"I Do Not Want to Date Multi-Daters"

[Gaeta]

Interesting: What did the OP mean by multi dating?

 

For me multi dating is done at the beginning, you make a few contacts, go on a couple of dates and then you eliminate. It's usually done under 3-4 dates.

 

Someone that will date a multitude of prospects at the same time is not multi dating, he is casually dating. These people usually will date several people till one of them ask for exclusivity. They can casually date 1, 2, 3 months till the exclusivity talk is brought up.

[WP4046]

Well you shouldn't date then because all people multi-date. And how would you know anyway? It's not like people reveal it

[Gaeta]

How you know,

 

After you've had a few dates with someone and you feel you've made a connection then you talk about dating each other exclusively. Some people need that talk after a few dates, some after a month and some 3 months.

 

As for meeting someone ONCE and then say I expect you are not going to meet someone else, in my book it's controlling. If you don't want me to meet someone else then give me a reason to not desire meeting someone else!

[WP4046]

How you know,

 

After you've had a few dates with someone and you feel you've made a connection then you talk about dating each other exclusively. Some people need that talk after a few dates, some after a month and some 3 months.

 

As for meeting someone ONCE and then say I expect you are not going to meet someone else, in my book it's controlling. If you don't want me to meet someone else then give me a reason to not desire meeting someone else!

 

 

Because it's not a such thing as someone only talking to one person

[OhThatGirl]

People can do whatever they want, but you have the option to choose. When I was doing OLD, I usually talk to a woman for a few weeks before we meet. During that time, I would try to find out as much as I can about this woman, and whether or not I want to meet. I don't multi-date, and I don't pursue women who multi-date.

 

It's as easy as asking, "are you seeing anyone right now?...I don't multi-date...I'm more interested in getting to know one person at a time." Nine out of ten times the woman responds, "I'm the same way....I really want to get to know you." It's okay to be honest and finesse. I have never scared off a girl by asking directly.

 

See this is really interesting to me. I prefer to not spend much time talking online or emailing. I think real chemistry is much easier to spot in person. So while you were finding out a lot about a potential partner online, I do that the first couple times I go out with someone. I just prefer to do it in person.

 

This is my reason for multi-dating. I wonder if this is where the difference is between people who are for/against it. OP.. Do you do a lot of the getting to know each other prior to meeting up?

 

Otherwise I can't see how it's fair to ask them to not consider other options when she really doesn't know much about you.

 

That being said, I've now been on two dates with a guy I'm very interested in and Im bummed to know I may be one of a few girls he is getting to know. I have confidence though that I'm a great catch and so if we don't continue moving forward I will know it's because he found someone better suited for him.

 

It's nice to be able to have a couple options available and get to be time efficient in meeting people but the serious downside I've seen is that rather than being able to evaluate a person as a good potential match you're frequently comparing them against each other... It can potentially cause a perfectly good match to be passed over for a perfectly good match for whom you've got more initial attraction.

 

It's got pros and cons. I'm looking to be time efficient though.

[WP4046]

See this is really interesting to me. I prefer to not spend much time talking online or emailing. I think real chemistry is much easier to spot in person. So while you were finding out a lot about a potential partner online, I do that the first couple times I go out with someone. I just prefer to do it in person.

 

This is my reason for multi-dating. I wonder if this is where the difference is between people who are for/against it. OP.. Do you do a lot of the getting to know each other prior to meeting up?

 

Otherwise I can't see how it's fair to ask them to not consider other options when she really doesn't know much about you.

 

That being said, I've now been on two dates with a guy I'm very interested in and Im bummed to know I may be one of a few girls he is getting to know. I have confidence though that I'm a great catch and so if we don't continue moving forward I will know it's because he found someone better suited for him.

 

It's nice to be able to have a couple options available and get to be time efficient in meeting people but the serious downside I've seen is that rather than being able to evaluate a person as a good potential match you're frequently comparing them against each other... It can potentially cause a perfectly good match to be passed over for a perfectly good match for whom you've got more initial attraction.

