mirage12 Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Ex and I broke up a little over three months ago. I haven't seen her since and we have been mostly NC for maybe a month. We are on friendly terms. I'm moving to a new city in 2.5 weeks. My ex and I had talked after the breakup about meeting up for drinks but it just never happened. I would like to reach out to her one more time, to see her/grab that drink. Normally I wouldn't do this because I know how it opens up old wounds but this situation is more unique - I'm leaving town and may now actually never see her again. I'm not worried about her possibly saying no (I'm almost certain she wouldn't), but just wanted to post first to ask for all of your take on this. Thanks!
Simon Phoenix Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Ex and I broke up a little over three months ago. I haven't seen her since and we have been mostly NC for maybe a month. We are on friendly terms. I'm moving to a new city in 2.5 weeks. My ex and I had talked after the breakup about meeting up for drinks but it just never happened. I would like to reach out to her one more time, to see her/grab that drink. Normally I wouldn't do this because I know how it opens up old wounds but this situation is more unique - I'm leaving town and may now actually never see her again. I'm not worried about her possibly saying no (I'm almost certain she wouldn't), but just wanted to post first to ask for all of your take on this. Thanks! No. You keep trying to find exceptions to contact her and you aren't ready for such contact. Keep on keeping on.
kpkballer Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 If you are really leaving town. you need to reach out to her and let her know you are leaving. At least you will know you tried even If she says no.
pickflicker Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 If you are really leaving town. you need to reach out to her and let her know you are leaving. At least you will know you tried even If she says no. No he doesn't. The OP keeps making excuses to justify contacting her. The relationship is over. He needs to stay quiet and get on with his life. 2
Simon Phoenix Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 If you are really leaving town. you need to reach out to her and let her know you are leaving. At least you will know you tried even If she says no. She has facebook, they have mutual friends. She's not his parole officer -- she doesn't need to know that he's leaving the state nor just she control a metal tracking bracelet on his ankle. 2
kpkballer Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 I understand that but sometimes it is the right thing to do. He probably wont ever see her again, he will probably FEEL worse If he doesnt. Some ppl just need that closure.
pickflicker Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 I understand that but sometimes it is the right thing to do. He probably wont ever see her again, he will probably FEEL worse If he doesnt. Some ppl just need that closure. Nothing can be gained it. The closure was her dumping him. 2
aisuru Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Noooo.... What exactly do you hope to gain from seeing her one more time? Are you hopeful she'll beg you to stay? Do not contact her for one last looksie. It won't help you feel better. 1
Simon Phoenix Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 I understand that but sometimes it is the right thing to do. He probably wont ever see her again, he will probably FEEL worse If he doesnt. Some ppl just need that closure. He's not going to get closure dude. Closure comes from within. If anything, meeting with her will confuse the living crap out of him. He already confuses himself on his own without her help; add her to the equation and it's a recipe for disaster. 2
WhiteTan Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 (edited) If you genuinely see her as only a friend, then definitely go say goodbye to her as you would any other buddy of yours before you leave town. If you care about her as more than a friend, then just go. No point in getting caught up in that "more than friends, less than lovers" limbo. You're broken up so there is no obligation either way, even if you are still emotionally attached to the idea of that obligation. Edited March 1, 2014 by WhiteTan 1
lolablue17 Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 (edited) Why not see her? You may have a wonderful special evening. The fact that you are leaving town for good can set free some secret stuff between you two, stuff that could have never been said before, and can only expresed between two which are not going to see each other anymore. Have fun. Edited March 1, 2014 by lolablue17
Author mirage12 Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 I texted her for the first time in weeks last night to tell her. We texted back and forth for two hours. At first she acted shocked/kept asking me questions/saying she couldn't believe it. She kept saying how brave I was to make the move. Then she started acting sad and said how she would miss me a few times. She made some suggestive jokes a few times and we agreed to meet up soon. The convo ended with her giving a good night/sweet dreams, kinda how we talked when we dated. I couldn't sleep all night
herself Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Personally I think it would make you look stronger, moved on, and more confident to leave without saying goodbye. Your already on good terms & she knows your leaving and sees no urgency to see you? Really says it all. Forget her, your off on a cool venture while she is stuck in the same boring town. She will miss you and have to wonder about you now! Imagine how many new dating partners & no more familiar painful remunders of all the places you went with her! A brand new life! Sure you'll miss her but u won't miss her THAT bad! Good LUCK!
BC1980 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Don't see her. Just because you are moving away doesn't mean you won't see her ever again. It's easy to find reasons to justify contact, when does it stop? That's why it's so much easier to just cut it off completely because someone always ends up getting the sh@t deal out of it. 1
Zahara Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Ex and I broke up a little over three months ago. I haven't seen her since and we have been mostly NC for maybe a month. We are on friendly terms. I'm moving to a new city in 2.5 weeks. My ex and I had talked after the breakup about meeting up for drinks but it just never happened. I would like to reach out to her one more time, to see her/grab that drink. Normally I wouldn't do this because I know how it opens up old wounds but this situation is more unique - I'm leaving town and may now actually never see her again. I'm not worried about her possibly saying no (I'm almost certain she wouldn't), but just wanted to post first to ask for all of your take on this. Thanks! How is the situation unique? Most times after a break-up, the reality is that we may never see the ex again, maybe in passing, yes but at the end of the day, it's the past, it's gone. Your life starts to change, you start of a different path and before you know it, indifference sets in and you don't even care if you ever see the ex again. The break-up solidified the very high probability that you will never see each other again, not you moving to another city. So, no nothing unique. You got your closure when she dumped you. You got your closure when she chose to exclude you from her life. That's your closure. Move on from this. 4
jphcbpa Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 you might be back to this town down the road to see friends? If so, then maybe many many months down the road you could revisit this. 1
Chi townD Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I agree. You're not at a point of indifference towards her. You meet up and you'll be asking for a lot of pain and trouble.
