Is this something that will always dictate who I am with?

[melell]

I have always been most attracted to 'bad boys'.

I have no idea why, but people that seem to have no fears always appeal to me.

 

The same goes for people that in the face of something scary hold their heads up instead of run away.

 

I don't even mean a specific type of bad boy, I have been attracted to very quiet 'bad' types before.

 

There is this particular person I am really fond of, I have known them for a long time. This person is really manly, strong etc. but rather shy, almost a little bit timid. They play a sport professionally, and are associated with 'toughness'. But to me, because they are not all guns blazing, reckless, bad, I don't find them as appealing.

 

I know this all sounds really bizarre..

But I don't want to be with someone bad, I have before for a long time and it was nothing but stress and heartache. I was seriously uncomfortable 99% of the time.

 

I want to know if there is potential for me to ever really love someone that doesn't initially appeal to me. Or if there is a way I can stop feeling attraction to that particular type of person?

 

I can't think of any reason why I like it. Only that I am a bit reserved and overly logical myself, so those confident reckless types make me feel lively or something.

[topaMAXX]

You sound very immature.

 

Hopefully, you are either young or don't plan on getting married. Because, unless you change your preferences, I doubt things will work out for you in the end.

[melell]

You sound very immature.

 

Hopefully, you are either young or don't plan on getting married. Because, unless you change your preferences, I doubt things will work out for you in the end.

It isn't immature for me to say that this is what I initially find appealing and how might I avoid being attracted to this type of person.

 

I am not actively seeking a relationship with the 'bad' type, I am actively avoiding it.

 

I am hesitant to proceed with a relationship with someone who I don't find appealing initially, because I don't want to waste anyone's time.

 

In light of all of that I remain, by choice, single.

 

I am 26, was previously in a relationship for 7+ years. I have a masters degree, and will be finished with study completely within 6 months. I would like to be with someone again following finishing, but I am concerned that if attraction isn't there initially- things will dissolve pretty quickly. This makes me think my only option is to stay single.

 

Thanks for your judgment on my maturity though, topamaxx..

[Weezy1973]

I have always been most attracted to 'bad boys'.

I have no idea why, but people that seem to have no fears always appeal to me.

 

The same goes for people that in the face of something scary hold their heads up instead of run away.

 

I don't even mean a specific type of bad boy, I have been attracted to very quiet 'bad' types before.

 

There is this particular person I am really fond of, I have known them for a long time. This person is really manly, strong etc. but rather shy, almost a little bit timid. They play a sport professionally, and are associated with 'toughness'. But to me, because they are not all guns blazing, reckless, bad, I don't find them as appealing.

 

I know this all sounds really bizarre..

But I don't want to be with someone bad, I have before for a long time and it was nothing but stress and heartache. I was seriously uncomfortable 99% of the time.

 

I want to know if there is potential for me to ever really love someone that doesn't initially appeal to me. Or if there is a way I can stop feeling attraction to that particular type of person?

 

I can't think of any reason why I like it. Only that I am a bit reserved and overly logical myself, so those confident reckless types make me feel lively or something.

 

I am of the opinion that not everyone is built to be in a relationship. We can freely admit other things really easily (no musical ability, bad at math, not athletic etc.) but why can't people just say - you know what, relationships aren't my thing...

 

OP if you're not attracted to men with good relationship qualities, it is likely you're not good relationship material yourself. Nothing to be ashamed of at all. Just go with it. Stick with being true to yourself and pursue the men (and whatever else) your heart desires. Don't let the pressure of our society / culture / family dictate what you should be attracted to.

[topaMAXX]

It isn't immature for me to say that this is what I initially find appealing and how might I avoid being attracted to this type of person.

 

I am not actively seeking a relationship with the 'bad' type, I am actively avoiding it.

 

I am hesitant to proceed with a relationship with someone who I don't find appealing initially, because I don't want to waste anyone's time.

 

In light of all of that I remain, by choice, single.

 

I am 26, was previously in a relationship for 7+ years. I have a masters degree, and will be finished with study completely within 6 months. I would like to be with someone again following finishing, but I am concerned that if attraction isn't there initially- things will dissolve pretty quickly. This makes me think my only option is to stay single.