 

It's got pros and cons. I'm looking to be time efficient though.

 

 

Are you flexible with people's schedule? Or do you rush the meeting process because you are in a rush to meet face to face?

[OhThatGirl]

Are you flexible with people's schedule? Or do you rush the meeting process because you are in a rush to meet face to face?

 

I'm somewhat flexible. But chances are if they're not asking me out within a few messages I'm passing them up for guys that are. I'm on eHarmony so there are at least 3 guided communication things sent before plain old email-type messages.

 

Only a few things need to be determined online (from my point of view): you're age appropriate, you have a decent/interesting job, you're not shorter than me, I find you somewhat attractive from pictures, you don't drink daily, don't do drugs, interested in finding marriage and having kids, don't dislike dogs, and are articulate enough to put together some thoughtful interesting messages.

 

This is more than I would know if I bumped into someone at a bar, so why do I need much more than that to chat for a while over coffee? See what I mean?

[jrh1524]

My thought process: I just wouldn't want to kiss someone that has kissed three other guys that same day. And why is this woman I'm wanting to date already have dates set up with 10 different dudes this week?? She's already gone through 120 guys this year? Wow... so I have to be better than, in her mind, 120 other guys??? How many has she slept with?

 

Also, if she's so quick to drop guys at a moments notice, what if we ended up getting married and I got cancer or lost a leg or something?? She dropped guy #76 because his hair wasn't combed properly. Well damn, there goes my marriage and half my ****.

[jrh1524]

I don't call going for coffee at starbuck 'seeing someone'. I don't sleep with them, I don't go to their home or invite them to my home. Under 3 dates it's not 'seeing someone' it's a selection process nothing more.

 

Over 2 years I went on + 100 dates to find my guy. 80% of them were clowns not worth meeting a second time.

 

That's a LOT of rejections. Have you told this new guy you've rejected 100's of guys? If not, why not tell him ? I'd be interested to see if he runs for the hills.

 

Hypothetically, if your "guy" woke up tomorrow and was 15 lbs heavier and bald would you stick with him? Or would he go in the rejection PILE?

[WP4046]

I'm somewhat flexible. But chances are if they're not asking me out within a few messages I'm passing them up for guys that are. I'm on eHarmony so there are at least 3 guided communication things sent before plain old email-type messages.

 

Only a few things need to be determined online (from my point of view): you're age appropriate, you have a decent/interesting job, you're not shorter than me, I find you somewhat attractive from pictures, you don't drink daily, don't do drugs, interested in finding marriage and having kids, don't dislike dogs, and are articulate enough to put together some thoughtful interesting messages.

 

This is more than I would know if I bumped into someone at a bar, so why do I need much more than that to chat for a while over coffee? See what I mean?

 

because some guys schedule may not be the same as yours and can't meet just because you are ready. sounds like something a female would do if she was in college

[WP4046]

My thought process: I just wouldn't want to kiss someone that has kissed three other guys that same day. And why is this woman I'm wanting to date already have dates set up with 10 different dudes this week?? She's already gone through 120 guys this year? Wow... so I have to be better than, in her mind, 120 other guys??? How many has she slept with?

 

Also, if she's so quick to drop guys at a moments notice, what if we ended up getting married and I got cancer or lost a leg or something?? She dropped guy #76 because his hair wasn't combed properly. Well damn, there goes my marriage and half my ****.

 

 

Sounds like the definition of a "dinner slut" to me

[pickflicker]

That's a LOT of rejections. Have you told this new guy you've rejected 100's of guys? If not, why not tell him ? I'd be interested to see if he runs for the hills.

 

Hypothetically, if your "guy" woke up tomorrow and was 15 lbs heavier and bald would you stick with him? Or would he go in the rejection PILE?

 

She knew what she wanted and she went for it. If more people did that instead of settling because some antiquated notion of "being alone is so awful", people would be happier.

 

I'd expect a man to do the same. If you are confident enough to be single, there is no way you should settle with anyone that doesn't complement you fully.

