jrh1524 Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Do you think saying this to women right off the bat would go over well? Or would it go over like a hand grenade in church? I just feel like my dating life would be so much more pleasant if I could filter out multi-daters. What say you? 2
MissBee Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 It's how you say it. I personally don't do well with anyone making any declarations or these types of "I don't do/like xyz so I hope that's not what you do/like" statements, it just comes off as presumptuous, even accusatory sometimes and rude. You can simply ask the person how they feel about multi-dating and see their response and if they do it, then say you respect their decision but aren't sure of your fit because you have a hard time with it. Or you can find a way to casually bring up that you prefer dating someone who dates only one person at a time...it's basically how you bring it up and if you make your feelings known in a way that doesn't come off like you're an employer at an interview stating "I don't like this, that and the third thing so I hope that's not you" as 9/10 times it will come off very abrasive and even for those who don't multi-date the fact that you chose to do that may be off putting. 2
TXGuy Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I don't know what you have in mind with respect to the definition of and timing related to 'multi-dating.' Are you talking about on the first date? If so, you are basically asking for exclusivity immediately. I don't think it would go over too well with many people. 9
Leigh 87 Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I also don't date multi daters, as I prefer to pick people who are smitten with me and therefore don't WANT to date "others":sick: However, I never tell them this right off the batt; it is more socially adept in my honest opinion, to go on a date and see how it goes first. Then, if you are really into her and you THINK she could be really into you, say: " look, I really like you so far and I only like to focus on one woman at a time and see how that pans out BEFORE I move on to dating others" " There is no pressure here, but if you are not on the same page then we are not compatible" A guy did this to me^^^^ one our first date he said " I have deleted my profile because I felt that things were going in a certain direction with us; we both seem interested enough to put others on hold and just focus on the one person" Fortunately for him, I felt the same way. He gauged my feelings correctly. I urge you to do the same; if the girl isn't on the same page, she has the option of politely explaining to you that she doesn't, in fact, desire to limit her options right now to the one person. 2
soccerrprp Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I've have people on the very first date come right out and say, "I'd like to get to know you better, but I don't date mult-daters." Or "I want you to know that I don't multi-date and would like to be with someone who also doesn't." If he/she is not into it then it shouldn't be a problem. If he/she is, well, you'll have your answer soon enough. Likely by the end of that date. As a guy, most women prefer dating one guy at a time. Only once did I date someone who didn't force the issue, but preferred dating one guy at a time.
pickflicker Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Do you think saying this to women right off the bat would go over well? Or would it go over like a hand grenade in church? I just feel like my dating life would be so much more pleasant if I could filter out multi-daters. What say you? Sorry. Why should I put all my eggs in one basket? You don't search for one job at a time, why would one search for a partner one at a time. Dating is about getting to know someone. Dating a few people at a time, before an exclusivity conversation, means that anxiety is reduced because everything is not riding on this one date. It's smart. 3
BradJacobs Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 It won't go over. She'll just eliminate you on the spot. Isn't that what the OP is looking for? There's nothing wrong with dating how you want. 1
RedRobin Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 There are lots of people who don't multi-date. I used to care a lot more than I do now if they did or not. These days, I just make it clear that I'm not keen on being physically intimate with someone who is multi-dating... and that includes kissing, etc. In the beginning, if we are just getting to know each other and going on dates, I don't really care who he sees as long as he's not better-dealing me or lying about it. If he's still seeing others after about a month or two of that, then I cut him loose. I'm also not keen on developing anything with men who have someone on the side while he's getting to know me... our values would not be consistent if he was having FWB or casual sex while he was seeing me. 1
HappyLove Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 If you're meeting these people online then sorry that would be kinda hard. It kinda goes along with OLDing. People are setting up coffee dates and messaging back & forth. Now if you take someone out maybe twice and you hit it off you could say something like 'I'm really interested in you and would like to get to know you only so I'll be taking down my profile and I'd like to date just you'. That sounds kinda corny but most women will follow your lead and take theirs down too if they feel the same. A lot of women only multi date to protect themselves from getting too wrapped up in one guy and then getting burned anyway in the end. So you saying that would probably be music to a woman's ears.
