arrowg Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 (edited) I need some sound advice. I am recently married(Oct. 2013) and something is dreadfully wrong. My wife and I met 13 yrs ago and became friends and almost lovers. At the time (2001) we met at work and immediately hit it off. When we met she was in an unhappy relationship and we spent some time together before things began to get heated between us and she decided it best to stop the friendship because she had guilt of having feelings for me at that time. We went our seperate ways and really didnt communicate for another 11 yrs or so. I had a child with a woman and she had a child with the man she was with when we met. Their relationship ended in 2007 due to domestic violence issues with this man. At this point she went on to date other men but didnt ever marry any of them, mostly just sexual partners and most of them men from her work that would be flings or booty calls. Fast forward to 2012, I contacted her to really just say hello and see how things were in her life. We started to communicate and things got heavy quick. We lived on opposite coasts and met for a rendezvous in Chicago one night and decided we would like to pursue the relationship further. At that time she was just getting out of here first real relationship in 5 yrs with someone she met at work. She apparently was trying to get out o this relationship for quite some time but this man was too persistent and she continued to stay with him? I still not certain why. We started talking again in March of 2012 and she was still communicating with this man and having sex with him as well, completely unknown to me until he told me via a phone call after he found my contact info looking through her phone. I was floored. Meanwhile, I was single and thought she was as well. At any rate we talked through it as she had told this man as she was having sex with him! about me. Shortly after this we started to spend more time together and I moved to the east coast to live with her and her son. Things at first were great, the past behind us but as all relationships there were problems. About six months into our relationship she went out with some friends for our engagement celebration and she got quite intoxicated and "kissed" a friend of a friend (male). The whole evening I couldnt get ahold of her until until she showed up at 5 am drunk and apologetic, claiming she slept at her girlfriends and nothing else was said. Two days went by and she told what had happened but I was suspicious because her story didn't add up. She was texting this man without my knowledge when she left for work, at work and on the way home but never to my knowledge. I asked to see her phone and she showed me 4 messages, turns out they exchanged 198 over the course of three days and she deleted them all! (I found this out by looking at a phone bill) so she lied about that, when confronting her, she claimed it was simply a jokingly talk to each other and thats it. Meanwhile, her ex just previous was still in constant contact with her without my knowledge:( texts, emails, etc...so, we tried to work through that. We continued to stay together with ups an downs and I started drinking quite a bit to hide my confusion and pain, but never reached out to anyone except a few friends. I ultimately quit and we worked through that and decided to get married. Every once and while, I look at her text messages because the trust factor is huge, but I see things that disturb me. Most of it small talk between coworkers and friends but there are one or two things that worry me. There is talk of her being attracted to her friends boyfriend and something about a trip they have plan all together that doesnt involve me or her son at all. Meanwhile she claims she is happy up until a month ago where she felt our sex life has dwindled and she is not happy, ironically this started just after she met her friends boyfriend, who doesnt reside near us but isnt beyond reach. Sp the other night after a small argument over dinner she claimed she wanted to get divorced and that nothing has gotten better after two years but then decided we should stay together after all, she does this alot and it completely messes with my mind. I spend alot of time with her son and take care him more than she does, I am constantly working on the house, make her food for work, start her car in the cold, rub her back when she is sore, do many things without asking a single thing in return, why would I? she is my wife? but yet, there is no even exchange or communication about the elephant in the room. I love her and I always will, more than I have anyone and her son (the boy and I are very close). Ive become useful in some ways but not in others. I feel alone, afraid, sad, frustrated and feel left in the dark about these conversations she has with her friends about things. To top it all off, she has claimed that I am sneaki g behind her back at times seeing other women, with what time I ask? My phone is always right there and with no password ready to be looked through and investigated. The burning question? what the hell is going on? I have asked her but I get nothing, am I just blind by love? denial? im simply lost here:( Edited February 28, 2014 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
TAV Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I quote you: ' I ultimately quit and we worked through that and decided to get married. Every once and while, I look at her text messages because the trust factor is huge, but I see things that disturb me.' The Trust Factor is indeed a huge thing. If it's gone and when you've tried but can't get it back there is no point really. She sounds like a serial cheater, you deserve more. I understand the whole bond thing you have with her son but I do not know of any marriages that are happy when people have stayed together for the kids.
Author arrowg Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 (edited) I dont want to agree, but I do, she is a serial cheater. I find it interesting how she accuses me of it too, I just dont cheat, its not who I am. She is also always claiming I dont love her enough and does nothing to improve our sex life she claims to want to work on. When I asked her she doesnt make an effort she says she has little to no self-esteem, therefore, I either deal with it or leave. Amazing how hurtful that is. It feels she is constantly looking for ways to be upset with me which leads to splitting up, yet she never follows through? because "she loves me". I realize love doesnt cure all but if you really love someone do they not deserve the truth. I have many times thought of installing software to her phone or something of the like to find out the real truth, but I am just trying to be the bigger person and respect her privacy. Edited February 28, 2014 by arrowg
Zimber Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 You married a headcase there friend. Worse, you married her knowing her very low qualities. Don't think you'll ever fix this. My advice is to start to plan an exit strategy. You need a plan. Ultimately, she won't leave you, just use you and waste your life. That is unless she finds a better slave to take care of her kid and home repairs. I think you should also pay a little more attention to the ultimate question... Why wound any person allow themself to be treated so poorly. Think you should focus on yourself. Save yourself friend. Z.