[SJC2008]

I don't mind multi dating if it's within a few dates and they're not sleeping with other people. That's what makes it seem like a catch-22. I don't want to tell someone who they can or can't sleep with but I feel I have the right to want to date someone who is currently not sexually avtive. I guess you gotta win the lotto and meet someone who feels the same way.

 

If you were somehow able to broach the subject could you really trust them anyway? They could tell you what you want to hear not to lose you but you could still just be an option anyway?? Also, IME (with the women I've dealt with) words are very very powerful, moreso than actions, and saying you're not a multi dater to them would = "I'm a sprung sap and I want to be exclusive with you".

 

I've tried to do things the "right" way and vocalize my views and it backfired. About a year ago I told a woman whom I was on a 3rd date with that I draw the line with dating others at sex. This was becasue she told me she didn't know what she wanted and wanted to date around. Now I'm sure I could of articulated it better but she wasn't the person to do that with because what she said was just code for 'I'm not over my ex and I want some company and to sew some oats'.

[RedRobin]

When I did OLD, I was like Phantom... I did a fair amount of emailing and maybe a phone conversation or two before meeting.

 

 

There is a lot I learn about someone from their conversation style, choice of topics, response rate, etc. Besides, guys who aren't all that interested in me or mostly interested in just sex would fade away after a couple of emails. Fine with me.

 

 

Coffee/dinner dates are boring for me... I'd rather do something active. I learn more from one 'activity' date than I'd learn in 10 coffee/dinner/sit down dates. The coffee/dinner date thing is what made OLD the biggest chore for me when I did it.

[Leigh 87]

When I did OLD, I was like Phantom... I did a fair amount of emailing and maybe a phone conversation or two before meeting.

 

 

There is a lot I learn about someone from their conversation style, choice of topics, response rate, etc. Besides, guys who aren't all that interested in me or mostly interested in just sex would fade away after a couple of emails. Fine with me.

 

 

Coffee/dinner dates are boring for me... I'd rather do something active. I learn more from one 'activity' date than I'd learn in 10 coffee/dinner/sit down dates. The coffee/dinner date thing is what made OLD the biggest chore for me when I did it.

 

 

 

 

I also spend a lot of time exchanging online messages.

 

I get a real feel for a person that way, I have always felt that their online and phone persona does represent who they turn out to be in the flesh.

 

You can be wrong but a lot of times you can get a good sense of what a person is like before you even meet them.

 

I had a really good feeling about the guys I ended up liking in real life.

[StanMusial]

She knew what she wanted and she went for it. If more people did that instead of settling because some antiquated notion of "being alone is so awful", people would be happier.

 

I'd expect a man to do the same. If you are confident enough to be single, there is no way you should settle with anyone that doesn't complement you fully.

 

Going on 100's of dates does not indicate to me that "she knew what she wanted and she went for it". Actually it seems the opposite.

[BikerAccnt]

I don't mind the idea of multi-dating but..where do you find the time? I was talking to 3 ladies but find I only have time to go out with one. Even if I wanted to ask all three out, I'd have to stagger it over weeks.

 

I can barely fit in one date a week, let alone more. With as busy as everyone's schedule is, between work and kids (if they have any, and in my age group many do, even though older) it's hard to set one date, especially if they live more than 15 minutes away.

[Gaeta]

That's a LOT of rejections. Have you told this new guy you've rejected 100's of guys? If not, why not tell him ? I'd be interested to see if he runs for the hills.

 

Hypothetically, if your "guy" woke up tomorrow and was 15 lbs heavier and bald would you stick with him? Or would he go in the rejection PILE?

Like I said, 80% of the men I met were clowns not worth meeting a second time. Even though they had put themselves in the 'looking for serious relationship' their words and actions indicated otherwise. I met men that were small, big, tall, short, hair, no hair, I was not looking for a Bad Pitt, just for someone genuine.

 

I met men that grabbed my ass on a first meet, met men that confessed during a first coffee that they still lived with their ex, met men that were nothing like their pictures, met men that did not look in my eyes once during our first meeting, met men that followed me after, men that demanded exclusivity after 1 coffee, and the list goes on. I met a lot of crap.

