When I show upset about his affair he rages

[The Samurai]

 

He has lines of communications again, but I don't really know what to say, so I said nothing. I am just thinking a lot about what people posted here. The thought of trying to talk to him, and I feel afraid and tearful. I don't think I can talk to him right now because I know I will be telling him he can never do those things again, and I will get no good response. I could use a peaceful day.

I have seen many women in such hopeless case, and still trying to save the relationship. But it ends very bad mostly. They only get hurt more and more. Then when they finally realize the reality, they found how much useless time and effort they waste.

 

Again, save yourself now and don't waste more time. He doesn't seem willing to change, so no point of trying to help someone doesn't want to help himself.

Save yourself and move on. You seem a very sweet supportive wife. There are many good men out there looking every where for such good wife.

I wish you best luck!

[Danielle1114]

We have had a vacation planned for a couple months from now. It's going overseas and I am backing away, so he is MAD at me about it, and says he never knows what to expect from me. He has to sort visas.

 

So no love there, just an underlying rage at me first for being so upset, and second for trying to backpeddle the vacation. He is deliberately being a jerk to me. tbh not encouraging. I feel really scared.

 

Think I will just go quiet. I really don't want to go anywhere with anyone who seems to hate me so much. I don't even know why he wants to be around me when I am so terrible a person.

 

I know what people are thinking, why would Danielle want to be around such a difficult person as him. I don't. I guess I figured trying to talk as a last ditch effort and I lost momentum barely into trying to talk to him.

 

I just feel depressed now.

 

Thanks for the responses. At least I know I am not some crazy person who is being wierd about all of it.

[Spark1111]

isolating the victim and telling them THEY are the crazy, irrational and disturbed one is one of THE CLASSIC SIGNS OF AN ABUSER.

 

RUN, DANIELLE, RUN away from this damaged man.

 

IT will only get worse....much, much worse.

 

BLOCK HIM from all means of contact....today.

[Quiet Storm]

You can't change him. He needs to be introspective and self aware in order to change...he's not. He shifts the blame and avoids accountability.

 

I think you should separate. He's not willing to change. You don't have kids, so there isn't anyone else that will be hurt by a split.

 

Ask your therapist to help you make a plan. You may not be emotionally ready to leave him yet, but your therapist can help to get you there.

 

I'm sorry he is being such a jerk. You deserve better.

[The Samurai]

We have had a vacation planned for a couple months from now. It's going overseas and I am backing away, so he is MAD at me about it, and says he never knows what to expect from me. He has to sort visas.

 

So no love there, just an underlying rage at me first for being so upset, and second for trying to backpeddle the vacation. He is deliberately being a jerk to me. tbh not encouraging. I feel really scared.

 

Think I will just go quiet. I really don't want to go anywhere with anyone who seems to hate me so much. I don't even know why he wants to be around me when I am so terrible a person.

 

I know what people are thinking, why would Danielle want to be around such a difficult person as him. I don't. I guess I figured trying to talk as a last ditch effort and I lost momentum barely into trying to talk to him.

I just feel depressed now.

 

Thanks for the responses. At least I know I am not some crazy person who is being wierd about all of it.

At least you start to wake up and realize the truth.

Leave him before it's too late.

[ThatMan]

I ask that you please stay safe. Traveling aboard with this man doesn't seem like a good idea.

[Danielle1114]

I'm not sure there will be a trip. He is Russian, tensions are escalating with Russia as agressor in Ukraine, at that point European/Western countries beging saying no to visas.

 

I can step back further and encourage him to start looking at his own issues. Obviously I have a lot of considerations. He starts listening more when I pull away.

[The Samurai]

Please leave him. Enough the time you already wasted of your life. There are millions of men out there. This one is not the right one.

Stop wasting your life for fake hope, and start looking for your happiness!!

[2sunny]

I'm not sure there will be a trip. He is Russian, tensions are escalating with Russia as agressor in Ukraine, at that point European/Western countries beging saying no to visas.

