Eggplant Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 I'm in grad school. I practically live in the library -- it's the place I get my work done. One guy in several of my classes (that he chose because I was in) has glued himself to me in the library. Whenever he sees me, he invites himself to study together with me. Sits down next to me. And it's very distracting. I need utter alone time to work, while he is constantly LOOKING at me. Eyes that are looking at you are distracting. I don't want to socialize. He told me he loves me. I told him in no uncertain terms that I didn't feel that way and never would. I made the mistake of giving him my number a long time ago for a study group. Now he texts me, asking me where I am and when I will come to the library. This is NOT fair game. I actually WILL come to the library, but I do not go to the library to study with him. If you want to socialize with a person, invite them elsewhere some time on the weekend. But here, I can't say I'm not coming, because I am coming. It's my place of work. Or maybe not anymore. Maybe I'll be forced to find somewhere else, even though I benefit from the resources and quiet and studying is what it's for. What do I do?
somedude81 Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 What do I do? Tell him "I am not interested. Please leave me alone." If he continues to want to be with you, tell him that you will talk to campus police. 1
jcm101 Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 I've heard people say library is great way too meet, especially in college, but I don't see it UNLESS you realize she's studying same thing as you or she gives you signs of interest. Of course you can go by the motto, "What do I have to lose?", but many girls are actually in there to get work done.
nomadic_butterfly Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 What do I do? Tell him what you told us. You'd be amazed at what simple, old fashioned communication can do :-) 2
topaMAXX Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 When I was in college, I got tons of dates from hitting on girls in the library. Sounds like the guy in this case needs to focus on other girls because not every girl will be receptive to these kinds of advances, of course. 1
acrosstheuniverse Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 You say 'hey! Nice to see you working hard too. I need some solitude to focus on this piece of work, so I'll catch you later, enjoy your day!' and then if he doesn't leave you, you gather up your things and move to a different spot. He'll get the picture. Or wear headphones and listen to music, it's a clear sign that you're not interested in conversation. 1
newmoon Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 if you've already told him 'no' or 'not interested' then he's harassing you and you have every right to call campus police or even talk with the staff at the library about him and how he makes you uncomfortable. suggestions: change up your routine for at least a few weeks - study in your room in a park, at a local library, etc. so he doesn't see you there on such a regular basis ; change where you sit when you do go there - maybe sit in front of employees and their reference/information desks so you feel like you have people looking out for you ; perhaps ask a friend (a male one) to come sit with you a few times to deter his behavior 1
Author Eggplant Posted March 1, 2014 Author Posted March 1, 2014 if he doesn't leave you, you gather up your things and move to a different spot. He'll get the picture. Or wear headphones and listen to music, it's a clear sign that you're not interested in conversation.I already do both of these things.
Author Eggplant Posted March 1, 2014 Author Posted March 1, 2014 Tell him what you told us. You'd be amazed at what simple, old fashioned communication can do :-)I consider I've already had that conversation, and I hate having it. Plus, this guy chose the same adviser as I (coincidence?) so I may be working in a research group with him. I want to be direct, but I want to get along. But yeah, I think the next line is: "I study best alone. Don't take this the wrong way."
Author Eggplant Posted March 1, 2014 Author Posted March 1, 2014 I've heard people say library is great way too meet, especially in college, but I don't see it UNLESS you realize she's studying same thing as you or she gives you signs of interest. Of course you can go by the motto, "What do I have to lose?", but many girls are actually in there to get work done.It might be a great way to MEET. Particularly if they're coming or going, and not in the process of studying. But then you invite the person out to another non-library location, on the weekend, when they don't have work to do, if they're interested.
Author Eggplant Posted March 1, 2014 Author Posted March 1, 2014 When I was in college, I got tons of dates from hitting on girls in the library. Sounds like the guy in this case needs to focus on other girls because not every girl will be receptive to these kinds of advances, of course.It's fine to hit on a girl or guy once, in a library, when she or he is not clearly preoccupied. It's not fine to continue to invade her or his work space afterward.
FitChick Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Now he texts me, asking me where I am and when I will come to the library. I can't say I'm not coming, because I am coming. Yes, you can lie -- say you are not going to the library but instead going to the mall, hiking with a friend, going to the hairdresser, etc. Then go to the library. If he sees you say, "Change of plans." Keep lying to him. Pretend to be excited about some event out of town that he might like, talk about going and then maybe he will go. Don't expressly invite him, though. Then you can go to the library. Again, "Change of plans." Be inconsistent. Sometimes say you will be at the library at a certain time and don't go. "Change of plans."
topaMAXX Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 It's fine to hit on a girl or guy once, in a library, when she or he is not clearly preoccupied. It's not fine to continue to invade her or his work space afterward. Sounds like the guy might just be socially awkward and may have a hard time picking up on cues (even ones that would seem obvious to most people). I would just be direct with him if I were you. The sooner the better, as he will probably respond worse and worse as he gets more emotionally invested.
somedude81 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 So you either liked and or replied to every single post except for mine. Are you that against conflict that you can't even think about doing what I suggested?
acrosstheuniverse Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I already do both of these things. And... what happens? If he persists in trying to speak to you when you've already told him you need to study along I don't see any choice but to be direct. 'Sorry, I'm going to go study somewhere else. I can't concentrate with friends around. Speak later' I can't study with friends, at all. I just can't focus.
A3sthetics Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Put a picture of beiber on your notebook and tell him you want to marry the biebs, and do it everytime he shows up.
Author Eggplant Posted March 2, 2014 Author Posted March 2, 2014 So you either liked and or replied to every single post except for mine. Are you that against conflict that you can't even think about doing what I suggested?I will do the first thing you suggested. The police at this point is too drastic. If I tell him I need to study alone, I think he will listen.
Noproblem Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I feel you, this is such an annoying situation and it's really not fair I mean it's hard a enough to have a sticker, let alone trying to study and the sticker is next to you!
somedude81 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Yes, telling him that you would talk to campus police is very drastic. Some guys have a very hard time understanding a no and you need to spell it out for them. So yes, the first thing you can say to him is that you can only study alone. If he doesn't get the hint and wants to see you outside of the library then you may need to tell him that you aren't interested. If he still doesn't get the hint, that's when you tell him that you are going to talk to campus police. It's your last resort that you should not be afraid to use. They are there for your protection. 1
antonio1149 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 I already do both of these things. You've already gotten a lot of good advice--another thing to keep in mind: You can be firm without being mean. There's nothing wrong with establishing boundaries and being insistent about it. TopaMAXX is right, he might just be socially inept and bad at picking up cues. But it should be noted--there are also certain kinds of guys who have sort of a user car salesman mentality and see a "no" as a temporary obstacle they just have to keep overcoming on the way to "yes." I don't know which type this guy might be, but different types require different tactics.
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