spfr4e Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 My girlfriend is my best friend, literally, we never considered being with a woman before but somehow we feel in love. She's the love of my life and I know she feels the same way. We have plans to get married when I finsih college. She was with her ex bc shedesperate and he got her horny, they did sexual stuff but they didnt go all the way (we lost our virginity together). He hurt her when he broke up with her because he went to college and wanted to have sex with other girls. The problem is that the idiot dropped off school, came back and started texting her. She says she doesn't like him and that she only wants me, I believe her because i trust her and know everything about her. But I can't help being VERY jealous sometimes!! We are in a long distance relationship and sometimes it kills me. Sometimes he's over me in snapchat and that bothers me because we snapchat a lot. Last week he texted her saying he realized he loves her -.- She thinks it's cute that I act jealous, normally I don't show that it upsets me but I say it half joke/half true. I know she would understand if I tell her but it's hard for me to actually tell her this, I don't want her to feel bad for making me feel that way and i dont want to control her life. There's something that really hurt me tho, I did tell her it bother me (but not HOW much) and she cried because she didnt want to hurt me. When she was telling her ex they can't get back together, she said this: (first let me say, nobody knows about our lesbain relationship yet) "I love you, you're a great guy and an amazing person (bull****!). (...) I'm glad I had the time I spend with you previously (...) Right now it's not the best time to get back (not the best time? Wtf?)... I'm actually talking with someone else right now... Nothing official... But idk... I really like him too" That really made me upset, (she was the one that showed me the texts they sent to each other. Then he kept insisting and she went on to say "I think I'm in love with this person (you think????). It's not easy to go back together... Let's be friends for now and see what happens." Friends for now? See what happens????? It hurts me that ahe just can't say no, why dpes she say that stuff? Doesn't she see it hurts me? He wants to hang out with her "as friends" but i don't feel comfortable with the idea of those 2 going out... ALONE. I know if all that was me, she was be upset and sad, why doesnt she realize this? It's not "cute" go be jealous. She says she wouldnt do anything with him but if he approaches her sexually, I honestly don't know if she's gonna stop. I feel like i shouldn't be jealous because I know she loves me the same way i love her... But I can't help to be really jealous when I see stuff like he's over me in snapchat. When stuff like that happens it kills me that I'm not there with her. Thanks for reading
ExpatInItaly Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Two things come to mind: 1) She certainly isn't as sure about a future with you as you are with her. This ex-boyfriend is being kept on the backburner. She likes the attention she gets form him and knows he's available to her if she wants. If things don't work out between you and her, I imagine she'll very likely go back to him. It appears to me that she's keeping her options open and choosing her words with him very carefully, so that he maintains an interest. 2) She isn't ready to recognize your relationship or her sexuality. It's a very difficult situation to be in, because you're both actively hiding your relationship and (I assume) trying to avoid being stigmatized for being with a same-sex partner. She seems to have interests in men and women and isn't totally ready to commit to one or the other. If I may ask, why haven't you told anyone about your relationship? How long have you been together, and how old are you? The problem can't be entirely blamed on him. She is not prioritizing you or your feelings; she can't even admit to the ex-boyfriend that she's in a committed relationship, regardless of whom it's with. She says it's nothing official? That is very big red flag, OP. It's time to talk to her and see where you both stand. It isn't fair to you to give your heart completely to someone who isn't able/willing to do the same.
Author spfr4e Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 (edited) Thank you for answering. She keeps on saying how I'm the only one she sees in her future and that she wants to have a family with me but then there's that situation. Their relationship was just like 1 month long and she says she wouldn't make that mistake twice, now he dropped off school and do drugs and she says she doesn't want that kind of person in her life. She keeps saying to not worry, that I am the only person she wants. Don't get me wrong, I trust her because first of all she was my best friend and I know her but I can't help feeling insecure. I did tell her I didn't like it when she said "nothing official", then in another message she told him she wants a future with this person but it bothers me that it wasn't the first thing she told him. I'm 20 and she's 23. I told 2 of my closest friends about our relationship, she hasn't told anyone because the only friend she trusts is, well, me. We haven't told everyone else because we are in a long distance relationship and we are gonna be for another 3 years, she lives in US and I study in a university in another country, it would just make things harder now because our parents wouldn't understand (We both still live with them) and her mom is really psycho about it, so we agreed to not let them know until later. We have known each other for some years and we became really close to each other. it's been about a year since we started to go farther than just a friendship. It's the longest relationship both of us have had. Now, my question is, how do I ask her to stop talking to him? I don't know how to approach this. Edited March 2, 2014 by spfr4e
nomadic_butterfly Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Thank you for answering. She keeps on saying how I'm the only one she sees in her future and that she wants to have a family with me but then there's that situation. Their relationship was just like 1 month long and she says she wouldn't make that mistake twice, now he dropped off school and do drugs and she says she doesn't want that kind of person in her life. She keeps saying to not worry, that I am the only person she wants. Don't get me wrong, I trust her because first of all she was my best friend and I know her but I can't help feeling insecure. I did tell her I didn't like it when she said "nothing official", then in another message she told him she wants a future with this person but it bothers me that it wasn't the first thing she told him. I'm 20 and she's 23. I told 2 of my closest friends about our relationship, she hasn't told anyone because the only friend she trusts is, well, me. We haven't told everyone else because we are in a long distance relationship and we are gonna be for another 3 years, she lives in US and I study in a university in another country, it would just make things harder now because our parents wouldn't understand (We both still live with them) and her mom is really psycho about it, so we agreed to not let them know until later. We have known each other for some years and we became really close to each other. it's been about a year since we started to go farther than just a friendship. It's the longest relationship both of us have had. Now, my question is, how do I ask her to stop talking to him? I don't know how to approach this. Not to demean your relationship, but given your ages and the fact that this is the first lesbian relationship for both of you, for her it could be just a phase. In a world where people can hurt you so bad, one can fall for the person that is always there to pick them out, go out with, be emotionally intimate with. It sounds like she might be struggling a bit with identity. The two of you need to be sure this isn't something out of mere retaliation for what men have done to you in the past. It sounds like generally speaking, it wasn't a natural attraction to women for her; more so she was connected with you and you happened to be a woman. You can't make anyone do anything. You can express your sentiments, and she can choose to respect them or not. One thing life has taught me though, people have to desire something themselves and have self realization that something is wrong or unbecoming for it to be a permanent change. If she thinks talking to the ex is no biggie, she might stop talking for a short time but go back to it eventually if in her heart of hearts she sees nothing wrong with it. She might also get tired of having to live her life in "secret" because of who she is with. That can get emotionally taxing. Granted some people are bisexual but you two need to be sure of your identity and the true premise of your relationship before proceeding. Have a heart to heart talk with her.
Author spfr4e Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 To make things a little clearer, *I* was the one that wasn't naturally attracted to women, she was attracted to other women in the past but never thought about doing more than just kissing. She also told me she liked me months before we started going out. Now she says she's bisexual and was denying herself. Thank you for all your advices, I will try to talk to her about how I feel and I'll think about what you said.
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