upsetnhurt Posted January 23, 2005 Posted January 23, 2005 My recent ex girlfriend of a year could not get over the guilt/feelings she had over the ending of her previous relationship of four years. She had broken up with him to be with me and he has since fallen into a major depression for which she takes responsibility for. Over the past year she just does not seem to be able to let go and be free with her feelings. Not to say that she would not indicate that she wanted to make us work, yet she always seemed to get down for no apparent reason and progressively found more than enough silly reasons to cause arguements between ourselves. We finally sat down and she explained that she just is not over her past and that although she thinks I am her "ideal" partner it is not fair to me to have someone who can't let go and be free. Problem that I have is that I am in love with her and can't seem to move on. I do not understand what "not over her past means"........Additionally, we seem to have fallen into the NC for a month and I am chomping at the bit to initiate contact just to let her know I still care and to find out how she is. Is that advisable? I want for both of us to be happy in the end, regardless of whether we are together, and don't know if making that call will help things. I figure if she wanted to speak to me she would simply call me, am I correct?
alphamale Posted January 23, 2005 Posted January 23, 2005 Originally posted by upsetnhurt I do not understand what "not over her past means"........Additionally, we seem to have fallen into the NC for a month what this means UPSETNHURT is that she still harbours feelings for the dude before you.... sorry for not putting any sugar-coating on it but that is the truth.
Author upsetnhurt Posted January 23, 2005 Author Posted January 23, 2005 Alpha.... I understand that thanks. Are you presuming those are feelings of love or of something else, say guilt? Or does it even matter? Can someone make good with someone new if they have any feelings for their past to the extent that it affects them the way it did to my recent ex?
Broken3112 Posted January 23, 2005 Posted January 23, 2005 I think it might be guilt or even other feelings, but she wants it to be guilt, so it feels like guilt. My ex cheated on me and eventually left me for the guy. Her mom told me that now (two weeks after) she thinks about what she did to me while at work, and feels like crying. I myself would like to know if it is guilt or something else. What I can tell you is that she left me because this guy became her shoulder to cry on. As hard for me to put you in the shoes of the guy she left me for, maybe you should try to be the shoulder to cry on too.
imokurnot Posted January 24, 2005 Posted January 24, 2005 Hard for me to put myself in your shoes becausse she left me for a guy she is now with. I know one thing, I will never get involved with someone coming out of a long term relationship (mine 7 yrs). My ex is over twice a week and I am sure he has no idea. We just hug and talk but still. Actually, lately she has been kissing me so it is getting more physical every time she stops by. I know this doesn't help you at all, I think Broken has the right idea. If you love her I don't know that NC is the right strategy to let her know that. Be the shoulder or whatever she needs and be understanding (something I am having a hard time being), Let her know you care and are there for her. Good luck!
moon Posted January 25, 2005 Posted January 25, 2005 Upsetnhurt, I realize you are probably very hurt and upset right now. I realize that and understand it. But did you really think it was going to be all smooth sailing? She broke up with her long term boyfriend for you. She ended her previous relationship for you with out giving herself anytime to grieve. She obviously caused her ex a lot of pain. So now you want to know why the relationship didn't work between you two. I know this is hurting you a lot, but please let this be a lesson to you. You came between another relationship. You must know that. So here comes the reality. She's not over her ex, you were a rebound. Sorry to say it. I don't know what you can do now. You can wait and see if she comes back. But she obviously left some unfishished business out there. Next time don't break up relationships. It hurts not only the ex, not only the other person in the relationship...........but in the end YOU. So don't do it. OKAY!!!! Now sit back and think about what you did. That's all I can say. Sorry for you pain...........but did you really think everything was going to work out a-okay????????? live and learn. Frankly, I'm surprised your relationship lasted as long as it did---her last one was a long relationship. No bed hopping allowed. Get some boundaries buddy and find partners who have them too.
sarah12 Posted January 25, 2005 Posted January 25, 2005 upsetnhurt, I have been in your shoes, although I did not break up their relationship, but I came right afterwards, we fell hard for each other, but broke things off because of guilt. I would say that it doesn't matter what the reason is, because the fact of the matter is that you don't want to be a choice in the situation. If she has unfinished business, I know it's hard to let go, and it's taken me a year, believe it or not, but you have to cut your losses and move on as soon as you can. Do not talk to her or call her, just go. In my case, it isn't so easy because we have mutual friends, but if I could do it all over again, I would have cut him off from the beginning. I've got to run now but PM me if you want to talk more, I'll tell you my story.
Hurt Posted January 27, 2005 Posted January 27, 2005 Let her go for now, she needs to resolve her past, if she does not come back, you were going to be hurt, I went thru the same type of thing, I let her go, its been 8 months and its over for us, and believe one thing, time heals all and gives us what we need everyday.
angellarae19 Posted January 27, 2005 Posted January 27, 2005 hey upsetnhurt, i can definitely relate to ur situation. I am actually dealing with one right now. I started dating this guy already knowing that he was in a relatiosnip with someone else. At first, it was just a sexual thing with no intentions to develop a boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. Later on down the line, I eventually started to catch feelings and found out that his girl was 6 months pregnant. Wow! I was so upset but realized that there was nothing I could do. We stopped messing around for a while and she soon had his daughter. less than a month after his daughter was born, he comes running back in my life to let me know how much he missed me and wants to be in my life. right away, I was already like this is some bullS*^t. w/o thinking, i started dating him again. This time w/ the intention of a relationship. I just knew that this time would be a smooth sailer and he was all mines. now, 4 months has past and we are still together but there is definently some excess baggage left. heres the thing, they never actually broke off the relationship. she got mad at him for something as childish as not calling her one night and she stop calling. can u beleive it? now she doesn't let him see his kid. He don't talk about her a lot but when we do, I can see some things in his eyes that are real feelings for her and it makes me feel like i messed something up. I dont even know if i was the actual cause of them breaking up. I dont even think she knew me. All i know is that i really care about him and want things to work between us. My fear is that we wont have a chance at a good relationship because, he hasnt really broken up with his child mother, i know he has strong feelings for her, and i know how much a family really means to him and right now i cant give him that. I want someone to let me know if I should really be here. So UPSETNHURT. ur not alone, sometimes he disappers and dont answer the phone.... i dont know what to think about, IS HE WITH HER, IS HE WORKING...IS THERE A POTENTIAL RELATIONSHIP HERE, OR SHOULD I BREAK IT OFF, GIVE HIM SOME TIME TO GRIEvE AND GET OVER THE FEELINGS OF BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER?.....
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