When I show upset about his affair he rages

[Clay]

All I really see here is you don't set good boundaries for yourself. You might be starting to try to do something now but clearly this should have been done along time ago. Your sign should have been no genuine remorse for his cheating. This shows he does not really care for your feelings. Your never going to change this in him. Sure he wants things to be ok. You really need to stop and look at you. Why would you ever allow a man to push you this far. I personally would just get out of the relationship all together and take time for you.

 

There are better men out there. Sure they are hard to find but you wont find them by staying with someone who clearly does not love you the way you deserved to be loved.

 

I booted my xW out. I moved on. It took a while and I was seriously heartbroken for months. I did find someone else. Shes a great woman. I learned alot about me along the way. I hope you take time out to learn about you and find you deserve better.

 

Clay

[Spark1111]

You can shut up.

 

Or you can be left?

 

Until you shut up again?.....Do I have that correctly?

 

You have a third choice: You can leave.....FOR GOOD.

 

Please choose that option. he is showing you that when things get tough or you are emotionally upset, you need to shut up.

 

darling, if you can't get angry about infidelity, I do not know WHAT you will be allowed to verbalize.

 

And that is a terrible sign for the future.

 

Do you fear being abandoned? Is that why you stay?

[BeholdtheMan]

Yesterday, I had a trigger, became moderately upset ( I was respectful, but clearly upset and I pointed out to him that his actions in the affair had caused some long term damage.)

 

He said to me "I am tired of your sh*t. Then he took me by the arm and shoved me outside and locked the door behind me, telling me we are done FOREVER. I pointed out to him that I understand maybe he is upset, but this response is not helping, the constant relationship ending then coming back is traumatizing. I told him he can always end a conversation in a less damaging way by just saying he needs a break

 

I think you should have sex with another man and tell your H how much bigger the other man's penis is compared to his. Then when your H proceeds to "trigger", you should physically assault him while yelling at him to "man up"

 

In all seriousness though...for the sake of your dignity, kick your H to the curb

[KaliLove]

Look, I get that you have 7 years invested, and you had a great few years together and you're hoping that what you had is going to come back, but I'm here to tell you, you won't. The past is gone. It's dead and buried 6-feet under and it's NEVER coming back. What you had with him before all of this, will never exist again.

 

Once you get that into your head and really wrap your mind around that statement, and accept it, you will be able to leave this guy.

 

My ex cheated on me as well and he basically only confessed because someone threatened to tell me. He did exactly what your boyfriend is doing. He never wanted to talk about. Wanted to sweep it all under the rug and pretend it never happened. If I got upset and wanted to talk to him or know all the details, he would get angry, tell me I was starting drama, he would go 2-3 days ignoring me.

 

Basically the demise of our relationship was MY fault. That's how he wound up spinning the whole thing. He was a master manipulator, a liar, a cheat, completely selfish, uncaring, and unsympathetic to my pain. Everything was about him and how I was now making things terrible. He didn't care at all that he had been having sex with someone else. He didn't care how much he hurt me, or what he did to the relationship. All he wanted was to be guilt free and forgiven.

 

As if!

 

Sorry, but this story doesn't have a happy ending. After enduring his emotional abuse after he cheated on me, I became a shell of myself. I was nothing. I became scared of even talking to him or showing him any emotion whatsoever because even the littlest thing would set him off, make him mad, then he'd ignore me again as "punishment."

 

This guy is going to ruin you, and quite honestly he already has ruined you. The fact that you're perfectly OK remaining in this situation should show you just how low he's kicked you down and how little self-worth, and self-esteem you have.

 

You're never going to change this guy. He's emotionally stunted and immature. He can't communicate, he can't solve problems, he doesn't own up to his own issues, instead of facing the reality that he's the one that caused this, he walks around as if he has nothing to do with anything.

 

Get out now before you waste even more years of your life. The right guy is out there waiting for you.

 

Oh, and PS: after my ex cheated and "confessed" and said how ashamed and remorseful he was? He cheated again. These kinds of guys are never sincere. They're only out for their own best interests.

 

It sounds like your ex had borderline personality disorder. Danielle, it sounds like your guy might have that too. Google BPD and NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). I figured that out about my ex and it changed my whole life.

