"I Do Not Want to Date Multi-Daters"

[nomadic_butterfly]

That would be a turn off with me. I used to be a multi dater. Let me explain to you how it works.

 

I'm on a dating website, I got a couple of interesting prospects, I get 1-2-3 different invite for coffee. Why would I blow off 2 good prospects I have not met yet and put all my money on you that I have not met yet?

 

So, what I did was meet number 1,2,3. Out of 3 there is always 1 that is a NO-go from the moment you met him so you're left with 2 prospects with whom you had 1 date.

 

Which one should I eliminate? I had 1 date with both of you.

 

Second date you start comparing the 2 guys and there is always one that stands out more than the other one.

 

By date 3 you've made your decision which one is the most compatible with you. We know the first 3 dates are critical. If you make it pass 3 dates and you accept a 4th one it's because you are genuinely interested into each other. By the 4th date you've made your choice and drop your choice number 2, and give that one remaining guy his chance.

 

Multi dating for me last no more than 3 dates. I was in the business of finding myself a man for a LTR, not in the business of multi dating.

 

This sounds "ideal" but that's not how A LOT of online multi-daters work. So you make it to or by round 3. Their profile is STILL active, may see someone again who tickles their fancy since they are always looking for that next best thing, roots seldom planted. Even while in a relationship, they may still have that itch.

 

I think online dating in this regard causes more harm than good. People always curious what else is out there and never really wanting to be 100% into something b/c online sites are like a supermarket. Commitment phobe heaven and haven!

[nomadic_butterfly]

See this is really interesting to me. I prefer to not spend much time talking online or emailing. I think real chemistry is much easier to spot in person. So while you were finding out a lot about a potential partner online, I do that the first couple times I go out with someone. I just prefer to do it in person.

 

This is my reason for multi-dating. I wonder if this is where the difference is between people who are for/against it. OP.. Do you do a lot of the getting to know each other prior to meeting up?

 

Yes, I don't multi-date and I am very discerning and know exactly what's suits me. I have long "found myself," am marriage minded, and prefer to talk to someone first before meeting. Not for months, but a couple weeks, and I like to have a few longer phone convos before meeting. I've eliminated SSOOOOOOOOOOOO many men by this. I need to see if there's any glaring flaws, sometimes mental issues unravel, seeing how smooth our convo flows, seeing if they are articulate, Skyping to verify he looks like his pics, etc.

 

Some guys before you even meet show a wacko side. Like texting you ad infinitum, harassing you about stupid things, asking dumb questions, asking weird questions and just displaying signs all the screws upstairs aren't too tight.

 

I used to get to know guys for months before meeting, but as I am older and more astute, there's no time to waste and no need. Some people online aren't serious about meeting and I have no time for that.

Edited March 2, 2014 by nomadic_butterfly

[MissBee]

Sorry. Why should I put all my eggs in one basket? You don't search for one job at a time, why would one search for a partner one at a time.

 

Dating is about getting to know someone. Dating a few people at a time, before an exclusivity conversation, means that anxiety is reduced because everything is not riding on this one date. It's smart.

 

I agree personally, but I suppose people can choose what they want.

 

But dating is for me to discover if there is anyone I'd like to take that further step with.

 

I can see other people as can they and as we should in the early stages; however, if there is a strong connection between us then eventually my desire to see other people will decrease and I'll naturally cut them off. But esp if you're online dating it doesn't really make sense that you wouldn't talk to more than one person or go out with more than one person before settling on one you're MOST compatible with for something more. Those are my expectations personally. If I meet a guy out and about it's a little different or if we had some form of friendship before then it is less likely he's seeing others, but with online dating you should expect that there will be at least one other "contender" so to speak as the nature of online dating makes that most likely.

[MissBee]

Look, ask anyone who is "madly in love". Sometimes you just meet someone that you are REALLY into.

 

If you meet a person you're smitten with and it is mutual, WHY would you date others?

 

If you meet someone you're really into, no one would be able to really compare.

 

Rarely, I meet guys like my boyfriend; from date one we both seemed very much into each other. While we didn't want to talk marriage and babies or act psycho, we simply wouldn't have benefited from dating others.

