ying Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Hello there. I recently went on a casual date with someone I met online. We both made it clear we weren't looking for anything serious, talked about sex VERY openly, and he made a lot of comments about how attractive he found me and my body. i told him i would have had sex with him if he didn't seem like such a nice guy, the kind of person i would want to hang out and get to know further. he kept saying that even if i did sleep with him, he would still want to see me again. i told him it wasn't going to happen. We basically said we wanted to hang out, get to know each other, see where it goes...very noncommittal. which is good for me, bc i tend to get attached very easily and then end up getting hurt. As a result, I might have played too many games last night by trying to distance myself. A few highlights: a) i refused to give him my phone number, i told him he'd have to keep up communication with me via our online communications. he said it seemed like i was playing games or hiding something. i insisted i wasn't and I just felt like i didn't know him enough to do that. b) I didn't give him my full name, only my nick name c) He wanted to hang out this weekend, but I don't want to be too available, so I told him I was busy, but I'd love to see him next week. He joked and said I'm probably meeting other guys and I sort of coyly smiled that "he's over thinking it". he mentioned a few times in the date about possible things we could do together sometime (tennis, movie, etc) and that he was bummed he had to wait till next week to see me. d) at the end, he kind of awkwardly hugged me, but i could tell he wanted to kiss me. i flat out told him that he could kiss me. He kissed me, and then when I pulled away, he said he really wanted to kiss me again. I pulled away, and he said "I really want to just one more time...and I want to pick you up and..." and I stopped him short and told him to have a good night and laughed. I then messaged him the next day with a casual joke about how fun last night was, he said he agreed, that it was very fun, and there were many great things about last night and that we should do it again sometime soon. he put a smiley face and wink face somewhere in there. I told him I agree, but he didn't push further to ask me what day of the week I would be available, or try to make concrete plans. So. Someone tell me...he's ONLY looking for some booty, right? He's a very good looking guy and I know he has no trouble pulling women. AND..do you think he seems like he genuinely wants to see me again or it was a heat of the moment kind of thing bc of all the sex talk?
BradJacobs Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 So. Someone tell me...he's ONLY looking for some booty, right? He's a very good looking guy and I know he has no trouble pulling women. AND..do you think he seems like he genuinely wants to see me again or it was a heat of the moment kind of thing bc of all the sex talk? You set this entire thing up as an interview for a sex partner and then pull a 180 and tell the dude that you can't sleep with him because he's bf material when neither of you are looking for bf/gf. Stop playing games and then trying to figure out what he's thinking because you confused him so much. 9
Author ying Posted March 1, 2014 Author Posted March 1, 2014 You set this entire thing up as an interview for a sex partner and then pull a 180 and tell the dude that you can't sleep with him because he's bf material when neither of you are looking for bf/gf. Stop playing games and then trying to figure out what he's thinking because you confused him so much. I think I explained this wrong. We only talked about the sex part AFTER we met in person and started talking about normal things. The sex thing came up half way through the date. I brought it up about 30 minutes in saying that I thought he was looking for a one night stand, and I'm relieved that it's not happening. He seemed shocked that I would be willing to do that. I told him it had always been a fantasy of mine. That's when the comments about how attractive I was, my body, etc came up. and i then cut him short to tell him that i wasn't interested in sleeping with him bc he seemed cool. hope that clarifies.
Phantom888 Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Girl....you are trouble! I have spent all of my single years trying to avoid girls like you. Don't play games. Someday the table is gonna turn when you least expect it. What if you offered casual sex to a guy, and later found out he's perfect for you? How are you gonna undo all the mind games then? 3
BradJacobs Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 We both made it clear we weren't looking for anything serious ^ This + sex talk = casual flings, FWBs, FBs, etc. The other crap you did was game playing as well. But this guy is soo perfect. He's just the kind of guy you can hang around with ... If you were serious about someone you'd have given him your number. Who goes back to online messaging after meeting and kissing in person? What are you? 12? Why the games? If you're too damaged to date then don't eff with some dude's mind playing games to protect yourself. If you're that broken DON'T DATE. 5
Author ying Posted March 1, 2014 Author Posted March 1, 2014 Alright. I'll take it. thank you. you're right. i think part of it was me trying to protect myself and the other part of me trying to figure out what the hell i really want in the first place. so...what now? Let this one go, and get my sh*t together?