 

It's very, VERY difficult to be in a relationship with a BPD/NPD person. It will make your life hell. There's no getting around that.

 

Danielle, this is never going to get any better for you. I PROMISE you that. There will be moments of love and fun but for the most part, the way you feel now is the way you're going to feel all the time until you get out of this relationship. Trust me..I understand better than anyone else. I've been in EXACTLY your position before.

[Owl]

OK...I skipped to the end, so I may have missed some relevent details.

 

But I wanted to bring something up to your attention, Danielle.

 

You have given him all of your power in the relationship. He's the one making all the decisions, and all the choices.

 

That only happens because you let him.

 

And he's able to do it because he cares LESS about his relationship with you than you care about your relationship with him.

 

The person with the power in a relationship is the one who needs the relationship the least.

 

Frankly...you need to be willing to lose him. If you don't care if you lose him...you will have an equal power base with him. He certainly doesn't care if he loses you...or he has no fear that it might happen, given how he treats you.

 

Make that a reality. Tell him that he's right...you're gone. And leave.

 

You'll feel sooo much better about yourself. Sure, you'll miss the good parts some...but it sure doesn't sound like those outweigh the negatives at this point. Odds are...you'll feel more relieif than you will sadness.

 

If he REALLY wants you back...he'll change. And if you consider going back...ENSURE that he changes by INSISTING on what you need from him going forward. Couples counseling. Improved boundaries. Improved communication.

 

If he balks, if he refuses...show him the door immediately.

 

You CAN live and be happy without him. Recognize that, and start from there.

 

Today.

[The Samurai]

ThatMan, he did put his hands on me. No, I was not physically hurt. I had complained to him about walking out on me in discussions, so he pulled me to the door ( and I live there!), opened it, and pushed me out. Then he shut the door and locked it behind me.

 

Probably some of you will understand his reason for doing that.

Understand What???!!!!

his reason for doing that?????!!!!! You kidding me?!?!

 

He has no reason what so ever to do that.

Please open your eyes and wake up. I know you think and hope you can change him, you can get things better.. But this can never happen.

 

I've seen it many times. You will waste years of your life, then at the end will realize that all these years were for nothing. And believe me you will regret it. You'll wish if you did end it before, but it will be too late to regret.

 

You have the chance now. Buy your happiness and save your life NOW. This man NOT worth it.

[ExpatInItaly]

Your boy is a loser. (He is not a man. Not by a long shot) Plain and simple.

 

Your boy abuses you. Emotionally and physically.

 

He is a liar, a cheater and apparently a rage-aholic. Do you really believe that he's always escaping to his mother's when he storms out? I certainly wouldn't. I would not be shocked to learn he's getting cozy with yet another woman when he does this. And pardon me, but his ex bullied him into cheating? Did I read that right? Come on! She was so mean he just had to insert his organ into hers? Yeah, right.

 

OP, you cannot fix this. You are not equipped with the appropriate tools and resources to help him. I'm sorry, but you're wasting your time trying. A clown like him is not worth it. He doesn't love you; he's most certainly not in love with at all. It will get worse, I can guarantee it.

 

Whatever you do, do not travel abroad with this person. Especially not to his home country. You think you feel powerless now? Wait until he hurts you and abandons you in a country where you don't understand the language and truly are isolated. He will completely have you under his thumb because you really won't have anywhere else to go. Where do you think you'll find help if he locks you out or in, hits you (or god forbid) takes your passport away? Do not risk that. I don't mean to be melodramatic, but it is a very real threat to abused women traveling with partners to their country of origin, particularly if that country has a spotty track record. That would be very, very foolish of you.

[Snipercatt]

Then he shut the door and locked it behind me.

 

Probably some of you will understand his reason for doing that.

 

This is NOT acceptable. You know that right?

 

You can't change him, you can only change what you do about it.

[Danielle1114]

What I meant about people maybe understanding why he put me out like a cat... I had asked him to stop running off mid conversation. So he made ME leave instead of leaving. Essentially, he kept his word to me by forcing me to leave. It's a head game.

 

I spent a lot of this last week in reflection. I have zero intention of going anywhere with him abroad.

 

His explanation to me for the rages is that currently he is angry at the world. He withdraws to self regulate and here I come, and add weight to his troubles and he loses his temper. Basically he feels I should respect him when he grumps off and is ruminating or whatever way he trying to self calm. By barging in, I am poking a hole in his control. So he lashes out at me because I am too silly to bugger off and do something else.