 

I did tell my boyfriend I had met a lot of men, met a lot of morons, a lot of liars, and when I say he's the most amazing man I have come across I know what I am talking about and damn there is a lot of BS out there.

 

My boyfriend judged me on the kind of woman I am, not on the number of men that invited me out on a first meet. We've been dating for months now, how many men I met before finding him means I am not the type of woman to settle with something mediocre just for the same of being with someone, I prefer being along then being with the wrong person. And how many men I rejected before him means nothing on the type of commitment I am capable of giving to the right man.

[Gaeta]

See this is really interesting to me. I prefer to not spend much time talking online or emailing. I think real chemistry is much easier to spot in person. So while you were finding out a lot about a potential partner online, I do that the first couple times I go out with someone. I just prefer to do it in person.

 

This is my reason for multi-dating. I wonder if this is where the difference is between people who are for/against it. OP.. Do you do a lot of the getting to know each other prior to meeting up?

Excellent point. I do not chat online. I make contact with someone, we exchange a few emails, if the man has the basic I am looking for then I meet him over coffee in the next couple of days. I refuse to invest time in a person if I have not met him face to face. A dating site is to make contact, not to 'get to know' someone.

[Gaeta]

My thought process: I just wouldn't want to kiss someone that has kissed three other guys that same day. And why is this woman I'm wanting to date already have dates set up with 10 different dudes this week?? She's already gone through 120 guys this year? Wow... so I have to be better than, in her mind, 120 other guys??? How many has she slept with?

 

Also, if she's so quick to drop guys at a moments notice, what if we ended up getting married and I got cancer or lost a leg or something?? She dropped guy #76 because his hair wasn't combed properly. Well damn, there goes my marriage and half my ****.

Extremely judgmental and you exaggerate the facts. I don't kiss or sleep with men I went on 1-2 dates with, you?

 

I set up a lot of dates in a short period of time because I know 80% of them will be flakes. Good men are RARE to find.

 

Why do you compare someone dating style with commitment like marriage? I was married for 15 years, I know the meaning of commitment, when I am with a man I am 100% devoted to him and to our relationship. I stand by my man till the end, if he needs a kidney I will give it to him.

 

By the way I dropped number 76 because after our 1st coffee he offered to drop me at the metro station, it was poring rain, and instead of dropping me at the station he kept me in his car against my will for 40 mins driving around town trying to convince me we should spend the day together. He scared the hell out of me! Moron enough for you? I should have given him a second date up to you?

[OhThatGirl]

Excellent point. I do not chat online. I make contact with someone, we exchange a few emails, if the man has the basic I am looking for then I meet him over coffee in the next couple of days. I refuse to invest time in a person if I have not met him face to face. A dating site is to make contact, not to 'get to know' someone.

 

Totally agree. IMO a decent girl is not really kissing or sleeping with guys when multi dating. That comes for when you've narrowed it down and exclusively see one person at a time. This isn't the Bachelorette, and I'm not making out with multiple people back to back. I might be quick to take a coffee date but that's because there's almost no chance I'm sleeping with someone on the 3rd date. In fact it has never happened and even with the guy I find to be great after 2 dates I just don't see myself jumping into bed with him on the 3rd.

 

I guess it's a matter of preference.. Whether you do the getting to know in person and will do so with a couple/few people at a time or you do that work beforehand and want to be more selective about meeting in person.

 

Not enough time? If you don't have time in your week for 2 coffee dates (about an hour if there's no huge red flags that have you excusing yourself sooner) chances are you won't have time to spend with me if we got serious! Then again I don't have kids, and I would be understanding if I were dating someone with kids, but 2 hours a week to meet new people doesn't seem excessive..

[hasaquestion]

Do you think saying this to women right off the bat would go over well? Or would it go over like a hand grenade in church? I just feel like my dating life would be so much more pleasant if I could filter out multi-daters. What say you?

 

If I were female and someone said that to me, it would be the last time I see the guy.