 

I can step back further and encourage him to start looking at his own issues. Obviously I have a lot of considerations. He starts listening more when I pull away.

 

You can't expect him to change!!! This is who he is!

 

He cheats, he's angry, he's mean!

 

Change is up to YOU!

 

Get that completely abusive man eliminated from YOUR life!

 

Seek counseling! Putting up with his behavior is not ok! You need to find out why you would even consider speaking to him ever again!

 

You have some soul searching to do.

 

But stop handing him ALL YOUR power!

 

 

There's nothing "complicated " about this. He abuses and you let him.

 

Stop letting him!

[VeronicaRoss]

That's a very useful staple of the bully -- get enraged and self-righteous when called on their behavior. It makes most people shut up, and that's their goal. What they don't count on is it chases smart people away too.

[Danielle1114]

I am in counseling. I just began a few weeks ago. Ostensibly to address my angry outbursts. Something I seem to have acquired after he cheated.

 

I will address the issues in therapy. Promise.

[SD1000]

I am in counseling. I just began a few weeks ago. Ostensibly to address my angry outbursts. Something I seem to have acquired after he cheated.

 

I will address the issues in therapy. Promise.

 

 

 

You mentioned that when you pull away, he becomes more patient. He may not have been ready to really dig deep within himself because he never considered needing to do this before because he never felt that he may actually lose you. I recommend sending him a written message telling him gently, but firmly that you need him to be non defensive and to have sincere communication about what happened and why. You can tell him that you realize that this may be too difficult for him, but that it is something you will need before you can try to reconcile.

 

 

If he gets angry at this message, then ignore him unless you see real and consistent change in him.

[2sunny]

I am in counseling. I just began a few weeks ago. Ostensibly to address my angry outbursts. Something I seem to have acquired after he cheated.

 

I will address the issues in therapy. Promise.

 

There would be no issues if you get rid of the cause = an abusive cheater.

 

 

Think of all the therapy money you can save by cutting to a solution!

Edited March 1, 2014 by 2sunny

[The Samurai]

I am in counseling. I just began a few weeks ago. Ostensibly to address my angry outbursts. Something I seem to have acquired after he cheated.

 

I will address the issues in therapy. Promise.

Love is blind indeed..

 

You'll address the issues?!?! He is the issue.

You will wake up some day, and will see that. Hope this happens before it's too late.

[Oberfeldwebel]

Visa's are granted by the country you are visiting and Russia is all about appearance, so they will allow entrance, just to show all is well. I am not telling you this man doesn't have good qualities, I'm sure he does. However, he has issues that make him a poor marriage material. Since he refused to acknowledge these problems, there is little to no chance of them being resolved.

 

I am happy that you are in counseling. I think that you find that your reactions to his behavior are quite normal. He is from a society where men's dalliances are tolerated, but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate them. There are many men that would value you as a partner, don't sentence yourself in a relationship that has little chance of success. I know it will still be difficult, but do yourself a favor and close this chapter.

[Danielle1114]

I am a person who tends to moderate behavior, mindset, emotionally. I won't be acting in any direction without thought.

 

Thanks for the validation about the human response to these events. I guess I knew all along. Therapist reinforces this. I have spent a lot of time in the last few years trying to "convince" my significant other that my response is natural.

 

Typically his reply is "I understand why you would be upset, but to be SO upset?" I think he is in a state of denial, despite obvious repercussions all around him, about the impact his actions have had. I understand he has a lot going on outside of me, in terms of what is effecting his mindset. He is highly resistent to getting blamed or being held accountible.

 

Like I said, I am learning to make my point by withdrawing.

 

I have no intention, as an American citizen, of going to Russia any time soon. Maybe he will.

 

The current problem revolves around that I don't feel I can trust him. Acting out at me for being mistrustful is what he does, and it's preventing me from recovering that trust. I do tend to express doubts when I feel them, and I let him know what it is that triggered the doubt.

