Danielle1114 Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 My story is really complicated, so if something doesn't make sense, just ask, so I can clarify. My significant other had an affair. We have been together for 7 years. He had the affair, returned and wanted to reconcile, then has proceeded to relentlessly try and force rugsweeping on me. He has come a ways since the beginning and is now more supportive, but refuses to answer any of my questions, insists that I am living in the past, if I try to discuss, he becomes very upset and will walk out on me, hang up the telephone on me. He has disappeared for days at a time ( to his mother's where he stays and refuses to speak to me). I myself have run through my patience and get upset.. tears, anger, trying to explain why I am so upset. He says simply to me that he understands that I have reasons for upset, but he is not willing to hear how bad he has been, he says if you want to talk about it, talk to someone else. So I just started individual therapy. We have frequent arguments. Almost all of them have to do with him still not having good boundries. We both get pretty upset. He ends our relationship when he gets really angry, then calms down and comes back and wants to pick things back up. I, myself, have been learning to detach and the therapy is helpful to that. But, all I hear from him is how horrible I am for putting him on the spot about his affair. He is putting aside the affair and holding up my response to it as THE PROBLEM. My getting angry, or asking questions, or the panic attacks ( which he says doesn't exist, simply I am losing control of myself and RAGING.) As time goes on, he seems to be accepting that I have a lot of hurt and anger, but he decides how I express it. Then he decides to ALWAYS end the discussion by refusing to respond. If I persist, he walks out on me. I feel really hurt and frustrated, I don't know how to get through to him. 100% of the time, I feel he is blameshifting it all onto me. Yesterday, I had a trigger, became moderately upset ( I was respectful, but clearly upset and I pointed out to him that his actions in the affair had caused some long term damage.) He said to me "I am tired of your sh*t. Then he took me by the arm and shoved me outside and locked the door behind me, telling me we are done FOREVER. I pointed out to him that I understand maybe he is upset, but this response is not helping, the constant relationship ending then coming back is traumatizing. I told him he can always end a conversation in a less damaging way by just saying he needs a break.. After an hour or so, he text me that he needs a break. I am causing him to have high blood pressure and headaches. I had left by then to go elsewhere, since he was still at home. I saw he had unfriended and blocked me on facebook, and deleted me on skype. I let it go and went to calm down. After about half an hour, he is texting apology, I see he is requesting to be a contact again. He sends an apology saying he just is stressed and really does need a day to calm. I said "OK" and I haven't said a word since. I went back home, and he has left for his mom's. I know he will be back. But I am kind of in a state right now where I am just giving up. This really hurt this time. It's always really hurt, but this time I don't feel this huge anger. Just sadness. I feel hurt and am crying a lot. Maybe the therapy is helping me past the anger. At this point, I am not sure what to do. He has made some progress to being more supportive, but tbh it's been so little for so long, and he turns it all around on me to where I am the problem and HE needs me to accept that, THEN we can work together while he is trying to make ME prove MYSELF to him, that I can be calm and let the past go or ELSE. It's so much WORK. I can't get him to sit down and have a discussion and answer questions. He keeps wanting to be here, has his outbursts, does his unfriending and disappearing acts every couple of weeks or if he feels I put him on the spot. I guess I had some hope, but it's nearly gone. Is there any way to get through to this man, that as the guy who cheated it's up to him to prove HIM to me, not the other way around? What do I do? Right now, today, I was planning on letting him know that I need some time to calm down after yesterday's event. He will respect it. But after that? It's just back to forcing me into silence. I don't want to be silent. I want his active participation to repair instead of saying to me here is this line, that was then, THIS IS NOW SO LET IT GO. I can't do that. I don't want to fight, but the way he is forcing this on me is hurtful and dehumanizing after all of the really bad things he did during the affair.
