NopeNah Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 In ALL of my failed relationships, looking back, the writing was on the wall. All the signs of "distancing, cold responses, lack of reciprocal agreement,ect.." I honestly think its a sixth sense engraved in us.... I know we all are taken by surprise, kinda. The whole,blinders on type thing. Then...when you get that "feeling" you go into damage control, pushing them further away or towards another.. 1
Musing Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Yup. Actually, I knew it was going to happen almost as soon as we started dating. With little gems like "I don't know if I want a relationship right now" (He pursued me btw), "We can be exclusive without the title" (We got the title a few months later) "I've never had a long term girlfriend", "There are so many people out there, how do I know who I am with is really 'the one'?", And when we took our "break" ,the biggest sign, "I feel confused, I don't feel like I did when we first started talking" (it was 6 months later, I think we can assume what happened) "If it wasn't for this feeling I could spend the rest of my life with you" and then saying the grandaddy of all signs, the one that came up 5 months later when we broke up: "I can't marry my first girlfriend" This one, struck me most, and was one he had most emotion saying. The fault of being the first, the struggle. Womp. Hook, line, sinker. When the real "I have feels now" talk came I think he shat himself. The breakup thoughts started when I told him how all of my friends are off getting married. Then that talk was the icing on the cake. Apparently, he does not like that flavor of cake so...there ya go. Haven't heard from him since BU. I thought maybe he just needed a slow-paced relationship. Most guys his age have a bit more experience so I thought it'd go somewhere. It's actually kind of hilarious for me writing this because I see just how obviously not ready he was and how I just kind of gave it the ol "college try"
keepontruckin Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I never did see it coming. We were married, and best of friends up until one week before she left. She initiated a fight (the first fight in our five year relationship)... This led me to screaming at her to get out if things are so bad. And she left that minute. It's been 10 months since she left, and I am caring less and less. Protip for the Novices: Don't get married. That's when everything goes downhill. Remember... A woman expects a man to change. A man expects a woman to stay the same. Neither happens, and as such you see the outcome. 2
Jord11 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I didn't see it coming till she told me that we spent too much time together, I want to spend more time with my friends, she got really distant then a couple days later she ended it on her iPad that I had just bought her for christmas which I'm still pissed about, she told me it wasn't another guy which was a lie because she is now dating a friend of her's they would always talk when we we're together, sucks but that's the way it is, I haven't spoken to this girl in over a year! not one single word.
Lifegoezon Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Nope. Only sign with hindsight was his lower interest in sex. That's when he started online dating. There were no signs at all. I found out and kicked his a** to the curb. He didn't seem to have a plan for leaving me before finding someone new. Strange thing is that early on in our relationship it was always obvious when something was bothering him about us even though he would avoid confronting it.
d0nnivain Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 The one that hurt the most I didn't see coming. I honestly thought he was coming over to propose. Boy was I wrong.
iDrumKing Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 She came over for dinner one night, and while she was leaving we said our normal goodbyes. Something didn't feel right with me. She FELT very distant. Later that night she broke it off with me over the phone.
lvroflife Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Text our normal good mornings (as she just moved to a new state, not to too far). Text when she got out of work "I love you and miss you baby, can't wait to see you" Called after she went out (as normal) "i LOVE YOU i MISS YOU, Let's be sponatneous and you come see me now" Me: "ok on my way", (she lives 500 miles away) 10 minutes later same converstion "I can't do this, You lied to me, and I can't forgive you"... Now I have never lied to her, her so called lie I said was because I told her I wasn't sure I want to ever get married or have kids (she feels the same as she is career focused right now)...Then when we were together New Years 2014 I told her that being with her I could see myself marrying her and that I wouldn't mind it, should we decide to ever do it...But I NEVER SAID let's do it, just made mention!
