peaksandvalleys Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Hm. I just gave you an instance where a woman I know personally didn't want to know anything about her husband's affair. But, I suppose you are right, she did know, and chose to ignore it. I prefaced my statement with "I don't personally know". I didn't imply that she knew nor do I feel that way. I posted as my personal experience. I do take stories here such as yours with a grain of salt. 3
Realist3 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 My case was a bit different in that his W did NOT want to know. In fact, the first thing she said after being told was "Why couldn't you have just not told me!" My wife was/is the same way. Although I didn't tell her, she found out by accident, or rather my own stupid mistake. When she found out three months into the A we had one 15 minute conversation about it. She didn't want to know any details except for who it was. She spent those 15 minutes telling me how stupid I was to let her find out. It has never come up again. She knows we are still involved, but has no interest in it as long as it is out of her face. So, I keep it out of her face. 1
goodyblue Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I prefaced my statement with "I don't personally know". I didn't imply that she knew nor do I feel that way. I posted as my personal experience. I do take stories here such as yours with a grain of salt. Noted, reciprocated. Realist, thanks for sharing. I have seen several experiences of the same. 1
eleanorrigby Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 My question is, do you think that there is a 'bias' here on this forum in terms of there being more independent, strong BSs who want to be able to decide on their life in terms of their M, as compared to women who would rather just not know? If they know, they will be forced to either deal with it or accept it, and some women don't want to do that and would rather just ignore it. For example, his W would never come to a forum like this and post. I've been on several infidelity forums over the years and can't recall any betrayed posters that have said they would not want to know. I don't know that we on this forum are stronger as a group. I don't feel particularly strong or independent. I gravitated to forums because I had worn out all the people in my real life talking about what was going on, and I needed to talk to people that had in the same situation. 2
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 There is a difference between knowing your spouse cheated and knowing ALL the details of the affair. You note that the BS in your case would be crushed if she knew "all the details." Well, that is to be expected. I would doubt any BS wants to know the lurid details of their spouse's intimate moments with someone else. But, at least she now knows that her H is capable of straying, and she can choose to look for/ignore signs in the future should he decide to stray again. I probably should have been more specific, or maybe 'details' was misleading in my case. She didn't want to know ANYTHING. She was mad and upset that she found out at all. Ex-MM told her he was "in love with me" and that was it. The only things she knew about me were that I lived on the other side of the country and that we ran a business together (from a distance). She never asked if the affair was physical or if we had ever met. I talked to her on the phone for a few minutes and she made it clear she wanted to know NOTHING. She never asked how it started. (He told me he was separated and divorcing, which turned out to be a lie). She never asked how long it went on. I actually became pregnant by him and had a daughter who was born prematurely and died shortly after she was born (this happened after the A ended). She doesn't know about that either.
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 Deal in facts. You don't know for a fact that she wouldn't want know. I actually did know. She told me.
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 Exception here again I guess. I paid to have all the lurid details. I must be really abnormal. You aren't abnormal. I would do the same thing. I just don't think that all BSs feel that way.
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 My wife was/is the same way. Although I didn't tell her, she found out by accident, or rather my own stupid mistake. When she found out three months into the A we had one 15 minute conversation about it. She didn't want to know any details except for who it was. She spent those 15 minutes telling me how stupid I was to let her find out. It has never come up again. She knows we are still involved, but has no interest in it as long as it is out of her face. So, I keep it out of her face. This is exactly like his W was.
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 I've been on several infidelity forums over the years and can't recall any betrayed posters that have said they would not want to know. I don't know that we on this forum are stronger as a group. I don't feel particularly strong or independent. I gravitated to forums because I had worn out all the people in my real life talking about what was going on, and I needed to talk to people that had in the same situation. I think that people on forums seeking out a place to discuss the topic by definition aren't in denial. 1
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 And in the cases where the BS may want to remain in denial, telling them is still probably a gift, well-received or not. I'm not sure I agree with this. From your perspective and that of those who would want to know, it may be a gift. Not so much for the person who would rather deal with it differently.