 

Thanks for your judgment on my maturity though, topamaxx..

 

Well, you don't seem to be attracted to guys that will make stable relationship partners.

 

I used to be the guy that you describe as being attracted to. I used to have a Mustang that I raced a lot (and eventually totaled). I did tons of drugs (though, not habitually). I was very spontaneous and always up for a good time. Women that I dated always commented that they never knew what I was thinking.

 

Now, I don't do any of that. I have a stable 6 figure job. I work all day, go to the gym afterwards, and after that, work on my Spanish. Sometimes, I go out on the weekend with my friends and meet girls.

 

I am very predictable. I grew up. I'm your age.

 

Needless to say, the guy that I was before didn't settle down. I hadn't had an exclusive girlfriend in 8 years. I was wild and just wanted sex.

 

Now, I'm seriously looking for a girlfriend. I am stable and no longer exciting, but I would make a WAY better boyfriend than the guy I used to be.

 

Just saying.

[Candice Luna]

OP,

I was like you for most of my life.

I was only attracted to bad boys since I was a teenager, but the more I approached the 30s, the more I grew bored with them. I think I had enough relationships to get that out of my system and start looking for better qualities in men. At 28, I had my last bad boy crush.

Now at 35, I can honestly say that I'm cured

I like good looking guys but I no longer need that extra "edge" that will make me fall for them. With time I learned that "nice" boys can be exciting too if you let them in your life.

 

I'm sure you'll grow out of it in time. Just make sure you open your eyes and try to learn from your past mistakes. It's sad when I see women in their 50s who threw their lives away to be with men who are bad for them. They never learned.

[Noproblem]

You sound very immature.

 

Hopefully, you are either young or don't plan on getting married. Because, unless you change your preferences, I doubt things will work out for you in the end.

 

She is not immature!

[ascendotum]

Stick with your type of guy that really gets your butterflies going. Hopefully next time you do better, and your relationship will will only be crappy 75% of the time.

[pickflicker]

My type aren't bad boys but my type does dictate who I am attracted to. As in, there are commonalities in all the men I fall for.

 

Ditching bad boys is as simple as setting what you believe are an appropriate set of guidelines for how a man should treat you and immediately kicking to the curb all men who violate said guidelines. After you've got that sorted, you can start vetoing men on the qualities you want.

 

You have to get the qualities you don't want under control first.

[melell]

Well, you don't seem to be attracted to guys that will make stable relationship partners.

 

I used to be the guy that you describe as being attracted to. I used to have a Mustang that I raced a lot (and eventually totaled). I did tons of drugs (though, not habitually). I was very spontaneous and always up for a good time. Women that I dated always commented that they never knew what I was thinking.

 

Now, I don't do any of that. I have a stable 6 figure job. I work all day, go to the gym afterwards, and after that, work on my Spanish. Sometimes, I go out on the weekend with my friends and meet girls.

 

I am very predictable. I grew up. I'm your age.

 

Needless to say, the guy that I was before didn't settle down. I hadn't had an exclusive girlfriend in 8 years. I was wild and just wanted sex.

 

Now, I'm seriously looking for a girlfriend. I am stable and no longer exciting, but I would make a WAY better boyfriend than the guy I used to be.

 

Just saying.

 

Thank you for sharing your transition, it is really helpful.

 

The more I think about this the more I think there is nothing to say I wouldn't be happy with someone who was stable, I haven't tried it as an adult.

 

I really do think I am attracted to that bad type of person because I myself am reserved. And maybe it really is only an initial attraction because I do end up really uncomfortable after a short amount of time with that type of person.

While with someone much like you described your prior self being I still managed to make a lot of personal progress, and keep things running smoothly for over 7years, purchase a house together etc, so I always thought I was capable of helping a relationship function.

 

My main reason for bringing this up is that I want to settle down soon. I have done a lot of traveling, experiencing, studying, and now I am ready to relax a bit, children etc. so I really hope I am relationship material in that regard.

