iDrumKing Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 I'm about 1 month into NC and all I've been doing for a few days now is self-blaming. I run through situation after situation wishing I would've done this instead of that, and maybe the outcome would've been different. This causes me to feel like a terrible person and that everything was my fault. I'm tired of it guys. I'm tired of crying, being sad, and thinking about it all. I've been hanging out with friends and family, I work more, I work out now. They all mask these feelings, but when I have my moments alone, THEY COME BACK WITH A FORCE. I know I sound extremely weak right now. That's probably true. Is this normal? And what do you guys recommend? Thank you ALL for the support.
Musing Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 Totally normal. It is true what people say - those feelings come and go in waves. It is how your brain is trying to rationalize what happened. A month really isn't a long time. I am about a month ahead of you (I'm almost 2 months in) and just recently I've felt genuine acceptance or comfort. Not that "Oh good, I finally stopped crying" comfort, or the "I'm going to do things to distract myself" acceptance...but I feel like I just genuinely don't want to deal anymore and am more than happy to focus on other things. I feel calmer. Of course, this could shift in a few weeks. And those shifts in moods could happen for the next few months. It's all a process. As for you, you're going through stages that still hold intense emotion. Even most happy moments for you at this point probably feel forced or delicate, and it's normal. But the sadness, self blame, anger, hope...the times you feel those, get less intense and shorter and the time in between gets longer until it eventually goes away totally and you reach complete indifference. Give it some time and until then, take care of yourself and your own obligations. Your future self will be grateful you didn't let these emotions affect your life overall And BTW, I know you've heard this many times but don't blame yourself. If someone left there is nothing you could have done - they left for their own issues. Be kind to yourself, you're the biggest supporter you have right now and you gotta show yourself some good old TLC. 2
lvroflife Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 I feel your pain. You are doing the right things. This is how the grieving process goes the "should of" " would of" "could of" is all apart of it. The things you know you can't change the past. You just learn from it. And remember you're not perfect. No one is and there is no way to perfectly handle anything. Forgive yourself right now! Look in the mirror, smile, and say "I forgive myself, I am not perfect but I'm trying".... And like I said to you prior when those emotions come let them take over and do what they have too. Let them flow and free themselves from you. Remember you are not weak... My brother, I'm sending you positive vibes for your journey! 1
Author iDrumKing Posted February 27, 2014 Author Posted February 27, 2014 Totally normal. It is true what people say - those feelings come and go in waves. It is how your brain is trying to rationalize what happened. A month really isn't a long time. I am about a month ahead of you (I'm almost 2 months in) and just recently I've felt genuine acceptance or comfort. Not that "Oh good, I finally stopped crying" comfort, or the "I'm going to do things to distract myself" acceptance...but I feel like I just genuinely don't want to deal anymore and am more than happy to focus on other things. I feel calmer. Of course, this could shift in a few weeks. And those shifts in moods could happen for the next few months. It's all a process. As for you, you're going through stages that still hold intense emotion. Even most happy moments for you at this point probably feel forced or delicate, and it's normal. But the sadness, self blame, anger, hope...the times you feel those, get less intense and shorter and the time in between gets longer until it eventually goes away totally and you reach complete indifference. Give it some time and until then, take care of yourself and your own obligations. Your future self will be grateful you didn't let these emotions affect your life overall And BTW, I know you've heard this many times but don't blame yourself. If someone left there is nothing you could have done - they left for their own issues. Be kind to yourself, you're the biggest supporter you have right now and you gotta show yourself some good old TLC. Thank you so much for the wonderful advice. Music has been a huge part of my life and what I've tried doing is listening to upbeat and good feel music. Whether people realize it or not, music has power. It has control over you. It can make you feel. So me listening to happy upbeat music, has really helped me.
Weallwalkthelongroad Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 I'm about 1 month into NC and all I've been doing for a few days now is self-blaming. I run through situation after situation wishing I would've done this instead of that, and maybe the outcome would've been different. This causes me to feel like a terrible person and that everything was my fault. I'm tired of it guys. I'm tired of crying, being sad, and thinking about it all. I've been hanging out with friends and family, I work more, I work out now. They all mask these feelings, but when I have my moments alone, THEY COME BACK WITH A FORCE. I know I sound extremely weak right now. That's probably true. Is this normal? And what do you guys recommend? Thank you ALL for the support. I too am a big offender of self blame. One minute I am really mad at her and then next I run through all of the woulda, shoulda, couldas and start replaying every minute moment over and over in my head. I know I had the best intentions but I often find myself wondering where I, me personally, screwed up. It's been a few months since she distanced herself from me but she kept me on a string and like a fool, I played right in to her hands. I was about 2 weeks in to NC but had a weak moment today to let her know something I saw on tv reminded me of a cute and funny moment we shared. Of course, no response and now I am back to playing the self blame game again and starting from scratch.
Volthi10 Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I'm about 1 month into NC and all I've been doing for a few days now is self-blaming. I run through situation after situation wishing I would've done this instead of that, and maybe the outcome would've been different. This causes me to feel like a terrible person and that everything was my fault. Is this normal? And what do you guys recommend? Thank you ALL for the support. It is perfectly normal to feel this way, I did for a while with my recent break up. OH boy did I blame myself, I cried and cried, I kept staying in contact helping him out with things because I felt I owed it to him, but in the end I sat one day and thought, there is absolutely nothing, nothing, ever that I can do to take back time and do things differently, but I take all the wrongs I did and work on myself now that I am on my own so I don't make the same mistakes twice. I finally admitted I was sick, mentally unstable (not like psycho but messed up from previous relationships) and i let it all out on my ex, he wasn't perfect either, but it takes two to tango. I was jealous, insecure, possesive, always wanted to control his every move in fear he'd cheat. etc... My wrong, he got fed up and left me. I did the whole begging, cried, gave him space and then I realized he wasnt coming back. As much as it hurt I had to let him go because he no longer wanted to be with me. But I can tell you this I have learned so much about me. You will be ok, it will take time and you will have your bad nights, its been 4 months since my break up and I still feel ****ty sometimes, but you gotta stay strong. 2
jphcbpa Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I would recommend reading, "Journey from abandonment to healing" - Susan Anderson 1
Author iDrumKing Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 I finally admitted I was sick, mentally unstable (not like psycho but messed up from previous relationships) and i let it all out on my ex, he wasn't perfect either, but it takes two to tango. I was jealous, insecure, possesive, always wanted to control his every move in fear he'd cheat. etc... Thank you for sharing. I dated my ex for about 2 years so we got incredibly used to each other. I will admit my diet changed a bit and did gain a couple of pounds, I didn't do everything she wanted to do, but pushed her to do the things I wanted to do. I sometimes threw fits over the dumbest things in the world. She... I will admit... payed for the majority of the things we did. I was EXTREMELY selfish. At the time I didn't realize it.... I really didn't. I'm not a bad person really so I hope you don't get that impression. I treated her like a Queen when we first started dating and I lost sight of things. All I needed was this breakup to be my wake up call. I know that I can take what I've learned in my previous relationship to make the next an amazing one.
Volthi10 Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 All I needed was this breakup to be my wake up call. I know that I can take what I've learned in my previous relationship to make the next an amazing one. Sadly the saying "you dont know what you have until its gone" is true and like you I realized my mistakes too late, but I forgave myself and learned ALOT from this, things i dont want to ever do, and be that person I was. Its too late to amend those mistakes, but i can only look forward to a better. you are not a bad person, you made mistakes but if you learned something out of them, you are on the right track. 1
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