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 I think the BS's here really push the "tell the BS" angle, but I don't think that all people want to know, and I think a lot of times when people go that route, they're not doing it in the spirit of honesty and disclosure, they're doing it to hurt either their BS or their AP who ended the affair. These "should I or shouldn't I" crisis of conscience never seem to happen during the affair, only after it is winding up, or after one party or the other has been injured by each other or the BS. I completely agree with this, and it's one of the main reasons I have a problem with it. 2
verity123 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I wouldn't go as much to say the women here are stronger, I think there are a lot of BS's here that have been hurt to the core, and ride or die for each other. For the number that want to know, there are as many that don't want to know, for their own reasons. Here on LS you get only a small sampling of women/men, who have been told that their spouse has been cheating by the AP. Sometimes these reveals can have devastating effects both mentally and physically. We don't know the true dynamics of a family's home life, and what really is happening behind closed doors. I agree with you though. It's not our choice to tell the spouse, just because we feel they have the right to know. Many times, they already know what they are dealing with. Isn't it possible that the ones who do not want to know, would not come here in the first place? 4
verity123 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 My wife was/is the same way. Although I didn't tell her, she found out by accident, or rather my own stupid mistake. When she found out three months into the A we had one 15 minute conversation about it. She didn't want to know any details except for who it was. She spent those 15 minutes telling me how stupid I was to let her find out. It has never come up again. She knows we are still involved, but has no interest in it as long as it is out of her face. So, I keep it out of her face. Wow this is so interesting after D day, he /she chose not to face it and we still saw each other. it hurt her more on the second d day though. Really what happens is that the details start hitting the brain, the stuff starts piecing together and then the hurt really happens. I know that, MM told me that after d day two BS started to piece it together. Jeez, I would not wish that on her, I don't know why she would want him in her life just in body not in spirit. It has destroyed us all.:( I am not saying this is true in all reconciliations but he is a shell, not with me and not with her.
eleanorrigby Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I think that people on forums seeking out a place to discuss the topic by definition aren't in denial. She could be talking it out with a friend or counselor. (I had a couple of telephone sessions with a marriage builder coach that I never told anyone in my day to day life about) Not everyone is into forums, but that doesn't mean that they are in denial if they don't seek them out to chat. 1
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 She could be talking it out with a friend or counselor. (I had a couple of telephone sessions with a marriage builder coach that I never told anyone in my day to day life about) Not everyone is into forums, but that doesn't mean that they are in denial if they don't seek them out to chat. Yes, this is a good point. Just because they aren't on a forum does not mean they are in denial. Thanks for clarifying that... I actually meant it the other way, that the ones who ARE in denial would not tend to be here.
waterwoman Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I actually did know. She told me. Sorry hope, I was speaking generally. I would hazard a guess that that isn't the case in many situations.
A.Moscote Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Yes she said "Why couldn't you have just not told me!". But doesn't that sounds impulsive, like a desperate attempt to deny, or a bad wishful thinking. Maybe just to lash out at you. It's her grieve out of her tumbling emotions. Whether she really want to know nothing at all or not, we'd never know for sure. Certainly what she said doesn't fit with the description of a wife who did the "sniff test" to find out something about her H. On your part, you have done what you should, that is not trying to deny what has happen between you and her H. From this thread, I don't see any hints of you trying to manipulate the matter further, or trying to deceive her. She was given the harsh truth. Her reaction on it is something out of your control. Hopefully things will work out good for her, and for you too.
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 Yes she said "Why couldn't you have just not told me!". But doesn't that sounds impulsive, like a desperate attempt to deny, or a bad wishful thinking. Maybe just to lash out at you. It's her grieve out of her tumbling emotions. Whether she really want to know nothing at all or not, we'd never know for sure. Certainly what she said doesn't fit with the description of a wife who did the "sniff test" to find out something about her H. On your part, you have done what you should, that is not trying to deny what has happen between you and her H. From this thread, I don't see any hints of you trying to manipulate the matter further, or trying to deceive her. She was given the harsh truth. Her reaction on it is something out of your control. Hopefully things will work out good for her, and for you too. Thank you for the kind words. My conversation with her occurred long enough after the initial "telling" by her H that I think she really meant it when she told me that she wanted to know nothing. Also, there are several people who know her well who have told me that is how she is continuing to manage this. It doesn't correlate at all with the sniff test thing, I agree.
