Telling the BS

March 3, 2014

I guess I find that I would like the Macro version of the truth so I know the reality of my life and stitch in order to decide for myself How to proceed and in which direction. I don't think I'd want to live in a world where my H was cheating on me but I didn't know only to end up Sick with an STD, emotional issues because I MUST be crazy for feeling like I do and children completely messed up because they must be crazy to feeling like things aren't "right".

If knowledge of the A came to light, seems to me that there'd be so much clarity for everyone.

But keep the Micro of the A to yourself less I ask. Anything beyond "hey your H cheated or is cheating with me" could very well be too much for a person, at first or forever*

Proud of you Shimmer*

CIH*

March 3, 2014

I don't view telling the truth to a BS as helpful or harmful. it is TRULY NOT the call of the AP to decide in the BS's behalf what will hurt or harm in the TELLING of secret betrayal.

IF you did not care enough about my feelings while sleeping with my spouse, you should not NOW avoid the truth because of some concern regarding my feelings.

Very, very hypocritical and very, very cowardly, IMO.

I don't care if the motivation is revenge, an attempt to break up the marriage, force a DDAY, assuages a guilty conscience or leads to world peace.

I believe in telling the TRUTH because it IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO, period....and that includes whether it acts as a catalyst for change or drives the BS to further dig their head under the sand.

of course MANY a BS does not want the truth. And while I doubt they are posting here at LS, if I truly felt what I did was wrong to them, I would tell the truth no matter what.....

March 3, 2014

My case was a bit different in that his W did NOT want to know. In fact, the first thing she said after being told was "Why couldn't you have just not told me!"

Incidentally, my MM was the one who told her. He wanted to tell her he was "in love" with me. She reacted in a devastated manner (I don't really know what he expected) which ultimately led him to stay in the marriage because he didn't want to hurt her.

-snip-

I know the BS in my case doesn't know all the details about the A. I know he didn't tell her. I would never tell her because I know she doesn't want to know (she literally told me this) and that it would hurt her more than help. She is able to go forward now and he is focusing on her, and I am glad at least that she didn't know some of the details that I think would have destroyed her. It was a mistake and what happened was in no way a reflection on her or his love for her - it was a reflection on him, his mistakes, and my mistakes.

So, her H told her about the A? Is that correct?

If that's the case and her H told her, then she knows there was an A, just not all the details.

Maybe she doesn't want the details from you, the OW.

That's very different than the BW not wanting to know about the affair. It sounds to me like she didn't want to know the details from you.

What did you try to tell her? Details? Or just that her H had been having an affair with you? In that case, it sounds like she already knew; he told her.

I would have never listened to any details from my H's OW either, especially after a period of time had passed. I never spoke to her nor did she try to contact me.

I wouldn't have known what to believe, it would have hurt and I would have always wondered if she was telling me things just to hurt me, they may or may not have been true. After all, she never had my best interests at heart.

Maybe the BS in your situation feels similar. She has information from her H and for her, that is what she needs.

I'm not sure if I answered your question?

Edited March 3, 2014 by Snowflower

March 3, 2014

I would agree that the BS's here on LS represent a subset of BS's in the world. (they clearly represent at least one subset...BS's who post on LS).

As the subset who "would want to know", I'd add that in my personal opinion...they represent a MAJORITY subset of BS's.

My experience has shown me that the vast majority of BS's would want to know.

Yes, there are exceptions. If an OW/OM can somehow realistically determine for sure that the BS in their situation is indeed truly one of the tremendous minority of those that really don't want to know...then keeping the information to themselves is clearly what the BS desires.

In the absence of that proof...the bottom line is that it seems to me at least that the vast majority of BS's do indeed "want to know"...and so they're more likely to be doing the right thing by telling.

Again...there are always exceptions.

The bottom line is that without true empirical evidence, this all boils down to how we each feel, and what we've observed in our own lives. Odds are, most of us (myself included) are going to post a viewpoint based on our own lives and preferences.

It's up to each individual to do what they truly feel is the right thing in their own situation...and to try to do the right thing for EVERYONE involved, not only themselves.

