maestrok Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 OK. I hate how I keep posting here recently (which means I am clueless) but I found all your help tremendously helpful so thanks in advance.. So things are going well with this guy that I just started dating. He is a great person, responsible, etc. But while talking to him, I have learnt 2 things: (1) He is friends with most of his exes. He said no feelings at all. But I am really bothered by this. I am not paranoid or insecure but it does pretty annoy me as I never understand the whole friend-with-ex idea. Also (2) He has kissed a number of people that I know. He told me he doesn't talk to them anymore, but it still kind of bothers me (altho much less so than the first point above). I have not met someone I liked this much in a long time and I have opened up a lot quite fast to him. But as much as I want things to work out with him, I don't know how I should resolve these issues. I really need some insight on these matters please.
Gaeta Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 (1) He is friends with most of his exes. He said no feelings at all. But I am really bothered by this. I am not paranoid or insecure but it does pretty annoy me as I never understand the whole friend-with-ex idea. If he is acting like these exes are only friends and nothing improper is said or done between them then there is no reasons to be annoyed by it. It's not because you don't understand something that it makes it wrong or improper. A lot of people are capable of remaining friends with exes depending of their history together. Also (2) He has kissed a number of people that I know. He told me he doesn't talk to them anymore, but it still kind of bothers me (altho much less so than the first point above). This is another version of 'how many sexual partners you've had'. How come you know who he kisses? Did you ask? why? Don't ask questions you cannot handle the answer. The important thing is how he treats you and he respects your relationship. SO he kissed a number of girls, he kissed them already, curiosity is gone. I much prefer a man that did all his flirting and dragging before meeting me, it's out of the way, he won't be tempted to experience it while he's with me.
Author maestrok Posted March 1, 2014 Author Posted March 1, 2014 If he is acting like these exes are only friends and nothing improper is said or done between them then there is no reasons to be annoyed by it. It's not because you don't understand something that it makes it wrong or improper. A lot of people are capable of remaining friends with exes depending of their history together. But I would have no way of knowing if they are doing or saying something improper. I am not saying staying as friends with exes is wrong. But I just don't see a compelling reason to keep them around. Also it seems like he hangs out with them from time to time in an 1-on-1 setting or in a small group. That I think is not proper at all. This is another version of 'how many sexual partners you've had'. How come you know who he kisses? Did you ask? why? Don't ask questions you cannot handle the answer. The important thing is how he treats you and he respects your relationship. SO he kissed a number of girls, he kissed them already, curiosity is gone. I much prefer a man that did all his flirting and dragging before meeting me, it's out of the way, he won't be tempted to experience it while he's with me. I didn't ask specifically who at first. I simply asked if he has dated anyone among people we both know. The fact that he would make out with people even when he is not dating them is not necessarily a good sign tho... right?
JungleLover Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 In general, us guys are not friends with are exes. You can have a situation where a guy may be a friend with an ex but once that becomes plural, watch out.
isisisweeping Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 (1) He is friends with most of his exes. He said no feelings at all. But I am really bothered by this. I am not paranoid or insecure but it does pretty annoy me as I never understand the whole friend-with-ex idea. . I think it means he wasn't such a jerk that no one wants him around anymore. I think it's positive. 1
Author maestrok Posted March 1, 2014 Author Posted March 1, 2014 I think it means he wasn't such a jerk that no one wants him around anymore. I think it's positive. I guess it also means he is not good at saying no to people.
FitChick Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 I guess you'll both have to move hundreds of miles away.
lino Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 IMO this isn't appropriate and I wouldn't put up with it. But, going by your post, you are really into this guy so nice guys should take note. A guy surrounded by exes, who could be likely to do something with them while one on one and not really respecting his current partners boundaries, is highly valued. The loyal and respectful guy... Not so much.
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