No contact really works!

[rosedl]

It has been six weeks no contact.

 

All I can say is when I finally called out my ex on his 'taking space' and demanded he deal with his issues (severe commitment issues, not the garden variety cold feet, he has done this with every relationship to some degree his entire life). I was sick of taking space and letting his anxiety and fear rule the relationship, so I told him he needed to deal with it. Well, that ended taking space. He completely broke up with me, thank god! Limbo is a horrible state. Being kept on a string and dangled along until he/she gets feels secure enough for the final break, it is awful. Dehumanizing.

 

My ex told me he needed space to deal with the real issues in his life, but every time we talked, he would back track a bit more.

 

The first three weeks of no contact were very difficult. Not because I really wanted to contact him. It was because it was final and I was grieving. But, around week three, it started to turn....now at week six...I look back and see much more clearly how I was constantly trying to earn a place in his life while he pushed and pulled in whatever direction suited him.

 

I think I finally truly saw him for how manipulative and dishonest he was during the relationship and I realize that he was keeping score and being deceptive even during times I thought we were doing well. It was if everything he was doing was a concession to get me, and when he had me and tired of it, he threw me away. He did this twice. The first time we broke up, he was just as crumby as this time. But, when he came back, he seemed to have so much insight and sincere remorse (and never having been in a relationship with a commitment phobic person didn't realize this is classic to the pattern). I took it as real. Then, five good months. Then, he did the same thing all over again. Distance is allowing me to see that he is not who I thought and worse, this wasn't something that just innocently happened. It was contrived.

 

It was this realization that allowed me to understand that I was pining over a person who did not fully exist. There was always an agenda of control and the need to be able to distance and exit at his whim.

 

We have actually not been together in any real way since the first week in November. We had two or three really emotional talks after that...the final breakup wasn't in person. Text and email. He was just as Mr Hyde as he was the first break up.

 

I honestly loved this man and wanted to spend my life with him. Right now, I am more upset that I could be so blind and invest so much emotion into someone who doesn't seem to have the capacity to reciprocate it then I am missing him. I think this is mainly due to the fact that I really don't know who I am really missing. I don't know where sincerity begins and deception ends.

 

Not speaking to him ended the pointless back and forth dialogue. I am currently talking with a wonderful woman who is in the same position I was a few weeks back, but she is still hanging on and she is still struggling in that horrible limbo of hell.

 

Leaving and no contact. It isn't easy, especially in the beginning. But, I feel 50x better then I did six weeks ago when I was still futility trying to reengage him. The last thing I said to him was that I realized it was totally inappropriate to share my emotions with him any longer and I will leave him be. I have...I will. The really wonderful thing is I don't want to contact right now. I don't know if that is 100% solid, or not. But, the direction is really hopeful.

 

Don't torture self with the what ifs...obsessing.....I know easier said then done. Just feel it.

 

I know I am not completely healed yet because I still have bouts of anger about it, but they are not constant nor all encompassing. And, after being left twice and jerked around by him, anger is a healthy reaction and far better then my usual reaction of stuffing it into myself and becoming depressed. I think about him much, much less as well.

 

It is coming along. It was really hard at first. Hard to be the one who finalized the break up by refusing to wait around to go to couple's therapy after five months of space. Hard to stand up to him and put his behavior back on him when I knew very well it could cost the relationship. Hard to not blame myself for not being patient. Hard to let go.

 

Not so hard anymore.

 

Hang in there everyone. I was despondent over this from October to January. It lifts even if it feels like it wont. Be true to yourself and it will turn eventually.

[jphcbpa]

 

Right now, I am more upset that I could be so blind and invest so much emotion into someone who doesn't seem to have the capacity to reciprocate it then I am missing him. I think this is mainly due to the fact that I really don't know who I am really missing. I don't know where sincerity begins and deception ends.

 

This is the hardest part. It plays with your mind. Get the book "He's Scared, She's Scared". It is not your fault. You did not cause it and you cannot cure it.

[Lifegoezon]

Inspiring story. More proof, if it were needed, that NC really does the job on so many levels.