March 3, 2014

I would agree that the BS's here on LS represent a subset of BS's in the world. (they clearly represent at least one subset...BS's who post on LS).

As the subset who "would want to know", I'd add that in my personal opinion...they represent a MAJORITY subset of BS's.

My experience has shown me that the vast majority of BS's would want to know.

Yes, there are exceptions. If an OW/OM can somehow realistically determine for sure that the BS in their situation is indeed truly one of the tremendous minority of those that really don't want to know...then keeping the information to themselves is clearly what the BS desires.

In the absence of that proof...the bottom line is that it seems to me at least that the vast majority of BS's do indeed "want to know"...and so they're more likely to be doing the right thing by telling.

Again...there are always exceptions.

The bottom line is that without true empirical evidence, this all boils down to how we each feel, and what we've observed in our own lives. Odds are, most of us (myself included) are going to post a viewpoint based on our own lives and preferences.

It's up to each individual to do what they truly feel is the right thing in their own situation...and to try to do the right thing for EVERYONE involved, not only themselves.

I agree with this statement

Edited March 3, 2014 by uneek74

March 4, 2014

I guess I find that I would like the Macro version of the truth so I know the reality of my life and stitch in order to decide for myself How to proceed and in which direction. I don't think I'd want to live in a world where my H was cheating on me but I didn't know only to end up Sick with an STD, emotional issues because I MUST be crazy for feeling like I do and children completely messed up because they must be crazy to feeling like things aren't "right".
If knowledge of the A came to light, seems to me that there'd be so much clarity for everyone.
But keep the Micro of the A to yourself less I ask. Anything beyond "hey your H cheated or is cheating with me" could very well be too much for a person, at first or forever*
Proud of you Shimmer*
CIH*

Thanks CIH. I'm so glad to see you here posting. Your intelligence and strength has helped so many people including myself.

March 4, 2014

I don't view telling the truth to a BS as helpful or harmful. it is TRULY NOT the call of the AP to decide in the BS's behalf what will hurt or harm in the TELLING of secret betrayal.

IF you did not care enough about my feelings while sleeping with my spouse, you should not NOW avoid the truth because of some concern regarding my feelings.

Very, very hypocritical and very, very cowardly, IMO.

I don't care if the motivation is revenge, an attempt to break up the marriage, force a DDAY, assuages a guilty conscience or leads to world peace.

I believe in telling the TRUTH because it IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO, period....and that includes whether it acts as a catalyst for change or drives the BS to further dig their head under the sand.

of course MANY a BS does not want the truth. And while I doubt they are posting here at LS, if I truly felt what I did was wrong to them, I would tell the truth no matter what.....

Great points Spark as usual... you always make me think.

March 4, 2014

So, her H told her about the A? Is that correct?

If that's the case and her H told her, then she knows there was an A, just not all the details.

Maybe she doesn't want the details from you, the OW.

That's very different than the BW not wanting to know about the affair. It sounds to me like she didn't want to know the details from you.

What did you try to tell her? Details? Or just that her H had been having an affair with you? In that case, it sounds like she already knew; he told her.

I would have never listened to any details from my H's OW either, especially after a period of time had passed. I never spoke to her nor did she try to contact me.

I wouldn't have known what to believe, it would have hurt and I would have always wondered if she was telling me things just to hurt me, they may or may not have been true. After all, she never had my best interests at heart.

Maybe the BS in your situation feels similar. She has information from her H and for her, that is what she needs.

I'm not sure if I answered your question?

Actually the only think he told her was that he was "in love with me". She stopped him there. She didn't want any more info. I didn't try to tell her anything because she told me she didn't want to know anything.

So technically she was never told about the A, because she didn't want more information than what he told her.

Frankly, I think her hearing him tell her he was "in love" with me was probably the worst thing she could ever have heard.

March 4, 2014

I would agree that the BS's here on LS represent a subset of BS's in the world. (they clearly represent at least one subset...BS's who post on LS).

