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Posted

I've been attracted to this married woman. She can't help being attractive and I can't help being attracted to her. But that's as far as it goes. Im sure that the only reason I find her attractive is because she's out of my circle of friends. Sort that out and those seedy sort of feelings go away.

 

I've been able to manage this attraction, hoping for the best but at the end of the day knowing she's married, nothing to see, move along.

 

I think she's picked up on this though, and has started acting flustered and avoidant around me.

 

Forget what that means (as I have that topic covered elsewhere).

 

I want to avoid the white elephant in the room. I would really just like to be friends with her. But if Im avoiding her and she's avoiding me, that's never going to happen and things are going to get even more awkward. I just see it as the white elephant in the room that's going to explode.

 

But much of the advice on the internet seems to suggest keeping it that way.

 

I like to think, we're both adults, why not talk about it? My intentions are honest. I have this romantic idea that we'll talk about it, discuss it, laugh about it, deal with the issues, start conversing more humanly about it, joke about it, feelings will subside, friendship will increase, we're not trying to work out what each other is thinking. What's wrong with that?

Posted

My intuition is that you're not really being honest here, either with yourself, or the forum, or whatever. But whatever dude, you're going to have to deal with that on your own.

 

Confessions of love are dumb. They generally won't do anything positive, and have a high likelihood to screw things. Do yourself a favor, and get a trusted friend to promise to kick you in the groin if you tell her any such nonsense.

 

You need to decide to do one of the following:

1. Nothing. Avoid all of the flirty stuff, and romantic stuff, and salvage the friendship, and don't bring up your dumb infatuation any more.

2. Wait. Same as #1, but keep your options open. Don't do anything dumb in the interim. This is actually not a great plan if you have issues with being honest with yourself about your chances, but whatever.

3. Take action. You have some options here. My understanding of the forum rules is that cheating is frowned upon, or something like that, outside of the subforum for it. But if you think there's something going on here that's so important that you're willing to screw up everyone's lives for it, then you need to make difficult adult decisions. Obviously, you need to make peace with the fact that anything you do probably won't work.

Posted

IF you care for this married woman, here is a very good reason NOT to profess your "love":

 

By doing so you are putting HER into a very difficult position. That is unfair.

  • Like 2
Posted

What value is talking about it going to be towards becoming friends? You are opening the door and trying to gauge her interest. Let's call a spade a spade.

 

If you want to just be friends then focus on that yourself and make your actions and boundaries indicate it. If you can't then distance yourself.

 

But you are lying to yourself on what you are saying here and what you really want.

  • Like 5
Posted

Because it's your problem, not hers. By telling her, you're making it her problem, and forcing her to deal with something she has no interest in dealing with.

  • Like 3
Posted

You figured out the one way to make that awkward of a situation even awkwarder. If that's even a word.

Posted

Being around her, being friends is only going to feed your attraction to her and also give you more feelings.

 

DO NOT tell her. She's married and NO good can come of this. Honest or not, it's crossing a line and it's pointless to open up that door.

 

Distance yourself from her, detach and hopefully out of sight/out of mind will rid of your attraction to her.

  • Like 1
Posted
I like to think, we're both adults, why not talk about it? My intentions are honest. I have this romantic idea that we'll talk about it, discuss it, laugh about it, deal with the issues, start conversing more humanly about it, joke about it, feelings will subside, friendship will increase, we're not trying to work out what each other is thinking. What's wrong with that?

 

You really don't see the problem here (aka you)?

 

You've got a little fantasy going on. Life doesn't work that way. It makes people really uncomfortable to be put in a position like that. Hey, go ahead and tell her if you really want to, but chances are, she's gonna be PISSED at you for telling her and she'll want nothing to do with you. You KNOW she's married, so opening up to her is totally disrespecting her and her marriage/husband.

Posted
I would really just like to be friends with her.

Rule #1 - You CANNOT be "friends" with someone where there is a sexual attraction. Can.Not.Happen.

 

My intentions are honest.

Bullsh*t.

 

I have this romantic idea...

Yep. It is a romantic idea. One that can never end well.

 

feelings will subside

This is the point. The feelings don't subside once they have been revealed. This is how affairs get started.

 

friendship will increase

Wrong. Can't happen.

 

What's wrong with that?

You have already said what is wrong with it = it is a romantic idea that is 100% unrealistic.

  • Like 3
Posted

OP...what you have is "lust" for this married woman. I mean apart from her "attractiveness", what other attributes does she have that you can't find elsewhere?

 

Say your crush comes true and you bed this woman, then what after that.....have you thought about other aspects of her life that might not be something you want...i.e. does she have kids, full of drama etc?

Posted

Your feelings are your own problem. To burden this woman with them would be disrespectful of her boundaries.

Posted (edited)
I've been attracted to this married woman. She can't help being attractive and I can't help being attracted to her. But that's as far as it goes. Im sure that the only reason I find her attractive is because she's out of my circle of friends. Sort that out and those seedy sort of feelings go away.

 

I've been able to manage this attraction, hoping for the best but at the end of the day knowing she's married, nothing to see, move along.

 

I think she's picked up on this though, and has started acting flustered and avoidant around me.

 

Forget what that means (as I have that topic covered elsewhere).

 

I want to avoid the white elephant in the room. I would really just like to be friends with her. But if Im avoiding her and she's avoiding me, that's never going to happen and things are going to get even more awkward. I just see it as the white elephant in the room that's going to explode.

 

But much of the advice on the internet seems to suggest keeping it that way.

 

I like to think, we're both adults, why not talk about it? My intentions are honest. I have this romantic idea that we'll talk about it, discuss it, laugh about it, deal with the issues, start conversing more humanly about it, joke about it, feelings will subside, friendship will increase, we're not trying to work out what each other is thinking. What's wrong with that?

 

Everything.

 

This speech sounds like precisely the very unconvincing speech people give when they're about to embark upon something that they themselves know makes no sense and they're not even delusional enough to be convincing.

 

Look: trying to be "friends" with a married woman you find attractive isn't a good plan, certainly not for her. Your romantic idea isn't realistic. As a married woman if I felt you liked me I would NOT go ahead and open up a "friendship." I also would avoid it to be on the up and up esp if there was potential for it to be reciprocated.

 

Feelings will NOT subside most likely for you and she may develop them and before you know it you guys cross the line. I would leave it alone. If a friendship is meant to occur it will and will probably be authentic only when you don't actually like her anymore.

Edited by MissBee
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