joeyNoelle Posted January 23, 2005 Posted January 23, 2005 Me and my bf have been together 3 and a bit months now and I'm very confused and conflicted about what i should do in this situation. I will give you an example of the way he treats me......which explain some of my reasons for considering to end this thing. Saturday he was over at my place and we made plans for him to come over the next day etc. I went to work that night. Next morning i get a message saying that he didn't see that friend he was supposed last night to so he was gonna go there to play pool for a few hours ...and he asked me if that was ok. Thats fine...i knew he had to see his friend about organising stuff for next week etc but...what upset me was we had made plans and then he just pretty much cancelled themto see his friend. I messaged back saying ..did you plan not to see me today? anyway its too late now for u to come over I'm doing some work and then going out....and i have been invited out on wed so i might just do that (my bf had suggested before that we spend the day together coz he had the day off work) but now my friend had invited me to something that night so i said yes ... because i wanted to go and i was tired of fitting in with him. Basically i feel like he thinks he can treat me this way and i end up not making plans because i think I'm going to do something with him and then if plans change at last minute I'm left in the lurch.... basically its a lack of consideration. Anyway what do u guys think or am i over-reacting... i really feel like breaking things off the only thing that stops me is that he treats me so well when we are together? What should i do? Any advice?
Marge Posted January 23, 2005 Posted January 23, 2005 I think you did the right thing by giving him a taste of his own medicine and not being available for him. He will either get the message and change, or he will stay that way and always do that to you. I have a man that always does that to me. You have to make that decision .... although it seems that you already did. I say that your instincts are right, and you will save yourself alot of pain in the future if you end it now. You should be #1, no friends should bump you out of the way. At least that's the way I feel. I think some men are incapable of putting a woman first. All the ones that I always pick. You cant change an inconsiderate person- believe me after 12 years I know. Marge
poister Posted January 23, 2005 Posted January 23, 2005 How about talking about it instead of playing games?
upsetnhurt Posted January 23, 2005 Posted January 23, 2005 Communication is the key to any successful relationship. Seems easy enough yet I can't seem keep my relationships strong either . My advice would be to sit down and let him know how you feel. If he responds favorably there is a chance for you both. If not, and I know you will surprise him, stand up and let him know that you deserve better and that he should contact you when and if he is willing to provide the relationship that which it needs. It will be tough on you as you said he does some things right yet JOEY in the long run some things won't cut it. He has to be willing to do everything for you to be happy, not some. If you compromise on this, I give you a few more years of disappointments before you find yourself in the same boat. Why let it get that far...take control of your life and fix what is needed to be fixed and know that what is meant to be will be. Good luck.
Hund1976 Posted January 23, 2005 Posted January 23, 2005 If you really like him and enjoy the time you spend together then I wouldn't break up with him over that just yet, have a talk with him and tell him how you feel. Tell him you like being with him but it hurts you when you don't feel important to him when he breaks plans with you. Give stuff a chance to get better and see what happens.
Author joeyNoelle Posted January 24, 2005 Author Posted January 24, 2005 ok update spoke to him last night and he said that he was still going to come over after he spent a couple hours with his friend.....but i didn't pick up on that in the message...he said it was implied and why would i assume the worst...that i didn't want to see you etc. Itried to explian that it wasn't clear and given what he has been like in the past etc i thought thats what was happening. He got mad said he waas making an effort now etc and then i just went and made plans without thim to get back at him...which wasn't true ..i just said yes to friends coz i wasn't sure if he was gonna want to see me that day.....so he said i was being stupid etc ..why would i think that...he got mad...angry...swore a bit....which i didn't like told him not to swear. Anyway it was just a big stupid mis-communication but some how i end up feeling like it was my fault and my problem for getting upset and that i was just being stupid.... he said i didn't even ask if he was still coming over i just assumed and had a hissy fit. I just don't feel like he can even try and see my point of view when i try so hard to see his. Feeling confused...i decided to cre-arrange plans with friends and see them on the weekend instead so i can se him.....just not sure anymore....i feel like he gets angry at me ttoo easily and i get hurt too easily......any advice?
alphamale Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Originally posted by joeyNoelle Anyway what do u guys think or am i over-reacting... i really feel like breaking things off the only thing that stops me is that he treats me so well when we are together? What should i do? Any advice? you are overreacting JOEYNOELLE. anyways, would you want a b/f who is a lap dog and does everything you say and never looks out for himself? at least this dude has his own interests, friends and life. would you rather have a spineless jellyfish of a b/f who is with you 24/7 and always doing what u say? i think not.
BoatingBabe Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Dump him...will save heartache in the future. Nothing irks me more than someone who is incosniderate or my time and doesn't value my presence. I wouldn't play second fiddle to anyone...but that's just me...