 

At least in the context of dating. Perhaps we could be platonic friends.

[RedRobin]

Like I said, 80% of the men I met were clowns not worth meeting a second time. Even though they had put themselves in the 'looking for serious relationship' their words and actions indicated otherwise. I met men that were small, big, tall, short, hair, no hair, I was not looking for a Bad Pitt, just for someone genuine.

 

I met men that grabbed my ass on a first meet, met men that confessed during a first coffee that they still lived with their ex, met men that were nothing like their pictures, met men that did not look in my eyes once during our first meeting, met men that followed me after, men that demanded exclusivity after 1 coffee, and the list goes on. I met a lot of crap.

 

I did tell my boyfriend I had met a lot of men, met a lot of morons, a lot of liars, and when I say he's the most amazing man I have come across I know what I am talking about and damn there is a lot of BS out there.

 

My boyfriend judged me on the kind of woman I am, not on the number of men that invited me out on a first meet. We've been dating for months now, how many men I met before finding him means I am not the type of woman to settle with something mediocre just for the same of being with someone, I prefer being along then being with the wrong person. And how many men I rejected before him means nothing on the type of commitment I am capable of giving to the right man.

 

 

Gaeta, I'm glad you found someone you are compatible with...

 

 

When I first did OLD, I did it like you. A quick email or two, then meet. Outcome was horrible... almost all of them were guys trying to eff me within 1-3 dates. Hmm... why is that??

 

 

Well, because I hadn't obliged them to show their colors even a little before 'rewarding' them with a meet.

 

 

Fast forward to the last time I tried OLD a few months ago... nearly 3000 men viewed my profile. Among those, maybe 100 emailed me once. I didn't keep track of the 'likes' and 'winks'. Maybe 20 actually read my profile, lol. I continued correspondence with 6. Among those, I agreed to meet one.

 

 

That ONE was probably the most decent person I've met among all of the men I've ever met doing OLD. It didn't turn into a romance, for some other factors... but I know for a fact I'm a lot closer to my goal of finding a decent man THIS way... than with the cast-net way of meeting someone before... if nothing else, I'm not allowing shyte men into my life. Not even for one hour.

[salparadise]

I find it extremely distasteful on both sides. I'm not talking about initial meetings or first couple of dates, but beyond that I'm not going to continue investing my time, emotion and dollars in someone unless I'm actually interested in them. Likewise, I'm not going to invest in a person who is encouraging me and at the same time looking for a better deal. My enthusiasm will plummet and we're done. From my side of the equation, if I'm interested enough to go on a third date it's because I feel some potential and I will not have any desire to develop new options. All of the women I've dated for a few months or more have let me know by about the third date that they took their profile down. Right or wrong, it feels like the difference between integrity and bull$hit.

[nomadic_butterfly]

Do you think saying this to women right off the bat would go over well? Or would it go over like a hand grenade in church? I just feel like my dating life would be so much more pleasant if I could filter out multi-daters. What say you?

 

I don't date "multi-daters" either; A LOT of them, particularly in the online world are indecisive and have GIGs.

 

I've learned different people have different ideas on how the "dating process" works. For me it's not "we're exclusive" if I say I like to get to know one man at a time and expect the same.

 

In my mind its -->spend time knowing each other SOLELY-->Decide if we're compatible enough for something serious --> get serious and commit. "Getting to know/dating exclusively" for me takes a couple months before I put the bf/gf title on it. That's how my relationships have worked but everyone is different.

 

Asking for the other party not to multi-date or finding someone who doesn't do that DOES NOT MEAN COMMITMENT right away. It means concentrating on one person alone so there is no confusion and mixed feelings. This allows me to weed out guys by or before the 3rd date.

 

If you're just looking for fwb or booty calls, this makes no sense. Men and women are running away or going anywhere. I don't view the 1-3 dates I use to gauge if there's further probability for something serious as "missing opportunities" with other guys. I only recommend not multi-dating though when you are decisive and know exactly what you want/have to offer, which I do!