Minneloa Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I texted her for the first time in weeks last night to tell her. We texted back and forth for two hours. At first she acted shocked/kept asking me questions/saying she couldn't believe it. She kept saying how brave I was to make the move. Then she started acting sad and said how she would miss me a few times. She made some suggestive jokes a few times and we agreed to meet up soon. The convo ended with her giving a good night/sweet dreams, kinda how we talked when we dated. I couldn't sleep all night If just texting her prevented you from sleep, imagine how much actually seeing her will upset and distract you. Why not step off the emotional roller coaster now and put your energy toward your new adventure instead of focusing on what is dead and past? 2
Author mirage12 Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 Thank you all for your responses. I guess I just wanted to post how the conversation happened because I didn't think either she or I would have that kind of reaction. To all of the posters above, this isn't just an excuse for me to contact her - I'm leaving the city and I don't know if our paths will cross again in life. I'm not looking for closure - I know meetings don't bring that. I'm not looking to try to scheme my way back to her - I really am leaving town. It's over for good because even if there might've been a chance in the future, I won't be there anymore. To the poster above, we did make plans to meet up later this week, it depends on her work schedule between two days. I also don't think she is trying to mess with me before I go, that's not her style. I'm only guessing but maybe things sunk in last night for both of us that we may not see each other again. A lot of you have read my story but this wasn't a BU because of incompatibility or loss of love or some other fundamental relationship problem. It was more of a life/work circumstance that got in the way, but we ended well and maturely. Maybe we stayed on each other's periphery because of the nature of the BU, and now it's real that I'm going to be moving 300 miles away. I know the meetup will hurt and probably reopen old wounds. Do I still love her? Yes. But I'm not looking for any end result or expectation here because in two weeks I'm starting life over again in a new city with new people. Until yesterday, I guess I didn't realize how much losing her had factored into the equation of me wanting to leave/go start over somewhere new. I know that's a highly impulsive, emotional reason to leave. But my one regret in moving will be leaving her behind, even though she left first and even if there was nothing left anyway.
Author mirage12 Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 How is the situation unique? Most times after a break-up, the reality is that we may never see the ex again, maybe in passing, yes but at the end of the day, it's the past, it's gone. Your life starts to change, you start of a different path and before you know it, indifference sets in and you don't even care if you ever see the ex again. The break-up solidified the very high probability that you will never see each other again, not you moving to another city. So, no nothing unique. You got your closure when she dumped you. You got your closure when she chose to exclude you from her life. That's your closure. Move on from this. You're right, unique was the wrong word. This isn't a unique situation. It's just that, given the reason why we broke up, the permanence of it is now more real.
Minneloa Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Ok, so if you are probably never going to see her again, still have feelings for her, and know this meeting will reopen old wounds, what do you hope to gain from seeing her? 1
Author mirage12 Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 Ok, so if you are probably never going to see her again, still have feelings for her, and know this meeting will reopen old wounds, what do you hope to gain from seeing her? It's not what I hope to gain and I know it'll likely hurt. But I just don't want to have regret in the future that I never got to see her, just one more time.
Minneloa Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 It's not what I hope to gain and I know it'll likely hurt. But I just don't want to have regret in the future that I never got to see her, just one more time. In many ways, I understand and sympathize here. You love this girl, and you want to see her again. However, as an outsider who has followed your posts from the beginning, I cringe because it seems that you have never really given yourself the opportunity to heal from the breakup. This meeting will undoubtedly set you back emotionally, but I'm pretty sure no one here can talk you out of it at this point. My larger worry is that you will continue to find excuses to stay in contact, and thus keep the wound open, even after you move away. I know that the move is a logistical obstacle to in-person contact, but I also know that you have hesitated for months now to put yourself and your wellbeing first. I hope I am wrong, but I can see this meeting starting a whole new round of false hope and yearning.
Author mirage12 Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 In many ways, I understand and sympathize here. You love this girl, and you want to see her again. However, as an outsider who has followed your posts from the beginning, I cringe because it seems that you have never really given yourself the opportunity to heal from the breakup. This meeting will undoubtedly set you back emotionally, but I'm pretty sure no one here can talk you out of it at this point. My larger worry is that you will continue to find excuses to stay in contact, and thus keep the wound open, even after you move away. I know that the move is a logistical obstacle to in-person contact, but I also know that you have hesitated for months now to put yourself and your wellbeing first. I hope I am wrong, but I can see this meeting starting a whole new round of false hope and yearning. You're right to some degree. For a while I had been holding on to some last shred of hope that our paths would cross again, hope that was kept alive because of the nature of the BU (I've been through other BUs before where I knew for sure we could never work). That hope has slowly faded away in the more recent months. I don't think I will still be reaching out and pining for her when I'm gone. It's my chance to start over again, and hell, it's a lot of the reason why it made the decision to go in the first place. In the new city I'll be forced to start life over again and it will be hard but the logistics thing is true - no more memories of places I've been with her, no more fear of accidentally running into her and even if I miss her...she won't be there anymore.
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