reginafilange Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 I am desperate for advice. I am 22, my boyfriend is almost 23. we have been dating on and off since we were in 8th grade, so for over 8 years now. we do not live together, we each still live at home with parents. i am 8 weeks away from graduating from college with a 4 yr degree, i also work part time. he has not had a single job in his life, and also dropped out of high school senior year. does not have his GED. our relationship is extremely strained because of this. we cannot go out to movies or out to eat because he is literally broke. his parents are enablers and give him money once or twice a week. he spends the money (usually 10 bucks is given) on beer and lottery tickets. he is on medication for anxiety, has many social issues and is basically afraid of people. he is really overweight and hates himself for it and always talks about how much he hates life. I love him but it is getting really depressing never being able to do much and i work so hard all the time while he literally sleeps all day and for fun gets drunk with his friends. whenever i try to talk to him about any of this seriously his temper flares and he immediately shuts down. he has lots of anger issues and has yelled, and i mean yelled at me before and curses at me when he is angry even over something little. i know he loves me, and i feel selfish for saying that isn't enough, but it isn't anymore. i don't know what to do. the obvious thing is to leave but i am trying to do anything in my power to fix things before giving up. i have offered to help him study for his GED but he never brings it up. Thanks for reading.
Assasda Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 You can try to encourage him and make it better, but if its not going to get better, you know what you have to do
LEEVIT2F8 Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 I suggest this read your post and then ask yourself what advice you would give a friend in this situation. Your about to start a new chapter in your life. Graduating, starting a career, and moving out from your parents. How does he blend with any of that? Relationships are about having a partner. Someone you can help and support and that will also be there for you. Right now from what you described you have an anchor. I admire your loyalty. But its clear to me your going somewhere he simply can not follow. Life is what we make of it everyday. And unfortunately I can not see your journey with him going any further. His situation is so poor that you can not help him. He must decide to help himself. You are a saint for even still being there this long. But I think you already know what you need to do. Time to let go and move on... 1
Ninjainpajamas Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 Your guy sounds like dead weight, with a host of personal issues and problems holding him back in life in general...I'm not sure what kind of witchery or spell you can cast to unbind these shackles of inhibiting factors that are withholding him from being a "better man" and boyfriend. The guy essentially sounds like a complete loser, he might not be one but that's the life he is living, and drinking beer and trying to strike it big on lottery tickets with only 10 bucks in his pocket is quite pathetic indeed, I'm not really sure why you feel you can turn this around when his own parents who've raised him from birth cannot...I understand that you sympathize for him and his situation and probably see the "great" qualities in him in spite of his situation and issues but you've got to be a grown up and realistic about these things, look at where you are at and going and where is at and will likely be for years and years to come...is this the kind of guy you want to tell people you are dating and are with? is this the kind of guy you see as an equal partner or at least contributing something to your life that's worth sacrificing for? because chances are these guy is just sucking the life out of anything you do have or give and there's not much in return for you for it...after all, he's parents are enablers, what do you think that makes you? Maybe the wake-up call he needs is you walking out of his life, or maybe he doesn't even really care...either way it's a bad deal for you and you should be looking to get the most out of your life because you're the one that has worked and sacrificed for it...why drag this guy along with you carrying the load for the both of you? you think you can just change the situation to something you want? you've got to be realistic, you can't change, motivate, or encourage people who don't want help and just want to wallow in their own pity and want to find any excuse or reason for them being "stuck"...but no, you probably think hovering over him and throwing you little two cents in about his drinking and lifestyle is somehow going to "motivate" him to do something about his situation when the reality is he's partially just fine with it, but just tries to put blame or make excuses of why he's doing it. I know you've had a long history with this guy and have been through a lot and grown together, but adult life is different than child life. Life is going to change and evolve for you, and for him the bridge is going to just get wider and wider between the two of you, because your 20's is where you start to find out who you are and kind of where you belong in the working world but for him he's just going to stay stuck in the past, and chances are he's going to be a nobody until his parents either lite a fire under his butt or he's finally forced to do something about it, otherwise he'll depend on you to support him in the future and then you'll be the enabler. Leave this guy so he can grow-up and figure out what he wants to do, and so you can have relationships if you desire so, with people on the same level as you and with something in common. He's just going to be a dead weight and emotional drain, it's not going to help you get established or further in life, it'll be a source of stress and frustration and he'll just hold you back, and in the end he'll likely do absolutely nothing, because if he doesn't want to do it for himself how in the world do you think you can do it for him? Concentrate on YOU for a while and your life, get yourself together, a job, move out and don't drag dopey along with you, it seems harsh and rash but your problems are not going to go away, you'll realize as you get older that you can't change your relationships or the people in them, you've got to for the most part take it or leave it, and once in a while...if that person is willing to work with you and compromise you can fix something, but that's mostly in marriages with children where people are essentially forced (not a nice word but the truth) to make it work because there is a real incentive and greater purpose...so yes, you'll probably waste loads of energy and time trying to make the "relationship work" whatever that even means to people, other than just simply staying and repeating the same cycle, but in the end chances are you're not going to have much to show for it and like most people you'll just say "well, it was a learning experience and i grew from it"...well, have a nice time "growing", if that's what you need but if there's a lightbulb in your head, a sense of awareness of reality and realistic expectations, you might...just might, walk away before you have to learn the hard way because this situation seems hopeless...and not hopeless in the way like in a romantic novel or story or song where you "turned everything around in spite of what everyone else said!", don't be stupid, you don't sound like a dumb girl, trust your own gut and instincts about this because no matter what you do or say that is telling you what is right all along. You have start thinking about you, because when this relationship ends...it's gone, nothing won or gained out of it, but what you do for yourself will last a lifetime and won't be a waste of your time or energy, relationships will come and go, you just haven't let one guy far past it's expiration date...maybe you think you've failed for not being able to help him, but you're not his responsibility, don't be the mother to this manchild in the future, you'll only have yourself to blame and you can take a number with all the other women that say "Well...I thought/hoped he would change"
Gaeta Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 End it. You are nowhere who you used to be 9 years ago. From the age of 13 to 22 there is a world of difference. You are not kids with no responsibilities any longer. You grew in a responsible young woman and he grew into what ever you want to call it. You are not compatible any longer and you have no bright future in front of you with him. It's not because you've been dating for a long time that you've got to stick with it. When it's bad it's bad and you let go.
jrh1524 Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 Dump him hard and go for the Bigger Better Deal.
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