 

I am not defending, or justifying him. Simply repeating what he says. His theory is Danielle needs to walk away more and things will slowly become ok over time as he processes through his problems.

 

Danielle's theory is he needs to take a big pause, address his issues and and stop wearing the Ass Hat.

 

Another bad day. I have left him alone to ponder his troubles on his own. Seeing my mom and spending some time with family.

 

Yes, I understand what is being said to me. I am not sure someone can't change once they resolve underlying issues. Probably they can, if they want to.

[KathyM]

What I meant about people maybe understanding why he put me out like a cat... I had asked him to stop running off mid conversation. So he made ME leave instead of leaving. Essentially, he kept his word to me by forcing me to leave. It's a head game.

I'm sorry, but that is physical abuse. Pushing his wife out the door and locking her out is physical abuse.

I spent a lot of this last week in reflection. I have zero intention of going anywhere with him abroad.

 

His explanation to me for the rages is that currently he is angry at the world. He withdraws to self regulate and here I come, and add weight to his troubles and he loses his temper. Basically he feels I should respect him when he grumps off and is ruminating or whatever way he trying to self calm. By barging in, I am poking a hole in his control. So he lashes out at me because I am too silly to bugger off and do something else.

 

I am not defending, or justifying him. Simply repeating what he says. His theory is Danielle needs to walk away more and things will slowly become ok over time as he processes through his problems.

 

Danielle's theory is he needs to take a big pause, address his issues and and stop wearing the Ass Hat.

 

Another bad day. I have left him alone to ponder his troubles on his own. Seeing my mom and spending some time with family.

 

Yes, I understand what is being said to me. I am not sure someone can't change once they resolve underlying issues. Probably they can, if they want to.

Someone who is angry at the world, who is verbally abusive and physically abusive and emotionally abusive, which your husband is, has a poor prognosis for change. It's highly unlikely he will change because for one, he doesn't think he needs to change. He blames the world and you for his own issues and his own problems with anger. The problem is him, not you. I would suggest you read the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. I think it will be an eye opening reading for you.

[Raena]

I don't even know anymore.

His recent statements to me are he wants to skip over discussion about his affair in favor of him offering simple support.

 

He says what he has done, he can offer no justification for, there is no "good reason", so lets accept he was a cheating lying douchebag and move on with out further blaming and build up a good relationship that for him involves not speaking of the past and letting it go.

 

Is this healthy? When I try, things go smoother, except I feel marginalized. I don't know how to explain it but on a deep level, I feel really sad and worthless when I say nothing but do as he wants.

 

This bolded part described my ex to a T when he cheated on me the first time. He wanted absolutely NO part of discussing what had happened after we had decided to reconcile as well.

 

Let me tell you though.... it didn't work out well. I resented him for what he had done and had no way to talk to anyone about it. We didn't resolve the issue and lo and behold... nearly 5 years later... he did it again.

 

Please, please, please... walk away from him. I wish I had been strong enough to walk away and stay away. It ended up hurting me more when I finally began to trust him again because I watched his actions and stopped trying to talk about it, and then when I let my guard down again, he did it again.

 

If he isn't willing to go through it all with you the right way and does the push/pull thing every time you get upset then you are only setting yourself up for further heartbreak down the road.

 

I'm not saying he'll cheat again. My ex did, that doesn't mean yours will... but the chances are pretty good that he will if he doesn't deal with what he already did in a more constructive manner.

 

Somewhere on here I found a guide for the wandering spouse... what to do after reconciliation. You need to find that guide and give it to him. If he doesn't do what is on there, your relationship will not work out.

[Danielle1114]

Hi Raena,

 

I saw that guide. It's a sticky, I think.

 

He probably wouldn't even read it.

 

I think he is being set off by his ex wife. He doesn't breath a word to me about her unless I ask. And I don't tend to ask since I am worried about a conflict getting generated.

 

A few days ago she disabled her facebook account, after making some rude statement to everyone. I think it was more that she saw he unfriended me, and she got ambitious about getting back with him. Again. He asked to friend me and I accepted ( I was cynical, but accepted anyway).