LadyM Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 There were a multitude of signs. For a long time. But it was still a devastating blow, and continues to be.
blacknoir Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I've been on both sides of this, so maybe I can offer a (somewhat) unique perspective. Over a year ago, I sat my W down and had "the talk". I told her that I was unhappy with the current state. I was unhappy about our communication, our lack of intimacy...that I felt like a roommate. It was my final attempt at a "repair strategy", so give it one last chance. When I finally left the M, I started by recounting that conversation and how it hadn't changed, and that I was leaving - she was caught completely by surprise, which completely shocks me. On the other side - if you've read any of my other gory comments about my recent BU, I was the one caught completely off guard. Friday - perfect. Saturday - dumped in the pizza place. My only "sixth sense" moment (which I should have paid attention to) was when she texted me about an hour before I was supposed to pick her up on Saturday. She said that she had to drop something off to her daughter, over at the other parents house, and that she'd meet me at the pizza place. The alarm bells went off because her place and the other parents place were only 5 minutes apart - there should have been no reason for me not to pick her up. Truthfully, my alarms were going off so loudly that I almost went to her house anyway, just to see if she had left early. I probably should have paid more attention to them.
LostConfused123 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I had absolutely no idea. Totally blind sided. The first time I had ever become physically sick during a break up. Maybe that's why this one is so hard to get over. I explain it to people like this: One minute I was flying in the clouds, my heart bursting with happiness. All sunshine and rainbows. Literally the next minute, my heart was shattered, couldn't breathe, dry heaving in the pits of HELL yet freezing to death with no end in sight. Sounds dramatic but that's really how it felt. The first and hopefully last time I ever get blind sided like that again. So glad that initial excruciating pain is behind me. Still hurts but at least I can function and see the light at the end of the tunnel, even though it seems far off. Best of luck everyone!! ((hugs!!))
JourneyLady Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 (edited) It was a good date, then we chatted and supposedly wanted to see each other again. Kept hinting at another date which never materialized. He wasn't reading my texts very carefully... It was then I was noticing that the only time I got a response is when it would obviously be impolite not to (ie. condolences). When more than three days went by without a response to two different texts (that's 72 hours sitting on his blackberry) I knew it was pretty much over. Funny thing. When I sent the goodbye by email, he responded within an hour or two, being pissed off. So... being pissed off is important enough to respond, but saying welcome back to the woman you supposedly want to see, isn't... I see. Yup - it was definitely going downhill. Besides, if a friend texts you and you don't answer very often, how long are you going to be close friends if you often ignore them? He wasn't even treating me as a friend, let alone someone he wanted to be close to. Edited March 2, 2014 by JourneyLady accuracy!
Never Again Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I had a "feeling" 2 months before I was dumped. I was having an emotional crisis and completely shut down. I was a complete downer on what should've been a great date. From that day forward, I felt like my relationship was ending. I distanced myself. Stopped texting as often or being as affectionate. But I didn't WANT it to end, so I'd act sweet and caring. I stopped acting like the happy, funny, confident guy she fell for because I thought we were going to split, and my anxiety over it is what actually caused it to happen. Womp womp.
4everalones Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Honestly, I saw all the signs, but I never thought it was about me. My ex was facing so many problems in his job, and couldn't find a new one. He was becoming cold, distant, angry, and he needed more and more space and time alone. I asked him so many times what was wrong, and he always said it's because of his job problems, and I believed him. So when he told me it was over, I was completely shocked. The sad thing is that he also used his career problems as an excuse to breakup: "You are great, but I need to be alone to work on myself and career". Again, I believed him like a fool. It was until I started reading forums and observing his post-breakup behavior that I was able to see the big picture. The breakup itself was a complete surprise. My entire world was destroyed and was left feeling betrayed, rejected, and alone! Breakups suck!! The good news is: if this ever happens to me again, I would know exactly how to handle it. None of that "remaining friends" crap works. Go straight to no contact, and save your dignity and self-respect.
