sleeplessinslc Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 What is your experience? It seems to me that with men- they fall in love fast and hard- while women- at least me and some others I know- are more complex in choosing a potential mate. There are so many things for women to consider- while with men- at least with men I dated and know- they just fall in love, period. Like to me, it mattered that he has a stable job, we connect intellectually, we have common interests - it's important to me that I get to know someone before jumping into a relationship- but with guys, it seems like- none of those are really important? This guy I'm dating right now- even before he got to know me, even before we had intellectual conversations or even before we discovered we had common interests, he had already declared that he's in love with me. Is this more of a personality thing rather than built-in differences between men and women?
somedude81 Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I've also heard that men fall in love quicker and more deeply than women do. I also wouldn't be surprised if women were more likely to fall out of love than men. It's well known that women initiate the vast majority of divorces. It's around 72% if not higher. For women, love seems to be a fantasy spread around by Disney and Hollywood and then end up being disappointed when reality doesn't match that fantasy that they expected. 1
Keenly Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 In my experience, they have fallen in love with me faster, but I seem to be the only one who beloved loyalty is a big part of love. 2
serial muse Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Is this more of a personality thing rather than built-in differences between men and women? Yes (ten chars) 1
BradJacobs Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 If you're experiences are this narrow then you certainly have a "type". People are different, move at different speeds for different reasons and love means different things to them. I fell in love fast once in my life and I am nearing 40. It was a complete shock to me especially considering my past. 2
Author sleeplessinslc Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 did some research and apparently - men and women do fall in love differently. The Rules Revisited: Men Don't Fall in Love the Same Way Women Do The important thing to recognize is that you cannot expect (much less make) a man gradually fall in love with you in the same way that you might fall in love with a man. It doesn't work that way for us. Male romantic love is something that either starts early and continues, or else doesn't start at all. How true is this, men?
Candy_Pants Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 *People* love differently. Gender means nothing. 4
kodakgirl Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I fall hard and fast (though not often) and very, very loyally. I started falling in love with my ex the first night we met (in a not-at-all-dating context), was head over heels by the second time (plus some communication in between) and loved him with all my heart for three years. It took two more to totally get over it. I started falling in love with someone this summer, and had to consciously try to slow myself down (HE was the one who adored me at first then lost interest). Took six months to get over two months of dating. I know I'm not typical in any way, and actually I feel I really need to work on this tendency of mine, but just wanted to note that I'm a woman who falls hard and fast and deep (my advice: don't). 3
Allumere Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 (edited) My experience is that the men fall hard...but the minute the relationship transitions and any weaknesses are seen they will bale/turn off as quickly. I have seen this with men I have dated and among some male friends. I don't think that is across the board however because I have spoken to men that moved much slower, recognized the attraction phase as just that. Edited February 28, 2014 by Allumere 1
Ruby Slippers Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I fall in love hard and fast or it's not going to happen. In a romantic sense, I've never grown to love someone more over time. Of course you get to know them better after cupid's arrow hits you, and that will either deepen the love or disturb it. I feel like I've fallen in love twice, and in both cases, it happened very fast. And though I'm not with either of those two guys anymore, if either of them ever needs help or anything, I'll do whatever I can to be there for them. (Of course, I won't let my future love be disturbed.) They were that important to me, and earned a certain degree of respect and reverence that I'll carry to the grave. 5
topaMAXX Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I (guy) start to fall quickly, but I find that women really don't. Most women generally just use me for sex and want nothing more from me, unfortunately. 1
