Could daughter's murder by MM have been prevented?

[yellowmaverick]

I started another thread recently directed at young OW to try to understand how a young OW gets involved with a MM and whether a parent's guidance would have made a difference. I had been criticized by another poster for offering them guidance even though they are technically adults (both younger than 20).

 

Just yesterday, the national news released a story about a 20-yr-old woman from SC who had been missing. Her ex-MM and his wife were arrested for suspicion of murder. In the interview, her parents acknowledged that they knew about the affair. According to the story, the young girl went missing after she agreed to meet the ex-MM. [i couldn't provide the link].

 

After reading this story, I am more certain of the need for me to continue talking to my daughters and initiating healthy discussions. If this was my daughter, I would wonder what might have happened if I had been more proactive in warning her that she was playing with fire. We can't protect our children from everything, but we can offer them the benefit of our knowledge and experience, in age-appropriate discussions. What kind of parent are we if we are not willing to do that?

[Lernaean_Hydra]

I'm really into true crime stories and one thing I've come to notice is that of the women who end up involved in some salacious affair with a married lover, a large percentage of their families/friends were aware of the nature of the relationship. I used to think, "well, why the hell didn't they say anything!?" but then I realized, they probably did.

 

I've advised friends and relatives not to cheat (although they did it anyway) just as I've advised them not to steal or commit various other crimes. But what good does it do when their mind's already made up?

 

You have to realize, a woman, no matter what age (but *especially* a young woman), involved with a married man is not about to hear any of her family's/friend's forewarnings. The mentality is, but HE wouldn't do that to ME!

 

You can continue talking to your daughters and instilling values but at a certain point, they're going to go their own way and your advice can only go so far. No woman of reasonable mental capacity is going to get involved with a married man naive to the fact that she's playing with fire. Thus, she already knows what can happen.

[acrosstheuniverse]

There are probably more young women murdered by their boyfriends, husbands or ex-partners than there are by their MM.

 

I don't think the issue warrants you 'continuing' to talk to your daughters about this too much... if you've already had the conversation once, that's enough. They're grown women who'll do whatever they think is right in any given situation and the best you can hope for as parents is that you equipped them well enough during their childhood/adolescence for them to be able to make their own decisions and mistakes in adulthood.

 

I am concerned you sound a little overly worried about this, perhaps borderline obsessive, do you have an encounter with an affair in your history?

[janedoe67]

The kids I know who grew up in the "unparenting" oh so hip "let them BE" type of household.....didn't fare so well.

 

I totally agree that part of our JOB is to have these discussions with our kids, no matter their ages.

[Quiet Storm]

I don't single out married men specifically, but I have an interesting extended family that includes some Borderlines, addicts, cheaters, liars and codependents. I have always talked to my kids about what is "emotionally healthy" and how to recognize people with issues. I also emphasize "self talk" with them, and how we often lie to ourselves to avoid uncomfortable truths. It has really helped them to become self aware and good judges of character.

 

Even when they were very young, I explained how there is an emotional, impulsive part of our mind that seeks instant gratification, excitement and attention. And that allowing this part of your mind to lead you isn't too smart. I've told them that the logical, smart and wise part of their minds must "babysit" the impulsive & emotional part & keep it out of trouble. This seemed to really resonate with them, and they've told me things like "A kid in my class was really mad and about to fight another kid. He didn't know how to make his logical brain babysit his emotional brain!".

 

My kids know about rationalization, bargaining, justification and they recognize it and tell me when they notice other people doing it or when they catch themselves doing it.

 

I point out manipulative people and the tactics they use to get what they want. I explain triangulation and other dysfunctional family dynamics. Whenever someone on TV, movies or in real life uses guilt trips, enticement, persuasion, sympathy, anger as a tool to get their way...I point out that dynamic & label it as manipulative and unhealthy.

 

I've also explained how "Hurt people, hurt people." And that people with difficult childhoods & past trauma don't always have the tools to be good partners or friends. I want them to be compassionate & helpful to others, but not get taken advantage of. And not to assume everyone has their best interests at heart.

 

So while I do understand that kids are their own people and will do what they want, I have really tried to give my kids the tools to make good decisions about their relationships.

 

I think kids that grow up sheltered and protected are often naive about how sneaky & selfish some people can really be. Some go out into the world expecting all people to be considerate, caring & honest and that's just not reality. Then they end up getting heartbroken over something that had easily recognizable red flags.

 

I try to give my kids all of the love and protection that I can while simutaneously preparing them for the harsh realities of the real world.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

This story? Couple Faces New Charges in SC Student's Disappearance - ABC News

[Quiet Storm]

This story? Couple Faces New Charges in SC Student's Disappearance - ABC News

 

 

I wonder if she was pregnant?