jennifermariecole Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Yup. Actually, I knew it was going to happen almost as soon as we started dating. With little gems like "I don't know if I want a relationship right now" (He pursued me btw), "We can be exclusive without the title" (We got the title a few months later) "I've never had a long term girlfriend", "There are so many people out there, how do I know who I am with is really 'the one'?", And when we took our "break" ,the biggest sign, "I feel confused, I don't feel like I did when we first started talking" (it was 6 months later, I think we can assume what happened) "If it wasn't for this feeling I could spend the rest of my life with you" and then saying the grandaddy of all signs, the one that came up 5 months later when we broke up: "I can't marry my first girlfriend" This one, struck me most, and was one he had most emotion saying. The fault of being the first, the struggle. Womp. Hook, line, sinker. When the real "I have feels now" talk came I think he shat himself. The breakup thoughts started when I told him how all of my friends are off getting married. Then that talk was the icing on the cake. Apparently, he does not like that flavor of cake so...there ya go. Haven't heard from him since BU. I thought maybe he just needed a slow-paced relationship. Most guys his age have a bit more experience so I thought it'd go somewhere. It's actually kind of hilarious for me writing this because I see just how obviously not ready he was and how I just kind of gave it the ol "college try" Lol! Gotta love your sense of humour about the whole thing. If you think yours was obvious that he wasn't ready, mine was way worse! The writing was on the wall from like the first 3 days of talking but I dated him anyway. He told me that 'getting him to commit was like trying to get a fish to ride a bicycle' and I thought we were going to settle down together Oh, I miss old naive me
Weallwalkthelongroad Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Nope. I got blindsided, verbally beat up, and then got held on a string for a month. Continued to get beat up verbally everytime I tried to reach out and get together. I finally got tired of it and asked that we go our separate ways. Hopefully I never hear from her again. Looking back I was so stupid for sticking around for as long as i did.
LostConfused123 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Nope. I got blindsided, verbally beat up, and then got held on a string for a month. Continued to get beat up verbally everytime I tried to reach out and get together. I finally got tired of it and asked that we go our separate ways. Hopefully I never hear from her again. Looking back I was so stupid for sticking around for as long as i did. No you weren't stupid!!! And nobody else here is either. Is it really so terrible that we as humans take a sliver of light that makes us feel so good and run with it? I mean, yeah, many of us get our hearts crushed by thinking we are "special" or "different" but we all are in our own way. I don't know, I'll probably get some grief for saying this but I just don't think anyone that loved with all their hearts and gave a hundred percent could ever be called stupid. Maybe naively hopeful but following our human instincts just the same. It's human nature to want to love and be loved. It's not a character flaw for acting on that. Even though it hurts like a BIOTCH!!!! Love you guys! 3
theonlyjuan Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I knew it wasn't for the long term, could tell by the way she talked and I knew deep down she wasn't right for me
Never Again Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Honestly, I saw all the signs, but I never thought it was about me. My ex was facing so many problems in his job, and couldn't find a new one. He was becoming cold, distant, angry, and he needed more and more space and time alone. I asked him so many times what was wrong, and he always said it's because of his job problems, and I believed him. So when he told me it was over, I was completely shocked. The sad thing is that he also used his career problems as an excuse to breakup: "You are great, but I need to be alone to work on myself and career". Again, I believed him like a fool. It was until I started reading forums and observing his post-breakup behavior that I was able to see the big picture. The breakup itself was a complete surprise. My entire world was destroyed and was left feeling betrayed, rejected, and alone! Breakups suck!! The good news is: if this ever happens to me again, I would know exactly how to handle it. None of that "remaining friends" crap works. Go straight to no contact, and save your dignity and self-respect. I was basically your ex, except it WAS my job that was tormenting me (amongst other things). I was upset, distant and lost my wit and sense of humor. I wasn't cold, but I was upset a lot and wasn't any fun to be around. I was weak and wussy for 6ish weeks because I was depressed, and while I wanted space...I tried to make it out to be in her benefit because I didn't want to lose her. I tried to "make up for it" by getting her a gift and being super nice, and she's the one that lost interest in me. I got the "you are amazing, but I don't know where my life's going...this relationship should've been perfect, but I don't feel it in my heart." Like you, I learned how to handle it this time around. I never should've allowed the limited contact I had for 4 months.