isisisweeping Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 If it's an informal survey, I'm a woman.... I fall in love slowly, seeing traits over time and experiences, but very deeply and fall out slowly as well... and there's always a little love and loyalty remaining. 2
LEEVIT2F8 Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 The important thing to recognize is that you cannot expect (much less make) a man gradually fall in love with you in the same way that you might fall in love with a man. It doesn't work that way for us. Male romantic love is something that either starts early and continues, or else doesn't start at all. How true is this, men? This is 100% true for me. I have dated hundreds of women over the years. My H.S. sweetheart I dated about 2 years and fell for her immediately. My ex-wife I was with over 14 years and fell for her inside of a week. And the girl I am currently seeing are the only 3 that ever made me smile on the inside. All the rest just never gave me that feeling. Its hard to explain but very easy to recognize. Even my mistress that I had for a few years and I really enjoyed being with never gave me that true feeling. 1
serial muse Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 did some research and apparently - men and women do fall in love differently. The Rules Revisited: Men Don't Fall in Love the Same Way Women Do The important thing to recognize is that you cannot expect (much less make) a man gradually fall in love with you in the same way that you might fall in love with a man. It doesn't work that way for us. Male romantic love is something that either starts early and continues, or else doesn't start at all. How true is this, men? This guy is just some random blowhard with a blog. Who cares what he, personally, thinks? His opinions aren't research. 2
carhill Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 What is your experience? It seems to me that with men- they fall in love fast and hard- while women- at least me and some others I know- are more complex in choosing a potential mate. There are so many things for women to consider- while with men- at least with men I dated and know- they just fall in love, period. In my demographic, if you snooze, you lose. If a man analyzes, another man swoops in and acts. Like to me, it mattered that he has a stable job, we connect intellectually, we have common interests - it's important to me that I get to know someone before jumping into a relationship- but with guys, it seems like- none of those are really important? I like this, and practiced it for my first 15 or so years as an adult, to disastrous results. Women were rarely single long enough to date, much less 'get to know' at a leisurely pace. This guy I'm dating right now- even before he got to know me, even before we had intellectual conversations or even before we discovered we had common interests, he had already declared that he's in love with me. Is this more of a personality thing rather than built-in differences between men and women? I can sympathize because such words and actions may, on the surface, seem fake and rushed and, in some cases, that certainly can be the case. From my experience, I would have to opine it's more personality than built-in differences. Men are pragmatists, in general, but each man is unique as to his style of pursuing and taking a mate. That said, if one wishes to wade against the tide of what other men are doing and what women in that demographic are choosing and valuing, one does so at their own risk. I had to alter my personality to succeed in the local dating market and eventually get married. Did I like doing that? No! But it was either adapt and overcome or be alone. After many years of being alone, I made that decision. Looking back, it was probably short-sighted but that's what life is about, learning. Good luck! 2
serial muse Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 hes not wrong... i could post links upon links of websites with research that are proof of his "opinions" and my experience of how women love comes down to one word hypergamy Oh sure. Confirmation bias is highly convincing. LS is full of people postulating theories - which tend to amusingly conflict with one another. For example, your hypergamy theory, which you suggest is the same as the op or the blog's viewpoint, but is actually completely in conflict with them! I'm guessing that, despite this patent illogic, you also claim "men" in general are more logical, based on personal experience (which would also be in conflict with hypergamy, by the way). Whatever. The only reasoned stance is that it comes down to individuals. OP, you apparently like to date a type. There's your answer. Look within. 1
Author sleeplessinslc Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 Lmfao. There's no such thing as "love". At least in the initial stages of dating. What that man who said he's fallen in love with you meant was that he's lusting after you. Period. Well "love" in the context of having romantic feelings. English is funny. We "love" boyfriends and ice cream.
