Trying to finally end things after 4 years, but I can't find the strength

[Alwaysanxiousgirl]

Sorry if this ends up being ridiculously long, but I’ll try and leave out the less important details as much as I can.

 

To start off, I met my bf back in 2010 when I was 18 turning 19 and he was 25 turning 26. Our first year and a half was fairly blissful together, but by the middle of 2011 a lot of the baggage that we’d both carried into the relationship started coming out and it caused a lot of problems between us.

 

At the time I was dealing with years’ worth of depression, social anxiety, and low self-esteem as well as coming from a ****ty home life, but he was always there to listen to me and be a shoulder to cry on. Later on he would admit that because the relationship seemed mostly focused on my issues, he started resenting me. And with the resentment came contempt. He started being condescending and verbally abusive, playing off of the fact that I had low self-esteem.

 

He somehow made me feel even more alone than I already felt by constantly reminding me how much his family and friends didn’t like me. He would purposely push my buttons when he already knew beforehand that I was upset to the point where I (I’m so ashamed to admit this) would scratch his face out of anger because at the time I felt there was no other way to let out my frustrating after pleading and begging with him to just stop; afterwards he would always make remarks about how mentally unwell I was and how nobody else was ever going to put up with me the way he did.

 

Despite all of this I still wanted to stay.

 

I kept telling myself that if I changed, things would get better. I let him convince me that I was the main one with the issues in the relationship while he was the one just trying to be a decent boyfriend and for the longest time this made me feel so hopeless and unworthy of anyone’s love because I felt so broken and beyond redemption. Then a year ago I found out that during the entire month of January he’d been cheating on me with my 14 year old god-sister.

 

There was nothing sexual between them, only kissing, but he’d often go up to her school to see her until her mom happened to check her phone one night while her daughter was sleeping and saw affectionate text messages between them. Her parents showed up at her school when he had scheduled to meet with him and basically told him off and threatened to call the cops on him. I had no idea what was going on (was preparing to begin back to school at the time) but after he got caught he called me and told me he needed to talk to me and came to my house.

 

The whole time while we were driving to find a place to talk I kept asking him what the issue was since he was being so serious and it looked like he’d been crying. When he finally started talking he only told me the bare minimum…that he’d been going to my god-sister’s school and taking her to get Starbucks’s and then dropping her back off. It wasn’t until two days later that I found out from her mom the extent of the relationship between them and when she showed me the messages sent back and forth between each other and told me that they’d kissed and did things like go to the mall, I was absolutely devastated. I felt so heart broken.

 

On top of everything though he still continued to treat me horribly by being very demeaning and patronizing…it wasn’t until a few months later around April or May when he finally realized that I was really going to leave him that he started trying to change and become a better person to me.

 

So for the past several months I’ve just been dealing with this internal struggle. I know to an outsider looking in the answer seems glaringly obvious (to leave him), but my heart is still so attached to this man…there were times when he was my only support system. And as ridiculous as it sounds I do still consider him one a good friend. I’m a lot more emotionally well off than I was when I first met him four years ago…I’ve matured a lot and feel stronger every day, but it still hurts me so much to think about letting him go for good. A couple of days ago I tried to do just that and then panicked at the thought of feeling so alone in the world.

 

I just feel so dumb because when we’re together in those moments just by certain things he’ll do (or not do) or say (or not say) it makes me want to end it right then and there, but thinking in depth about breaking up makes me think about every happy memory we’ve ever had and it sucks. He was my first serious relationship (and my first everything) so I know that probably has something to do with why I keep going back to him, but I just don’t know what to do anymore.

 

I need some serious help and advice

Edited February 28, 2014 by Alwaysanxiousgirl

[lola12]

I know all too well how you can become so emotionally attached to someone. I was with the wrong person for 8 years. He was my first relationship and I was devastated when it ended. It took a long time to find strength within myself to see that it wasn't real love. The guy I was with was very insecure and mentally abused me by preying on my weaknesses. That is not true love. Dishonesty and lack of trust, which is now what you have with your guy, is not a foundation for a strong relationship. It sucks to be alone but if you don't remove yourself from an attachment that you mistakenly perceive as love, you will never experience all the good things that the right person does have to offer you.

