love to also- maybe. She said she will not sleep with him… I’m not so certain. I guess, it just makes me tremendously sad inside…………………. I will just continue to work on myself. I’m just unsure what will happen to our relationship.
TaraMaiden Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 There IS no relationship; it's just a FWB, with some added emotional issues. if you can't handle the type of woman she is - someone who enjoys sex, albeit in what most would consider a dysfunctional way - then sever ties. Simple.
2sunny Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 What was down that rabbit hole? What have you found out about YOURSELF in counseling? This really isn't about her - it about you - and why you would consider going back to any woman that lies to you - or even makes you chase her truth.
Author photonxyz Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 “Down the Rabbit Hole” is simply entering a period of chaos and confusion with my thoughts and emotions. I also agree, that we have entered a period of FWB… I will ultimately choose what’s best for me. I am not at all comfortable with her having a relationship with a “happily” married man. My own father cheated on my mother when I was young. My rather would go to restaurants with my mother while his girlfriend would be seated across the room with her husband- how terrible. They would plan these deceptions in advance. Therapy is good for me. I am working on issues of codependency and some depression. What have I found out about myself? I need to love myself first. I’ve spent too much time on my life helping others, I need to do what is best for me. I fully expect therapy to help me become stronger and more self aware.
2sunny Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 That is very good! So when faced with chaos and emotional turmoil - it may be useful to eliminate the "cause" of the turmoil. Distance (emotionally) should help you gain clarity. Have you taken steps to get your divorce finalized? Are you looking forward to dating an emotionally available woman in your future? A woman that has a healthy boundary and a strong sense of morals might be better suited for you. With their actions - others show us who they are and what their moral compass consists of - your gal has shown you she's willing to mess around with a married man just so she gets attention and then she lies to you about it. That, for me, wouldn't work. I need an honorable person by my side.
Author photonxyz Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 My divorce is nearly complete- finalized within the next 30 days. Divorcing has been an arduous journey, quite sad really. But that chapter is nearly closed and another begins. Am I looking forward to dating an emotionally available woman in the future? Yes, I am definitely looking forward to finding someone to share my life with. However, at this time, I’m just going to work on myself and see where life takes me.
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