dg2501 Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 Not sure if this is this topic fits here. Is it a deal breaker that my mom lives with me. Some background, she's going blind and I didn't feel comfortable having her be on her own so I moved her in, for lack of better words. I was seeing a girl who eventually had a problem with my situation, mind that I'm the provider and my ex lived with and off her parents. So I've started dating again and it's been, well, it's been varying degrees of bad. I've been upfront with with all these women about my situation, which is not going to change not because of mom's blindness but she literally is the only family I have left. So here's my question; should I just stop looking for a relationship? Plus, it's getting harder the older I get.
kaylan Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 You are doing an admirable thing. Family first. Your mom lives with you, not the other way around. You should not give a damn what some silly hypocrite of an ex think. She was living off her parents, you are providing for you mom. While it does put a damper on your privacy, its good that you care so much for your mom. Just keep your head high and know that women who balk at your living situation are selfish women of low quality. Thats how I would view a woman who takes issues with you caring for a parent in need. 8
Assasda Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 Its only a "Problem" if you make it a problem. Its only a "deal breaker" if you make it a deal breaker. A man does what he thinks is right, and doesnt apologize for it. Keep that in mind in your romantic endeavors too 4
Leigh 87 Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 I would actually think more highly of you for being selfless; taking in a family member in need is an admirable attribute. What you DO independently of your living situation is what counts... My cousin is a lazy f*ck. He earns upwards of 80K a year, he is 23 and works in finance. ...He still opts to live at home with his mum and he doesn't even pay rent. His mum doesn't have a job either:sick: like wtf? I like my family but sheesh, you have a job, you are able to support not only yourself but your mother by the sounds of things (or at least to some extent I am assuming you help support her financially?) Bad: living at home without any aspirations of moving out anytime in the immediate future. concerning: living at home after age 25 with a college education or the equivalent (skill wise), and looking for a job. No woman really prefers a man who lives at home with no job, but as long as they are LOOKING actively for work and they have an education, it is not a deal breaker for me personally. Don't stress about your mum living with you. A lot of decent women will be able to see that you are simply taking care of a parent who needs it, whilst you are out working to support yourself like a normal, self sufficient adult. 1
Gaeta Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 My mother always said if I wanted to know the true character of a man then to look at the way he treated his mom. I also would think very highly of you for taking care of your mother. To me family is everything and your devotion would touch me. You don't mention how old you are but maybe you should aim at dating more mature women or women with strong family values. I actually dated someone who's mom lived with him AND he also gave a roof to one of his niece while she was finishing University. That man understood commitment. 1
Chocolat Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 Just keep your head high and know that women who balk at your living situation are selfish women of low quality. Yep. I wonder how the women who are looking down on your arrangement now will feel when they are older and have health issues.
oz-missy Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 To anyone with any decency within them this is definitely not a deal breaker. I am in a similar situation in that my mother moved in with me after my father passed away. I am an only child and without my support my mother would be up the proverbial creek without a paddle. If you are dating someone and they see it as a deal breaker - see it as a thank goodness I found out that s/he is a cold hearted person very early on. Dating is all about getting to know people, some people are absolutely beautiful gems who will totally get that helping family out is the right thing to do, then there's others who are totally self centred. Weeding them out early is the key 1
BikerAccnt Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 It absolutely should not be a deal breaker in this situation. And if the woman you were to be seeing thought so, I'd say goodbye. My mother passed away almost 3 years ago, but before that, I was her caretaker. I was the only son in a position to do it, and I was glad too. My brothers and I really wanted to keep her out of a home, and provide a loving atmosphere for her, the way she had done for us. I sold my house, and moved in with her at age47. For 3 years, until she passed, I was honored to help take care of her. And sometimes, that care was...not pleasant. It's an opportunity I certainly didn't wish for, but am grateful to have been able to provide. Any woman, or man for that matter, that looks down on someone for taking care of their parents...well, I don't really know what to think of them. 2
isisisweeping Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 I think it's admirable and a positive, not a negative. 1
Emilia Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 What is your plan for the future when your mum is completely unable to look after herself? Are you going to be her carer? Are you going to give up your job to look after her or to work from home? How is that responsibility going to be shared with the future serious girlfriend/wife? As for those that they say these women are heartless. If they are looking for something serious, they need to take into consideration spending a lot of time with a 'mother-in-law' and we know from the Family section here how difficult it can be. My sympathies that she is going blind of course but being serious with a man where you take him on as well as his blind mother who is always around is big responsibility/commitment. 2
changeup2014 Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 Absolutely not a deal breaker at all. Think of it this way, family first and if someone can't understand that or holds it against you, I'd have to question whether I'd want to be with them to begin with. It's you as a person who they want to be with and if they can't accept you completely and 100% for who you are and your circumstances then I'd have to question whether they're someone I really want to be with at all.
slizl Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 I think what you are doing is awesome. Women should look at this in a positive light. Just make sure you are dating a woman with her own place so you can still be intimate.
kenneth1010 Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 What you are doing for your mother is fantastic but in my opinion, most modern day woman do not see that it way. They see a " mummy's boy" who's time is dominated by his mother, more so than the average " mummy's boy " because of your mother's blindness. You will not have enough time for them. Not calling you a " mummy's boy " by the way. No doubt the right woman is out there for you.