 

What makes multi daters think that in my case, we would have both benefited from dating others once we had both met?

 

We are old enough to know when something special comes along. It seemed so obvious to the both of us that we wouldn't easily meet other prospects that we would feel as strongly about.

 

 

 

 

Multi dating is for people don't feel smitten after date one. There are couples who really do fall right away for each other; doesn't mean they move fast, it just means they are crazy about each other and want to only explore one another.

 

Can't multi dating advocates see where I am coming from? I don't fall hard for MOST of the men I date, but once I met my bf and one of my exes, I was smitten.

 

Being smitten with someone beats "dating others" due to not being all that into any one person early on and having to "grow" to be into them slowly. I prefer it when you just "are" into someone due to being something special about them that sets them apart from "all the others" you have dated.

 

 

Your entire post reinforces the point of multi-dating. What you're explaining is precisely the logic of multi-dating. I haven't seen anyone saying you should date others if you're smitten .

 

9/10 people you go out on a date with will not result in you being smitten. Simple. Esp with online dating.

 

If and when you do meet someone who is just "IT" after one date then you will both naturally not want to see other people and go from there. No one is saying that if that is the case you should still find other people to date just for the sake of it. It seems that that's what you're defending but I don't think multi-dating is advocating that at all, but is saying the same thing you've said. It's simply advocating that people should expect that dating will be a process and MOST times you will need to see multiple people or see them more than once to narrow it down/before a real connection happens.

 

What is strange is going in [esp online dating] from jump and expecting people not to date others before knowing whether or not you're gonna have that connection. I met one boyfriend online and the first date was IT and I never saw anyone else after him and he told me on our second date that he pretty much didn't want to see anyone else...it was a natural progression. But with others it didn't happen like that and I still saw other people as I'm sure they did, until over time I grew to find one person I wanted to focus on, or sometimes I didn't end up wanting to see any of them anymore seriously. To me the DEFAULT should be the mentality that you'll need to multi-date first or "generalize first" and "specialize later" rather than going in expecting to specialize.

[Leigh 87]

Your entire post reinforces the point of multi-dating. What you're explaining is precisely the logic of multi-dating. I haven't seen anyone saying you should date others if you're smitten .

 

9/10 people you go out on a date with will not result in you being smitten. Simple. Esp with online dating.

 

 

 

Well he was smitten with me from day one, the moment he laid eyes on me pretty much. I felt the same way.

 

My good friend also felt this way about her boyfriend. They are still together much later on.

 

I guess we happened to feel the strong chemistry as well as clicking really well as good friends.

 

 

 

 

Look, I consider myself very lucky; I ONLY date people who are smitten with me. I GO on the 9 dates with different men that it takes to find "the one" who is really into me from day one.

 

Then I go on another 9 dates plus to find the guy who falls for me right away, and who I ALSO feel the same way about:lmao:

 

 

I understand that multi dating is ideal for most people, but it simply isn't what I want for myself.

 

I just prefer to find something more elusive; the style of love where you BOTH fall head over heels from the start. Sort of like love at first site.

 

I don't enjoy having to meet men who has to date "others" to "see" who he "prefers". IF a guy is REALLY into a girl, and this DOES happen once in a while, he simply figures that no one else will compare to his intense and passionate spark he feels with THAT one girl.

 

With me, there is ALWAYS "that one guy" who I am really into from the start, the "instant' spark that makes me feel excited to receive his texts....

 

All the while, there are the "really nice guys" who are decent men, yet who I am totally indifferent about kissing or seeing again. WHY would I want to keep "dating" these types of men who I am not excited about, once I meet a guy I CLEARLY feel way more into?

 

 

 

 

Just believe me, there are always those matches where BOTH people just "feel it" from date one, and no one else they "meet" will compare.

 

 

 

 

I have found this twice or more, but so far only the one guy has felt the same way back to me.

 

My interest in other guys just tapered off immediately after meeting him only once.

[WP4046]

Your entire post reinforces the point of multi-dating. What you're explaining is precisely the logic of multi-dating. I haven't seen anyone saying you should date others if you're smitten .

 

9/10 people you go out on a date with will not result in you being smitten. Simple. Esp with online dating.