 

Being alone does not mean being lonely. It means taking the time for yourself to discover what you do want in another person. Loving yourself and realizing that you deserve the same things in return that you have to offer someone else. Taking that first step is doing something for yourself that will help you to become a better person and learn and grow from your past experiences. If its truly meant to be with him then time apart won't change that.

[David87]

There's a big difference between attachment and love. He is being nice now, sort of , because you gave him the impression that you'll dump him.

 

Remember that old habits die hard and that he will start treating you bad soon enough, i'm not even going to start on the '' cheating'' issue.

 

Better cut your losses now and focuse on finding someone who will love you the way you deserve.

[melell]

I do think your prior experiences, especially anxiety/esteem struggles, will be compounding when it comes to making the decision.

 

I was with someone who was like two different people, the most loving caring person on one side, and on the other -utterly horrible. I stayed with them for 7+ years, at least 6 years too long.

 

Being attached to someone comes with relationship territory. If there is a break up (for anyone) those ties need to broken, and it isn't always easy.

 

Even though my ex was not a very nice person, and I am very glad to no longer be with them, every now and them I remember the happy times, and will feel a bit nostalgic. It is part of being with someone for an extended period of time and breaking up.

 

The way I see this is that you have every reason to leave this situation, and that means feeling a bit sad from time to time initially- but it is nothing to be scared of.

[Alwaysanxiousgirl]

I know all too well how you can become so emotionally attached to someone. I was with the wrong person for 8 years. He was my first relationship and I was devastated when it ended. It took a long time to find strength within myself to see that it wasn't real love. The guy I was with was very insecure and mentally abused me by preying on my weaknesses. That is not true love. Dishonesty and lack of trust, which is now what you have with your guy, is not a foundation for a strong relationship. It sucks to be alone but if you don't remove yourself from an attachment that you mistakenly perceive as love, you will never experience all the good things that the right person does have to offer you.

 

Being alone does not mean being lonely. It means taking the time for yourself to discover what you do want in another person. Loving yourself and realizing that you deserve the same things in return that you have to offer someone else. Taking that first step is doing something for yourself that will help you to become a better person and learn and grow from your past experiences. If its truly meant to be with him then time apart won't change that.

 

Thanks, Lola. What made you finally decide to ends things? What types of things did you do to keep yourself busy?

[Alwaysanxiousgirl]

I do think your prior experiences, especially anxiety/esteem struggles, will be compounding when it comes to making the decision.

 

I was with someone who was like two different people, the most loving caring person on one side, and on the other -utterly horrible. I stayed with them for 7+ years, at least 6 years too long.

 

Being attached to someone comes with relationship territory. If there is a break up (for anyone) those ties need to broken, and it isn't always easy.

 

Even though my ex was not a very nice person, and I am very glad to no longer be with them, every now and them I remember the happy times, and will feel a bit nostalgic. It is part of being with someone for an extended period of time and breaking up.

 

The way I see this is that you have every reason to leave this situation, and that means feeling a bit sad from time to time initially- but it is nothing to be scared of.

 

How do you cope during those times? Are they fleeting memories or do you dwell on them? I know it sounds silly but I'm scared I'll regret leaving him. Even though he;s done all these horrible things to me and our relationship was completely toxic, there's still a part of me that thinks it still can work out..

[lola12]

Thanks, Lola. What made you finally decide to ends things? What types of things did you do to keep yourself busy?

 

He actually broke up with m. It was a blessing in disguise, although I didn't see it as that at the time. It took me awhile to stop grieving and move on. I was so brainwashed that I blamed it all on myself. That's exactly what he wanted.

 

I will tell you what helped me although what might work for you could be very different. This guy was controlling and I wasn't able to dress how I wanted or listen to music I liked. I took long drives by the ocean to clear my head. I picked an achievable goal for myself. Mine was to get in shape. I listened to empowering music while I worked out. I also started boxing and I would hit the bag to get out all my anger. I took long walks for the purpose of meditating. Once I was in shape I was able to change my looks and buy clothes that flattered me and made me feel good.

 

Some people believe you should surround yourself with friends and family but this guy alienated me from everyone so all I had was myself.

I made it through and so will you!! Promise. =)

[Strength in Healing]

It's not gonna work out for you two.

 

You're too old for him. Maybe if you were in the 12-15 year old range.