 

 

I have had the impression the latest struggle is she has been complaining/shaming at him ( just a feeling because I have seen it a hundred times and he spirals down) and he was primed for being reactive.

 

As far as cheating again. I don't know. Really, I simply don't. I am just resigned and sad atm.

[Danielle1114]

I guess probably this is over.

 

I had a son that I lost August 8, 2013.

 

My boyfriend gets into these states of anger and throws the loss in my face.

 

My son's name is Ben.

 

So my boyfriend says to me, "Shut up or I will leave you just like Ben did."

 

The first time he said it, I was about 6 weeks out from the loss. And I responded with a lot of upset to the comment. So he left me. I lost my mind, I think. I was groveling, in a state of fear, panic, pain, begging him not to be this way. He blocked me, ignored me. When he came back, I was in a state of grielf and numb.

 

I stopped eating and lost a huge amount of weight. And boyfriend acted like he had done nothing wrong.

 

He was terrible yesterday. Did some really crappy stuff. He showed up this morning, and I told him about it. I was not exactly nice. I wasn't majorly rude or anything. And he said to me, say one more word and I will leave you for the rest of your life, JUST LIKE BEN DID.

 

How can anyone remain silent in the face of that. I could not. I said he lacks empathy, human compassion, and to go ahead and leave me.

 

So he did.

 

And I sit here crying over my dear Ben and am sad and sorry, angry, miserable and full of grief.

 

Maybe I deserved it all.

[EverySunset]

This POS is abusive and heartless.

 

Now that he is gone, keep him out. You need to heal and he won't, couldn't possibly let you.

 

Please call someone who loves and supports you, especially better if they can come be with you. Don't stay silent, that is what abusers foster. Isolation. Lack of support.

 

Invite family or a good friend over. So if he comes back, you can have support. You don't deserve this. YOU DESERVE BETTER.

 

See today not as an end but as a BEGINNING of amazing things for you. A new life. One you can be happy in.

 

I am sorry for your loss. Grieve as much as you want. Or need to. With someone, and don't grieve the loss of your STBX. See that as a liberation and a kindness... You can finally be happy now.

 

It may not feel like it yet, but his leaving is the kindest thing this man could ever do for you.

[sidney2718]

I guess probably this is over.

 

I had a son that I lost August 8, 2013.

 

My boyfriend gets into these states of anger and throws the loss in my face.

 

My son's name is Ben.

 

So my boyfriend says to me, "Shut up or I will leave you just like Ben did."

 

The first time he said it, I was about 6 weeks out from the loss. And I responded with a lot of upset to the comment. So he left me. I lost my mind, I think. I was groveling, in a state of fear, panic, pain, begging him not to be this way. He blocked me, ignored me. When he came back, I was in a state of grielf and numb.

 

I stopped eating and lost a huge amount of weight. And boyfriend acted like he had done nothing wrong.

 

He was terrible yesterday. Did some really crappy stuff. He showed up this morning, and I told him about it. I was not exactly nice. I wasn't majorly rude or anything. And he said to me, say one more word and I will leave you for the rest of your life, JUST LIKE BEN DID.

 

How can anyone remain silent in the face of that. I could not. I said he lacks empathy, human compassion, and to go ahead and leave me.

 

So he did.

 

And I sit here crying over my dear Ben and am sad and sorry, angry, miserable and full of grief.

 

Maybe I deserved it all.

 

That man is a horribly cruel beast. There are things worse than infidelity. Saying what he said to you is one of the worst things a person could do.

 

If the tables were turned and you were male and he female, you'd have a number of hyper males in here telling him to kick you to the curb, burn his possessions, and destroy the bed.

 

But you aren't male, so you don't get that. Nevertheless, as you already know, a man that would say unforgivable things like that to you is NOT a man you could live with. For your good, dump him. For his good dump him because perhaps he will learn for this (though I doubt it.)

[The Samurai]

I guess probably this is over.

 

I had a son that I lost August 8, 2013.

 

My son's name is Ben.

 

So my boyfriend says to me, "Shut up or I will leave you just like Ben did."

 

The first time he said it, I was about 6 weeks out from the loss. And I responded with a lot of upset to the comment. So he left me. I lost my mind, I think. I was groveling, in a state of fear, panic, pain, begging him not to be this way. He blocked me, ignored me. When he came back, I was in a state of grielf and numb.

