EverySunset Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Its been over a year together. I left my STBXH a few months back, for many reasons. He was and is a hot mess, I'm glad to be gone with our little girl. Safer, happier. I want to be with my MM, of course... our timetable to leave our respective M's sped up for me when I had a Dday and saw a R as useless. I got out quickly and stayed with my MM. The STBXH moved and I've been happy, enough. My MM has been working with a therapist on how to leave with least possible damage to his kids, get a healthy outlook and get a place for when he leaves. We both like the apt he's moving into, and we've been building a life around the future, like where I'll transfer colleges (I'm getting a dif degree), my daughters school, etc. We won't move in together for a few months, but once we do we plan on staying there a while. We have a routine of constant, daily communication that is relegated to phones and texting on weekends while we're mostly with our children. But today, all day, since last night... *nothing*. We never, ever go silent. So either he had an accident last night after he left, or he had a Dday of his own. If he lost his phone he'd still email. So it's probably Dday. How do you deal when your AP has a Dday? Despite plans for a future, or a relationship for over a year after 15+ of friendship, I KNOW I could be staring at the undercarriage of a bus any time now. How do you get through THEIR Dday?
HPrynne Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Take a deep breath. Do you have a contingency plan? Do the two of you have stated parameters for length of zero contact, so you know when to worry, or a means of communication that is outside the norm if that parameter is violated? Most importantly, try not to panic until you know what's happened. Sounds like D-day is a strong possibility, but there could be other explanations. Hang in there, until you know more.
NotOW35 Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Have you tried calling/emailing him? I'm confused...does he still live with his W? You said you stayed with him after you left. Do you know if the W had suspicions? Did he have a plan for telling her or dealing w a d day?
beach Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Since you two have plans for the future - why don't you go over to his place and find out why he's not communicating? 4
Author EverySunset Posted March 1, 2014 Author Posted March 1, 2014 Take a deep breath. Do you have a contingency plan? Do the two of you have stated parameters for length of zero contact, so you know when to worry, or a means of communication that is outside the norm if that parameter is violated? Most importantly, try not to panic until you know what's happened. Sounds like D-day is a strong possibility, but there could be other explanations. Hang in there, until you know more. He has promised to always go into work and contact me the day after, if a Dday occurs. Otherwise silence is never supposed to be ok :-( Have you tried calling/emailing him? I'm confused...does he still live with his W? You said you stayed with him after you left. Do you know if the W had suspicions? Did he have a plan for telling her or dealing w a d day? He does still live in his home but rarely even sees his W during the week since he works a late shift to work/business overseas. They've been cold for years and especially icy lately since he doesn't even attempt intimacy with her since we've been serious. I don't know anything 100 certain since I don't live there, but we were friends for many years before inexcusably falling into this, so fortunately/unfortunately I am very, very acquainted with the details of their M. And in my opinion, yes, she suspects. She has been keeping an ear on the ground lately and asking him odd probing questions. This was planned for the next month or two according to his schedule, buuuuut I know how hard it is to leave a marriage. I walked into the end of mine with a clear head, and a firm heart, and my X still played my emotions like an old familiar violin. sigh.
Author EverySunset Posted March 1, 2014 Author Posted March 1, 2014 Since you two have plans for the future - why don't you go over to his place and find out why he's not communicating? I don't want to insert myself into the way he handles his families reaction to a difficult situation. I have called. Texted. Emailed. No answer anywhere.
scatterd Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Anything is possible but do not panic until you know for sure. If wife and kids are around its not easy to get away with out being noticed. Instead of sneaking out of the relationship why does he not just be honest. That will give his wife time to prepare also. You say he is concerned about his family taken this OK. But this is a hurtful way to do it. Ask him to be honest I'm sure she will let him go. That way her and the children can see a therapist also. So many times on here when it comes time to leave the MP chickens out and stays. The children and assets are usually the excuse. He may end up going but prepared in case he does not. Is it safe to call and message him. Maybe let him do the calling he will get a hold of you when he can. 2
beach Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I don't want to insert myself into the way he handles his families reaction to a difficult situation. I have called. Texted. Emailed. No answer anywhere. Honey, you've already inserted yourself into all of his business. You've now planned a future with a man yet you feel you can't go over and check on why he's silent? What kind of relationship do you plan to have? Go over to his house and ring his doorbell and ask if he's ok. 9
Hope Shimmers Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 If it were me I would be afraid that something happened to him or someone in his family. I vote for going over there too.
goodyblue Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 The silence can be deafening, that is certain. Try to hang in there. Don't panic until you have something to panic about. Just try to live your life the best you can and wait to hear, I know it's difficult. I hope you hear soon! 1
rumbleseat Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Something here makes no sense to me. He lives with his w, yet you stayed at their house when you left your m? Am I missing something here? You also say you can't know for 100% certain what is going on since you don't live there. This is weird. Either he has a different home somewhere else and that's where you stayed, or he moved you into his and his W's house. Getting along or not, what kind of man moves his ow into the house he shares with his w?
