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So dumpees, why don't we take a hammer to that pedestal and knock it down

Musing

By Musing
in Breaks and Breaking Up

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Musing Established Member

Musing

Posted
Posted

I feel like a thread like this might have been made already, but I don't believe I've seen one lately (if there is one, apologies) but I figured I'd make my own.

 

Many people who come on this or any other site in regards to relationships are swimming in a sea of their own tears over their ex. What we all know and don't really think about when a breakup happens is how human they are. They are not immortal God(esse)s, they are people who have flaws, baggage, bad habits and nasty attitudes from time to time.

They smell bad when they don't shower, they have people who probably do not like them, and they themselves have been the object of rejection.

 

But as a dumpee, you really don't see that, do you? Of course not. You loved this person and they meant everything to you. And then they had the power to destroy you (from your own perception upon being dumped) so they must have it all, right?

 

We tend to idolize fresh ex's. Probably even more than we did when we first started dating them. Because now we can't have them.

You get dumped and automatically it makes them almost, more attractive. They must have all these people after them now that they are single. They are just simply flawless right? That's why we cry over them so much, isn't it?

 

Usually when we take down that pedestal we see our exs for who they truly are and our healing begins. For many, this shows through anger. But it varies.

 

I have found that writing about my ex's flaws and putting them in front of my face on this screen has helped me a lot. Especially when talking on here or to friends. It makes it real and makes me realize how much I settled.

 

Keeping it as clean and cordial for other posters' sakes, list anything about your ex that you do not like.

It can be habits, hobbies, how he/she treated you or your loved ones, how they left you, how they dressed, their music, how they looked, what they did for a living...anything.

 

This is not a "Hate the dumper/your ex" thread. Just as they have bad traits, they have good. They are not evil simply because they left you, just as they are not amazing God-like beings. They just have something else in mind in terms of dating/their future. There is no crime in this.

 

This thread is a tool for you to get it all out and for you to show yourself why being with your ex is not the best for you. There are always "dealbreakers" lurking in the shadows of most relationships that we tend to gloss over. Now is the time to face those.

 

It can be in lists. You can use it as a dialog and yell at them. It can be a poem. It can be funny or serious. Whatever you choose.

All of that being said, what is the deal with your ex?

 

I'll throw one out there to get the ball rolling:

 

His taste in music was awful. The songs he listened to were garbage and I am so happy I don't have to subject myself to such torture anymore.

  • Like 2
somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

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I really wish I could think of some deal breakers about my ex.

 

The only thing that I can think of is that she tended to be stubborn and not want to do something when her mind was made up. That is the only "flaw" of hers that comes to mind.

Strength in Healing Established Member

Strength in Healing

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The last time I ever spoke to my ex, I DID knock her pedastool down. It got all bad real fast. I called her out on all her lies and called her a pathological liar. I said she was an illusion, and finally I see her for the real her. I told her I will remember her as a pathological liar, and I can't wait until the guy she started "talking" to immediately after we broke up, sees who she really is. And I made sure she remembers he is a 2 time felon loser in his 30s, 11 years older than her. I was like SCORE... really.

 

Owned. Never broke NC from that night.

Rizzlekicks New Member

Rizzlekicks

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He doesn't have a pedestal, only a high horse. He really likes to degrade me and put me down, telling me i'm not attractive when he has unrealistic standards in beauty. How come everyone finds me attractive but him? My friends told me that i am so beautiful and that he is not that great of a person even. It made me pull away from him and want to find someone who appreciates me. It's not cheating. It's leaving the relationship to find someone better, inside and out.

 

Hope he finds "standard" he is looking for. I'm glad an extremely hot guy finds me attractive. I think he says it because he hates himself or something. When he used to hurt me, his pedestal was automatically broken and i looked at him and thought, "What an awful guy...I need to get out"

 

When he is angry, he says the most critical, cruelest things ever. I think I'm scared of this awful guy. I have nightmares of him coming to see me and trying to use me. I'm terrified to even be around him. I get really tense when I am and I freeze up. My mouth also becomes dry. He is very vengeful and I'm horrified of him. He used to release his own inner anger out on me in various ways by hurting me. I was his punching bag. I walked around my life not even realizing I was damaged by this guy. His friend once wrote "She'll remember it for the rest of her life". Even his own friends had some sympathy at least.

 

Worst part is, he never once apologized to me. Ever. I don't think he'll ever have the guts to.

Edited by Rizzlekicks
forgetmenot75 Established Member

forgetmenot75

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He was (is) a total loser. Forty something and still trying to hook up with every possible woman. He spends his days online, mostly on adult friend finder, chatting with women and having sex with them.

He bitches about his ex, he bitches about every possible woman.

He has achieved NOTHING in his life, but what do I care?

LOSER. He uses the women and he is always looking for validation because his self esteem is low. And he is happy turning women down, because he thinks he is irresistible and better than most.

 

I want to yell at you: LOSER!!!!

Tulipsgold Member

Tulipsgold

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He wasn't a loser, far from it. He was the nicest guy I've ever met, and it will probably stay that way for a long while. I loved how he dressed, his hobbies were always so interesting, he was funny in his own little way, he was very smart... Although sometimes even too smart, to the point where it got a bit boring. And although his clothes were great he didn't have alot cause he always would buy very expensive gear. And although he could make me laugh, in general he was a far more serious person than I am. Eventhough his hobbies were great, he would always talk about it because it was also his work and he was a serious workaholic. Eventually getting to the point where he would work 7 days a week. And eventually somewhere near our end, whenever we'd spend time together he would still be working. Which made ME feel like a loser and very obsolete. So...we ended things

guest572 Established Member

guest572

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Bit arrogant and pretentious at times

  • Like 1
Lifegoezon Established Member

Lifegoezon

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I've done this exercise in my break up journal. It really helps but putting it here too might help me avoid making excuses for him in the future.