 

 

 

Well he was smitten with me from day one, the moment he laid eyes on me pretty much. I felt the same way.

 

My good friend also felt this way about her boyfriend. They are still together much later on.

 

I guess we happened to feel the strong chemistry as well as clicking really well as good friends.

 

 

 

 

Look, I consider myself very lucky; I ONLY date people who are smitten with me. I GO on the 9 dates with different men that it takes to find "the one" who is really into me from day one.

 

Then I go on another 9 dates plus to find the guy who falls for me right away, and who I ALSO feel the same way about:lmao:

 

 

I understand that multi dating is ideal for most people, but it simply isn't what I want for myself.

 

I just prefer to find something more elusive; the style of love where you BOTH fall head over heels from the start. Sort of like love at first site.

 

I don't enjoy having to meet men who has to date "others" to "see" who he "prefers". IF a guy is REALLY into a girl, and this DOES happen once in a while, he simply figures that no one else will compare to his intense and passionate spark he feels with THAT one girl.

 

With me, there is ALWAYS "that one guy" who I am really into from the start, the "instant' spark that makes me feel excited to receive his texts....

 

All the while, there are the "really nice guys" who are decent men, yet who I am totally indifferent about kissing or seeing again. WHY would I want to keep "dating" these types of men who I am not excited about, once I meet a guy I CLEARLY feel way more into?

 

 

 

 

Just believe me, there are always those matches where BOTH people just "feel it" from date one, and no one else they "meet" will compare.

 

 

 

 

I have found this twice or more, but so far only the one guy has felt the same way back to me.

 

My interest in other guys just tapered off immediately after meeting him only once.

 

 

you sound selfish. why should a guy put all in eggs in one basket and don't know if you are doing the same????

[nomadic_butterfly]

 

 

you sound selfish. why should a guy put all in eggs in one basket and don't know if you are doing the same????

 

Leigh is not selfish at all. She dates like minded men and problem solved. Not everyone feels they are "missing out" if they aren't juggling 5 people at a time. I know I definitely don't. I believe things will fall into place with the right kind of person at the right time as long as I'm prepared and opened to it so there's no need for an irrational fear as if there's a shortage of men or a romantic drought.

 

Plain and simply people who are anti-multi dating usually know exactly what they want and by just going out with one person a few times (for me 3 or less times), they know if there's actually potential there or if they should just leave it alone. I ask certain questions to gauge the guy's perspective BEFORE even going out and I get to know a guy online for a couple weeks before even meeting. I eliminate many through this process before even meeting in person. I don't want to waste anyone's time or money, nor mine. All my previous relationships played out like this. What works for one may not work for all.

[WP4046]

 

Leigh is not selfish at all. She dates like minded men and problem solved. Not everyone feels they are "missing out" if they aren't juggling 5 people at a time. I know I definitely don't. I believe things will fall into place with the right kind of person at the right time as long as I'm prepared and opened to it so there's no need for an irrational fear as if there's a shortage of men or a romantic drought.

 

Plain and simply people who are anti-multi dating usually know exactly what they want and by just going out with one person a few times (for me 3 or less times), they know if there's actually potential there or if they should just leave it alone. I ask certain questions to gauge the guy's perspective BEFORE even going out and I get to know a guy online for a couple weeks before even meeting. I eliminate many through this process before even meeting in person. I don't want to waste anyone's time or money, nor mine. All my previous relationships played out like this. What works for one may not work for all.

 

 

I think only a women can juggle 5 people anyway since they are not expected to pay. Unless a guy is a stock broker making 6 figures, I don;t see how he is juggling 5 women at one time

[thegreatesthumphrey]

You should be more interested in finding out what you want. The only problem I forsee with dating more than one person (either party) is sex. Otherwise your safe. Dating is for you. Just because a girl is dating other people at the start, the majority of the time she is just looking for the one that is compatible with her. Once she finds it she will become monogamous. If you arent that one, then you should be thankful. Would you really want to be with someone that didn't CHOOSE you. Relationships take on a whole new meaning when both parties CHOOSE each other for more reasons then attractiveness, and it takes time to figure that out. So if this is important to you, leave sex at the door until you know you are her one.