Hope Shimmers Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Something here makes no sense to me. He lives with his w, yet you stayed at their house when you left your m? Am I missing something here? You also say you can't know for 100% certain what is going on since you don't live there. This is weird. Either he has a different home somewhere else and that's where you stayed, or he moved you into his and his W's house. Getting along or not, what kind of man moves his ow into the house he shares with his w? I think she means 'stayed with MM' as in 'stayed in the relationship', not literally living with him. At least that's how I interpreted it. 4
Author EverySunset Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 not insecure. I just wanted to let him handle his Dday without me showing up and rubbing it in her face. I think you all bring up good points and I'll come back and address them soon I live w my daughter I just stayed in the relationship w MM.. kind of a thread killer, but I wish it had been a Dday. He's in the hosp and got a mutual friend to call and tell me. He'll probably be ok, he's got some massive infection though and they're blasting him with IV meds. can't go visit tho. Makes me reevaluate being in this whole thing until he gets out. sad
LilGirlandOW Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I'm happy you know what happened now, waiting and wondering can be a nightmare. I am also sad for you that you cant visit and support the man you love when he needs it most... ((_Hugs_)) 1
Hope Shimmers Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I'm glad he's going to be okay. I remember how difficult those silences were.
HPrynne Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I'm so sorry. It sounds like you two need to work things out so you are together sooner rather than later (since that is your stated plan). I hope he recovers quickly and you are able to implement your plans and move on with your lives. Nothing is worse than uncertainty and its attendant hope. 1
bentleychic Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Stuff like that makes it even harder. We've had a few of those ourselves, but thankfully didn't have silences and he kept in contact. I'm sorry and hope he'll be okay. 1
LilGirlandOW Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Hi. What does D day mean? The day the affair is discovered by the BS.
Author EverySunset Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 I'm happy you know what happened now, waiting and wondering can be a nightmare. I am also sad for you that you cant visit and support the man you love when he needs it most... ((_Hugs_)) thanks doll this has been kind of an eye opener for us. He has people in and out the door, but not me... and he says that's not right. It hurts us both and makes it obvious what the heart and head wants during the hardest times. I'm glad he's going to be okay. I remember how difficult those silences were. exactly! I knew something was wrong, but was powerless to find out what. A scary place to be in .. we got to talk on the phone today and he said he would have felt the same way. This arrangement is not working anymore. Something has to give. 1
Author EverySunset Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 I'm so sorry. It sounds like you two need to work things out so you are together sooner rather than later (since that is your stated plan). I hope he recovers quickly and you are able to implement your plans and move on with your lives. Nothing is worse than uncertainty and its attendant hope. I agree. He is going home soon (likely tomorrow or so) and we've already started talks about moving up the timetable. The old approach is starting to feel unnatural and forced, we aren't able to support each other the way we would like to lately and its putting a strain on everything. It could even ruin it... So you're spot on. Stuff like that makes it even harder. We've had a few of those ourselves, but thankfully didn't have silences and he kept in contact. I'm sorry and hope he'll be okay. Thank you. I adore you and Lils posts because I usually can relate to so much. Similiar lives, kids, situations...ages, everything. Affairs can be isolating but I really like the sisterhood I find on here so much. 1
nais Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 not insecure. I just wanted to let him handle his Dday without me showing up and rubbing it in her face. I think you all bring up good points and I'll come back and address them soon I live w my daughter I just stayed in the relationship w MM.. kind of a thread killer, but I wish it had been a Dday. He's in the hosp and got a mutual friend to call and tell me. He'll probably be ok, he's got some massive infection though and they're blasting him with IV meds. can't go visit tho. Makes me reevaluate being in this whole thing until he gets out. sad read somewhere that if a person finds a way to communicate with you- no matter the circumstances- they care. A friend called, have you tried to call to see if he is indeed in said hospital? They can transfer you to his room- if he answers just ask if this a good time, if not just have him say it was for someone who was I that room before him. Either way you can show your support without interfering- if a woman answers give a wrong name anyway- act like shes the one your looking for- say Grandma some ish lol 1
