hugznkisses21 Posted January 22, 2005 Posted January 22, 2005 Hello everyone..... So last night I have a huge talk with my bf that involved the work "break up" because i had thought maybe we wanted two differetn things. I love him with all my heart so me saying those works just killed me. But it is sooo hard for me to understand his take or feeling on stuff cause he doesnt open up and he finally did! My situaution in case some dont know : http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t55458/ So i said to him i think we want 2 different things and we have to decide what we are going to do here. Biggest topic is his lack of effort ( i have seen with many things in his life when he is confortable with a result of something he doesnt try anymore) and the intimacay levels have gone down.....me wanting more him not. So here is what i did i told him that he may have me and i know he loves me and cares for me but u cant just have someone and give up u now have to work and put effort into the relationship to "keep" them I think the biggest part of it all is about intimacy he sdmitted FINALLY that the reason he isnt jumping me or whatever anymore is he really loves it when i go after him and chase him and be all agressive with that and he said when he backs off alot thats what i do.....where as i was getting lazy and slipping into a patteren where i know he is going to initiate. So i said to him well u can not expect me to keep initiating if im turned down. And he made some good points, He feels bad we really have nowhere to go...bsides a car or whatever Cause we live with our parents 1 hour from eachother He feels bad that always one of us is leavign after.....he does like to hold me after He cant really do it if he has to get up early before work cause he will end up sleep right though...true ive seen him All in all i guess now that i look back i had terrible timing. On a few occasions i was turned down and really hurt......when he is sooo tired he doesnt like to be woken up for it....this is know and so be it everyone is diferent But i guess when i look back now i had some bad timing. And i know that once i ounce on him and get him going he is is all over me. So this where we are at. He has said he will work on putting more effort into all aspect sof the realtionship...and i said i will jump u more!! lol my ljod is the easy one. I wihs he woul dhave told me its turns him on so much when im aggresive like that it would have saved alot of tears. Communication is key here! I asked when all is said and done what do u want. And a big thing with him is he grew up around men who dont put alot of effort, who dont show affection and dont think before they speak and cant makes a decsisson to save their life ( these are european relatives) and when i asked him what he wanted he said he isnt too sure what he wants but he wants me with him whatever it is. He wants me. he doesnt want me to go and he doesnt want me to break up with him. So i hate arguments and talk like this cause i feel like for the next few days im in a haze....like oMG we almost broke up we have a terrible relationship. So i need someone to up my spirits. I feel terrible that we had gone through that cause i always want to have the perfect realtionhsip as the perefect gf In the end he said i love u so much and i mean it.......and looked at my eyes with his big blue eyes and its like he so doesnt not mean to hurt anyone he really didnt think that the lack of intimacy was a problem he really had no clue....he wasnt doing aything on purpose. He doesnt have to have sex all the time to apreciate me
Author hugznkisses21 Posted January 22, 2005 Author Posted January 22, 2005 common please!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Barby Posted January 22, 2005 Posted January 22, 2005 I think that it's great that you talked to him FINALLY about all these issues. I'm also glad that he opened up to you. I can't see why you'd need someone to lift your spirits, I mean yeah you did bring up breaking up, but you got what you needed/wanted (him opening up and telling you what he feels, ect). I'm happy that you know now, make an effort from now on to jump him (as you put it) every time you see him!
Author hugznkisses21 Posted January 22, 2005 Author Posted January 22, 2005 do u think that our circumstances play a big role in this, lack of sex? or do u think that maybe we do want differnt things.....cause i do get turned down....sometimes and i hate it.....i dont turn him down cause i always want it... it truely sounds like he doesnt mean to hurt anyone but just doesnt want it all the time. Can men go through spells where they dont want it as much and still be a wonderful relationhsip?
Barby Posted January 22, 2005 Posted January 22, 2005 do u think that our circumstances play a big role in this, lack of sex? This is a very personal question but I have to ask, you mentioned the only place you can really "do it" is in the car....well honestly I can see him not wanting to do that there....do you ever do it at your house even though you live with your parents? I think your circumstances probably have EVERYthing to do with why there is lack of intimacy. I highly doubt he isn't "wanting" you as much as you want him but I mean once outta high school, the whole "car/backseat" thing is really....well...not appealing (to me anyway) and it sounds like he would rather be at home with you where it can be "love making" not just "sex" know what I mean? Oh yeah and you keep mentioning "wanting different things" what do you mean? I know that you want to have sex (obviously) but it sounds like he does too, I"m assuming you want this relationship, and he does too...so what "different" things are you referring to?
Author hugznkisses21 Posted January 22, 2005 Author Posted January 22, 2005 i mean us wanting/needing different levels of intimacy in our lives. Yes we have dont it at hom....nobody was home...that is rare cause we have large families. Plus when we do get a night alone we are both geared to do it....but we dont get that time often so its like everytime in between its hard to get that so i try and i dont think he want to in the car. plues he doesnt like when one of us leaves.... But we are going on a vacation so....maybe we can rekindle things. i guess im just into it and odnt care where and he is sometimes too tired or has to get up early in the morening so he or i have to leave right after or wants me to be more aggressive..... thanks soo much barby for replying it means more than u think
Barby Posted January 22, 2005 Posted January 22, 2005 You're more than welcome. I'm glad that you two are going on vacation together, is it just going to be the two of you? I'm very very excited for you! I think it could be really beneficial for you two to get away, I agree it probably will allow you to rekindle things, plus allow you all the private intimate time that you've been desiring (assuming you're going alone of course).
Author hugznkisses21 Posted January 22, 2005 Author Posted January 22, 2005 we arent going to be alone but we are having our own room, What do u think about what i said about this? : "mean us wanting/needing different levels of intimacy in our lives. Yes we have dont it at hom....nobody was home...that is rare cause we have large families. Plus when we do get a night alone we are both geared to do it....but we dont get that time often so its like everytime in between its hard to get that so i try and i dont think he want to in the car. plues he doesnt like when one of us leaves.... "
Barby Posted January 22, 2005 Posted January 22, 2005 mean us wanting/needing different levels of intimacy in our lives. Yes we have dont it at hom....nobody was home...that is rare cause we have large families. Plus when we do get a night alone we are both geared to do it....but we dont get that time often so its like everytime in between its hard to get that so i try and i dont think he want to in the car. plues he doesnt like when one of us leaves.... I think he probably wants the same level of intimacy as you....BUT I wonder if you're actually wanting the "sexual" part of intimacy or just the affection, warmness that comes along with the intimacy (i mean i know everyone wants sexual fullfillment) but is that what you're craving or is it actually the "physical (ie cuddling, romance, holding each other) intimacy" that you're missing??! I think that if you really want this relationship to work, it will. I think you both probably crave the same level of intimacy BUT you're more open to expressing it, I'm sure he pines away for you as well. Since you don't have the time or space to be sexually intimate, he probably feels extra preasure, it is probably hard on him just as much as on you! But until you two have a place of your own or some place to go and be alone (other than in a car) this issue probably won't change. Do you work? Can you two attempt to get a place together near where he works?
Author hugznkisses21 Posted January 22, 2005 Author Posted January 22, 2005 i think give me some time and i will get a place...i do work. But based on his upbringing he doesnt leave home until he is getting married but i do think he would stay at my place a bit just not move in...his backgrounds wises (european croatian)
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