waterwoman Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 Good god! Do you really want to stay with him? What an utter sh&t! it seems to me that he is the one that needs therapy. So sorry 12
Chi townD Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 So, he cheats. You try to work things out and when you trigger, the first thing he does is says he's tired of this sh*t; PHYSICALLY grabs you and throws you out locking the door behind you. Screw that! Move on. He's not worth it. He screwed up, not you. You can do so much better than this douche rocket. Wow, that got me spun up! Make arrangements to get set up somewhere else. Grab your stuff and go. If he literally grabs you by the arm and shoves you out, then he isn't sorry that he cheated, he wants to rug sweep the enter affair. Sorry...move on to someone better. 8
Candy_Pants Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 Don't be his doormat. Ugh this guy is a ****ing creep. Get his ass thrown in jail where he'll be taught a lesson about hitting women. 4
katielee Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 "He said to me "I am tired of your sh*t. Then he took me by the arm and shoved me outside and locked the door behind me," You asked what you should do? LEAVE!!! AND NEVER LOOK BACK!! Because you're being physically and emotionally abused. 2
Ailsa1983 Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 May I ask why you are still with this man ? Do you love him ? I can't possibly see how you can. Does he have some kind of hold over you ? He is a narcissist and he will cheat again and again and expect you to be ok with it and close your mouth too. 2
Author Danielle1114 Posted February 27, 2014 Author Posted February 27, 2014 yes, I thought so, too. To his defense, I have become so upset about these responses that I, myself, have ended up in a huge mixture of anger, tears, and total panic. I guess it's panic because my body is shaking and my heart is pounding so hard, you can see my chest shake. So at that point, he very much is getting an upset person at him. The affair ended last August. The therapist has helped me calm down the extreme response I just described. I have learned to dis-engage most of the time and take a few days to stabilize. I have noticed when I do that, he is shifting to being more supportive. This sort of incident I told happened yesterday has probably happened a 30-40 times in the last couple of years. It's been happening less, as I refuse to have contact for a week after it happens. I guess I thought he was finally starting to "get it". It's been a few weeks since an incident and I was feeling more hopeful. It seems clear to those of you who responded. I feel unwilling to give up but right now I don't feel like trying. Maybe a few days of calming, my head will find more clarity. I know I don't want these things happening anymore.
Author Danielle1114 Posted February 27, 2014 Author Posted February 27, 2014 May I ask why you are still with this man ? Do you love him ? I can't possibly see how you can. Does he have some kind of hold over you ? He is a narcissist and he will cheat again and again and expect you to be ok with it and close your mouth too. Alisa, I thought the years before this were wonderful. I had hope we could get them back. His background is quite bad. His affair was with an ex who he has a kid with. He allowed himself to be shamed into going back. They abused him. Her and her family physically abused him. He came back to me, furious and ashamed. I think he feels he was vulnerable and got bullied into the situation with the ex, so he is basically telling me he was stupid, he is sorry, he is enraged when I am upset because he feels he was attacked and abused over in THAT situation. So he just blows to pieces when he has to really examine it and wants me to just shut up because I was not the only person hurt. Maybe his side is just him blowing smoke. It makes me pause and try to understand instead of just saying good bye jerk.
Chi townD Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 Girl, this isn't the only guy in the world. He cheated on you and those feelings and triggers can last for YEARS! You have every right to be upset, angry, sad, pissed....every right. And if this douchebag doesn't realize that you are that way because of what HE DID, then he needs to leave. Believe me, there are guys out there that won't cheat. There are guys out there that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. There are guys out there, that would never manhandle you out of anger (in the bedroom...well, that might be welcomed! hee...hee.) There are guys out there that will be an equal partner in life to you. This guy isn't it. This guy isn't sorry it happened. He's sorry he got caught and now has to endure your moods. Well, I say you should relieve him of that burden. I'll say it again, you deserve better. 5
Chi townD Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 I think he feels he was vulnerable and got bullied into the situation with the ex, so he is basically telling me he was stupid, he is sorry, he is enraged when I am upset because he feels he was attacked and abused over in THAT situation. So he just blows to pieces when he has to really examine it and wants me to just shut up because I was not the only person hurt. If he was hurt, then that was his own doing. Push comes to shove, he made a choice and he chose to leave and to cheat. No one held a gun to his head. Now, if he feels that it was a mistake, well...that's a mistake that he will have to live with because you don't have to. 1
Author Danielle1114 Posted February 27, 2014 Author Posted February 27, 2014 I am positive about his story. I have been the recipient of attacks from his ex ( not physically, but harrassment) and she has claimed they beat him and he deserved it for failing as a father and husband. Very malicious lady who seemed to think she was funny. Yes, it was his choice. He expressed a statement of anger at what he allowed himself to do, anger at himself, anger at them, he is deeply humiliated. I am thinking he needs to understand this wasn't one situation, but 2 : his interaction with people who abused him, the second that he betrayed me. It seems a lot of times he is presenting to me that he felt bullied and forced into those actions because of his own guilt and weakness, so if I got hurt as a result, then I shouldn't blame HIM because on his own he would never have done it. I can follow the reasoning, and maybe there is some truth for him in it, but it doesn't always help me to think about it.
Ailsa1983 Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 May I ask what ethnic you and your husband is ? Or are you religious. I'm sorry for asking I don't intent to be rude nor ignorant but I can't understand why a fully grown man would allow his ex's family to physically harm him or why he always runs to his mothers house when he can't handle the situation at home
Author Danielle1114 Posted February 27, 2014 Author Posted February 27, 2014 I am American. He is Russian. His family and ex and her family are Russian. We live in the US. I understand why you would ask. His ex is extremely religious. He is not, but he has had a pretty big guilt complex in the past over how he divorced his ex. It was before we met, and he has struggled a lot with guilt and feeling he was a jerk for walking away from them.