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 I don't know how old you are....But it seems somehow you both should be able to discuss these issues. Don't feel insecure just because he wants to do the 'guy' thing. It is HEALTHY to do things separately. Don't have to be together 24/7....Give afew days here and there....You both will miss eachother more and want to spend more time together. Saturday he was over at my place and we made plans for him to come over the next day etc. I went to work that night. Next morning i get a message saying that he didn't see that friend he was supposed last night to so he was gonna go there to play pool for a few hours ...and he asked me if that was ok. That is a good thing right there! Thats fine...i knew he had to see his friend about organising stuff for next week etc but...what upset me was we had made plans and then he just pretty much cancelled themto see his friend. OK, well not so good...Was this the same friend as before, or different circumstances? Basically i feel like he thinks he can treat me this way and i end up not making plans because i think I'm going to do something with him and then if plans change at last minute I'm left in the lurch.... basically its a lack of consideration. Anyway what do u guys think or am i over-reacting... i really feel like breaking things off the only thing that stops me is that he treats me so well when we are together? Communication is the key. Don't play games, just be straight forward and sort this out with him...If you really like this guy then don't let an issue build up till you feel like breaking up with him. And, as I mentioned before, spend time with your friends too. Don't put all the eggs in one basket. He is WITH you, your bf and all, but may not want to spend every minute with you. That is OK. Doesn't mean anything is wrong either. Just try and have faith things are alright. Good luck!
alphamale Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Originally posted by whichwayisup And, as I mentioned before, spend time with your friends too. Don't put all the eggs in one basket. He is WITH you, your bf and all, but may not want to spend every minute with you. That is OK. Doesn't mean anything is wrong either. Just try and have faith things are alright. Good luck! yeah what she said! it is impt to have your "relationship" life and your own life outside it to keep a helathy balance. JOEYNEOELLE, are you sure you are not jealous that your b/f has a life outside the relationship and you may not? also, it's only been 3 months and this is hardly enuf time for two people to "get on the same page".
whichwayisup Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Hey, after 11 years with my husband, I am happy as a pig in s*** when he goes out!! Makes me so happy that I get to do what I want! Just getting him OUT OF MY HAIR as he drives me nuts sometimes. You will learn this as you further in the relationship...Just happens and a basic acceptance comes in to play...Actually it is called finding out the other person s*** does stink!! yeah what she said! YOU baby are pumping MY ego up now! Hehehe Agreeing with me, telling me I'm right...Hmmmmmm...
Author joeyNoelle Posted January 24, 2005 Author Posted January 24, 2005 i get al all your points and they are relevant i would like to clarify though that i want him to see his friends because it means that i get to see mine.....the issue was that i thought he had cancelled our plans in favour with spending time with them. Also he works long hours all week so we only have wekends together.and he lives 30 mins away and starts work at about 4am everyday for his summer job.
blinkless Posted January 25, 2005 Posted January 25, 2005 My advice is to drop him like a hot potatoe. If you don't like to be treated like this, bolt like a scalled cat. Never plan to change anyone. if you don't like them now, it only gets more concentrated. But specifically, I ve been there and still wonder if I'd drop what I were doing to meet him if he called, lik eI used to. I don't think so though, he never even considered Me or my feelings as anything important enough to dwell on. I was a fool. I loved him for his knowledge and everything else , I never cared about his money, and good thing cuz other than the immediate meals etc, when he was there, He wouldn't by me a birthday present. I really don't like the feeling he left me with, as though I was nothing. It won't change.
ziggue Posted January 25, 2005 Posted January 25, 2005 I agree. It won't change. Save yourself the heart ache and dump him. You don't want the same thing to keep happening 3 or 4 years down the track. How much are you willing to take if he treats you like this all the time? It's not worth it.
Author joeyNoelle Posted February 8, 2005 Author Posted February 8, 2005 So on sunday i dumped him..it was over the same kind of issue.....he said on fri do u want me to come over on sun.. i said yes...sunday comes and by lunchtime i heard nothing so i messaged to see if he was coming over..he replied saying that his friend had bought him a ticket to a concert and he wasn't coming over....how was i supposed to know that...when would he have told me? that night after i waited around all day?...enough was enough so i called him and told him that it just wasn't going to work .. gave my reasons and i thought that was that..... the next night i was miserable having doubts etc which i guess is normal. but i called him..saying that i was confused...i never eally gave him a chance to say anything.and that i just missed him. i didn't expect to hear from him..i thought he hated me and would want me to f%#K Off...but he messaged me today saying that he didn't know what to think.. i say one thing and do another...that he was more confused and that he was at work couldn't talk then but later. So i don't know what to do .. i can't go back to how it was..but i miss him...i just wish it didn't hurt so much and i could just move on fast! Any advice on moving on? or getting over things what to do? it hurts!
Marge Posted February 8, 2005 Posted February 8, 2005 You may miss him and call him- its ok. When its time to move on you will know it. Could you imagine leaving him sitting there while he was waiting for you. You go out with your friends and you dont call him. You would never do that. That's inconsiderate. You have already talked to him about it, and he still keeps doing it. You become like a yo-yo to him because he is repeating his behavior and so are you. One of you have to do something different to break the habit, otherwise it will continue forever. I know its hard, but its your choice. How do you want to live? If you take him back, he will do it again. He is doing it alot. You could try doing it back to him to see if he can understand easier. Good luck! Marge
Author joeyNoelle Posted February 9, 2005 Author Posted February 9, 2005 he called last night and i couldn't bear to talk to him so i let my friend get it and say i was out... then he messaged me saying he called but i wasn't there and to call him tomor if i wanted... which is tonight....but i won't calll....i know i miss him no ut i can't go back... thing would be no different....i just need time...i would like to stay i touch but its too soon to be friends....i will probably run into him again at some stage but until then i think NC is the best policy for now. To be honest i feel very conflicted....part of me wishes he would call and beg and tell me he will do whatever it takes....but part of me doesn't want him to call coz i know in he long run he would go back to his ways...he needs time to grow up. why o i feel so conflicted about contact with him....part of me wants to hear from him part of me doesn't......what to do.....i can't back down and i would never go back into a serious relationship with him....so why am i fantasiding that 6 months down the track i will bump into him a a part and we wll hook up again?
Author joeyNoelle Posted February 9, 2005 Author Posted February 9, 2005 i meant to say at a party and we will hook up again.
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