Eternal Sunshine Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 I found this article insightful but not really surprising: Here's The Best Advice From A Single Guy Who Spent A Year Interviewing Couples | Business Insider 3
Els Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 Yes, not really surprising IMO. Still better than all the gimmicky "How to keep a man!!!" articles floating around though...
somedude81 Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 How do you make the other person want to try as much as you do? 1
Eggplant Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 How do you make the other person want to try as much as you do? All of the good qualities mentioned, each partner must have independently of the other. I guess the only control you have over your partner is in picking him or her to begin with. The article makes me wonder whether I shouldn't move emotional stability higher up on my list of priorities in a guy. It makes me ask the chicken and egg question -- is the relationship good be cause they do x, or do they do x because the relationship is good? 5
Eggplant Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I've decided, in all likelihood, the people with the happy relationships are just the people who have a happy outlook regardless. I bet it's 90% internal to the individual and only 10% external factors. 3
RedRobin Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 All of the good qualities mentioned, each partner must have independently of the other. I guess the only control you have over your partner is in picking him or her to begin with. The article makes me wonder whether I shouldn't move emotional stability higher up on my list of priorities in a guy. It makes me ask the chicken and egg question -- is the relationship good be cause they do x, or do they do x because the relationship is good? Yep, that's my #1 priority when I seek out a partner. 4
Els Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 It makes me ask the chicken and egg question -- is the relationship good be cause they do x, or do they do x because the relationship is good? Both, IMO. That's why when one notices their R spiralling downward in a vicious cycle, it can sometimes pay to be the one to break the cycle and give things a chance to recover, even if it requires a bit of self-sacrifice. (Obviously, if one finds themselves doing that too often, then the whole R requires reconsideration, but every R goes through a couple of bad spots) That being said, emotional stability is a huge thing, and I think it's a good idea to make that a priority. 1
ctxinfl Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Well, so my marriage had none of those. -Self Love: Ex constantly complained about her life. She made no attempt to have friends. She's an unhappy person in life and it negatively affected our relationship. -Commitment: When things got tough she cheated on me. -Trust: I lost count of how many times she told me she didn't trust me.
Allumere Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I just had a conversation with friends about this article. Reality is you can do all those things but if the other person isn't on board, things will still fail. 3
somedude81 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Hmm, I looked over the article again, and it doesn't mention anything about communication. Was that on purpose? My ex didn't communicate with me about her problems/insecurities or whatever and they reached the tipping point for her and she suddenly dumped me. Surely it's important for people to talk about their problems to their S.O. right?
iris219 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Surely it's important for people to talk about their problems to their S.O. right? Yes, if you want to fix or improve the relationship. If you just want out, there's point in discussing problems.
somedude81 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 Yes, if you want to fix or improve the relationship. If you just want out, there's point in discussing problems. The article is about the key things that make a relationship successful. I'm assuming that constant communication should be one of those. Frankly to avoid coming to a point where the issues just keep building up and then you want out. Or do you think it's fine to keep all of your problems to yourself and then just have a meltdown?
xxoo Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 The article is about the key things that make a relationship successful. I'm assuming that constant communication should be one of those. Frankly to avoid coming to a point where the issues just keep building up and then you want out. Or do you think it's fine to keep all of your problems to yourself and then just have a meltdown? I took the article to be new things the author learned. He addresses communication in the seek to understand, where he focuses on the listening aspect. Both are important, but listening with intention to understand (rather than defend) is often a challenge. 1
somedude81 Posted March 3, 2014 Posted March 3, 2014 I took the article to be new things the author learned. He addresses communication in the seek to understand, where he focuses on the listening aspect. Both are important, but listening with intention to understand (rather than defend) is often a challenge. Yes listening to understand is very important. Though I also believe that speaking about what is bothering you is equally important. If you don't say anything, how can your partner listen? Forgive me if I'm incorrect, but I'm getting the impression that women think it's better to keep their grievances to themselves.
iris219 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Forgive me if I'm incorrect, but I'm getting the impression that women think it's better to keep their grievances to themselves. Why do you have this impression?
somedude81 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Why do you have this impression? It's a strong feeling that I'm getting over and over from my life experiences and other stories I've heard. Plus, from this thread, nobody has agreed with me that it's important to talk about what is bothering you.
xxoo Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Forgive me if I'm incorrect, but I'm getting the impression that women think it's better to keep their grievances to themselves. No, not all. I'm incapable of keeping my grievances to myself Isn't that why women have a stereotype of nagging?
iris219 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 It's a strong feeling that I'm getting over and over from my life experiences and other stories I've heard. Plus, from this thread, nobody has agreed with me that it's important to talk about what is bothering you. Of course it's important to communicate what's bothering you! I don't think anyone would disagree with that. I do think it's important to pick your battles and discuss issues that are truly issues and to not keep bringing up petty grievances like someone's annoying habits.