Ailsa1983 Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 I think you are focusing too much on him and his ex and her family. I think you need time out from this relationship maybe have a vacation and reflect on what you want out of your life. You need to be angry, upset and hurt from his actions and maybe being away from him for more than a week to clear you head will do good ? A vacation (if plausible) would be good for you, treat yourself 1
No Limit Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 No offense but I'd give him up. He avoids confrontation with his past, his faults; well, I got news, once you reach a certain age which makes society call you an adult you sadly have to take responsibility for what you do. If you have questions he better answers to them; most betrayed spouses even demand - and also get - full transperancy from the wayward spouses, such as regulary checking their phone and mail accounts and what not. He's avoiding it all and overreacts. He's unstable. 1
The Samurai Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 Give him up.. You already wasted enough time trying to fix things up, don't waste more time. He's not worth it. Please, save yourself and dump him before he hurt you more (and sure he will). 1
thummper Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 And you're staying with this stubborn, unfeeling POS because why??? 1
Author Danielle1114 Posted February 27, 2014 Author Posted February 27, 2014 I don't even know anymore. His recent statements to me are he wants to skip over discussion about his affair in favor of him offering simple support. He says what he has done, he can offer no justification for, there is no "good reason", so lets accept he was a cheating lying douchebag and move on with out further blaming and build up a good relationship that for him involves not speaking of the past and letting it go. Is this healthy? When I try, things go smoother, except I feel marginalized. I don't know how to explain it but on a deep level, I feel really sad and worthless when I say nothing but do as he wants. 1
Spark1111 Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 he has deep, deep, unresolved issues and YOU are the one in IC? Hmmmmm.... You sound like a sensitive and kind wife. You understand his guilt and shame; his humiliation at being duped and beaten by her and her vengeful relatives....He should have called the police on all of them. Did he? Or did this happen in Russia where the policeman is NOT your friend when it comes to familial beat downs? What you CANNOT understand is how his d#%k wound up inside her. AND as his SO, you have EVERY RIGHT to feel this way. So while you and your relationship was betrayed, his feelings of shame and humiliation trump your residual pain. And as long as his rage at your feelings continues; his inability to truly communicate what led him down this path, you will never feel secure in this relationship. he is showing his conflict-avoidant weaknesses, and until he can confidently and with introspection talk of his cowardice to DEAL WITH ALL OF IT, you will never respect him. So I say let him stay out of the house; do not take him back. Change the locks and wish him well. he can go to IC and deal and become a better partner to you...maybe grow-up. Or, he can stay away and like a child, keep running from all those demons. 4
onemanband Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 He needs to realize this is how you will heal if thing's stay unresolved it will be like a Cancer and grow he needs to come to terms and speak on it because u didn't have to take him back he should b doing everything he can to get trust back n the relationship if things don't change u can't live like this sounds like he wants to b the victim not you take time to find yourself I hope this gave u some insight good luck 1
HtotheN Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Please get out now; it will only get worse. Be thankful that you do not have children by him and get the heck outta there!!!!!!!!! I understand not wanting to give up, but in tolerating this abuse, it would seem that you gave up on yourself, so don't!!!!!!
Oberfeldwebel Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Never, ever,ever does a man get to lay his hands on you, I don't care what happened in his past. This is illegal and should never be tolerated. His behavior is extremely immature and since he will not address his issue, is not likely to change. This is not a man you want to marry and have children with, as his lack of control will be extended to the children in the form of abuse. Let him go back to his mother, continue therapy, close this chapter in your life and move on to an adult relationship.
Author Danielle1114 Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 That is a little sad to me. Ok a whole lot sad. He is constantly at me about how *I* can't control myself. For the last couple of years, after he does his disappearing act. unfriending, and blocking.. I tried to re-engage and end up with days and weeks of the blocking and silent treatments. Maybe like a regular person, I don't know, I tried to talk and this refusal and hiding was in my face and I would end up in a terrible outburst, which involved shouting, crying, and telling him how crap he was being. He just kept it up. Over the last 6 months, I have been able to detach quicker and go about my business while he is holed up somewhere, madder than heck at me. So when he comes out, all I hear is how I can't control myself andhow scared he is around me because he never knows when I will "trigger". I "trigger", initially it's an upset under control, then he walks out, hangs up. Well anyone reading probably understands at the point he does these things, I feel worse. I have my response mostly under control, except sometimes on skype I write too long (for him, he says his skype is NOT your blog, Danielle!) and then he rages at me for it and blocks me and disappears. He has lines of communications again, but I don't really know what to say, so I said nothing. I am just thinking a lot about what people posted here. The thought of trying to talk to him, and I feel afraid and tearful. I don't think I can talk to him right now because I know I will be telling him he can never do those things again, and I will get no good response. I could use a peaceful day. 1
gettingstronger Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 There is not much more to say than what has been written so I am just stopping in to say there are lots of people on here that support you AND you need to find some support in your world as well. This will not be an easy task so surround yourself with loving and supportive people and most of all take care of you- good luck!
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