I messed up we broke up.

[search4what]

My Gf and I broke up a wk before Christmas after a 3.5 yr relationship. It as been several wks and I just cant get out of this funk. I get waves of depression and I just wish she would call.

 

Well here is the background on my situation. As with every relationship we had many good times and some bad. Over the past few yrs there were times when I took her for granted and wasn't the best BF. We even broke up a couple times before, which I would initiate, but I would always come to my senses and we would work things out.

 

This past summer we had somewhat of a long break (about a month or two) which she explained to me, hurt her very badly. I guess I was feeling a little pressure about some of her friends getting engaged and decide to try and cool things with us. I realized after some soul searching that she is the woman I want to be with and decided I was stupid to let her go. We got back together and things were better than ever. I really did appreciate her more and tried to show it as best I could.

 

Things were great up until mid Dec. It was at that time that I was moving into a new apt with some friends into the same town as her. This decision was made during the summer while we were broken up so she was feeling slighted. Just to let you know, most of my friends happen to live in the same town as my ex. Well anyway, she decided to let me know how much this bothered her and would not let it go. It was more of a coincidence than anything that I decided to move while we were broken up. I told her she should not feel slighted, I just never had the opportunity before. She then was mad because she believed I moved there because of my friends and felt I always chose my friends over her.

 

This went on for well over a wk. Unfortunately I am the type of person who hates these types of confrentations and tried to ignore the problem in hopes it would go away. Well it didn't, I became a stubborn a..hole and instead of being understanding and sensitive to her feelings I got mad and became defensive. It all came to a end when she told me to come to her house one night after work and instead I went away for the wkd with some friends. The minute I got into the car I knew it was a bad idea and i had wished i driven so i could have turned around and gone home.

 

When I got home after the wkd she told me never to talk to her again and she never wanted to see me again. I tried to talk to her and explain how awful I felt but she just refused to speak to me. i sent her flowers and left her a couple apologetic messages but nothing worked.

 

We finally spoke about 2 weeks later when she calmed down, but she explained to me that I had hurt her too many times and she does not believe we can have a future together. I wish I wasn't so impulsive, because this would have never happened. Things were going well until I screwed up. I cant help but blame myself for this hole situation. I am really depressed and lonely without her. I thought we would be together forever, I had even planned on proposing later this yr.

 

I don't know what to do with myself at this point. I tried nc but my emotions get the best of me. I gave in the other day and emailed her. she called and we talked for a while. She told me she is still in love with me and she is having a real hard time with this but can not take another chance on me hurting her.

 

I am miserable without her and don't know what to do. I wish she knew how I really felt and how bad I felt when I ran away from the problem we had. I have not been able to concentrate eat or sleep. she is always on my mind and I just wish I could make things right. Where do I go from here?

[katiebour]

Why not suggest some couples' counseling with her? That would show her that you are willing to commit to the relationship and try to make it work. Plus some counseling might help you avoid future problems by giving you a forum to work on both of your personal issues before it leads to another break. My b/f just broke with me and if he came back and said he wanted to try again, I'd be tempted- but I'd also be afraid because of how much it hurts to lose him. I wouldn't want to set myself up in the position of going through that again unless I had a sign from him that he truly wanted the relationship to work and last.

[poister]

Katie has a good suggestion re couples counseling.

 

On the other hand, consider your ex GF's position. Though you may be miserable without her, she may simply be unable to handle the uncertainty of being with you anymore. What you've described makes it seem that you were the ones mainly making decisions in the past (e.g., initiating breakups, failing to follow through on her request to visit her house that evening), and that often the results of those decisions were painful to her.

 

In my situation, my ex had broken up with me and been uncertain about his desires in ways that hurt, so I broke up with him in the end - though he approached me to try again, I attempted for only 2 days before realizing I couldn't be with someone who was not 100% sure he wanted to be with me - and his saying he was was no longer sufficient because his past behaviour had not supported it.

 

It is now 10 mo.'s post breakup for me, and I am just now becoming able to speak with him again after 5 mo.'s of confusion and 3 mo.'s of NC. One of the things I still very much fear in interacting with him is that things of which he seems certain will later fall through - a holdover of the relationship, I'm sure.

 

I know our situations aren't identical, but if I could go back 10 mo.'s to right after the breakup and have the one thing that would have made things work, it would have been for my ex to tell me he had spent a lot of time being introspective, had realized he really did want to be with me, and then to ask me for the opportunity to prove it. Thereafter, he would have had to have been absolutely consistent in sending that message for a fairly long time in order for me to come to believe it enough to get back together with him.

 

I hope some of that is helpful to your situation. The main point is that in a situation of doubt, you should try to be absolutely consistent. Further, you're the one who screwed up, so let her take the time necessary to forgive you rather than trying to rush things.

 

Good luck!

[search4what]

Thanks for replying. Just to let you know, I had tried to talk to her before I posted this. We had several conversations wherein I expressed to her how I would do anything to make things right including counciling. I tried to let her know how committed I was and that I had realized the mistakes I made, how wanted to take responsibility for them and show her how good things could be.

