Should I give up?

[Confused1212]

Hey everyone. It's been a month since my ex-boyfriend of over 5 years broke up with me, and I'm still holding hope while trying to move on?

We have been in no contact since the start, however I broke it two weeks later when I asked him to talk and we met up and I tried to talk to him about getting back together.

 

He is 20, I am 22. Yes I know, we're both very young.

 

We broke up over a month ago because over new years, he decided that he was going to change a lot about himself. He gave up his hobbies (Games) to focus on what he wanted to do with his life (Music) and wanted to spend more time with his family. Also to do better in school and such. These seem like great things right? And I believed it was honest because the past year he had slacked off a lot, spent all day playing games (we both did), and he ended up failing all his classes and works the same place as his YOUNGER brother but has a LOWER position. So it seemed like maybe it started to get to him and he wanted to become better for himself. But in the process of this he began to spend a lot less time with me, and didn't talk to me or even his close friends as much. This made me confused as I thought he didn't want to be with me or was losing interest, and in the course of a month I got needier and clingier wondering what was going on. I'm sure this pushed him further, but I didn't realize it until time after the break up. We ended up talking after that month of us being in these constant fights due to the time spent apart and I guess I kind of gave him an ultimatum. He said he didn't think I was happy with the person he was becoming and I asked him "Well what do you think will make me happy?" And he said that me being a priority will make me happier, and I asked him what he thought was making me unhappy and he said that me NOT being his top priority was. And I told him, I didn't need to be his top priority to be happy, but I just wanted some compromise. He basically said he didn't see things changing, so I told him he had already made the choice of breaking up with me.. and so he broke up with me. I cried and it was a pretty emotional break up on my part, but I left and didn't contact for a week.

 

I text him and asked him to meet up, he agreed to meet the following week.

The following week we spoke in person, and it was much much happier. We were laughing and joking and he asked why I wanted to meet him and I told him that I was sorry about the way that I handled the break up after, and that I felt like I forced him to decide on what to do that day. But that the break up was actually helpful, because had we not broken up I wouldn't have seen that I was being so clingy and insecure and that now that i could see it, I thought it was something we could work through and even be stronger because we've gone through so much before. But he refused. He told me that even though he "Still loved me" that in his mind he believed I would be happier with someone ELSE who gave me more time and attention. And that he just wants to be 'alone'. He even brought up that .. lets call him Y would be better for me as a boyfriend! He wants to remain friends, but thinks that not talking for a while is the best approach. I asked him if he could think about it, and he said no. That I should move on and he was already trying to.

 

This was about 4 weeks ago.

 

Now we've been together for over 5 years, and we have broken up twice in the past. The first time was about 4 months in, where he ended up liking another classmate and we ended up breaking up and he went with her for about a week or two before breaking up with her and coming back to me another week after that saying that he was happier with me.

The second time I cannot for the life of me recall WHY we actually broke up (but this was at least a year and a half after the first break), but I believe HE broke up with me then as well, only this time I remember us not speaking for a while (I just cant remember how long), and when I began to move on, started hanging out more with Y, then he began to chase me. He freaked out and realized what we had and I refused to just get back with him so he put in SO much effort to win me back for almost 6 months before I finally trusted him enough to get back with him.

 

Now its this time. 3-4 years after the last time, this time it feels really real. But he always came back before, and I can't shake off that he'll realize what we had again. The break ups we had before were always resolved and we grew stronger each time, but we were so much more immature then. I am afraid that this time there is no hope. I feel like he is the love of my life and I don't want to give up. I know time will heal, but will time possibly make him change his mind? Or should i give that up entirely since he TOLD me to move on? Especially after he told me that I should be with Y who he fought over (figuratively) to win me back before?

 

The other thing is he also owes me money and is on my phone bill. Although I told him twice already to remove it for a single line (which he responded with "I'll do it asap, thank you." he still hasn't. And like I said.. he owes me money, but he's spending it on a tattoo? I had told him to take his time the day we spoke, but he said he'd get it to me in two weeks. Its been 3-4 since that day and I know he was already payed.. so I'll probably have to contact him on the 1st of next month to get the money and tell him to remove the line or I'll end up canceling his. But I can't help but feel like since it's the LAST connection we have, maybe there is a reason he hasn't done it? But it could also just be that he is lazy and I am too hopeful. I was hoping he'd contact me first but he doesn't seem to be and everyone keeps telling me that I should take care of the money and phone anyways, even if I have to meet him again.

 

I hung out with a friend today and she told me he mentions a friend who is female. He never had mentioned anyone to me before. She says he hangs around at home pretty much all day and that the "changes" he claimed to do don't seem very different. Another friend, his close friend, tells me he STILL misses class, even though the semester just started a little over a month ago. And STILL doesn't really talk to him at all and just rushes home after class again.

And he also got his first tattoo this week! He continues to ignore his closest friends and everything about him seems weird. He even lied to me when I had talked to him, telling me he got a third class that I asked about when he actually didn't get into it..

I know I can only assume because I am not there, but I worry for him and I miss him so much. How can he forget everything we shared? He seems unphased at this point and the thought of him mentioning a female friend seems like he has a new interest already.

I feel much more independent now, and I really do believe that things can work, but there is nothing I can do to convince him otherwise and I feel so helpless.

What can I do? Is there absolutely no hope? Do you feel like it's just a phase? Or is it just really likely that he stopped loving me a while ago and finally let go?

[bubblesbursted]

Ok let me start with saying you and I sister have been in the same boat. Ex of 3 years broke up with me like 3 times earlier and this time he did it for REAL. And the reasons for previous BU were the same as yours , "I want you be happy" and all crap.

 

So there let me tell you one thing and on/off relationship is never healthy. Like you said that after one of the BU you were finally starting to move on and he came back. I'll be honest with you, I am sorry if its harsh but he sounds like bad news. I suggest go NC hardcore. There isnt any hope, if there was he wouldnt be treating you the way he did. Focus on yourself and heal. He is gone. I understand you miss him and love him and worry about him but he isnt your responsibility anymore. Exes do that. Heck, me ex has another arm candy and he had her after one week of BU so I dont even know how he forgot everything we shared but this was my cue to move on and so should you.

 

First of all , Stop snooping around for information about him. Ask your friends to stop telling you about his routine. (I did that too and now I wish I hadnt snooped) . Trust me its better if you dont know what he is upto. You wont worry and wont be in pain. And also Stop talking to him girl!

 

About the phone bill, I know it feels like the last string and you are unwilling to let go but you need to. Ask one of your friends to talk to him and remove the connection. DONOT under any circumstance contact him directly, I repeat DONOT do that. He owes you money! Its yours. Get it removed ASAP.

 

I am here for you. I know its going to be a bumpy ride. But I can relate since my BU was a month back as well. Feel free to talk to me anytime.

 

Hugs.

Keep holding on.