HappyLove Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 You are all over the place! Yes, you need to seriously sit down and figure out what it is you want. People aren't meant to be played with! You say one thing and do another. If you act like you're easy that's how you're gonna be treated then you'll be upset because you're not taken seriously. Way too flaky figure it out! Good luck! 3
Ruby Slippers Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 We only talked about the sex part AFTER we met in person and started talking about normal things. The sex thing came up half way through the date. I brought it up about 30 minutes in saying that I thought he was looking for a one night stand, and I'm relieved that it's not happening. So, rather than having a non-sexual first date, you brought up sex with the reasoning that you're scared he only wants a one night stand with you, and you're relieved it's not happening (implying you've done it before, maybe even as a habit). He seemed shocked that I would be willing to do that. I told him it had always been a fantasy of mine. Then you tell him that having a one night stand has always been a fantasy of yours. That's when the comments about how attractive I was, my body, etc came up. So he says, basically, you're attractive enough for me to give you your "fantasy" / worst nightmare, if that's what you want. and i then cut him short to tell him that i wasn't interested in sleeping with him bc he seemed cool. Then why in the hell would you even put that on the table? I don't think you're ready to date. You sound like me about a year and a half ago when I was still pretty cynical, not quite ready for something serious, and went into a relationship looking for my fears to be confirmed. If you continue with this guy, or anyone, I recommend you take things very slow. Fearful times like these are usually when you do stupid things because you have a flippant attitude and aren't expecting things to work out.
truth_seeker Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Wow. You admitted how you played games. Keep it up and you'll never land yourself a good, genuine man.
MrMeh Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 If you just want him for sex then just go for it. If you want something serious then let him be and focus on yourself. Don't let him be a lab rat during your rehabilitating stage.
Leigh 87 Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 He said he wanted to take things slowly and casually, which is guy code for : I am not really feeling it with you enough to want to pursue you seriously or exclusively, but you're attractive enough to have sex with. Are you comfortable being good enough for sex but not for a relationship? Personally, I can't stomach that sort of arrangement at this stage in life, and therefore I refrain from FWB or casual sex. He alluded to casual sex. Scrap that, he downright TOLD YOU that is what he wanted..... 1
Zahara Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 I was mentally exhausted and confused just reading that. OP, figure yourself out before you drag someone into your mess. You stand the possibility of getting hurt or hurting someone else with the game playing. 3
Author ying Posted March 1, 2014 Author Posted March 1, 2014 I appreciate all the honesty here, everyone. You guys don't really hold back, do you. haha. Anyways. This is the conclusion that I've come to. I initially went into this nervously expecting it would be a one night stand, mainly because his profile was filled with sex related material..our "personalities" online also said that he was more sex driven than avg men his age and demographic. So naturally, I expected him to be in it for one thing. I also recently got dumped and told myself that I just want to "date like a man" and just have fun and relax, without getting too attached. So I agreed to go out with him bc I thought I was ready to sleep with a random man I met on the internet. We went out, and after 30 minutes of talking to him I started my super attached mode, but this time, rather than opening up, I closed up and started the "games" we mentioned before. Why did I bring up the one night stand? Because that's what I thought it was. And I was genuinely relieved that's what it didn't end up being. I also came to the conclusion that this forum itself is proof that I can't "date like a man" and just be some kind of serial dater/player. I'm over thinking it already. If this guy contacts me again to hang out, I'll do it, but I'll be more upfront. If he doesn't, he doesn't, and it's not because of me or my game playing as a lot of you are making it seem, but most likely because I'm not going to be as easy as he thought. I agree with the above poster, I still think he's looking for a FWB. And I'm not. I thought I was, but I don't think I ever could. He literally has women throwing himself at him (I can see a lot of comments on his profile), so he has no reason to stick around for someone like me who flip flops. That's okay. In retrospect, it could have actually been a lot worse, and I'm glad he likes me enough to even suggest "seeing me again soon". It means I'm not as totally bat $hit as you guys are (unintentionally) making me feel. 1
HappyLove Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Just be careful that he's not just taking you out in hopes to get sex not because he likes you. I mean you did throw it out there, he may be thinking your easy. 1
Zahara Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 I have a feeling he wants to see you again because he knows he can get the goodies after what transpired in your conversations.
Eggplant Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 OP, you said you get attached easily. For you, casual sex is a bad idea. I think you know that too, and that's why you kind of freaked out. Listen to your anxiety -- it's there for good reason.