somedude81 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Of course it's important to communicate what's bothering you! I don't think anyone would disagree with that. I do think it's important to pick your battles and discuss issues that are truly issues and to not keep bringing up petty grievances like someone's annoying habits. So which category would an issue that is big enough that it would cause you to want to end your relationship fall under? Frankly, I'm very scared that my next girlfriend will keep everything about me and/or the relationship that is bugging her to herself and suddenly dump me, again. What can I do to prevent that from happening? Just listening isn't good enough.
iris219 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 So which category would an issue that is big enough that it would cause you to want to end your relationship fall under? Frankly, I'm very scared that my next girlfriend will keep everything about me and/or the relationship that is bugging her to herself and suddenly dump me, again. What can I do to prevent that from happening? Just listening isn't good enough. Make it apparent that talking to you is safe, that she will be listened to, that you will be receptive to what she has to say. Be open yourself. If you want someone to communicate with you, you have to communicate with them. Get better at reading at people. When something is bothering someone, there are almost always signs after the fact, even if they never mentioned it. 1
xxoo Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 So which category would an issue that is big enough that it would cause you to want to end your relationship fall under? Frankly, I'm very scared that my next girlfriend will keep everything about me and/or the relationship that is bugging her to herself and suddenly dump me, again. What can I do to prevent that from happening? Just listening isn't good enough. The article is focusing on longer term relationships, where there has already been commitment and a decision to build a life together. If that is what you want, you need to communicate that. Start those conversations as the months wear on. Basically, take your own advice and communicate more. Pick her brain and ask her how she feels about these topics. 1
MidwestUSA Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 So which category would an issue that is big enough that it would cause you to want to end your relationship fall under? Frankly, I'm very scared that my next girlfriend will keep everything about me and/or the relationship that is bugging her to herself and suddenly dump me, again. What can I do to prevent that from happening? Just listening isn't good enough. You can't prevent it from happening. But you can't go into a new relationship ASSUMING another girl will do exactly the same thing. Please get your focus off of this and don't let it jade you. You've had one relationship that had a tremendous impact on you. But it would be a mistake to let it color your actions from here on out. Take what you've learned about communication within a relationship and apply it. YOU can only control YOU.
somedude81 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Make it apparent that talking to you is safe, that she will be listened to, that you will be receptive to what she has to say. Be open yourself. If you want someone to communicate with you, you have to communicate with them. Very very interesting. So that means I should bring up my worries and fears? Now that I think about it I barely brought up anything about the relationship that was bugging me. But my reasoning was that I was overall happy and there was no point in making waves. I also didn't want to come across as insecure or weak. Though you do have a point, if I never showed her that I can open up with what's bothering me, why should she do the same with me? That gives me a lot to think about. Get better at reading at people. When something is bothering someone, there are almost always signs after the fact, even if they never mentioned it. Just need more practice. The last month of my relationship I read her as being stressed and tired from work, but there was most likely more stuff going on that I didn't pick up on. The article is focusing on longer term relationships, where there has already been commitment and a decision to build a life together. “I’ve interviewed gay couples, straight couples, rich couples, poor couples, religious couples, atheist couples, couples who have been together for a short time, and couples who have been together for over 70 years,” So the advice contained is useful for all lengths of relationships. Most relationships fall apart once the honeymoon phase starts to end, and that's when it becomes important to put in the effort to keep things going. If that is what you want, you need to communicate that. Start those conversations as the months wear on. Basically, take your own advice and communicate more. Pick her brain and ask her how she feels about these topics. Hmm. Would that really be OK? Just ask her if she's happy or if she has any issues?
xxoo Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 No, tell her your dreams for a future together, tell her you love her, and open up that conversation. Set the pace you want, and see if she follows or resists. Be open yourself. Lead and set the tone. Consider that if you don't open up, you may still set the tone. Just not the tone you want. 1
iris219 Posted March 4, 2014 Posted March 4, 2014 Very very interesting. So that means I should bring up my worries and fears? Now that I think about it I barely brought up anything about the relationship that was bugging me. But my reasoning was that I was overall happy and there was no point in making waves. I also didn't want to come across as insecure or weak. Though you do have a point, if I never showed her that I can open up with what's bothering me, why should she do the same with me? That gives me a lot to think about. SD, I think you are starting to see that in your first relationship, like anyone's, there were some missteps which make for great learning experiences. We all make mistakes in early relationships and we learn to be better partners for the next person. We aren't born knowing how to make a relationship work. It takes practice and effort. I'm so glad you are thinking constructively about this. I know the breakup was/is painful, and I'm sorry, but what you take away from it will be invaluable. Bingo to the bolded! Would that really be OK? Just ask her if she's happy or if she has any issues? Absolutely! 1
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