As the subset who "would want to know", I'd add that in my personal opinion...they represent a MAJORITY subset of BS's.

My experience has shown me that the vast majority of BS's would want to know.

Yes, there are exceptions. If an OW/OM can somehow realistically determine for sure that the BS in their situation is indeed truly one of the tremendous minority of those that really don't want to know...then keeping the information to themselves is clearly what the BS desires.

In the absence of that proof...the bottom line is that it seems to me at least that the vast majority of BS's do indeed "want to know"...and so they're more likely to be doing the right thing by telling.

Again...there are always exceptions.

The bottom line is that without true empirical evidence, this all boils down to how we each feel, and what we've observed in our own lives. Odds are, most of us (myself included) are going to post a viewpoint based on our own lives and preferences.

It's up to each individual to do what they truly feel is the right thing in their own situation...and to try to do the right thing for EVERYONE involved, not only themselves.

Agreed.

Thank you Owl. Wise as usual.

I would want to know. Spark made a good point that it is hypocritical to be thinking about this at all if it never came up during the A. So maybe it is a moot point, and I can't deny that.

March 4, 2014

I posted about this very topic myself back awhile. And have reflected on it quite a bit. And also looked at it from my perspective as the OW. I want to know. I want to know everything with regard to his M. How else can I have any surety of what our A really means to MM?

So if I put the shoe on the other foot... I can imagine if I were a BS, of course I would want to know. Doesn't mean I have the guts to tell the BS in my case. I think that is MM's department anyway. But I also know he doesn't have the guts either :-(

March 4, 2014

I think most OW have enough of a feel for the peculiarities of their particular situation to have a sense of whether the BW would want to know or not... but most also have a strong investment themselves in her not knowing (or, occasionally, knowing) and this colours their view.

On balance, it is usually better to have more information than less, as it enables one to make a more informed decision about a situation. However, this changes when the information is partial (in both senses of the word) or harmful, and sometimes telling about an A can be one or even both of these.

For the OW who is wishing to continue the A, it is usually in her interests that the BW not know of the A. For the OW wishing to exit the A or transition the A, the BW knowing may seem more desirable, and for an OW no longer in the A, informing the BW may seem like a public service, or it may be an attempt to dress up a desire for revenge in nobler attire. I think understanding where one's own interests lie, and how this may be colouring one's desire to disclose / withhold disclosure, can hel one to look beyond those considerations toward a more "objective" viewing of the situation and whether or not that particular BW in that particular set of circumstances would be more or less likely to want to know. To the extent that that even matters. In most cases, disclosing or withholding disclosure is about the needs of the person disclosing or withholding.

March 4, 2014

I think there are different types of marriages - ones that are happy and both are deeply connected, ones where they were happy at some point but the connection is damaged, and ones where people pretend to be happy (or at least don't admit they are unhappy) and go through all the motions of a marriage without connection. Maybe this latter category, which is really about keeping up appearances and not about emotional connection, produces BS who don't want to know? Their investment is mostly social, not personal, and so it's the social repercussions of an A that they avoid? For me, in any relationship, I would want to know the truth. A marriage where all conversation is about the kids, or the house, or whatever, and not about hopes, dreams, worries, and deeper personal meaning, is not something I ever want. I have never been married but I have been in a long term relationship where my partner began to have feelings for another. We could communicate, so he told me about these feelings, quite scared, and my response was to take a break, go talk to that person and find out if those feelings are real (he didn't know her very well) and not to communicate with me until he'd figured it out. He came back to me, turned out that the deep connection he thought was there with her wasn't, but it could have gone the other way. I guess what I'm saying is, those who want to live in a bubble, to have the social security and daily acts of marriage but don't feel the deep connection to their spouse, maybe they don't want to know. Maybe those who think they have that connection, or want to, are the ones who want the truth. Just a thought. I guess those who rather avoid the whole issue of deep connection are not likely to come to support forums to delve into their real feelings.

March 4, 2014

Actually the only think he told her was that he was "in love with me". She stopped him there. She didn't want any more info. I didn't try to tell her anything because she told me she didn't want to know anything.