soccerrprp Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 OP, You have EVERY right to not date people who multi-date. There are plenty of people out there who don't do it. Just tell the guys up front and that will help you get rid of some people who don't meet your values. 1
Gaeta Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 That would be a turn off with me. I used to be a multi dater. Let me explain to you how it works. I'm on a dating website, I got a couple of interesting prospects, I get 1-2-3 different invite for coffee. Why would I blow off 2 good prospects I have not met yet and put all my money on you that I have not met yet? So, what I did was meet number 1,2,3. Out of 3 there is always 1 that is a NO-go from the moment you met him so you're left with 2 prospects with whom you had 1 date. Which one should I eliminate? I had 1 date with both of you. Second date you start comparing the 2 guys and there is always one that stands out more than the other one. By date 3 you've made your decision which one is the most compatible with you. We know the first 3 dates are critical. If you make it pass 3 dates and you accept a 4th one it's because you are genuinely interested into each other. By the 4th date you've made your choice and drop your choice number 2, and give that one remaining guy his chance. Multi dating for me last no more than 3 dates. I was in the business of finding myself a man for a LTR, not in the business of multi dating. 8
Phantom888 Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 People can do whatever they want, but you have the option to choose. When I was doing OLD, I usually talk to a woman for a few weeks before we meet. During that time, I would try to find out as much as I can about this woman, and whether or not I want to meet. I don't multi-date, and I don't pursue women who multi-date. It's as easy as asking, "are you seeing anyone right now?...I don't multi-date...I'm more interested in getting to know one person at a time." Nine out of ten times the woman responds, "I'm the same way....I really want to get to know you." It's okay to be honest and finesse. I have never scared off a girl by asking directly.
FitChick Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 And sometimes even if you are left with two, one might not be that interested in you.
Phantom888 Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 That would be a turn off with me. I used to be a multi dater. Let me explain to you how it works. I'm on a dating website, I got a couple of interesting prospects, I get 1-2-3 different invite for coffee. Why would I blow off 2 good prospects I have not met yet and put all my money on you that I have not met yet? So, what I did was meet number 1,2,3. Out of 3 there is always 1 that is a NO-go from the moment you met him so you're left with 2 prospects with whom you had 1 date. Which one should I eliminate? I had 1 date with both of you. Second date you start comparing the 2 guys and there is always one that stands out more than the other one. By date 3 you've made your decision which one is the most compatible with you. We know the first 3 dates are critical. If you make it pass 3 dates and you accept a 4th one it's because you are genuinely interested into each other. By the 4th date you've made your choice and drop your choice number 2, and give that one remaining guy his chance. Multi dating for me last no more than 3 dates. I was in the business of finding myself a man for a LTR, not in the business of multi dating. That's perfectly reasonable as long as you are not sleeping with any of them and they all understand you are seeing other people.
Phantom888 Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Sorry. Why should I put all my eggs in one basket? You don't search for one job at a time, why would one search for a partner one at a time. Dating is about getting to know someone. Dating a few people at a time, before an exclusivity conversation, means that anxiety is reduced because everything is not riding on this one date. It's smart. That's perfectly okay and reasonable. As long as you are not being sexually intimate with anyone you are multi-dating, then it's fair an honorable. For many of us, sex implies exclusivity, so multi-daters who sleep around are really despicable. 1
Targetlock Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 nope wouldn't do that never understand that way of dating, I'm a one-woman-at-a-time man, I can only get obsessed over one woman at a time. its like ice cream, i only want the flavour I like not every flavour at once
Gaeta Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 That's perfectly reasonable as long as you are not sleeping with any of them and they all understand you are seeing other people. I don't call going for coffee at starbuck 'seeing someone'. I don't sleep with them, I don't go to their home or invite them to my home. Under 3 dates it's not 'seeing someone' it's a selection process nothing more. Over 2 years I went on + 100 dates to find my guy. 80% of them were clowns not worth meeting a second time. 2
HappyLove Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 I don't call going for coffee at starbuck 'seeing someone'. I don't sleep with them, I don't go to their home or invite them to my home. Under 3 dates it's not 'seeing someone' it's a selection process nothing more. Over 2 years I went on + 100 dates to find my guy. 80% of them were clowns not worth meeting a second time. Oh my goodness! I can't imagine going on 100 dates! Good for you at least you got your man. When I OLDed I got so sick of going on first meets/dates.