 

Being a pregnant OW can be dangerous, as it bursts the fantasy and threatens MM's financial security. It becomes "real" and MM panics.

[acrosstheuniverse]

The kids I know who grew up in the "unparenting" oh so hip "let them BE" type of household.....didn't fare so well.

 

I totally agree that part of our JOB is to have these discussions with our kids, no matter their ages.

 

Maybe the kids you knew, but not all kids. I had that upbringing, and I turned out great! I really appreciated from my early teens being able to make my own decisions about my own life. Although I wasn't allowed boyfriends staying over etc. until the age of consent. I actually know many kids from overbearing, controlling families who rebelled significantly and rejected everything their parents told them, going off the rails. A happy medium is desired.

[FitChick]

I wonder if she was pregnant?

 

Being a pregnant OW can be dangerous, as it bursts the fantasy and threatens MM's financial security. It becomes "real" and MM panics.

 

Same thing happens when single women want to get married and their boyfriends don't, or married women who want kids and their husbands don't. A lot of pregnant women end up dead.

[thefooloftheyear]

Just typical white trash garbage.....Its a safe bet some drugs were involved...And holy crap, that 20 year old woman looks older than my 70 year old mom....and I am NOT kidding....sheesh..

 

TFY

[Lernaean_Hydra]

Heather Elvis? That girl looks about twenty. Or am I looking at the wrong article?

[spice4life]

I don't single out married men specifically, but I have an interesting extended family that includes some Borderlines, addicts, cheaters, liars and codependents. I have always talked to my kids about what is "emotionally healthy" and how to recognize people with issues. I also emphasize "self talk" with them, and how we often lie to ourselves to avoid uncomfortable truths. It has really helped them to become self aware and good judges of character.

 

Even when they were very young, I explained how there is an emotional, impulsive part of our mind that seeks instant gratification, excitement and attention. And that allowing this part of your mind to lead you isn't too smart. I've told them that the logical, smart and wise part of their minds must "babysit" the impulsive & emotional part & keep it out of trouble. This seemed to really resonate with them, and they've told me things like "A kid in my class was really mad and about to fight another kid. He didn't know how to make his logical brain babysit his emotional brain!".

 

My kids know about rationalization, bargaining, justification and they recognize it and tell me when they notice other people doing it or when they catch themselves doing it.

 

I point out manipulative people and the tactics they use to get what they want. I explain triangulation and other dysfunctional family dynamics. Whenever someone on TV, movies or in real life uses guilt trips, enticement, persuasion, sympathy, anger as a tool to get their way...I point out that dynamic & label it as manipulative and unhealthy.

 

I've also explained how "Hurt people, hurt people." And that people with difficult childhoods & past trauma don't always have the tools to be good partners or friends. I want them to be compassionate & helpful to others, but not get taken advantage of. And not to assume everyone has their best interests at heart.

 

So while I do understand that kids are their own people and will do what they want, I have really tried to give my kids the tools to make good decisions about their relationships.

 

I think kids that grow up sheltered and protected are often naive about how sneaky & selfish some people can really be. Some go out into the world expecting all people to be considerate, caring & honest and that's just not reality. Then they end up getting heartbroken over something that had easily recognizable red flags.

 

I try to give my kids all of the love and protection that I can while simutaneously preparing them for the harsh realities of the real world.

 

LOL at the bolded. I did something very similar and it works! Educating your kids about what they will go through at each stage is valuable also. Great post.

 

OP, I am curious too about why you keep bringing this up. Are you trying to send a message? Do you not have faith in your own parenting skills? I don't understand.

[cocorico]

Just typical white trash garbage.....Its a safe bet some drugs were involved...And holy crap, that 20 year old woman looks older than my 70 year old mom....and I am NOT kidding....sheesh..

 

TFY

 

I think that is the BW.

[rumbleseat]

Carry this over to another, less polarizing topic.

 

Let's say that Mary has a job, works hard, saved her money and wants to buy a house.should mom and dad keep quiet and not share their wisdom about usury interest rates, the pit falls of finding a lender, how to make sure the house is worth what they are paying for it?

 

Or should they simply sit back and say " well, I taught them well. If they screw up, they'll live and learn".

 

Doesn't it make sense to share their wisdom , even if it's not solicited? Even better,to teach mary about these things before she is in the position to buy a house and she may be feeling excited and overwhelmed?

 

Perhaps if they do this, there will be far less chance of , five years down the road, Mary owning a money pit which she is paying astronomically high interest rate for?

 

My own belief is that I am not my child's friend,I am not their buddy, especially when they are young and still at home. I am their mom,and I will be there to help guide the,for as long as they need me. When they are grown and on their own, I'll have to let go, but I will always be their mom. I can be a friend then, but isn't part of being a friend is looking out them and sharing your wisdom about life?