I Wanted To Share My Story

[Lord of the Flies]

I've been a long time "lurker" on this board for a while now and finally decided to join the board not too long ago. I felt comfortable enough to share my experience on what it's like to have been the OW. At the the beginning of my experience, I was quite young. At the time, I was finish my sophomore year in college and I had recently first obtained my first full time job at a huge company. I didn't really think much of the MM at first because we never encountered except maybe once or twice when I first got there and finished my training. Then I started to notice that he became more friendly towards me and I didn't think much of it and just had small talk with him which eventually turned into flirting which eventually turned into something that I thought I would never find myself in which was an affair. I didn't think it would happen because the age gap was big (not too big but big enough to where people could have taken notice to that). We were definitely not cut of the same cloth as I came from a very sheltered (albeit very, very dysfunctional) background and he came from something that was completely the opposite, more freedom, etc. Another thing was that I was much more quite and high strung and he was very comfortable with who he was a person. It took him about six months to even get me to meet him outside of the work place and at the time of our first encounter we did not have physical contact. It wasn't until a week later that we first began the sexual part of the affair which turned into 6 years worth of headaches and heartache that I had to endure because I didn't love myself enough to say no or to leave when I had the many chances to do so.

 

Not long after our affair started, I began to become very nervous, very paranoid, I suffered three nervous breakdowns, I had to withdraw from school short of my graduation date, I couldn't take carrying the burden of trying to hide the affair which soon became public knowledge in the workplace which was spread by people that I mistakenly thought were my friends. I became an emotional wreck and was soon making foolish decisions that would negatively impact my own personal and professional life. While this was happening to me, I had to deal with someone who completely (which I completely expected) treated me like I was nothing and someone who thought nothing about my own time and needs. It was not like that blindsided me because I knew what my role was but I turned a blind eye. I knew that in the end he will not leave his wife for me. He was (and still is) a serial cheater, this was not his first rodeo (highly doubt it will be his last despite his age). I turned a blind eye to whatever he was doing to keep myself from being lonely. I sacrificed my entire "life" to have a few minutes with this person I foolishly feel in love with. I told myself that I should have known better than to do this but I didn't trust myself enough to believe it and kept going back to him over and over again despite everything that I was thought not to do. I was very confused with myself which turned into crippling self hatred and resentment that I couldn't shake off for a long time. The affects of the affair left very deep scars for me both emotionally and physically (I found ways to do self harm).

 

Recently, I was able to find the courage enough to leave the situation, to finally say no, to finally put an end to the cycle that was leading me to a dead end road each time. Each encounter, I became more hostile towards him until it got to the point where I couldn't really bite my tongue anymore. Unfortunately though, I couldn't get a word in edgewise because my AP continue to talk over me and continue to paint me to be the bad guy because I kept telling the truth and I wanted out of the situation. I got tired of being on borrowed time and from that point, I promptly got up from where I was sitting and walked out for good, out of the situation and out of his life.

 

I lost everything behind doing what I was doing, great job opportunities, friends, self-respect, mental stability, courage, dignity, reputation but somehow though, through everything I always kept hope that I would get out of this and there would be a chance to rebuild my life again. I am currently in the process of doing that now and I have to honestly say that since ending the affair, I felt as though a great weight has been lifted off my shoulders and I no longer have to carry a heavy burden with me for the rest of my life. I still have bad days along with the good days but overall I feel good about myself and about the direction my life is going. I didn't share this story to receive any pity but to provide one of many perspectives of an affair. Every experience is different and I this helpful in my healing to finally share this story which would close a very dark chapter in my life. I am now in month two of NC and I intend on not breaking it this time around.

 

In reading these stories here, I can relate to what you guys went through in your experiences because I've been down that road, all the ups and downs. I've been there and I know and find it admirable for people to talk about it and give each other advice. I think that it is great that there is a place where people can talk about their experiences and can seek out advice whether it be good or bad. I thank you guys for providing an area for users to share different experiences about being the OW/OM. Feel free to leave a comment if you wish to do so and once again I thank you for the opportunity to share my story on this board.