4everalones Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 (edited) I tried to "make up for it" by getting her a gift and being super nice, and she's the one that lost interest in me. I got the "you are amazing, but I don't know where my life's going...this relationship should've been perfect, but I don't feel it in my heart." Like you, I learned how to handle it this time around. I never should've allowed the limited contact I had for 4 months. If someone really love you, they will stick around for better or worse. They will help you get back on your feet and be a happy person again. You should be glad your ex showed her true colors before it's too late. I was there for my ex when he was grumpy, angry, and showed so much attitude. I tried to help him and support the new not-so-fun version of him. But when I was facing problems and it was time for him to be there for me, he just left and told me he has his own problems to focus on. How Ironic! There are many people out there who think relationships should be happy and problem free all the time. There are people who turn into cowards and run away when they're faced with problems. They are who they are, and I don't think they will change. If my ex ever comes back (which I highly doubt), I will never be able to take him back. I still love him, but I have lost all respect for him!! Edited March 2, 2014 by 4everalones 1
Never Again Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 If someone really love you, they will stick around for better or worse. They will help you get back on your feet and be a happy person again. I'd like to believe that, but everything I've seen on these boards speaks to the contrary. There are so many stories of dumpees who were left because their life took a turn for the worse, they acted differently. The dumper wasn't attracted to this "new" version, "fell out of love", and decided to move along. From what I've learned this past year, romantic love and relationships are incredibly conditional. 1
4everalones Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I'd like to believe that, but everything I've seen on these boards speaks to the contrary. There are so many stories of dumpees who were left because their life took a turn for the worse, they acted differently. The dumper wasn't attracted to this "new" version, "fell out of love", and decided to move along. From what I've learned this past year, romantic love and relationships are incredibly conditional. Still, many marriages last for long years, many people here were willing to do anything for the ex. Yes, people fall out of love, people change, life throws hurdles in our paths, but that doesn't justify why some people handle relationships and breakups poorly. We are all here because we were hurt deeply by someone we cared about. If true love and building relationships were easy, we'd all be happy, and no one would be alone and miserable. So yes, if someone loved you truly, they'll stick around (I know I did even though my partner wasn't on his best behavior at the end). But, it takes time and a few failures/heartbreaks to find that person and learn what true love and healthy relationships are about.
Weallwalkthelongroad Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 No you weren't stupid!!! And nobody else here is either. Is it really so terrible that we as humans take a sliver of light that makes us feel so good and run with it? I mean, yeah, many of us get our hearts crushed by thinking we are "special" or "different" but we all are in our own way. I don't know, I'll probably get some grief for saying this but I just don't think anyone that loved with all their hearts and gave a hundred percent could ever be called stupid. Maybe naively hopeful but following our human instincts just the same. It's human nature to want to love and be loved. It's not a character flaw for acting on that. Even though it hurts like a BIOTCH!!!! Love you guys! You're right. Maybe stupid was a poor way of describing it. Naive is more accurate. I knew the whole time I was holding out hope in a hopeless situation.
Musing Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Lol! Gotta love your sense of humour about the whole thing. If you think yours was obvious that he wasn't ready, mine was way worse! The writing was on the wall from like the first 3 days of talking but I dated him anyway. He told me that 'getting him to commit was like trying to get a fish to ride a bicycle' and I thought we were going to settle down together Oh, I miss old naive me Ah I tried. I thought maybe some miracle would happen and it'd work. But he was 2 years shy of being illegal when it all started but was pretty into me. I'm sure he thought it was going to be a cute extended game of "show me your and I'll show you mine" which it pretty much was, I laugh whenever I think of that talk I had with him because (looking it at from this perspective) I broke his universe that night and oh God, the thought of how freaked out he got...it just gets me every time. I was like Elmyra from Tiny Toons and he was my Kitty.
Raena Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Yes, I saw it coming. I almost knew it the very first time we met. I knew then that he was going to break my heart. I remember telling him that too. I couldn't help myself though. I was drawn to him in a way I've never been drawn to anyone else. In the end, I saw the signs and I ignored them. I didn't want it to be over although I did think about it quite often. I knew what kind of man he was. I knew he'd hurt me, he already had several times. When I realized that he had gone ahead and cheated again I was crushed though. I really wanted to believe his lies, I wanted to make it work so badly that I ignored all of the red flags along the way. I couldn't believe he had gone ahead and done it AGAIN. This time was worse. This time he humiliated me and hurt our son. I couldn't believe he was making the exact same mistakes all over again. He left his ex-wife when their son was 6 and then he went ahead and did it again to our son when he was 6. I feel so foolish.
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