So technically she was never told about the A, because she didn't want more information than what he told her.

Frankly, I think her hearing him tell her he was "in love" with me was probably the worst thing she could ever have heard.

But for some BS's that is enough...when their WS declares their love for the OW.

Obviously there was an affair if the WS/MM is proclaiming feelings of love. She knows it.

Perhaps she didn't feel the need to hear your version of affair events? It doesn't necessarily mean she is in denial or doesn't want to know about the affair.

She likely wants to know affair details from her H because he is the one she is married to. She doesn't have a relationship with you so she doesn't likely care about your truth, she cares about his.

She likely is dealing with the aftermath with her H directly. Be glad she isn't involving you in the emotional aftermath because some BS's do this.

I never spoke to the OW in my situation. She never tried to contact me either but I could have tracked her down for a conversation of some sort easily. I had no desire to speak with her and learn her version of the events. She didn't have my best interests at heart so it would have been very easy for her to say whatever she wanted to hurt me more, to cause additional rifts between my H and I, etc.

So, if you think I was one of those BS's who didn't want to know the truth because I didn't try to hear it from the OW, then okay. I just had no desire to talk to her. Nothing that she could say would help.

Oh, I'm sure there are some things I don't know that she could tell me but frankly, I don't care. As far as I'm concerned, the affair relationship was toxic and I wanted nothing to do with it. I wanted out of that weird triangular relationship that I didn't know I was in until after the fact.

I think there are many BSs who feel this way but that doesn't mean they want to know nothing about the affair or are sticking their heads in the sand.

March 4, 2014

But for some BS's that is enough...when their WS declares their love for the OW.

Obviously there was an affair if the WS/MM is proclaiming feelings of love. She knows it.

Perhaps she didn't feel the need to hear your version of affair events? It doesn't necessarily mean she is in denial or doesn't want to know about the affair.

She likely wants to know affair details from her H because he is the one she is married to. She doesn't have a relationship with you so she doesn't likely care about your truth, she cares about his.

She likely is dealing with the aftermath with her H directly. Be glad she isn't involving you in the emotional aftermath because some BS's do this.

I never spoke to the OW in my situation. She never tried to contact me either but I could have tracked her down for a conversation of some sort easily. I had no desire to speak with her and learn her version of the events. She didn't have my best interests at heart so it would have been very easy for her to say whatever she wanted to hurt me more, to cause additional rifts between my H and I, etc.

So, if you think I was one of those BS's who didn't want to know the truth because I didn't try to hear it from the OW, then okay. I just had no desire to talk to her. Nothing that she could say would help.

Oh, I'm sure there are some things I don't know that she could tell me but frankly, I don't care. As far as I'm concerned, the affair relationship was toxic and I wanted nothing to do with it. I wanted out of that weird triangular relationship that I didn't know I was in until after the fact.

I think there are many BSs who feel this way but that doesn't mean they want to know nothing about the affair or are sticking their heads in the sand.

What snowflower says is true. It is interesting because with my affair, the BS did want to speak with me - we met twice actually. She wasn't even sure why - she just wanted to see me. She wanted to see the letters he wrote me and then even after that she had more questions, but she eventually stopped and here is the reason: with questions and answers, generally come more questions. What was she accomplishing? If my story matched up with xmom then she was just verifying. If it didn't? Then she had a decision about who to believe and honestly it didn't matter if my story was the truth and his was a lie - she had to choose to believe her husband if they were going to reconcile.

With my husbands affair, he asked if I wanted to meet with her and I said no -'there was nothing I wanted to ask her. He probably was relieved that I didn't. There are times I think I probably should have, but in the end it really doesn't matter. I pretty much know why the affair happened - my knowing the details don't really add to our reconciliation.

So there you have it - in my case two BS's ( my xmom's wife and myself) who handled things completely different.

March 4, 2014

I posted about this very topic myself back awhile. And have reflected on it quite a bit. And also looked at it from my perspective as the OW. I want to know. I want to know everything with regard to his M. How else can I have any surety of what our A really means to MM?

