Sedona78 Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I am just going to dive right into the problems at hand and see if anyone out there can be of some help. I met my ex 4 years ago and became pregnant shortly after we started dating (not a great start, but he seemed happy). With that said, I had not yet met the parents and as you can imagine, my first time meeting them was a little....awkward. After all, I was 4 months pregnant. Anyway, my ex ended up getting a decent job out of state...we moved, got an apartment and started our life. However, we quickly found out how difficult living off of 1 income can be. Meantime, my ex was venting to his family. While I understand everyone needs an outlet...this just made them despise me. I was thought of as lazy (why couldn't I find a job---in this economy---8 months pregnant??) SARCASM. lol. Fast forward to when our son is 4 months old. The "guys" in my ex's family all went on a crabbing trip. This is apparently where a conversation came up about my ex's past "hookup" and how he should try going out with her again. What does a man (not a real man) do? He hits her up on facebook. I ended up finding out....it landed me in therapy and on medications because I was so devastated. Throughout my therapy, I learned to somewhat let go of his straying and gave the relationship another full on chance. About 8 months ago, My ex "just happened" to gain employment in yet ANOTHER state, which conveniently is a short ride from his parents house. Soooo he moved out, leaving me with no other choice but to live with my parents and our now 2.5 year old son. The entire 8 months, he was leading me to believe we were still together, he just needed to get his finances straightened out. Now keep in mind, the animosity between his family and I has been horrible since day 1---being that they are judgmental people. So, finally after being played for 8 months, I took him to court for child support last week. The number ended up being VERY high, but I was surprised to find out about income I had no clue about. Now that I have vented, I will say that even after all of this crap and how his family treats me, I wish we could work things out. Every time I say something, he says he loves me but he doesn't know what he wants to do because emotions are high. I feel like my gut is telling me to move on...but I really cant picture myself with anyone else. I need advice...help...whatever you can give me. I already see a psychiatrist weekly (since my ex's indiscretions) and I am on medications. I just can't seem to say "his loss".
Lernaean_Hydra Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 To be honest, it sounds like you let your pregnancy and ensuing parenthood cloud both your judgement and your perception of the relationship. He hit up an ex hookup from ages ago rather early on in your relationship but because you were either the mother of his child, you took this as a devastating blow. In reality, he was just some guy you'd only known/been with for about a year hitting up an old fling. Most women would've taken that as their exit cue and done just that. However because you had a child with him, you felt a bond that was largely manufactured. You skipped so many steps that your relationship didn't really have the chance to progress naturally. Meanwhile, I'm sure he was probably feeling trapped. I really feel like your desire to 'work things out' stems, not from genuine desire for HIM, but for the desire to have a perfect little life with your child's natural father. You say you can't "picture yourself with anyone else" but you need to ask yourself, why is that, really? And answer honestly. Is it HIM, you miss or the idea of having an in-tact family? It doesn't sound like he wants to be there, and between his possibly feeling trapped, your lack of significant bond (outside of your child) and his family's hostility toward you, I'd say it's best just to let go. Reecognize that just because you had a kid with someone (unfortunately) does not mean you were meant to be, or even that pursuing a relationship with his is either desirable or in your (or your child's) best interests. 4
LifeGoesOnMan Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/366654-caliguy-no-contact-guide-updated http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/84894-guide-second-chances now go, make haste. 1
Zahara Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Now that I have vented, I will say that even after all of this crap and how his family treats me, I wish we could work things out. Every time I say something, he says he loves me but he doesn't know what he wants to do because emotions are high. I feel like my gut is telling me to move on...but I really cant picture myself with anyone else. I need advice...help...whatever you can give me. I already see a psychiatrist weekly (since my ex's indiscretions) and I am on medications. I just can't seem to say "his loss". It's time for you to focus on your son and make a life for both you and him. You can't picture yourself with anyone else because you are clouded and emotionally wrapped by this guy. We all feel that way when in the pits of emotions but when the fog clears, you realize it was awfully shortsighted to believe that you could never see yourself with another. If you had him come into your life, chances are in the span of your entire lifetime, there will be others. Don't shortchange yourself, and most importantly, stop putting him on a pedestal. Romanticize him all you want, he isn't that great.
Author Sedona78 Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 Everything you said makes sense. I just wish I could get it through my thick skull and TRULY believe it. At this point, he is more worried about the child support (money) than even seeing his son.
Author Sedona78 Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/breaks-breaking-up/366654-caliguy-no-contact-guide-updated http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/second-chances/84894-guide-second-chances now go, make haste. Also @LifeGoesOnMan---I can't just have "no contact" because we have a young child. Just saying...that makes it even worse.
Zahara Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Also @LifeGoesOnMan---I can't just have "no contact" because we have a young child. Just saying...that makes it even worse. You have contact only when he wants to see his son -- as in making arrangements -- what time, where, etc. You have limited contact but in the strict boundaries of talking only when it comes to your son. Nothing else.
LifeGoesOnMan Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 (edited) Also @LifeGoesOnMan---I can't just have "no contact" because we have a young child. Just saying...that makes it even worse. the only contact you should should only pertain to your son, and your son alone. its going to hurt and such & such, but you shouldn't say anything at all about the relationship. not that I had a kid with my ex, but I did work with her, and did have to see her everyday throughout our break up for 5-6 months until she found a new job. you can do it too, everything short & sweet and nothing about the relationship, that is, if you want to heal. Edited February 28, 2014 by LifeGoesOnMan
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