RedRobin Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 To me, 'love' is not a feeling. Sure, you can have the hots for someone.... you can be attracted to them. That's not love. Any guy who claims to 'love' me very soon has issues, and IMHO, not someone I'd trust in a LTR. To my ear, its some gobbeldy gook designed to get me to eff them ASAP or fulfill some romantic fantasy that has nothing to do with who I am as a person. God help the guy who actually falls for me fast. He's got some water to tread, bless his heart. 1
soccerrprp Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Lmfao. There's no such thing as "love". At least in the initial stages of dating. What that man who said he's fallen in love with you meant was that he's lusting after you. Period. I would like to PROFOUNDLY disagree with this. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I think it's true that the deep romantic falling in love happens for most (all?) men very fast. I think the blog linked to is correct in that if it doesn't happen within a month, it's never going to happen. The long term attachment love takes longer to grow, and if a guy makes a practical decision to be with a woman long term, it's not that hard to develop long term attachment, as long as she's not an unloving woman. Now that I've experienced the difference between the deep romantic love that hits you like an explosion and aftershocks for years or decades, and practical love that grows slowly over time and is more like a broken-in warm blanket, I can't see myself settling for less than the deep and all-consuming love. I've had a few good opportunities to make a practical commitment to a good guy who would be a decent husband and father, but I feel like that would be untrue to myself, unfair to everybody involved. My heart has to be in it, or I feel like I'm just going through the motions. And his heart has to be in it, or he won't light up that romantic magic that makes love something more than friendship. 2
soccerrprp Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I feel like I've fallen in love twice, and in both cases, it happened very fast. And though I'm not with either of those two guys anymore, if either of them ever needs help or anything, I'll do whatever I can to be there for them. On the surface this sounds admirable, but it also justifies the question why you are unable to let these men go so that they do not become an impediment to your present and future. I suspect that, I don't know you of course, that your ability to maintain reasonable and sensitive boundaries would be in question and therefore, not a good candidate for a future bf if either of these men ever reared their heads. Just my thoughts.... (Of course, I won't let my future love be disturbed.) They were that important to me, and earned a certain degree of respect and reverence that I'll carry to the grave. Not certain what you mean by "disturbed," but it certainly doesn't sound like you've moved on from your exes. If given the opportunity, regardless of your status, would you try to get back with them? What circumstances resulted in your breakup (are you only remembering the good and ignoring how *****ty these guys were to you?) I must admit that since dating, people who still admire their exes and have made little or no attempt to move on are the most dangerous people to date. 2
Shosh Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I don't think men fall faster in love, but they might fall faster in lust, or at least are more vocal about it. Women seem to be more guarded or rational in the beginning. Of course much of this changes once they become physical, which seems to be the time when the men 'relax' and loose some of their urgency whereas women get more attached, possibly due to endorphins. So many times when I meet a guy he comes on really strong and seems to be totally into me - sometimes even using the love word - within a few days or weeks. But as fast as they fall in love they seem to fall out of love. When I was younger I thought they actually DID love me and allowed myself to fall as hard and fast as them. When they changed their minds a few weeks or months later it really hurt and shocked me. Nowadays I simply don't take their actions and words seriously in the first few weeks. They might contact me a few times per day, want to see me near daily and don't stop talking about how happy I make them. I try to not let that get to me and simply accept this as their hormones or lust talking until at least 2-3 months have passed and they still act as interested as in the beginning. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 On the surface this sounds admirable, but it also justifies the question why you are unable to let these men go so that they do not become an impediment to your present and future. I've moved on and am dating again. I'm friends and business partners with one of these guys, and anyone I date with any degree of seriousness knows that. When I say I'll be there for them if they really need something, I mean they can call me to talk if a parent dies or they're going through a really tough time and need advice. I've never once let a past relationship interfere with a new one. I'm also open and transparent about these matters, so I would definitely tell my man that my ex got in touch and make sure he wasn't bothered or threatened by it before responding. If he had a problem with it, it wouldn't happen. And the two guys I regard in this way are the same kind of people. My last boyfriend told me that if he succeeds in starting his own business and making a lot of money, he'd like to send one big, lump-sum voluntary alimony to the couple of women he's dated seriously, because he never wants them to struggle. I understand this mentality. Even if things didn't work out, love is the greatest gift. That's why men who truly loved me will always retain a certain degree of respect from me. 1
Under The Radar Posted March 1, 2014 Posted March 1, 2014 To me, 'love' is not a feeling. Sure, you can have the hots for someone.... you can be attracted to them. That's not love. Any guy who claims to 'love' me very soon has issues, and IMHO, not someone I'd trust in a LTR. To my ear, its some gobbeldy gook designed to get me to eff them ASAP or fulfill some romantic fantasy that has nothing to do with who I am as a person. God help the guy who actually falls for me fast. He's got some water to tread, bless his heart. So, knowing what love isn't ...... I'm curious, how do you personally define love? 1
Author sleeplessinslc Posted March 3, 2014 Author Posted March 3, 2014 I must admit that since dating, people who still admire their exes and have made little or no attempt to move on are the most dangerous people to date. Unfortunately true. And more unfortunate is we probably all have had first hand experience dating someone who's not moved on completely from their ex.
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