 

He reacted this morning with this little gem: Ok next time I will lie something. Too much effort to tell truth.

 

He was mad at me for not trusting him on something. Now I trust him even less. And sure, I understand it looks cleaner to just save the therapy money and end it.

 

I am not ready to take that step right now. But there isn't much left for me with him unless he does a 180 and addresses himself. btw, I DID write those kinds of emails to him. What appears to be happening is his temper gets the best of him, ie HE loses his temper and smacks me around, then he goes back to trying more. He knows he is doing it. Once he calms down, he goes back to making effort. But he gets mad again and does a lot of damage while he is angry. These days, it doesn't take a lot to set back me feeling like I can trust him.

 

thanks for all the comments, I am thinking on what people are saying.

[Danielle1114]

by smacks I meant, he tells me off, walks out, hangs up, or otherwise does disappearing acts, or abandonment tactics.

[Ladydrib]

He said to me "I am tired of your sh*t. Then he took me by the arm and shoved me outside and locked the door behind me, telling me we are done FOREVER.

 

 

I'm sorry, was reading your post but couldn't get past that paragraph above without my jaw dropping and having to say something immediately.

 

DO NOT ACCEPT that behavior. This man needs to be dumped by you. Not to upset him. Not to make him know what he's losing. For no other reason but he deserves no one. Do not allow yourself to be abused in that way. Walk away from this man forever. You'd be better off alone than with someone who will treat you like that. I'm disgusted by how he treated you. It's unacceptable.

[Danielle1114]

yes. I am inclined in that direction. He is telling me right now that I have alternatives to making him mad. I have the choice of shutting up or the choice of making him mad.

 

Because I talk too much when I get panicked or anxious, or ... upset. I guess it is just upset, because I am not yelling or swearing or anything, just repeating asking him to reset his expectations and understand I am upset, rather than trying to make me shut up by bullying me.

[2sunny]

yes. I am inclined in that direction. He is telling me right now that I have alternatives to making him mad. I have the choice of shutting up or the choice of making him mad.

 

Because I talk too much when I get panicked or anxious, or ... upset. I guess it is just upset, because I am not yelling or swearing or anything, just repeating asking him to reset his expectations and understand I am upset, rather than trying to make me shut up by bullying me.

 

And why do you think you need to stay with a man that treats you so poorly, disrespects you and tells you not to have a voice to speak your truth?

[Danielle1114]

ha, I get your point that i am looking like a doormat here. This crap started in the last 2 years, after the troubles with his ex, the affair. Before that he was the calmest, kindest man.

 

I guess I stayed for the same reason a lot of BW stay. I was not believing it, that he meant it, I thought he wasn't understanding, I thought he was depressed. On and on.

 

Now I just think he needs to stop being a dick. A reason he refers to sometimes is that english is not his native language so if I talk too much he gets frustrated because he looses the point I am trying to make.

[ThatMan]

What appears to be happening is his temper gets the best of him, ie HE loses his temper and smacks me around, then he goes back to trying more. He knows he is doing it. Once he calms down, he goes back to making effort. But he gets mad again and does a lot of damage while he is angry. These days, it doesn't take a lot to set back me feeling like I can trust him.

by smacks I meant, he tells me off, walks out, hangs up, or otherwise does disappearing acts, or abandonment tactics.

 

Did he really shove you?

You initially mentioned that he laid his hands on you.

Did he physically hurt you?

 

I'm not there. I do not know what happened. But I do know that you clearly seem unhappy with the situation. Your most immediate concern should be your personal health and safety. If you feel unsafe at any point then you must remove yourself from the situation. There are some options out there for you to willingly select from: visit a shelter, take a long car drive, talking to a friend one afternoon, continuing to enlist the aid of a therapist, and so forth.