 

Last night I couldnt handle all the what ifs, so I stopped at her house. We had not seen each other since the break and I felt as though there were many things I needed to tell her to her face.

 

I had purchased the engagement ring in November and had planned on speaking to her parents on Christmas. We were planning on going away for a weekend in January which was our presents to each other, and that is when I was going to ask her to marry me.

 

Last night I tried to tell her how much she means to me and asked her to give us a chance. She told me she loved me so much and misses me everyday but right now she cant allow herself to get back inot a relationship with me. I told her about the ring and about all of my feelings. I appologizd for my previous actions and asked her to give it one more chance. She agreed that we have a special connection and we reminissed about many good times. She cried and asked me why I couldnt had made my intentions more clear. I just miss her so much!

 

We talked for 4 hours. I really thought this was turning things, she seemed so torn and kept telling me how hard things were. The real kick in the nutz was when I asked her if she had been dating. She first denied it but later admitted to me that she had been out a couple times with someone. That just tore me apart. She tells me it was only two dates and not a big deal but I feel that was BS and she was just saying that so I she didnt hurt me any further.

 

I am so depressed. I at least had hope before our talk, now I have nothing. I dont want to eat work or do anything. I am completely lost and dont know how to cope with this. I have been in a few LTR but have never felt like this. I had plans to marry her and because I am such an idiot I pushed her into someone elses arms.

 

She said the old," I just need some time", and "you dont know whats going to happen in the future". I dont know what to do. Why did this have to happen? I cant stop blaming myself for this. It hurts so bad.....Someone please HELP!

[katiebour]

heya Search,

 

I know how you feel. My 3.5 year relationship just ended last Wednesday, and this weekend I'm moving out of our apartment into my own. The depression, stress hormones, lack of sleep and hunger and sadness were all wearing me down until last night. I don't know if this will help you, but it's working for me:

 

I realized that I was using him for emotional support. I NEEDED him to tell me constantly that he loved me, because then I knew that someone loved me and that I was a good person. When he announced the breakup, I suddenly felt like no one loved me and that I was a horrible person because I lost his love. In any case the first thing I did was to think very hard about why he was breaking up with me and what I did to contribute to the breakup. Once I realized what I was doing, I admitted it to myself- before I did this I kept thinking, "why is he breaking up with me? Everything is JUST FINE!" Now I began to admit, "yes, I screwed up- I contributed to the unhappiness."

 

Then I thought about what I could do to rectify the situation. In my case, he's been feeling smothered- so my response to that is to move out, to give him time to think and to be himself. He needs to focus on himself and not deal with my constant demands. This was tough for me, especially since we have still been living together. Since we broke up (almost a week ago) I have emailed him, sent him an e-card, called him, and messaged him on Yahoo!. I realized last night that I was almost stalking him, and that the last thing he needs is more of me- that's the whole point of moving out- to give him space. So last night I resolved to stop pestering him for contact.

 

I then asked myself why I felt the need to get him back at any cost, why it was so important for me to try and regain his love. The hard answer I came up with is that I was looking for stability, happiness, and love, and instead of providing these things for myself I had fallen into the trap of expecting him to provide them. Now how can any one person be expected to ALWAYS provide these things? And how could I control him so that he would always give me these things? I suddenly realized that I have no control over him, and that if he can't or won't give me stability, love and happiness, I cannot change that. The only person I can change is me.

 

So I resolved to provide myself with stability, love and happiness, instead of trying to force him to give these things to me. Stability-wise, I am getting ready for the move, and despite the fact that I have no car or license, am making all the arrangements myself. I am not relying on him or anyone else to help me. As regards love and happiness, I decided to try to give these things to myself.

 

This may sound weird, but I started talking to myself. I started telling myself all the things my family has been telling me- "You're a good person, you're smart, fun, kind, loving, and any mistakes you've made have been made with love and good intentions" and "You ARE loved and you will be happy again." I rephrased these statements into the following:

 

#1. I don't need him. I can and will live without him. He's just another person. He IS another person (not an extension of me.)

 

#2. I'm a good person, I'm smart, fun, kind, loving, and any mistakes I've made have been made with love and good intentions. I'm going to work on the mistakes I've made so that I can be an even better person.

 

#3. I love myself. Why? Because I'm a good person, I'm smart, fun, kind, loving, and any mistakes I've made have been made with love and good intentions. I'm going to work on the mistakes I've made so that I can be an even better person.

 

#4. No one else can make me happy. Only I can make myself happy. I want to be happy; (and because I can make myself happy) I WILL be happy again. As a matter of fact, I'm happy now. Why? Because I love myself. Why? Because I'm a good person, I'm smart, fun, kind, loving, and any mistakes I've made have been made with love and good intentions. I'm going to work on the mistakes I've made so that I can be an even better person.

