We thought she was a perfect guest and turns out we were being used!

January 21, 2005

Dear Readers,

In September, my boyfriend and I had an aussy guest who I will call "Aussy". About seven years ago, my boyfriend met Aussy on a tour in Spain. They became friends and met again in AU before her coming to New York City. Since she was our guest, we really went our way to make sure Aussy had a great time in New York City. This was her first time in the City and she wanted to see everything. We went to many places, named it, we took her there.

I have never met this girl before and I was alittle bit nervous having a stranger staying at my place. When we picked her in the airport, I immediately had my own opinion about this girl, but I kept it to myself, put on a happy face and went along with my boyfriend (who by the way took almost a week off from work in order to be a tour guy). Aussy wasn't that bad when I first met her, but she and my bf knows each other, they were going at it, blabbing away, while I sometimes joined in their conversations. This happened several times, but I hardly care or it really didn't bother me.

Since she was far away from home, she kept in contact with friends and families through e-mails. We have a computer and she was delighted that she can e-mailed (almost every evening) her friends & families what she did and what she saw, etc. We had no idea that she was talking about us! When I say she was talking about us, I mean she literally betrayed us! She told her friends that I look like a 15 years old (I'm 24) and that my bf brought me from Asia (because I'm Asian), that I get jealous of her because she has so much to say to my bf, on and on! We only found out after she left because she had accidently left her e-mail box messages open on our computer!

Now readers, after she left about two - three weeks later, we thought we would received a "thank you" note from her saying that she had a good time, it was nice of us to take time off from work, mailed in her package (because she had too many bags to take home) etc. but we never did! My bf is very upset and we felt we were used because she really did saved alot of money coming to NYC. She stayed with us for free, ate our food, transportation,s etc. We really thought she was a great guest and I even thought I had a wonderful time with her, but after I found out what she wrote about us, we felt betrayed.

Readers, should we confront her even though she is on the other side of the world, or should we let this go? I normally don't hold any grudges on anyone or of anything that was said to me, but I felt so bad for my bf who knew this girl and having her treated us this way while she probably "pretends" to like us so that she can have a wonderful time in NYC. Please let me know what you think! Thanks!

January 22, 2005

Perhaps it takes a female to read another female…but sweetie, this girl was never interested in being your friend. However, I give you kudos for being open-minded (or perhaps naïve) with your boyfriend's request to have this strange girl camp out in your home and spend much of his time playing her host and private tour guide. Let's just hope that was all he was playing…

The reason this whole thing sounds suspect to me is because the only negative thing this girl had to say was about "you." There was no mention in your post about her saying anything derogatory about the guy who invited her (your boyfriend). As far as the "thank you", are you certain your boyfriend hasn't already received one? Perhaps he has just forgotten to mention it…you know how convenient that selective memory can be.

I also noticed how often you said "we" when trying to articulate how insulted you feel, but I can't help but wonder if this girl's total lack of regard towards you is as upsetting to your boyfriend as you might hope? If it were --- he would have already confronted her and stepped up in your behalf.

I smell a rat, Misty. Actually, two rats. But I can only hope for your sake that my intuitions are wrong this time. It will be interesting to read other people's take on this situation, but if it were me, I wouldn't say anything to this girl. After all, she's your boyfriend's mate and its up to him to set her straight if he feels she's stepped out of line and taken advantage of your generosity. And waiting to see exactly how he handles the situation may tell you a lot about his true intentions and motives.

Like mama always said: "No good deed ever goes unpunished."

January 22, 2005

i don't think it is anything like that. i wouldn't jump to conclusions. i am sure he is pissed, he was obviously used by someone he considered a friend. i would be SO PISSED if i were you. i am not sure if i would go through the trouble of confronting her about it unless you guys hear from her again. she really isn't worth the time. but if you are anything like me it helps to confront the people that piss you off, that way you can move past it and forget it.

i don't know what to tell you. but if she contacts you guys again i would definatly say something if i were in your shoes.

January 22, 2005

Going to assume that your friend is Australian. My two cents, it would have been wonderful if the girl had shown some manners and sent you a thank you, however the rest of it I'm just reading as an easy-going Australian girl. She doesn't realize that what she said in those emails you would find offensive, she doesn't understand your culture, you don't understand hers. Australians call it as it is, she thinks you look 15 she comments on it, it doesn't mean anything bad from her perspective. It is very common for Australians to host overseas guests and do all the things that you did for her, she may not see it as big a deal as you do, which may be why she neglected to thank you. I'm not condoning her for not thanking you because that is never acceptable, but I think the rest you'll find is a difference in cultures.

