Woman I've known 8 years professed her love to me. Not interested. How to respond?

[isisisweeping]

Well, you can't change that you slept with her now, but let that be a lesson learned.

 

 

Don't you dare say right now, or anything that gives hope. You don't have to say she's not pretty enough but you do have to say explicitly that you don't feel the same as she does very clearly. Don't overdo the compliments to try and cushion it either. Just "I'm sorry that I led you on, but after consideration I don't feel a romantic connection toward you and that is not going to change."

[kodakgirl]

Any form of "not ready right now" leaves the door open, as others have pointed out. You must not do this.

 

 

The combination of the bolded parts is essentially "not ready right now", and will only bring more grief than the honest, close-the-door approach.

 

Yes, please don't do this.... About six months ago, after dating a guy for a couple months where everything seemed terrific, I got the old "just not look g for a relationship right now"... and though I know 99% of the time it means "not interested", I believed him, he did have life circumstances to justify it. But that meant, for all this the, I've had hope, I've believe he really did like me a lot and maybe someday n better timing it would work out. Yeah, I just discovered he us still active on the dating site where we met. I really, really wish he just would have given a variation on "not interested"... it wouldn't have hurt any more and I would have been over it long ago rather than stuck in a hope trap.

[VeronicaRoss]

You've gotten some great advice.

 

My two cents: please don't tell her you're not ready for a relationship, that's not the truth. Tomorrow and the arrival of a Miss Right will then make you feel even worse when you see her again.

 

At some point it's critical for all of us to accept that we can't have everything we want, even if we think we truly deserve it. Better to come from a friend then a cad.

[crederer]

I don't get it. Why would you have sex with her if you just wanted to be friends? Sex it for lovers, romantic interests, not friends.

 

See, I don't get the entire FWB thing, and this is why. For most of us humans, it's impossible to keep emotions away from sex. I have a couple of female friends, I would never have sex with them. Any more than I'd have sex with my male friends.

 

Friends don't' have sex with each other IMO.

 

I'd just tell her it was a mistake to have sex, and that you are sorry that you did it. Unfortunately you aren't interested in her romantically, and due yuour mistake,you can't see us remaining friends.

 

I think she is fairly attractive (obviously). I just do not want this. I'm not religious and I don't feel that I should be her boyfriend simply based on the fact that we had sex. Quite frankly for me, I dont see sex as anything other than fun. But your last paragraph really resignates with me and I agree with it. I'm going to respond to her now.

[crederer]

So to put it into summation I responded with:

I respect your honesty and I'm going to respond with the same.

You were there when my *family member* passed. I will not forget that. i think you're a great person, inside and out.

 

I'm not over (certain things she's aware of) and even once I do get over that, I don't think we'd be a match.

 

You're a great person, with a great job and a great family. If you still want to be friends, I'd be happy to do that. If not, that's fine, too. i don't want that to suggest that we'll be more than friends under any circumstances.

 

I'll leave the ball in your court, but if you want to be anything more than friends, please respect that isn't an option.

 

I will be there for you no matter what (you know that!).

 

Sorry for taking so long to respond.

 

 

 

 

 

That's a paraphrase but pretty accurate.

[Trimmer]

So to put it into summation I responded with:

Given the situation you had before you (and with that, I'm setting aside discussion of "what you should/shouldn't have done" previously, sex-wise), I think this is a good response. It's pleasant enough and not mean or disrespectful, but still firm and unambiguous in the areas where you needed to be clear, and brief enough so you didn't start going around in circles or digging yourself a deeper hole.

[David87]

Your answer was very firm and honest no sugar coating no spinning around the tale. Hats off to you sir

[FitChick]

Just remember that this woman, until she finds someone she likes, will always be grasping at straws that you are interested. Start dating other women and let her know about it. Can you fix her up with any male friends or coworkers on blind dates to distract her? Keep reminding her that her biological clock is ticking and she should find someone who seriously wants marriage and children. Essentially you will be helping her to stay focused on her goal. Whatever you do, do NOT have sex with her again. She might be desperate enough to get pregnant. Strangers things have happened...

 

Meanwhile cool it for now. For every three times she contacts you, respond with one short message only. Your unavailability needs to sink in.

[preraph]

Just read your first paragraph to yourself. And then realize that for a whole lot of women, having sex with someone means the start of a romantic relationship. Even stranger women, most of them hope it leads to romance, and isn't just sex. Certainly someone you've known forever, if you take that next step, what else is she going to think? You are going to have to be brutally honest and probably lose her as a friend because it's going to be too awkward for her now. Tell her you were really really stupid and that you should know you shouldn't f friends you have no intention of developing a relationship further with.

[Trimmer]

Just remember that this woman, until she finds someone she likes, will always be grasping at straws that you are interested. Start dating other women and let her know about it. Can you fix her up with any male friends or coworkers on blind dates to distract her? Keep reminding her that her biological clock is ticking and she should find someone who seriously wants marriage and children. Essentially you will be helping her to stay focused on her goal. Whatever you do, do NOT have sex with her again. She might be desperate enough to get pregnant. Strangers things have happened...

The one part I agree with (and I bet the OP does too! ) is the bolded: don't have sex with her again.

 

Beyond that, you don't need to treat her like an idiot child - she can own her feelings and her situation. Don't infantilize her by assuming she needs to be "managed" by specifically waving other relationships in her face, or "reminding her that her biological clock is ticking..." WTF?

 

Just read your first paragraph to yourself. And then realize that for a whole lot of women, having sex with someone means the start of a romantic relationship. Even stranger women, most of them hope it leads to romance, and isn't just sex. Certainly someone you've known forever, if you take that next step, what else is she going to think? You are going to have to be brutally honest and probably lose her as a friend because it's going to be too awkward for her now. Tell her you were really really stupid and that you should know you shouldn't f friends you have no intention of developing a relationship further with.

You should scan the whole thread for context, not just the first post. The OP has already agreed with posters who advised him that the sex was not a good idea, given her apparent connection between it and a romantic relationship. Also, he's already given her a response, so your advice about how to respond is coming in after the fact.

[preraph]

Two jobs, Trimmer. No time to read ALL the posts. Most of the time, just the first one, which is the original post. Not planning on following your dictate.