TXGuy Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 I think what you are doing is selfless and admirable. The world would be a better place if there were more people like you. However, this is going to impact your dating prospects, probably severely. While most (all civilized) women will say you are a fantastic guy for doing this, most of the same women will not get involved with a man who has his mother living at home. I doubt many of the women would admit that mom at home was the reason. No, that would be shallow. However, they will come up with some other reason that you two 'just are not the right fit.' Because how likely is a woman to enter a relationship that, if successful, would result in care taking for someone else's mother. I bet there are a few women out there that might be willing to take this on, but I'm afraid you will have to search longer and harder than if you were living alone. I salute you for your dedication to family and I wish you good luck.
Candice Luna Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 Because how likely is a woman to enter a relationship that, if successful, would result in care taking for someone else's mother. I agree with TXGuy. The problem is the long term prospect of living with you AND your mother. I'd see it the same as someone who has kids living at home. Not everyone is ready to take the whole package. And as it is now, a girl that enters a relationship with you has to accept the mother too.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 Nope, not a dealbreaker. I would find that admirable, and good for you for putting family first. Your circumstances are unique and I would certainly not discount you as a romantic interest because of that. The important thing would be that Mom respects your privacy (and vice versa, obviously) and that you both have clear boundaries. Moms have a way of always parenting their children, no matter how old those children are! If I were dating you, I would still expect that you maintain a life separate from her too. If I sensed she were overly-involved and that you were overly dependent on each other (apart from what is vital due to her medical conditions) I would be hesitant. This applies to any parent, living with their adult children or not.
Author dg2501 Posted February 28, 2014 Author Posted February 28, 2014 Thanks for all the input. It's funny how a microb of doubt in ones judgment can lead to such thoughts. I'm very fortunate that I have a mom that is not intrusive and has her own life and is not letting her handicap stop her. I actually don't have the intrusive parent problem, it's just nobody should be alone through such a life changing event. I wouldn't be surprised on day that she tells me it's time for her to move on. I guess my root issue is the pettiness of such a judgment. Some asked about the ages of these women so here's the info. I'm 36 and the age range as been form 31-42. Only one made an issue of it, the wacky ex who's 39. But blaming mom is just most recent excuse to stir up the past. Plus, they've never met; we keep out private lives separate. Her number is now blocked. I think the woman I was seeing might have thought it an issue, but made up an alternative reason not to come off as a hypocrite. Again thanks for all your words. Hope my rambling makes sense here. 3
Fly Union Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Blood is thicker than water. This is the woman that carried you in her belly for nine months. Fvvck any woman that has a problem with your living condition.
Els Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 I think that you are doing a selfless, kind deed, and I would probably be fine with it given your situation. I won't lie, it would be difficult, and there are some women who are not going to be able to accept the future prospect of living with their MIL for the rest of her life. That doesn't necessarily make them bad people, it's just like how some people are unable to accept someone who lives 5000 miles away, or is disabled, or is in the military. They are just not compatible with you. However, most of the gripes you will see about men living with their moms, is because those men are in the opposite situation from you. They aren't caring for their mom, she cares for them. She cooks for them, washes and irons their clothes for them, pays their bills for them. So those men are essentially overgrown teenagers who have no idea how to live independently, and those are the ones whom women usually find repulsive. Your situation is very different. 1
OhThatGirl Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Not a deal breaker AT ALL. I actually put a lot of weight into how a man cares for his family. I'm an only child with much older parents. My dad had 7 siblings, 4 of which had Alzheimer's when they reached their 70s. I anticipate I will have my parents live with me at some point because of the prominent family history and how difficult it can be to care for someone with such an awful disease. If I met a guy who had his mother living with him because of certain health issues I would be incredibly lucky that I found someone with similar family values that could understand the decision to care for family at home when my turn comes. It's one thing when a guy moves in with his mother because he wants to be taken care of. It's definitely another when he has developed his own life and part of that includes caring for an older parent. It's a huge PLUS. Good for you. This may help you weed out the women with different/incompatible family values much more quickly.
Noproblem Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 You are doing a great thing. Most people should not let go of their parents. Any girl who doesn't like that fact, means she is not good enough for you. Go on with your life, meet girls, you will find the girl/woman that you really deserve. Just look for them in the right places. Send your mother my regard and my best wishes <3
Emilia Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 Thanks for all the input. It's funny how a microb of doubt in ones judgment can lead to such thoughts. I'm very fortunate that I have a mom that is not intrusive and has her own life and is not letting her handicap stop her. I actually don't have the intrusive parent problem, it's just nobody should be alone through such a life changing event. I wouldn't be surprised on day that she tells me it's time for her to move on. I guess my root issue is the pettiness of such a judgment. Some asked about the ages of these women so here's the info. I'm 36 and the age range as been form 31-42. Only one made an issue of it, the wacky ex who's 39. But blaming mom is just most recent excuse to stir up the past. Plus, they've never met; we keep out private lives separate. Her number is now blocked. I think the woman I was seeing might have thought it an issue, but made up an alternative reason not to come off as a hypocrite. Again thanks for all your words. Hope my rambling makes sense here. I'm a 41 year-old woman who wouldn't be hugely keen on living with her MIL but you come across as someone responsible and level headed so I'd probably trust your judgement and that you had a good control of the situation. I'm sure you will find a good woman OP.
David87 Posted February 28, 2014 Posted February 28, 2014 My hats off to your brother, that's a very noble thing to do. Family ALWAYS comes first and the fact that you live with your mom shouldn't be a dealbreaker. Don't give up on dating, just have patience and the right girl will come.
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