OptimisticinKY Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I have been married for three years, dated before for two years. It is odd and sad to admit, but we have not had an intimate relationship since our engagement. We constantly fight, about big stuff and little things, like how each other drives and ' ugh, I have told you that three times already. No kids; he is some years older and did not want. We broke up once while dating, but got back together. Sometimes I feel like I just wanted to say I was married and scared I may have just settled. I was recently on a work outing and slept with someone else. I have been attracted to this guy for a while, but he is married with kids and I didn't want to hurt anyone. I am not sure how it happened, but it did. I know I can't and won't be with this guy as he wouldn't leave his wife even though he isn't totally happy either. What do I do now?
gettingstronger Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Cut your losses and go if you are unhappy and don't think you can find a middle ground-AND only date single men so you don't end up settling again, and again- you settled by marrying the guy you did and then settled by sleeping with a married man- 2
writergal Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 ^^Agree with this post. Cut your losses now. File for a legal separation with the intent to divorce. It doesn't sound like you and your husband are compatible either. It was only 5 years of your life instead of 20 with him. Look at it that way. 1
miguelcervantes Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Do you stay or do you go ? Really ? You know what you are, right ? No matter how bad your marriage was, what you did was cheating which is wrong and not condonable by having a bad marriage. Normally the two words that go together are lying and cheating. Are you going to tell your husband ? I am sure that you know that you have to tell him. And when you do, I am not sure the title of your thread will apply. It will/should be "Does he stay or does he go ?" I would (a) own up, and in light of what you have done, (b) give him a straight uncontested divorce. In addition I would work on myself so that I do not think that cheating was OK because I had it hard or bad. 1
miguelcervantes Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Oh, and by the way, the player's wife needs to know asap. Morally the right thing to do. I am hoping your husband sees to that at some stage. 1
goumao Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 You tell your husband what you did and how you feel, and he will probably make the decision for you. I guess he will want to divorce and move on with HIS life. 1
CarrieT Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Get tested for STDs. Tell your husband so he can get tested for STDs. Tell the guy's wife so she can get tested for STDs. Then file for divorce and set out on your own for a while. 1
experiencethedevine Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 As the above posts. Cut your losses and get out. Hopefully you will take some measure of insight with you and become more conscious of what your needs are when entering into a new relationship before such a serious commitment. Some introspective therapy might be conducive to a healthier outlook.
BetrayedH Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I think you need to distance yourself from this affair relationship. You can't make anything but a befuddled decision while you're engaged in an affair. Your husband cannot compete against a fantasy, especially since he doesn't know he's in competition for his wife. Affairs also have a tendency to make you rewrite your marital history to help justify your actions. I would bet that not many years ago, you felt a great love for your husband. Personally, I see marriage as a lifetime decision and one that shouldn't be taken back lightly. You owe it to your husband to make a legitimate effort. You've really fallen short on your end of the bargain. Spouses don't get to check out of their marriage and play single while keeping their partner in the dark. Go No Contact with your affair partner, come clean with your husband, and have serious discussions about whether you both want to continue this marriage. You owe him the truth so he also gets to make an informed decision about how to move forward with his own life. He definitely doesn't deserve to be lied to, cheated on, and then discarded while you protect your image and leave him feeling to blame for a failed marriage. Own your part of it. 1
A.Moscote Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Be patient OP, work on the issues one by one. The first thing is to distance yourself from the married guy. If you're really attracted to him, just kept it in the corner of your mind. He's not going anywhere, he'll still be attractive one year later. Work out on your marriage's path. If you still want to stay, then tell your H that you are really on the verge. I mean thoroughly, not just a whim. Consider his reaction and readiness into your decision. If you think the difference between yourselves is too much, then there's always a proper and righteous way to end it. As a side note, please reconsider the value of honesty and respect. Don't sleep with a married man just because he's attractive. Extramarital affair is something that many of us want to banish from the society. Hopefully you'd want to be on our side. Consider the past as a mistake. 2
txgrl Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I don't know who you are but I've read some of your posts including one on my thread, and you have the gift of saying the same thing with patience and kindness. God bless you for that! Optimistic, you cut and run! Your sleeping with this guy is SEPARATE from what's going on in your M. Deal with them separately and whatever goes on in your M, nothing justifies infidelity.
bubbaganoosh Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 So what is the end result. You cheated. Your still in a bad relationship. You had problems before and now you added one more so the affair did no good except having the potential of ruining another marriage and what, the end result is you haven't moved off of square one. If you weren't happy and saw that the marriage was getting no where, then you should have ended it, but now you have added a bigger problem to it and that is infidelity and no matter how you try to slice it up, you own that problem not him. It's obvious that you didn't think that one out and it's not going to go away.
Author OptimisticinKY Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 I know no one can answer for me, but I need to clear my head and hear other points of view. Thank you all. 1
sidney2718 Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Oh, and by the way, the player's wife needs to know asap. Morally the right thing to do. I am hoping your husband sees to that at some stage. It isn't always. It depends on the circumstances. I'd gather some information first.
The Samurai Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Imagine, what if your husband was the one who cheated on you and slept with another woman?! What if his reason was the same as yours: bad marriage?! How would you feel if that happen?! What you did was wrong, completely wrong. If you think you're not happy in your marriage, then end it. 2
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