F1008 Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Hello everyone! I'm new here so I apologize if this is the wrong section!! This will be a little lengthy I would like to give you guys the full details so you know exactly whats going on. Sorry about the long post.. So I'm looking for some advice hopefully someone could give me their input on what I should do here and or give me input on what I THINK I'm going to end up doing. So I've been talking to this girl for about four months now both of us got out of a several year relationship around the same time. I met her late November and we hit it off great - talking everyday no sex at the time though but I liked that and I thought it was attractive (To me it means she isn't a whore). Around mid to late December we start to get intimate and to me seemed like we were a "Thing". Fast forward a few weeks to around Christmas now typically in a scenario like this I just met the girl and I'm not going to go crazy spending all kinds of money on Christmas I bought her something small but cute. This girl works for her money and doesn't have much as of right now and I find out through a friend that she spent a couple hundred dollars on me for Christmas. Now me hearing that I'm thinking okay, maybe she is looking for a relationship I mean why else would you spend all that money on someone when you really don't have it like that. So I match her in price because I didn't want to look like an ass and I got her something nice. Now it's Christmas, She invites me over to her family's house for dinner we exchange gifts that night she is blown away with what I got her and me the same. Things kinda stay the same and now it's around the middle of January I feel like shes into me and I'm definitely into her so we were at my house one night and I decided to go for it and ask her if she would like to be Girlfriend/Boyfriend. To my surprise she says no and her reason is because she isn't over her ex- he made her feel like a piece of **** BUT she wants to date me she just needs time. So I give her space and I let her do her thing we still talk often but now because you shot me down don't expect me to be as "manly" as I was before and pay for things. We go on a date and the bill comes and I say okay lets split (She had more then I did so I was kinda doing her a favor). Turns out a few days later I hear from a friend that she was upset that I didn't pay the bill. Now I'm thinking okay, what the hells going on here I'm getting all sorts of mixed signals. Some time goes by and it's early February and she seems like she's REALLY into me now and I figure you know why not try it again I ask her out again. Andd once again it's a no. This time it's because she has so much going on with work and school that she doesn't want to drag a boyfriend around through that and not see him BUT she really wants to date me. A few more days go by I think about the situation and I said to her look it seems we are in different places you aren't looking for a relationship and I am so maybe it's best we see other people and stop while we are ahead. She replies with and I quote "Ugh don't ruin what I was going to do". Turns out she SAYS she was going to ask me out. Now I'm thinking OKAY, i'll give until around valentines day maybe a few days after if she doesn't do anything I'm done. What do you know... nothing happened. So yesterday I said to her look whats going on with us I'm not content with being just friends with benefits, **** buddies whatever you want to call it. You know I'm looking for a relationship and it seems like you aren't so where are you at in this whole thing so we don't waste anymore time. She tells me she doesn't want a relationship right now because she will be working crazy hours. So I ask her well okay say I hang around until after you establish yourself with work are you going to be looking for a relationship then? She replies well honestly I doubt it because I'll be on a probation period with my job and still picking up night work. So I say okay fair enough and I assumed she caught onto what I was saying. I didn't want to be blunt and say okay then we will go our separate ways because it would have been awkward to stay at her house then, and I didn't want to be an ******* and say okay I'm headed home it was fun while it lasted good luck with your school and work life. She tries cuddling me that whole night, we wake up and she tries giving me a kiss goodbye as she goes to work as if nothing is wrong then proceeds to text me throughout the day (even right now as I'm typing this:mad: ). So now I think all I'm left with is just telling her it was fun but I'm looking for someone who actually wants to be my girlfriend not just **** buddies good luck with everything. Am I wrong for saying this should I approach this some other way? Any input would be appriciated
hasaquestion Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Wow, this is like reading a letter written by me 2 years ago. Stop being her FWB and get a new one. She can either step up and be your girlfriend or lose you. Right now she's happy with your relationship, she figured after arguing she could show up and you'd give her sex and a cuddle and everything would still be fine. And? She was right. You've gotta put your foot down or nothing will change. 1
