littlemermaid Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 So, simply that--in my situation, do you think I need to disclose this? This is what happened, since nowhere yet have I told our full story (I won't go into full detail, but enough to answer the question). We are both married. MOM is one of my best friends' husband. We have known each other 4 years or so, I was friends with her first, then all 4 of us friends, hung out a lot both families. This summer I started to notice him acting flirty with me, but I never thought he was the type of person to take anything further, didn't pay it much attention. She seemed to pick up on his attraction to me also, started only seeing me when he wouldn't be there, activities that would involve all of us, she would cancel at the last minute. Sometimes months would go by and I wouldn't see him but I saw her all the time. At the beginning of January, she went out of town. I called him to see if he wanted to take some cookies that I had off my hands, I had a lot of extra cookies that had been sent to me by family. He said for me to bring them over. I went over there, and things...escalated really quickly. I was just sitting with him on the couch doing nothing, I was looking at a book and he starts saying "We have to be good, we can't do this," and I'm like what is he talking about? because we weren't doing anything. I kept telling him I didn't know what he meant and finally he came out and said, that I should know by now that he's attracted to me, etc., but he's trying to work on his marriage and all this stuff. I told him that our friendship was what mattered and that I wasn't thinking that way about him and that I would leave...and he said, "well, if we are friends and we know that's what's important, that there can't be any affairs, any broken hearts...then will you lay down next to me for a few minutes?" So I laid down with him on the couch and things...progressed the way you might expect. We didn't have sex. we probably would have but I was on my period--I didn't go there with that intention. A lot was said and done, but I kept my clothes on (he did not, he ended up jerking off in front of me while I "talked" to him). After that, he told me that I could come over whenever I wanted (I know the times and days that he is there alone). But that I couldn't call/text anything like that, because she monitors him (I knew that already from her). I left and I didn't see him again for a week, I went by again to check on him to make sure he wasn't freaking out because he had struggled a lot with guilt, and I knew she was coming back soon. He was in the bathtub that time but he let me in, he was getting ready for work and nothing happened, we just talked and he told me he was fine and not freaking out. He seemed fine. The next time I saw him was 3 weeks later, I went there again and he said he was sleeping, he told me to come lay in bed with him and talk. But then he started freaking out and saying that I should leave, that he couldn't do this, he couldn't be a cheater...then he's holding me, laying on top of me, telling me how much he wants me and telling me in very graphic detail all these fantasies that he has been making up about me and him and all the things he wants to do..but then he keeps saying he can't do anything, he can't lose his family, etc. Things were going back and forth and then I had his pants off and was about to go down on him and she called his phone, he freaked out and left the room and told me I had to leave. I got up to leave and was going to the door and he was like "Wait...come sit with me," he was sitting on the couch, wanted me to sit on his lap and he started telling me some more things that he wants to do, etc...his phone was in his pocket and it started vibrating again and he got upset again and this time I said I was really leaving and I wasn't coming back again. He told me that I could still come back, I told him why would I, we can't be friends because he says that whenever he sees me he wants me too much and freaks out. So he agreed that fine, it wasn't the best idea then. And I left. So that is all that has happened between us, those encounters. Do I need to confess this, if we are over now? He and his wife are moving out of the country in the fall, and it's unlikely we will see them again after that. I don't want to ruin his life, he is truly terrified to lose his wife and daughter. If I told my husband, I think he would be furious at first, but he could forgive me. I don't think his wife could forgive this. I don't want to ruin his life. What is the right thing to do? What would you do?