Secret Advisor Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 It's not likely that a lasting relationship will come out of this. You didn't play it right. He only wants to see you again to finish off what was started. Don't feel too bad though. A lot of girls play this game. Unsuccessfully, I might add. It provides a challenge for a player. As soon as he gets the prize, he's gone. 1
Noproblem Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 I think you'll end up marrying him Just me predicting the future
Purepony Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 (edited) Lol i love this thread.... ! The OP is obviously lost in space but that's beside the point I like how she is adamant about how the guy is very attractive and she will sleep with him and wanted to but.. if the guy was not her type but was genuine she would be here complaining about how she doesn't feel the attraction and guys just want to sleep with all women.. Seems to me like the OP just wants something to complain about Edited March 1, 2014 by Purepony
Eternal Sunshine Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Keep the sex talk completely off the table unless that's all you want. It's too late now.
StanMusial Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Just be careful that he's not just taking you out in hopes to get sex not because he likes you. I mean you did throw it out there, he may be thinking your easy. I bet this encounter made for some entertaining conversation with his buddies. The crazy girl he's going to try to bang. If you're somewhat sane and self-aware your embarassment should prevent you from seeing him again. 2
Author ying Posted March 1, 2014 Author Posted March 1, 2014 lol. this thread got a little out of control. "OP" here. Update on the situation: i'm in cloud 9. just got back from a lovely afternoon lunch and coffee date with the guy. i contacted him first. I apologized for freaking out on the first date and basically opened up to him about some other things. told him he's someone i would like to get to know, and he asked me for a third date on the spot. he didn't make a physical move on me and didn't bring up the one night stand (THANK GOD), and I didn't either. he also said he "must be doing something right if (i'm) still out with (him)". which i thought was hilarious bc of how much i was freaking out. The only thing that was kind of awkward was the hug/kiss thing again...he seems to hesitate, as though he's nervous. the fact that he's going out with me a third time...maybe it implies he's just as crazy as I? I think i need to learn not to get advice from strangers on the internet. sometimes it's hard to convey connections and human interaction on here. and sometimes things don't always work out one particular way that you might expect them to. the world doesn't fall into perfect order sometimes. lol. thank you for advice/help for those of you who gave me constructive feedback. definitely helped me realize how i needed to fix the situation.
Leigh 87 Posted March 2, 2014 Posted March 2, 2014 Keep the sex talk completely off the table unless that's all you want. It's too late now. It is too late UNLESS the guy somehow falls hard for this girl. In which case if I were him, I would still be very precarious in dating a woman who clearly acted like she wanted to eff a dude she met online and hadn't previously met:sick: Did I mention that; most decent men don't tend to want to bang strangers online upon their first meeting? Although very young men do tend to sleep around more readily and shouldn't be judged for it if they are honest about it. Look, I get it. You wanted to be a player. I was once like this as I saw no reason to settle down into a relationship when there was so much variety out there. I soon realised that I didn't feel comfortable spreading my legs for men who were not really into me for more than just a good time. I hurt a guy or two through my player ways and let me tell you, it was AWFUL. Be careful what you wish for is all I can say. The guys who don't like you will crush you with their player ways; they will use you only to drop everything for a girl they think is good enough. The guys who you don't like often times end up being really into you and you end up crushing them. I have had a few mutually agreed upon FWB type scenarios but they only worked well because they were guys who made it CLEAR that they though I was just as attractive and just as awesome as the women they had dated, only for whatever reason, we needed casual. Either there wasn't sufficient romantic feelings or one or both of us were not over an ex; we still both found one another attractive enough to "date". We both liked each others personalities. In once case I was not over my ex nor was I into the guy in a romantic sense; he sensed I wasn't over my ex and, while I was just as attractive as his exes and he liked my personality about the same, casual suited us best at the time. The other guy had a girl overseas he met who he had to leave abruptly; they are together now but for a few months they didn't really know what to make of things. He really liked me and, if this girl wasn't in the picture, he did genuinely like me enough to date. Our FWB was great, as we both found each other REALLY hot, frankly, we just met each other at the wrong time. I advise that, as a woman, FWB only seem to work if the guy genuinely value and respects you in the same way in which he values his exes or actual dating prospects. I recommend seeking out men who find you attractive enough to date but, for whatever reason, don't feel enough of a romantic connection with you to warrant dating you. I am not into casual sex or FWB yet, during times when I am not over an ex or not ready to date for whatever reason, those ^^^^ style of FWB didn't afflict me in a negative way, since the men did genuinely seem into me enough to date yet dint for various reasons. I find most women do best in loving relationships OR with FWB who like and respect them. I have yet to meet a woman who sleeps around with men who don't like or respect them that are happy people in general.
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