So if I put the shoe on the other foot... I can imagine if I were a BS, of course I would want to know. Doesn't mean I have the guts to tell the BS in my case. I think that is MM's department anyway. But I also know he doesn't have the guts either :-(

great points....And, putting their M on a back burner, more realistic in the OW/OM sitch would be...

Wouldn't YOU want to know if you were NOT the ONLY AP? I mean, how would that make YOU feel? Crazed I'm sure, and hungry for the facts too I bet.

March 4, 2014

What I find interesting after some time has passed now for me is that my ex likes to blame me for why our relationship ended.

He did NOT want me to know the truth. He wanted to end the relationship with her and be with me but the problem was, he didn't tell me the truth about what he had been doing.

I hounded him. I watched what she posted online and I hounded him about it. I had my suspicions and I wanted the damn truth. I wanted to know if he was really capable of cheating on me AGAIN. I wanted to KNOW.

See, he KNEW that if I knew about it that I would kick him out. He didn't want that. He didn't WANT to be with her.

But... I hounded and hounded and he finally told me the truth. Yes, he had been sleeping with her. That's ALL I needed to know. I didn't need to know the gory details. What I didn't understand was why... after the fact... after I had kicked him out... why then did she feel the need to make sure I know ALL the details? That was too much for me. I didn't need to know all about it. I didn't need to know every single little thing they had done or what they had discussed. I didn't deserve to be treated like I was a disgusting human being. I loved him. More than I've ever loved anyone ever in my entire life. I loved him dearly and to know that he said such vile things about me to someone else was just awful.

I'm still reeling from it... and it's been almost 5 months.

The final issue though is... yes.. I wanted to know. I wanted to know WHY WHY WHY as well. What did I do wrong, why didn't he love me anymore, why did he lie about me, why did he hurt me. WHY WHY WHY.

I wasn't asking WHAT WHAT WHAT.... I didn't need the details.

So for all you OW's out there thinking about telling the BS that her SO is cheating on her... please don't give the details. That's too much information. It's burned in my brain now. Even this much time later, thinking about it makes me want to vomit.

In fact, don't tell her anything at all unless she asks you for it. Leave her be. The last person I wanted to talk to was the skank he cheated on me with. I wanted to hear from HIM what had happened. I didn't need to know all about what they had done.

And just as an FYI... for someone who was so intent on not being with her... he sure is with her now. I feel like there is so much I could tell HER about what to expect... but does she really want the truth? Likely not. She is now in what used to be my shoes. But will I get in her face and make damn sure she knows how much he is lying to her? Nope. She'll figure it out.

March 4, 2014

I guess I find that I would like the Macro version of the truth so I know the reality of my life and stitch in order to decide for myself How to proceed and in which direction. I don't think I'd want to live in a world where my H was cheating on me but I didn't know only to end up Sick with an STD, emotional issues because I MUST be crazy for feeling like I do and children completely messed up because they must be crazy to feeling like things aren't "right".
If knowledge of the A came to light, seems to me that there'd be so much clarity for everyone.
But keep the Micro of the A to yourself less I ask. Anything beyond "hey your H cheated or is cheating with me" could very well be too much for a person, at first or forever*
Proud of you Shimmer*
CIH*

THIS.

When I found out, uh, the second time (the first was an unspeakable event from which we were in "R"... right) I wish someone had contacted me. Broke it gently. About how she and many, maaaaaaaany others had been with my STBXH. But no.

Sigh. I found hundreds of emails. Pictures. Websites. More secret email addys. More naked pictures, this time they were of mutual friends ::shudder:: he'd been with. My God. Holidays he skipped with me and the kids to hunt strange. STDs they thought they might have. Near pregnancies.

TOOMUCHTOOMUCHTOOMUCH.

Did I want to know? Yes. Enough to make the decision to stay or leave (ha), consider my daughter, and protect myself. Get tested. Repeatedly.

I took pictures and kept proof, but it was so hard to go through, even for that. It felt like death by a thousand cuts. Eventually I stopped reading. And left.

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