 

Thanks again

[melell]

OP,

I was like you for most of my life.

I was only attracted to bad boys since I was a teenager, but the more I approached the 30s, the more I grew bored with them. I think I had enough relationships to get that out of my system and start looking for better qualities in men. At 28, I had my last bad boy crush.

Now at 35, I can honestly say that I'm cured

I like good looking guys but I no longer need that extra "edge" that will make me fall for them. With time I learned that "nice" boys can be exciting too if you let them in your life.

 

I'm sure you'll grow out of it in time. Just make sure you open your eyes and try to learn from your past mistakes. It's sad when I see women in their 50s who threw their lives away to be with men who are bad for them. They never learned.

 

I can actually think of a few people like you mention here, even much older still chasing bad boys. I am glad I asked this question, because it does seem a bit irrational to continue to like something that you don't really like/want for yourself.

 

Thank you Candice, glad I am not necessarily doomed!

[OhThatGirl]

This is not immature at ALL. She's actually quite mature for recognizing her pattern, how it doesn't work for her, and questioning it.

 

OP - I've heard many times that we find attraction in partners that are strong in traits that are underdeveloped in our own personality. This definitely makes sense because you describe yourself as a somewhat reserved and logical person.

 

Now, the unfortunate thing is I haven't heard how to fix it! Lol

 

I guess if we develop those characterstics we find exhilarating we could meet that need ourselves and not feel compelled to experience in through others?

 

I wouldn't advocate being a "bad girl" but maybe learning to let loose a bit, do things spontaneously, push out of your comfort zone a little. Try something new. Agree to something intimidating. Anything that could help you feel a bit more "guns blazing" yourself. You might find that when you see you're able to do it you won't need the partner to carry those characterstics?

 

This is a great thread and full of insight. I wish others were so able to approach personal growth this way. Or should I say... I wish others were just as immature.

[melell]

My type aren't bad boys but my type does dictate who I am attracted to. As in, there are commonalities in all the men I fall for.

 

Ditching bad boys is as simple as setting what you believe are an appropriate set of guidelines for how a man should treat you and immediately kicking to the curb all men who violate said guidelines. After you've got that sorted, you can start vetoing men on the qualities you want.

 

You have to get the qualities you don't want under control first.

 

This does make a lot of sense. I have always looked at the attraction from an emotional perspective, rather than breaking it down. I can say that all the qualities I don't want are exactly what I have experienced with the bad boy type. Pretty simple really.

[melell]

This is not immature at ALL. She's actually quite mature for recognizing her pattern, how it doesn't work for her, and questioning it.

 

OP - I've heard many times that we find attraction in partners that are strong in traits that are underdeveloped in our own personality. This definitely makes sense because you describe yourself as a somewhat reserved and logical person.

 

Now, the unfortunate thing is I haven't heard how to fix it! Lol

 

I guess if we develop those characterstics we find exhilarating we could meet that need ourselves and not feel compelled to experience in through others?

 

I wouldn't advocate being a "bad girl" but maybe learning to let loose a bit, do things spontaneously, push out of your comfort zone a little. Try something new. Agree to something intimidating. Anything that could help you feel a bit more "guns blazing" yourself. You might find that when you see you're able to do it you won't need the partner to carry those characterstics?

 

This is a great thread and full of insight. I wish others were so able to approach personal growth this way. Or should I say... I wish others were just as immature.

 

Ha! Thank you

 

The concept of meeting those needs myself is brilliant. Never thought of it. I really do feel like those types inspire liveliness in me, but there is no real reason why I can't do that for myself. Actually I think that being open to doing that would be helpful for me in a lot of ways. Really, that is helpful point of thought- will stick with me for sure.

[topaMAXX]

Thank you for sharing your transition, it is really helpful.

 

The more I think about this the more I think there is nothing to say I wouldn't be happy with someone who was stable, I haven't tried it as an adult.

 

I really do think I am attracted to that bad type of person because I myself am reserved. And maybe it really is only an initial attraction because I do end up really uncomfortable after a short amount of time with that type of person.