 

I stopped eating and lost a huge amount of weight. And boyfriend acted like he had done nothing wrong.

 

He was terrible yesterday. Did some really crappy stuff. He showed up this morning, and I told him about it. I was not exactly nice. I wasn't majorly rude or anything. And he said to me, say one more word and I will leave you for the rest of your life, JUST LIKE BEN DID.

 

And I sit here crying over my dear Ben and am sad and sorry, angry, miserable and full of grief.

 

Maybe I deserved it all.

WTF wrong with this guy?!

He's not human at all.

 

He left?! great!! The best thing in your life just happened..

And you say: probably this is over?!?!

What probably?! Sure this is over. Not once, but he did say it twice!!

Do you think he won't say it again, and again, and again...?!

 

As some poster said: invite family and/or friends for support. DON NOT accept him back.

Danielle.. please stop hurting yourself.. Please DON NOT take him back again. He has no heart, and no feelings!!

[waterwoman]

yes I think it's over. What a vile human being. Words fail me. I am so sorry xx

[KaliLove]

I guess probably this is over.

 

I had a son that I lost August 8, 2013.

 

My boyfriend gets into these states of anger and throws the loss in my face.

 

My son's name is Ben.

 

So my boyfriend says to me, "Shut up or I will leave you just like Ben did."

 

The first time he said it, I was about 6 weeks out from the loss. And I responded with a lot of upset to the comment. So he left me. I lost my mind, I think. I was groveling, in a state of fear, panic, pain, begging him not to be this way. He blocked me, ignored me. When he came back, I was in a state of grielf and numb.

 

I stopped eating and lost a huge amount of weight. And boyfriend acted like he had done nothing wrong.

 

He was terrible yesterday. Did some really crappy stuff. He showed up this morning, and I told him about it. I was not exactly nice. I wasn't majorly rude or anything. And he said to me, say one more word and I will leave you for the rest of your life, JUST LIKE BEN DID.

 

How can anyone remain silent in the face of that. I could not. I said he lacks empathy, human compassion, and to go ahead and leave me.

 

So he did.

 

And I sit here crying over my dear Ben and am sad and sorry, angry, miserable and full of grief.

 

Maybe I deserved it all.

 

Danielle, you didn't deserve it. You are a victim of domestic abuse. A lot of abuse victims end up being convinced that they deserved it. Please call an abuse hotline and get yourself some help.

 

At some point you stop being a victim and start being a volunteer for all this pain. Stop allowing this to continue and do something about it.

[Danielle1114]

I want to follow up a bit.

 

He explained himself. He is wallowing in guilt, anger, depression and a great deal of rage due to unresolved feelings about his divorce. He has been getting massive pressure from his ex and her family about coming back. He doesn't want to. So he has huge guilt, feels harrassed and trapped all the time.

 

Then he deals with my anxieties, feeling like a loser, a failure, like he can't make things right.

 

He reached a point of breakdown and outburst, raging a everyone. He says he alternates like a rollercoaster between feelings and helplessness, numbness and he tries very hard to keep it from coming out on me, hence the silences, not speaking, going off by himself to try and sort it alone.

 

He is not stable. He was cruel. He says he knows it. He isn't asking for anything, but was trying to explain what has him at such a high level of emotion, that almost everything is setting him off.

 

So breaking up? I know he cares, despite his behavior. I am at my limits. He needs to sort himself. I support him to that effect, but he will need to do it elsewhere. I think he really needs to be alone and process through and stabilize. He acknowledges that he has been abusive to me and that I can't help him.

 

It seems really obvious that on some level he has not worked through the issues from his prior marriage. I know his ex is dogging him and won't let him alone on it.

 

Well I WILL let him alone on it. I told him to go take some significant time to sort himself. I did not ask him to come back, or if he is coming back, not did I imply he would be taken back.

 

I want the lovely man I used to have. This man is in a rage, hurting, and deeply confused. I wish I could do it for him, but he needs to find his way back to himself on his own. He clearly has mental and emotional health issues he needs to be addressing.

 

No one can take that kind of journey for someone else. I know, I have had to take a few myself.

 

I do have an individual counselor. We are working on ways for me to stabilized my self and my own life.