 

There is nothing wrong with walking away for a breather. What's important is that you have a moment to look after yourself.

...Why would you ever suggest that walking away from a poor situation is the same as smacking someone?!

 

It's O.K. to look after yourself, take a breather, and unwind from a stressful experience.

[KatZee]

Look, I get that you have 7 years invested, and you had a great few years together and you're hoping that what you had is going to come back, but I'm here to tell you, you won't. The past is gone. It's dead and buried 6-feet under and it's NEVER coming back. What you had with him before all of this, will never exist again.

 

Once you get that into your head and really wrap your mind around that statement, and accept it, you will be able to leave this guy.

 

My ex cheated on me as well and he basically only confessed because someone threatened to tell me. He did exactly what your boyfriend is doing. He never wanted to talk about. Wanted to sweep it all under the rug and pretend it never happened. If I got upset and wanted to talk to him or know all the details, he would get angry, tell me I was starting drama, he would go 2-3 days ignoring me.

 

Basically the demise of our relationship was MY fault. That's how he wound up spinning the whole thing. He was a master manipulator, a liar, a cheat, completely selfish, uncaring, and unsympathetic to my pain. Everything was about him and how I was now making things terrible. He didn't care at all that he had been having sex with someone else. He didn't care how much he hurt me, or what he did to the relationship. All he wanted was to be guilt free and forgiven.

 

As if!

 

Sorry, but this story doesn't have a happy ending. After enduring his emotional abuse after he cheated on me, I became a shell of myself. I was nothing. I became scared of even talking to him or showing him any emotion whatsoever because even the littlest thing would set him off, make him mad, then he'd ignore me again as "punishment."

 

This guy is going to ruin you, and quite honestly he already has ruined you. The fact that you're perfectly OK remaining in this situation should show you just how low he's kicked you down and how little self-worth, and self-esteem you have.

 

You're never going to change this guy. He's emotionally stunted and immature. He can't communicate, he can't solve problems, he doesn't own up to his own issues, instead of facing the reality that he's the one that caused this, he walks around as if he has nothing to do with anything.

 

Get out now before you waste even more years of your life. The right guy is out there waiting for you.

 

Oh, and PS: after my ex cheated and "confessed" and said how ashamed and remorseful he was? He cheated again. These kinds of guys are never sincere. They're only out for their own best interests.

Edited March 2, 2014 by KatZee

[2sunny]

ha, I get your point that i am looking like a doormat here. This crap started in the last 2 years, after the troubles with his ex, the affair. Before that he was the calmest, kindest man.

 

I guess I stayed for the same reason a lot of BW stay. I was not believing it, that he meant it, I thought he wasn't understanding, I thought he was depressed. On and on.

 

Now I just think he needs to stop being a dick. A reason he refers to sometimes is that english is not his native language so if I talk too much he gets frustrated because he looses the point I am trying to make.

 

If you break it off he can be a dick to some other gal.

 

I hope you aren't thinking he's gonna change. This is who he is when caught cheating.

 

He's just not nice. And to think he's not nice when HE cheated? I can't see any reason to stay even 5 minutes longer.

 

You have time invested sure - it could be like me - 23 years invested and he still intended to be the same cheating dick he'd been for well over 10 years.

 

When someone shows you who they really are - believe them.

[Danielle1114]

I appreciate your response, KatZee. I think I triggered you off a bit. The silent treatments, the punishments. I know them well. I started giving myself week long breaks when he does that. That is, when he starts it, I tell him I will be back in a week. I come back in a week.

 

For some reason he hardly does them anymore. It was a terrible struggle for me for a long time to get that detachment.

 

I am not "perfectly fine".

 

ThatMan, he did put his hands on me. No, I was not physically hurt. I had complained to him about walking out on me in discussions, so he pulled me to the door ( and I live there!), opened it, and pushed me out. Then he shut the door and locked it behind me.

 

Probably some of you will understand his reason for doing that.