While with someone much like you described your prior self being I still managed to make a lot of personal progress, and keep things running smoothly for over 7years, purchase a house together etc, so I always thought I was capable of helping a relationship function.

 

My main reason for bringing this up is that I want to settle down soon. I have done a lot of traveling, experiencing, studying, and now I am ready to relax a bit, children etc. so I really hope I am relationship material in that regard.

 

Thanks again

 

Maybe you should try a reformed bad boy then. Someone that used to be one, but is now more responsible, but still has a bit of the edge.

 

Maybe you don't like nice guys because they're not as sexually aggressive and confident as bad boys.

[pickflicker]

This does make a lot of sense. I have always looked at the attraction from an emotional perspective, rather than breaking it down. I can say that all the qualities I don't want are exactly what I have experienced with the bad boy type. Pretty simple really.

 

See, I define 'bad boy' as a sh*t who will cheat on you, steal stuff, diss your friends, etc etc.

 

A guy with tatts and who rides a motorbike doesn't equal 'bad boy'.

 

I can meet the nicest guys on the planet, but if they don't have the qualities I'm attracted to, I'm ultimately not going to be interested enough in sleeping with them. One could say I'm rejecting a lot of perfectly nice guys - and that's true. But I know what I like.

 

So, try breaking it down. Start with simple stuff - guys who stand you up, guys who aren't proactive in making plans, guys who flake - be gone. Then look at the next criteria.

[TXGuy]

OP,

I was like you for most of my life.

I was only attracted to bad boys since I was a teenager, but the more I approached the 30s, the more...

 

It's sad when I see women in their 50s who threw their lives away to be with men who are bad for them. They never learned.

 

Its sad when I see men waste their late 30s and early fourtys in a doomed married to some bad-boy chaser that wanted to settle for the provisioner after her best years are behind her.

[melell]

Its sad when I see men waste their late 30s and early fourtys in a doomed married to some bad-boy chaser that wanted to settle for the provisioner after her best years are behind her.

 

I understand this too. Hence my reservations in proceeding with someone who I am not initially attracted to. It doesn't seem fair on the other person at all.

 

But I don't think this poster was 'settling' she specifically said "With time I learned that "nice" boys can be exciting too if you let them in your life".

[Els]

Who was your first guy you had a crush on? Do you think he may have played a part in shaping your future attraction?

 

That being said, desiring someone who isn't shy, afraid, and timid isn't synonymous with desiring true jerks. Plenty of good people are not timid. Or is there more to this 'bad boy' fascination?

 

Have you spoken to a counselor/therapist about it?

[Emilia]

See, I define 'bad boy' as a sh*t who will cheat on you, steal stuff, diss your friends, etc etc.

 

A guy with tatts and who rides a motorbike doesn't equal 'bad boy'.

 

I can meet the nicest guys on the planet, but if they don't have the qualities I'm attracted to, I'm ultimately not going to be interested enough in sleeping with them. One could say I'm rejecting a lot of perfectly nice guys - and that's true. But I know what I like.

 

So, try breaking it down. Start with simple stuff - guys who stand you up, guys who aren't proactive in making plans, guys who flake - be gone. Then look at the next criteria.

This is what I was going to say. I like assertive men because I'm that way myself. They can be a bit single minded and outspoken. There is a difference however between that and some guy who is just argumentative and difficult.

 

There are plenty of decent guys out there OP that are more traditionally masculine but at the same time reliable and have decent character. In fact the more direct, 'alpha' types often treat you better because they are confident in themselves and don't feel they are in some kind of competition with you.

 

Passive isn't necessarily 'nice' either, often quite the opposite.

[pickflicker]

I understand this too. Hence my reservations in proceeding with someone who I am not initially attracted to. It doesn't seem fair on the other person at all.

 

But I don't think this poster was 'settling' she specifically said "With time I learned that "nice" boys can be exciting too if you let them in your life".

 

OP, I've learned:

 

1). If you're physically attracted to someone but don't have much in common, you can make it work.

2). If you're not physically attracted to someone, but emotionally, personality-wise, spiritually, etc etc, in sync, you can make it work.