milwinlol Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Sounds like a right head f*ck!!! As I was reading it, I tried to put myself into your shoes....I literally have no idea what I'd do. Sounds like she doesn't know what she wants, you've done the good thing, reading all the signs, being a gentleman, and she's not going along with it. What you've got to remember is....and you know it, you both want different things, but each time you've confronted her about this, she's gone back inside her shell and you've had to start all over again, right from scratch. If this girl is really worth waiting for, I guess you could, but if she messes with your head this much now.....imagine what she'll be like if she ever does run out of excuses and goes out with you?! Do you really want to be in a relationship like that? Maybe you should go on a break, for a week or two, and see what happens. See how much you think of one another and see if any proper feelings 'pop out'. Talk to her, and if she lashes out, tell her she needs to listen, this is important, you need to stop letting her control you, she needs to listen and stop being a muppet really... She needs to grow up and make a decision. If there's no chance to ever get back with her ex, why is she still thinking about it?! Tell her she needs to close that chapter in her life, if not the 'you and her' one will have to be closed too.... Let me know what happensx
JamesM Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Hello I'm new to this forum and I'm in the same situation i would love some advice on how to deal?? Take the link to your store out of your signature or you may get banned. 1
Author F1008 Posted March 1, 2014 Author Posted March 1, 2014 Well just to keep you guys updated I told her I was thinking about it and I don't think we are getting anywhere with this beings you don't want a relationship that beings said I'm gonna have to move on. Told her good luck with everything.. Just waiting to hear back with a response curious to see if she says anything if at all.
spiderowl Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 I think it's fair enough for you to say you don't feel comfortable carrying on the same way when you have feelings for her. I do think you ought to mention 'feelings' because otherwise it just looks like you want a possession, a girlfriend, not that you necessarily feel anything for her. By the way, not paying for dinner on that occasion could have looked a bit peevish. I can see your reasoning but every girl wants a guy with a generous nature, not because she wants him to pay for everything for her, but if he shows willing, then she knows he'll be there for her if she ever needs his help. But I digress ... Generally, it sounds like you've done all the things a reasonable person would do. You'll need to wait and see what response you get. People can't be pushed into a relationship though, so what really matters is what has led to her feeling undecided about this? Maybe you've just been available and she hasn't had to make much effort. It's easy to take a relationship for granted if one person is always pressing the other a little. When the pressure is taken off, it does give the person chance to think about what the relationship really means to them. Giving her lots of space may be the best solution, rather than cutting off all your options with her. Spend less time with her, don't sleep with her, take it back to friends only, and less time at that. Give her the space to miss you then wait to see if she's determined to move closer.
Author F1008 Posted March 1, 2014 Author Posted March 1, 2014 I think it's fair enough for you to say you don't feel comfortable carrying on the same way when you have feelings for her. I do think you ought to mention 'feelings' because otherwise it just looks like you want a possession, a girlfriend, not that you necessarily feel anything for her. By the way, not paying for dinner on that occasion could have looked a bit peevish. I can see your reasoning but every girl wants a guy with a generous nature, not because she wants him to pay for everything for her, but if he shows willing, then she knows he'll be there for her if she ever needs his help. But I digress ... Generally, it sounds like you've done all the things a reasonable person would do. You'll need to wait and see what response you get. People can't be pushed into a relationship though, so what really matters is what has led to her feeling undecided about this? Maybe you've just been available and she hasn't had to make much effort. It's easy to take a relationship for granted if one person is always pressing the other a little. When the pressure is taken off, it does give the person chance to think about what the relationship really means to them. Giving her lots of space may be the best solution, rather than cutting off all your options with her. Spend less time with her, don't sleep with her, take it back to friends only, and less time at that. Give her the space to miss you then wait to see if she's determined to move closer. In regards to not paying for the dinner prior to that-dinner and dates were always on me. I really don't like not paying for girls when I like them and I think they are into me idk just my thing. But beings she shot me down she paid for herself on that one I understand what you are saying and that's basically what I did up until now is give her a ton of space and it's lead to nothing. I'm aware I can't force someone into a relationship but I think it's wrong for her to think I can just hang around while she plays some head games. I feel like I left it in a good place ended it kindly and the balls in her court she can see what she missed out on and maybe one day come to her senses! Part of me feels like I did the right thing and part of me keeps thinking mayyybee if I waited a bit more and didn't cut ties she would want to. But that's just the crazy side of me thinking..I think? lol
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