uneek74 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 (edited) NotOW35: To answer your question. Yes, I was in a long term affair that ended a while ago. (mutally)Yes, the W did find many things that were suspect, like texts, throw away phone, that kind of thing, but not anything that she could use that gave any details, such as how long or what happened during the A. She always acted a fool, and then it was business as usual that also included threats to leave. If the house of cards would have fallen, that would have been on me and my AP. I guess you take the consequences as they come. It's unfortunate that you can't really convey a lot of details about your life or A, or AP because you never know who may be lurking and put two and two together. Having to be limited in sharing leaves a lot out of your story as to the how, when, what etc. I am still not an advocate for telling, though some will strongly disagree with me, and that's ok. Each of us rationalize in different ways. Edited March 2, 2014 by uneek74 add information
Realist3 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Wow this is so interesting after D day, he /she chose not to face it and we still saw each other. it hurt her more on the second d day though. Really what happens is that the details start hitting the brain, the stuff starts piecing together and then the hurt really happens. I know that, MM told me that after d day two BS started to piece it together. Jeez, I would not wish that on her, I don't know why she would want him in her life just in body not in spirit. It has destroyed us all.:( I am not saying this is true in all reconciliations but he is a shell, not with me and not with her. That was 4 years ago.
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 As a program note, members can view this discussion thread for more information on the referenced amnesty program: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/general/loveshack-org-questions-comments/463426-amnesty-program It's important to note the following passage: "It's imperative that members wishing a 'second shot' at membership be assisted in their goal to become productive members so we can all help them by being productive members ourselves and discussing interpersonal relationship issues within the forum's guidelines. " In line with that mandate, moderation will not tolerate trolling or baiting such members, a common practice in the Infidelity forums, and, due to the nature of the program, we're reviewing every one of their postings prior to publication so we're reading every thread they post in. Thanks for reading and please continue! I want to say thank you for this program. I know it is a ton of work for the mods and on top of that it is extra work that was taken on voluntarily by the mods. With my 30+ posts in the space of 2 days, the post moderation just for me takes a ton of time and I hope I am not driving anyone nuts. And without exception my posts are reviewed and appear within minutes to no more than an hour of my submitting them. Incredible. This place is great and was what literally saved my life when I was going through my A. I will be doing everything I can to give back at this point. Thank you - 1
mercy Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 So if we don't know which of those options the BS feels, is it really okay for the OW to assume that she is in the former category? That is my honest question. I truly believe in honesty. Honesty frees everyone. Lies keep you stuck. If she doesn't except your truth that is on her, not you. You've done all you can do. Now denial, WHOLE nuther story. Her game, not yours. I was told, in a very cruel way but still told which is all that mattered. It set me free. With that truth I had many choices to make before that I was stuck in lies, not a pretty place to be. 2
VeronicaRoss Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I find it surprising how well you think you know the wife. Did you actually know her as a friend or is this through his description of her? One thing for sure, married men are careful to portray the wife in such a way that helps them get what they want. A dependent wife would make him 1) look like the hero for staying (I'm sure he's told you how unhappy he is) and 2) make you feel sorry for her and probably not be too pushy about getting together. It may not be true. It's just a very common angle. It sounds like you're still bought into his version of reality, again unless you have spent significant time around them both and could gauge it yourself.
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 I find it surprising how well you think you know the wife. Did you actually know her as a friend or is this through his description of her? One thing for sure, married men are careful to portray the wife in such a way that helps them get what they want. A dependent wife would make him 1) look like the hero for staying (I'm sure he's told you how unhappy he is) and 2) make you feel sorry for her and probably not be too pushy about getting together. It may not be true. It's just a very common angle. It sounds like you're still bought into his version of reality, again unless you have spent significant time around them both and could gauge it yourself. Believe me, I've been here and done that for a long time. This has been going on for many years. I am just now getting out of it. She wasn't a friend but a coworker/partner in a way. We did talk. I know her very well from those early days. I know that the others who have talked to her are on target from what they say now. It's the same thing that ex-MM says but it just confirms it.
Author Hope Shimmers Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 I find it surprising how well you think you know the wife. Did you actually know her as a friend or is this through his description of her? Yes, I understand that. I have told my story here on this site since 2009. I know that most people don't know the history of course! I know the W, and it is through his description too. One thing for sure, married men are careful to portray the wife in such a way that helps them get what they want. A dependent wife would make him 1) look like the hero for staying (I'm sure he's told you how unhappy he is) and 2) make you feel sorry for her and probably not be too pushy about getting together. It may not be true. It's just a very common angle. It sounds like you're still bought into his version of reality, again unless you have spent significant time around them both and could gauge it yourself. Thanks. I no longer "buy into his version of reality" for sure. That ended years ago. I am years out of an A that lasted many years. Most of which I have shared on here in the past.
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