3). If you're neither physically attracted and have nothing in common, you can't make it work.

 

Food for thought.

[soccerrprp]

I have always been most attracted to 'bad boys'.

I have no idea why, but people that seem to have no fears always appeal to me.

 

The same goes for people that in the face of something scary hold their heads up instead of run away.

 

These are not necessary definitions of 'bad boys.' There's nothing bad about these two characteristics you describe.

 

If by "no fear" you mean petulant, abrasive and irresponsible, then that's bad. Is that what you mean? If so, you have some image problems. Yes, as many will attest, when you grow up and experienced out these 'bad boys' you begin to see that things like stability, responsibility, consistency, loyalty become more important if you already haven't.

 

I describe myself as adventurous. Those characteristics can be attached to such people, not necessarily 'bad.' Sometimes we try to live vicariously through others b/c we are not capable or willing to move beyond our own box. You are more reserved so you are, for now, looking for someone less like yourself, more outwardly, not quite like yourself. At times, though, choosing partners that are the opposite of ourselves is dangerous and unsustainable.

[xxoo]

I am also strongly attracted to men who stand bravely in the face of danger. It makes me feel protected and valued, and it gives me security for the safety of our children. This doesn't need to be physical brute strength, but can be mental strength and resolve.

 

But the is a big difference between a man who can bravely take on danger, and a man who is driven to seek danger. There is a difference between courage and recklessness. The latter actually introduces instability into your life. With him, you are unsafe. The former is sexy as all heck.

 

What qualities are you really turned on by? And how do you recognize them in a man?

[Gaeta]

I have always been most attracted to 'bad boys'.

I have no idea why, but people that seem to have no fears always appeal to me.

 

The same goes for people that in the face of something scary hold their heads up instead of run away.

 

I don't even mean a specific type of bad boy, I have been attracted to very quiet 'bad' types before.

 

There is this particular person I am really fond of, I have known them for a long time. This person is really manly, strong etc. but rather shy, almost a little bit timid. They play a sport professionally, and are associated with 'toughness'. But to me, because they are not all guns blazing, reckless, bad, I don't find them as appealing.

 

I know this all sounds really bizarre..

But I don't want to be with someone bad, I have before for a long time and it was nothing but stress and heartache. I was seriously uncomfortable 99% of the time.

 

I want to know if there is potential for me to ever really love someone that doesn't initially appeal to me. Or if there is a way I can stop feeling attraction to that particular type of person?

 

I can't think of any reason why I like it. Only that I am a bit reserved and overly logical myself, so those confident reckless types make me feel lively or something.

It's a phase and it will pass. It's all part of growing up as an individual and as a woman. When I ended up single at 40 I started dating body builders, omg they rocked my world, but none of them treated me the way I deserved to be treated but yet I kept on going back to these type of men. Like you I was far from being a superficial woman, I had been married many years, a mom, a family person, but somehow these bad boys brought me some excitement missing in my life.

 

After 2 years of this and self rationalization it suddenly ended. I guess I had my fill of one-cell-brain morons with muscles. So trust life, be open to men out there from all types, everything will fall into place, it always does.

[topaMAXX]

It's a phase and it will pass. It's all part of growing up as an individual and as a woman. When I ended up single at 40 I started dating body builders, omg they rocked my world, but none of them treated me the way I deserved to be treated but yet I kept on going back to these type of men. Like you I was far from being a superficial woman, I had been married many years, a mom, a family person, but somehow these bad boys brought me some excitement missing in my life.

 

After 2 years of this and self rationalization it suddenly ended. I guess I had my fill of one-cell-brain morons with muscles. So trust life, be open to men out there from all types, everything will fall into place, it always does.

 

One of my good friends is a doctor and a body builder. He's a Christian and waited until marriage to have sex.

 

I have my masters degree and make 6 figures. I've been getting into body building over the past few months.

 

Most guys I meet at the gym are pretty intelligent down to earth guys.

 

Not sure why body builders get the idiot bad boy stereotypes.

 

Off-topic I know....