NotOW35 Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Do not go over there again...at all. Because they are moving far away and this affair of short duration is over, I think you shouldn't tell the wife. At least the dude was sort of trying to be faithful and values his family. Just leave them alone. As far as your own marriage goes...not sure. How will you feel holding this info to yourself? Since your h is likely to be forgiving perhaps honesty and some counseling would present the best long the best long term outcome. Good luck and stay away from the other couple. 1
sweet_pea Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Yes, she deserves to know the kind of man she is married to and the kind of 'friend' you are, to put it bluntly. She deserves to know in order to make some decisions about her life and if she wants to be with him especially before this big move. Your husband also deserves to know about what you have been doing so he can make the same decisions. 4
IfWishesWereHorses Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 If she's monitoring him you can bet he's a serial cheater. It seems he gets off on doing it under her nose! How badly do you feel you need validation? He can give it, no doubt, with one goal in mind! Don't sacrifice yourself for this! It totally isn't worth it! 2
Author littlemermaid Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 If she's monitoring him you can bet he's a serial cheater. It seems he gets off on that doing it under her nose! How badly do you feel you need validation? He can give it, no doubt, with one goal in mind! Don't sacrifice yourself for this! It totally isn't worth it! she's monitoring him because of something inappropriate he did online, I know all about it because she came to me about it when it happened. As far as either she or I know, he has never done anything to physically cheat (except with me). He tells me that he hasn't (I know that he could well be lying to me, but he seems to be genuinely struggling very badly with his guilt, so I do believe him). Regardless, I'm not going back to him.
Lillyfree Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 what baffles me here is that you seem to have followed every one of his instructions without questioning them. 'sit, get up, go home, no stay, come here and lay down in bed next tome, you have to leave, come cuddle on the couch'... i mean, wtf? and this is with someone you say is your friend, your friend's husband, towards whom you had no attraction and haven't thought of in 'that' way? i really have no opinion on whether you should tell or not, but i do suggest you work out what's going on in your head tbh. 11
waterwoman Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I would tell her. Because it is clear to me that whatever drove him to his online 'something' is still there inside him. If he hasn't actually 'cheated' yet it won't be long till he does. It is clear that he isn't actually 'working on his marriage' if he is obsessed with sex with others. 2
herself Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Its over, let it be and say nothing. Resolve in your heart to move forward and live clean and give 100% to yourself and husband. This was about valudation gratification only for you and him, no love or emotional bond, this is why I say dont speak of it. Please do not ever engage with this man again. 1
ComingInHot Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 ..."things were going back and forth and I had his pants off about to go down on him..." Uhhmmm, really?! In your OP you kinda came off to me like you had no thought or intention of sex and was just being "a friend" bringing over extra cookies you made. You wrote as if you were innocently taken back and sincerely surprised at his attraction to you and conflict about it, then immediately after his surprise disclosure to you, you "went for him". Then went for him again. And again. And I Think, AGAIN. Sounds like while he was at least "struggling" (I think actually manipulating an easy target), you may have some SERIOUS Boundary Issues. Why, if you were so surprised by his confession of 'wanting you', and you And Your H being Friends with Both of them, were you not Totally mortified by his advances? Why did you dive right in? I actually don't know What you should do about telling His Wife (your "friend")... I mean what would you say honestly?! Would you be able to tell her the truth that you wrote and I quoted above? How about that truth to Your H?? It just doesn't come across very pretty for you. Have you ever considered speaking with a professional First? Maybe work through your issues before bringing in a bunch of other people into issues and situations you yourself may not be able to accept and handle? Good luck OP. I hope things go well for your future* 4
gettingstronger Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Yes, before they move let her know what happened but make sure she is aware of your role in it-you knew he was attracted to you (and you to him I am thinking) yet when she was out of town you decided to bring him some "extra cookies"- understand this for what it was, an opportunity to go see him while she was gone-she needs to know a few things 1. her husband has boundary issues 2. not everyone that smiles at you is your friend 3. she needs to be more careful of who she befriends as she tries to work on her marriage (if thats what she wants to do) perhaps the fall out from the disclosure will help you see your actions in a clearer light- help you understand that you also manipulated the situation and see you were far from innocent in this- this will help you with your own boundary issues because to put yourself in the position you did with a friend is something you really need to think about- Good luck on being a healthier, better you!