SoleMate Posted March 6, 2014 Posted March 6, 2014 Being in the hospital and on IV meds in no way incapacitates a person from using a cellphone. In a normal r/s, there's no question you could call him, check on his health, get answers, go to see him. Even if he were very weak or unconscious, your name and number would be on his wallet card and you'd be called and informed as a matter of course. The emergency responders, nurses etc. would apprise you as a priority. Your visits would be expected and all about being together. Once conscious, he would be waiting for you to walk through that door as the thing he most looked forward to in the world and you can 99%+ guarantee he'd be thrilled to see you, without reservation. Compare the situation in a secret A like this.....and you'll see many of the reasons I am so anti-affair. Just one example...imagine showing up at the hospital and walking into his room unannounced. What look will be on his face and what words on his lips? 3
Author EverySunset Posted March 6, 2014 Author Posted March 6, 2014 Being in the hospital and on IV meds in no way incapacitates a person from using a cellphone. In a normal r/s, there's no question you could call him, check on his health, get answers, go to see him. Even if he were very weak or unconscious, your name and number would be on his wallet card and you'd be called and informed as a matter of course. The emergency responders, nurses etc. would apprise you as a priority. Your visits would be expected and all about being together. Once conscious, he would be waiting for you to walk through that door as the thing he most looked forward to in the world and you can 99%+ guarantee he'd be thrilled to see you, without reservation. Compare the situation in a secret A like this.....and you'll see many of the reasons I am so anti-affair. Just one example...imagine showing up at the hospital and walking into his room unannounced. What look will be on his face and what words on his lips? all good points. All gave me pause when it happened... Pretty hard to ignore. After he was admitted, his phone died, and he went home a couple days later. The silence before I knew what happened was deafening, and it made us both step back and notice. His W only took the kids by to visit and she was icy and complained of the bother the whole time. She grated on a mutual friend so much after it happened he took that visit time to go call and update me. I was glad to know about MM, but wish he hadn't mentioned her visit. Here she was, all irritated they had to bail on plans that weekend to visit him in the hosp, and I would have jumped in the car with coffee and cupcakes in a heartbeat. On the other hand, it may have sped up our timetable. MM was rattled by the experience too, and dissapointed his W had behaved the way she did, especially in front of the kids and his friend. She's always kind of been aloof though... I've been in the same circle if friends with him for many years, so it really isn't anything new but I suppose now its just getting to him. Eye opener.
rumbleseat Posted March 7, 2014 Posted March 7, 2014 all good points. All gave me pause when it happened... Pretty hard to ignore. After he was admitted, his phone died, and he went home a couple days later. The silence before I knew what happened was deafening, and it made us both step back and notice. His W only took the kids by to visit and she was icy and complained of the bother the whole time. She grated on a mutual friend so much after it happened he took that visit time to go call and update me. I was glad to know about MM, but wish he hadn't mentioned her visit. Here she was, all irritated they had to bail on plans that weekend to visit him in the hosp, and I would have jumped in the car with coffee and cupcakes in a heartbeat. On the other hand, it may have sped up our timetable. MM was rattled by the experience too, and dissapointed his W had behaved the way she did, especially in front of the kids and his friend. She's always kind of been aloof though... I've been in the same circle if friends with him for many years, so it really isn't anything new but I suppose now its just getting to him. Eye opener. This may not be what you want to hear, but this man is such a hypocrite. He laments (as you do as well) that his wife is cold and aloof. Yet he is the one having an A , and unless he is one hell of an actor and able to completely hide his feelings for you, he is likely just as bad towards her. I know, I know, she somehow drove him to it. But consider this, at one time, she must have had enough warmth and closeness to her that he asked her to marry him. She must have had some redeeming features, yet now she is cold and aloof. Why is that? How did that happen? I'm not saying that d is a bad thing from them. It likely is the best move for both. The problem I have is the idea that she is somehow making him who he has become. A liar and a thief of her time and affection. Those are not because of her, they are within him, and should the two of you get together full time, they will not simply go away because you and he want them to. Counselling for the two of you should be a top priority. It will help him to learn better ways of behaving, and will help to give you peace of mind. Btw, most hospital rooms have phones in them. He could have called if he really wanted to. He could have asked his friend to call, but, unless I am misunderstanding this, his friend only called because he was ticked at mm's W for being " grating". Like I said, you don't know how he's been treating her lately. Maybe she was grating because he's been an absolute ass to her lately. 1
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