Woggle Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 You have the right to have any standards you want in a partner. Better to find who is and isn't on the same early.
oz-missy Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Sorry. Why should I put all my eggs in one basket? You don't search for one job at a time, why would one search for a partner one at a time. Dating is about getting to know someone. Dating a few people at a time, before an exclusivity conversation, means that anxiety is reduced because everything is not riding on this one date. It's smart. ^ I I I What she said. Why would you want to go exclusive and lock yourself out of the market right from the get go? Dating is just a process of getting to know each other. If from there you decide to go exclusive, all power to you. Until then you are still very much not beholden to the other person. You (and they) can continue to look around for a better fit - if need be. 2
Leigh 87 Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Look, ask anyone who is "madly in love". Sometimes you just meet someone that you are REALLY into. If you meet a person you're smitten with and it is mutual, WHY would you date others? If you meet someone you're really into, no one would be able to really compare. Rarely, I meet guys like my boyfriend; from date one we both seemed very much into each other. While we didn't want to talk marriage and babies or act psycho, we simply wouldn't have benefited from dating others. What makes multi daters think that in my case, we would have both benefited from dating others once we had both met? We are old enough to know when something special comes along. It seemed so obvious to the both of us that we wouldn't easily meet other prospects that we would feel as strongly about. Multi dating is for people don't feel smitten after date one. There are couples who really do fall right away for each other; doesn't mean they move fast, it just means they are crazy about each other and want to only explore one another. Can't multi dating advocates see where I am coming from? I don't fall hard for MOST of the men I date, but once I met my bf and one of my exes, I was smitten. Being smitten with someone beats "dating others" due to not being all that into any one person early on and having to "grow" to be into them slowly. I prefer it when you just "are" into someone due to being something special about them that sets them apart from "all the others" you have dated. 1
Gaeta Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 Look, ask anyone who is "madly in love". Sometimes you just meet someone that you are REALLY into. If you meet a person you're smitten with and it is mutual, WHY would you date others? If you meet someone you're really into, no one would be able to really compare. Rarely, I meet guys like my boyfriend; from date one we both seemed very much into each other. While we didn't want to talk marriage and babies or act psycho, we simply wouldn't have benefited from dating others. What makes multi daters think that in my case, we would have both benefited from dating others once we had both met? We are old enough to know when something special comes along. It seemed so obvious to the both of us that we wouldn't easily meet other prospects that we would feel as strongly about. Multi dating is for people don't feel smitten after date one. There are couples who really do fall right away for each other; doesn't mean they move fast, it just means they are crazy about each other and want to only explore one another. Can't multi dating advocates see where I am coming from? I don't fall hard for MOST of the men I date, but once I met my bf and one of my exes, I was smitten. Being smitten with someone beats "dating others" due to not being all that into any one person early on and having to "grow" to be into them slowly. I prefer it when you just "are" into someone due to being something special about them that sets them apart from "all the others" you have dated. I agree. I multi dated a lot because rarely I met a man that took my breath away. I used to book myself 2-3 first meet a week. I remember days I would meet one during lunch, and a different one that same day at night over coffee. I have defined multi dating lol. When I met my boyfriend we hit it off right away and he asked me to be exclusive on our 3rd date and I said YES. I cancelled all my coffee dates, deleted my profile on that day, and told my fwb good bye. When you hit it, you hit it. It doesn't matter if you multi date or not, when you meet the right one everything else will go out the window. 1
J21 Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 It's all about what you want. Why should you change a relationship preference for the sake of someone else?
veggirl Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 I wouldn't multi date and wouldn't be interested in dating someone who was doing that. I see no problem with stating that up front. tbh, I find the multi-daters are coincidentally also the perpetually single folks, or the ones who jump from 2 month relationship to 2 month relationship...lots of dating and STRs...idk if it's related at all but I've def noticed it. Weird.
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