Realist3 Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 They are moving away. Just let it go. Nothing positive will come out of this for anyone. You seem t be more than willing to have an affair. That is something you want to think about for yourself. 1
Lernaean_Hydra Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I'm torn. If things had progressed further I'd definitely say she deserves to know, but because he had the good sense/crisis of conscience to stop things short. Would I want to know of every little transgression my S/O engaged in? No. Not if it didn't progress to full on sexual intercourse. I think telling now, at this point would just cause unnecessary hurt. In reality, he was a horny guy who engaged in some very questionable behavior but got a hold of himself just in time. And frankly (while I hate to encourage selfishness) do you, in your heart, really feel this is something worth totally obliterating your friendship over? I had a friend whose boyfriend (very) occasionally got drunk and got a little suggestive/flirtatious but I knew that to tell her about these one-off incidents would ruin everything. He was a good guy who was (briefly) tempted by the allure of the forbidden but knew enough to reign himself in, in time.
Sub Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I've heard this before, and I'm not trying to be snarky: How is a guy spontaneously masturbating in front of you while you watch not a little bit of a red flag? 3
Realist3 Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 What do you mean red flag? She wanted to blow him. 1
Sub Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 She was just talking to him while he did it. The first time they hooked up. Either way, the right thing is to disclose. I'd say that losing a friend in the process would be enough to keep it quiet, but how good a friend is she if you're willing to hook up with her H?
Realist3 Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 They are moving away. It is the end. All disclosing would do is ad misery.
Secret Advisor Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 You have unburdened yourself here. There is nothing to be gained by telling anyone else.
ComingInHot Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I still think she should TOTALLY Tell... A professional Psychologist. After reading her OP, there could be many issues she should be acknowledging then dealing with. 2
Sub Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I understand the "disclosure will only cause misery" angle. One thing the OP may want to consider, though: If this is an issue with her friend and the MOM in the future, and he discloses, she may get thrown under the bus. If she gets out in front of this, and is honest with her H and her friend, it may save her both relationships in the long run.
Author littlemermaid Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 I understand the "disclosure will only cause misery" angle. One thing the OP may want to consider, though: If this is an issue with her friend and the MOM in the future, and he discloses, she may get thrown under the bus. If she gets out in front of this, and is honest with her H and her friend, it may save her both relationships in the long run. This is actually a real concern of mine, I know for a fact that he cracks and admits things very easily under pressure, and when she suspects something, she will pressure him until he does crack. So there is a very real chance that if she ever suspects anything, he will disclose and of course he will throw me under the bus at that point. And she isn't dumb, she already has an intuition about him and me that is not good.
Sub Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Yeah, I was going to say it could depend on how safe you think the secret is on his end. If he's a loose cannon, and she's already a little curious, you may have a problem. Obviously, you'd know better than anyone. If your gut tells you he'll crack in the future, I'd disclose.
Author littlemermaid Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 Yeah, I was going to say it could depend on how safe you think the secret is on his end. If he's a loose cannon, and she's already a little curious, you may have a problem. Obviously, you'd know better than anyone. If your gut tells you he'll crack in the future, I'd disclose. Thanks. It's definitely a big consideration. I know his #1 priority is to keep his family intact, but I also know how easily he breaks down and tells. So I think he would tell if she started to put the pressure on, but heap it all on me, and it's easy enough to do so, when I was the one who came to him every time. Done, takes the blame right off him.
Realist3 Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Thanks. It's definitely a big consideration. I know his #1 priority is to keep his family intact, but I also know how easily he breaks down and tells. So I think he would tell if she started to put the pressure on, but heap it all on me, and it's easy enough to do so, when I was the one who came to him every time. Done, takes the blame right off him. You are in for a world of hurt if you tell a soul.
txgrl Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 i would say stay away from him at all costs.Let sleeping dogs lie. When they've moved, they're out of your life. Don't keep in touch. if the W already suspects something like she said, she'd be happy to not have you in their lives. move on, you made a mistake, learn and let go.
Sub Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 The most important thing here is the relationship you have with your H. The MOM's marriage shouldn't be your main concern. If you think your H will be furious at first, then forgive, I think the healthy thing to do is disclose to him, and work on your own M. 1
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