 

I didn't believe any of these things when my family told them to me. I thought, "They obviously don't know me or understand what I am going through." But once I started saying them, out loud, to myself, after about 1/2 hour I started to believe them. Once I started to believe them, I built on each of them so I couldn't be negative. If I started going "I'm a good person but....(fill in appropriate self-put-down here)" I added on the "any mistakes I've made have been made with love and good intentions. I'm going to work on the mistakes I've made so that I can be an even better person" part.

 

It's odd- once I started to believe these things, it was like a physical dislocation suddenly snapping into place. This desperate need to be loved WENT AWAY. It went away because suddenly I was loved- by myself. I haven't felt this way since before my first relationship, at the beginning of college, almost 7 years ago! I realized that instead of changing at the end of my last relationship, I started a new one and fell into the same pattern of expecting love and support from someone else.

 

Today has been like a dream- a good one. I slept well for the first time in over a week, actually had an appetite, and have been thinking about all the fun things I want to do once I move- go roller-skating, rock-climbing, take singing lessons, you name it.

 

Does this mean that I didn't or don't love my ex? No. I do love him, very much so- even more so now that I realize how long he's put up with my emotional demands. I don't know if I can salvage this relationship- maybe with some time to figure things out, some space, some counseling on both our parts and continued self-love and reinforcement on my part, it can work out. But if it doesn't I'm going to do better next time around. And I have determined NOT to lose my self-love and identity again. I'm going to make a concious effort to love and support myself, and make myself happy.

 

I have not felt this confident in a very, very long time. I'm sure I would be much more attractive to my ex this way as well- more so than a grasping, desperate, suicidally depressed ex has been. Those four statements I listed above have been a kind of silent mantra for me today- and they have made a difference. I'm going to continue counseling, get a license and car so that I can be independent, and my mother is going to pay off my debts instead of my student loans so that I can support myself financially. I will not be emotionally, physically, or financially dependent on anyone again.

 

In short-

 

Take ownership of the problems you've caused.

 

Take steps to rectify the ones that can be fixed.

 

Look DEEPLY at why they happened.

 

Deal with the underlying causes of your mistakes- don't make any excuses about whose fault it is. The only person you need to be concerned with fixing is you.

 

Make yourself happy. If you have to talk to yourself to do it, then talk to yourself. No one else can change your mood- you have to make a concious decision to BE HAPPY, and then follow through.

 

Seek counseling.

 

Give your ex time to find themselves and think about what they want. In my case I need that time for both him and I, so that he can find himself again, and so that I can make sure that this change from dependence to independence is PERMANENT. It wouldn't do me any good to get back together with him at this moment in time, because the temptation to fall into my old patterns would be too great.

 

You don't have to stop loving her, and she doesn't have to stop loving you. You just need to work on becoming a healthy, emotionally whole adult. The rest will or will not come with time. If you get back together, wonderful, but if not, because of your work to resolve your issues, you won't make the same mistakes again, and your next relationship will be the better for it.

 

I think of it this way- if dependency felt that good, how much better will independent, freely given love feel? Personally, I can't wait.

 

I don't know if that helps- but it's what I'm doing, and so far so good. I'm thinking of going roller-skating next week.

 

Good luck, zen hugs, and a bunny for you

[search4what]

Thanks Katie, your words do help and sorry about your break trust me I feel your pain.

Unfortunetly i just cant do anything right now to make myself feel better. Why is it soooo much worse in the morning. All I can think about is how good it was being with her, waking up next to her, and just having her there just to do stupid stuff. I just cant get the thought of her with someone else out of my head. It is driving me crazy.

 

I know I need to give myself time to heal but it has been like 6 weeks and it has gotten worse. I guess because it is now a reality that it is over and she is not coming back. I really did have hope for a while that all she needed was time to forgive me but after the other night I now know I screwed up with her for the last time.

 

I try and tell myself it was for the best and everything happens for a reason, but that doesn't take away the pain. I talked to my brother about it yesterday and he wants to set me up with someone. I cant even bear to think about going out with anyone at this point. I guess it could help in the healing process but I just don't know if I am ready.

 

I am just spent thinking about all of this. I just want to get through one day without being sad. I really cant remember how it feels to be happy...hopefully that will come with time. For now I will just take it day by day. My biggest fear is that I will run into her while she is with someone else. I don't know how i would be able to handle that. We live in the same town which is a small city type place, so running into her is a possibility.

 

I guess I will cross that bridge if I ever come to it. The NC thing is really tough but I guess I have no choice, what more could I say to her, I left it all out on the table the other day. I am so glad I found this web page it really does help. Thanks again and if anyone else has any advice on how to get through this I would appreciate it.

[search4what]

Should I keep hope in the back of my mind? For the longest time she wanted some form of commitment from me. I was always committed to her but never really expressed it. I finally go out and totally commit and before i can surprise her with an engagement ring we break up. It sux how things work like that!

 

Do you think she will ever come back to me? Is she dating to get me out of her mind? How does the mind of a woman work? Is this her way of coping or has she moved past it and is really finished with me? This is really eating me alive.