 

No backbone. He never acknowledged our relationship. Keeping it mostly secret from his circle. (I am much older than him) but happy to be 'out' in mine.

 

Poor communicator. If something bothering him would not try to discuss and if challenged would literally walk away. Took these issues to a Yahoo answers forum instead.

 

Much less interested in my sexual satisfaction than his own. (Sorry if that's tmi)

 

Monopolized my tv with programmes I wasn't interested in.

 

Bored me with his fixation on his workout routines and making his body fit some ideal image.

 

No opinions on anything topical. Superficial. Correspondingly sexist, misogynistic, homophobic etc.

 

What did I see in him?

Edited by Lifegoezon
LostConfused123 Established Member

LostConfused123

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Self centered and selfish.

Oh and big fat liar.

 

TIMBEEEEEEEER!!!!!! :D

  • Like 2
Lifegoezon Established Member

Lifegoezon

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Oh yes big fat liar. Forgot that one. Had accounts on multiple skanky hook up sites as well as regular dating sites while we were together! Lol. How did I forget that one?!

Weallwalkthelongroad Established Member

Weallwalkthelongroad

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She was self absorbed in her career and feels like she was above me because she worked hard to get where she is.

 

She held things in instead of discussing them.

 

She could not and still won't take responsibility for any of her actions in our short relationship crumbling. She said we could text every now and then and would see each other once a week, but would lash out at me any time I tried to contact her or ask her to get together. She even lashed out as me when I asked that we try to talk things out.

 

To make a long story short, she sucked at communication and basically thought her s**t didn't stink.

  • Like 1
WYSWYG Established Member

WYSWYG

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My ex:

 

* had illusions of grandeur - thought she was the best in the things she did.

* was very competitive.

* always thinks she's prettier.

* feels entitled.

* dresses a bit gaudy.

* uses google on her phone to let people know how smart she is.

* germophobe.

* secretive and lied to me & her friends.

* exaggerated and would brag about her average skills.

Edited by WYSWYG
ithappenedagain Established Member

ithappenedagain

Posted
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Nice post Musing.

 

This goes out to all of the ''dumpees'' on here.. I am speaking for myself here, but I bet a few of you will get a little chuckle out of this...

 

How many times when we were with the ''love of our lives'' did you see an attractive girl (or man) and think to yourself ''I WOULD LOVE TO HIT THAT!!!"

 

On top of that, when you were fighting with your ex, how many times did you secretly wish you were with someone who wasn't a drama queen but didn't have the balls to end things, when things should have been ended?!?

 

Well guess what.... It's fair game now!! ;)

guest572 Established Member

guest572

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How many times when we were with the ''love of our lives'' did you see an attractive girl (or man) and think to yourself ''I WOULD LOVE TO HIT THAT!!!"

 

I never had :( I was completely happy and didnt want anyone else and still dont!

  • Like 1
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Musing Established Member

Musing

Posted
  • Author
Posted (edited)

Good stuff here, guys.

It is amazing the things we will gloss over when we are with someone.

I find I do this because A) I feel I don't deserve more B) I assume they will change or grow up at some point and C) These small "turn offs" started as simple inconveniences that piled up over time.

AAannnnd then there is D) I did not want to admit that I was wrong in my judgement of them being perfect, so deny deny deny.

 

 

I will add another to my list:

 

He put everything before me. I tolerated it because he wasn't treating me "bad".

Even though I cried almost every night the last 4 months because I felt so unappreciated by the guy I felt so strongly for. I felt lonelier in a relationship than I did single.

Edited by Musing
somedude81 Established Member

somedude81

Posted
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She liked to play Candy Crush. Which meant she was evil.

 

One time she ruined breakfast by adding way too much salt to my eggs.

 

She didn't like giving oral. She actually was pretty passive in bed (at least compared to girls in porn which I know isn't a realistic comparison)

Allumere Established Member

Allumere

Posted
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In regards to personality, appearance, habits, intelligence, humor...no complaints at all. Compatibility was high and I always simply felt better or more at peace when he was around. The ding comes from not understanding what he wanted and not communicating better that he was seeing a road block.

4everalones Established Member

4everalones

Posted
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It's funny how most people here thinks that their ex is a "pathetic loser". I mean, come on. If you thought so, why did you date them in the first place? why was it hard for you to move on after the breakup? We are all humans with good and bad sides, we all make mistakes, and we all learn from them.

 

My ex was generally a good person. He was very very nice and perhaps the sweetest man I will ever meet in my life. Ironically, it's this very character that made him break up with me. He was very emotional and was very easily affected by his surrounding. So when we both faced problems in our careers at the same time, and he knew that I will have to go back to my home country, he freaked out, distanced himself, and eventually broke up with me.

 

I am still devastated and broken over the end of this relationship. His was weak, immature, and a bit of a coward. He handled the breakup very badly and didn't admit the real reasons behind it. But still, I wouldn't say he was a pathetic loser all the time ;)

  • Like 2
wergotproblems Member

wergotproblems

Posted
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She couldn't control her alcohol.

 

She was generally too needy (i had to drive 8 hours to go pick her up before)

 

She was too flirty with everyone (even though she would never admit it)

 

She was a compulsive liar (and a good one at that i'll admit)

 

She acted on things without thinking.

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