TAV Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 The reason why she accuses you of cheating too is projection; she thinks everyone has her own low qualities. 2
Author arrowg Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 i have never claimed to be a victim but over time i am realizing that to be the case. which is just heartbreaking and devastating. i guess i have always tried to be optimistic and have hope and look forward at good possibilities but things have become so toxic. i tend to be too forgiving at times and always hope for the best, thats my own conviction. ive always known cheaters are the worst accusers and at times have been made to feel guilty of simply nothing. i am a very strong willed man with problems like everyone but i have a code when it comes to commitment, i guess some people dont share those qualities. i am mainly hurt more than anything. im not even certain what to say to her. should i confront her or just take it for what it is and move on?
Art_Critic Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Arrow, you have been married only a couple of months and this is happening. This is supposed to be the honeymoon period of the relationship where the love is there to move onto the next stage, it seems she doesn't love you like you love her. I'm sorry... it has to hurt to hear that and feel it too... IMO you should be looking at the endgame here and looking at checking out of this and getting a divorce, she wasn't ready to be your wife. Take care 2
Author arrowg Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 you are right, the last time i tried to confront her about other men, i was slapped across the left side of my face...oh boy.
Zimber Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Then just pack your stuff some afternoon and move out. Not a word be said. No point, you're not dealing with an honest person. Start getting your life together and for goodness sakes, just say not to LDR's and whirlwind relationships. Next time, screen screen screen. Regarding commitment... Think of it this way, you are committed to the marriage. Marriage is a contract of sorts. She voided the contract. Thats it. This truly is a sad story. The only way a story could be worse is if you didn't get out and wasted years in pain. Z
Author arrowg Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 thank you all for your words of advice. im deeply troubled by just leaving because i dont want to leave the boy hurt once again. so many men have come in and out of his life so quickly. its sad but i realize its not my full responsibility to make sure hes happy, but as his loving step-father my heart breaks to have to say goodbye. he is under 10 and has seen so much disappointment in hos young life:( i love him as if he is my own. regarding commitment i realize there has been a contract broken, its an awful feeling to be at this point. i guess we all here on this forum because we have either experienced troubled relationships or have witnessed them at some point, its unfortunate , but comforting to know others do understand. i feel as if my feet are being swept and ive been reluctant to face this truth for quite sometime being she has called wolf so many times, its simply exhausting anymore. she is always making this about me and my faults, saying im the one with too many problems and i am not ready to be a family man. ive given everything i have to these two, its really breaks a man to see it was not worth much to the ones you care for an love the most. i do have self respect and love but it has really broken me down.
notbroken Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Sorry for the situation you are in. If you are having these issues so soon, imagine 20 years from now when she is still doing the same thing and you have children, mortgage, etc, etc. She is a serial cheater and unlikely to stop. I'm afraid you'd have a lifetime of cheating, dishonesty, and hiding things with her. Distrust doesn't make for a great marriage. That's for sure.
writergal Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 OP, if/when you do decide to go through with a legal separation with divorce as the end goal, you can still have that close bond with your step-son. You don't have to lose that bond with him just because his mom is a serial cheater. And I do think she's projecting her issues on to you so that she doesn't have to face them in herself. I dated a guy 5 years ago who did the same thing to me. He cheated on his wife which led to their divorce, and then cheated on his string of girlfriends that included me, with the same woman he cheated on his wife with, whom he married but is now getting a divorce from (initiated by her as karma would have it), because he cheated on her with a different woman. While I dated him, he constantly projected his cheating and paranoia on to me, esp. when I found evidence of his cheating via text messages on his cellphone. Instead of copping to his cheating, he tried to deflect, accusing me of spying and tried to create a fight about that. But I stuck to my guns and told him he can't lie about evidence on his own phone. And that was that. You deserve more from your wife than she is capable of giving you. If she won't agree to marriage counseling with you, then I'm sorry but you need to think of yourself and your own needs. Life is too short to waste it being with the wrong people for the right reasons (her son, for example). You loved her genuinely and you gave the marriage 100% but yet she's cheated and lied about it throughout it all with you. Is that someone you think you deserve to be with? You deserve better.
oldshirt Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 You got played by a player. You knew she was screwing multiple men and having multiple flings and such. Just think about all th stuff she was doing that you didn't know about. You were played as the chump that took care of the house, pages the bills and helped raise her boy while she had her fun with other men. Start working on a divorce plan and exit plan. She will not change her ways as this is her core character. It is too ba for the boy but it is his mother that has created that life for him and ultimately her responsibility to look out for his wellbeing. You are the only one responsible for your wellbeing so that needs to be your primary responsibility. Keep your exit plans as secret as possible and don't fck her. She is going to get pregnant if she thinks you're leaving. You want to be gone before she gets knocked up and make sure you get DNA testing the moment she does. The catch is some courts don't care who the biological father and consider the husband in the home as the one liable for the support so make sure are our the door before she turns up positive. Get STD tested too. You are only seeing the tip of the ice berg here. There is a lot more going on here and it is quite dark and sinister.
Quiet Storm Posted March 5, 2014 Posted March 5, 2014 I am so sorry. You and her son are unfortunately the collateral damage of her emotional issues and selfish choices. The kid needs you. If you leave, please don't give up on him. You can escape her. He can't. You may be the only normal person in his life. 1
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