January 22, 2005

It's not so much her lack of etiquette or the comment about how young you looked which gave me pause. Depending on the context, the "youthful" comment could have been taken as a compliment. (I'm stretching here to give Aussy the benefit of the doubt.)

But the part that can not be lost in the translation or dismissed due to cultural differences is this:

… that I get jealous of her because she has so much to say to my bf, on and on!

Female rivalry is cross cultural, and you don't need to understand custom to read between the lines. When you put it all together and look at the entire situation as a whole, I'm still left to wonder if that "feeling" you initially got upon meeting this girl was 'spot on.'

Never underestimate your good ol' female intuition.

January 22, 2005

Thank you guys for your comments. I really appreicate these.

Ok, to clarify things up on my thread - My bf and I are living together for almost four years. We have been together for six years. My Bf knows Aussy in late 1997. When Aussy came to NYC, this was the third time they met. Nothing ever happened between them, and nothing did happened while Aussy was in NYC because I was with them 24/7. I even took time off from work to show her around. We found out she wanted to come to NYC when she e-mailed us and my BF haven't heard from her since 2001.

I agreed with gypsycat[color=red][/color] Aussy doesn't realize that what she said in those emails I would find offensive and I was offended by what she wrote in her e-mails. Not only did she wrote about me, she wrote about my BF as well saying that prior to arriving in NYC, she was worried my BF would make a move on her and she said it about a dozen times in her e-mails. I think she wanted some action from my man. LOL. I mean for Aussy to mention that a dozen times, means to me she wanted my BF to do something to her.

EnigmaXOXO, you are right - I felt she was never interested in being my friend in the very first place and she just wanted to explore NYC during our times. We never received a formal thank you note, just a christmas card. If I was Aussy, I would make sure my BF and I wrote a thank you note if we came to visit her in AU. My BF was so upset toward her now that he doesn't feel like he should go out his way to contact her again.

Einaphets - I would love to say something nasty and out of category of me but unfortunately, I am too nice. I AM LOL. I don't know why this bothers me now. Perhaps we did so much for her and what thanks do we get?!

Also, Aussy just turns 36, went home and was dumped by her boyfriend of one year, but that is her issue.

More comments are welcome!!!

January 22, 2005

I say at least write the email. Even if you dont send it, you will feel a bit better. But it was rude of her

not to even send a thankyou note. You guys were very gracious to let her stay with you.

I blame it on the crocidile dundee movies. mate indeed.

January 22, 2005

Unfortunately, there are 4,872,453,652 users on this planet other than this lady. Nasty notes, email, etc. don't phase them one bit. They all compete to find the next person they can suck dry of goodness. Let it go and be careful next time. As far as the email is concerned, you might be shocked to learn what many people write and say about you and others....people who profess to be your friend. In many cases, they are just making conversation and don't give much weight to their words....and when we are told of what they have said we take thier words out of context and with more seriousness. It's all just hot air, verbal and written.

Welcome to the real world!

January 22, 2005

Why are you choosing to get so hung up on not having received a 'formal thank you note'?. Because... that's what you would do?. Fact: not everyone on this planet thinks and responds as you would. Did she not once say thank you for your hospitality or anything else whilst she was your guest, or as she was walking out your door?. Seems a bit trivial to jump to the conclusion that you were used because she didn't send the right sort of correspondence (in your eyes). She sent you a Xmas card. If her sole intent was to use you both (and that was her true nature), such niceties wouldn't have entered into her head after having achieved her 'goal'. Think about it.

You said they met in Spain, became friends and met again in Oz before her visit to NYC. Was he not her guest whilst he was in Oz?.

You were quite during conversations, could you allow - in the context of her not knowing you and the situation - the possibility that this could have been interpretted as you being jealous?. Perhaps the reason she expressed worry about your boyfriend making a move on her was because she could find herself in a very uncomfortable situation as your guest, and have to make excuses to leave, find somewhere else to stay, in a foreign land?... and nothing more?. Seems this girl didn't really stand a chance with you.... her purpose for coming to NYC was to explore it, yet you're suspicious of her because she didn't seem too interested in being your friend... had she been, it seems you would have found something suspicious in that behaviour.

The point is... life is subjective.... we see reality not as it is, but as our mind is.

January 22, 2005

When we picked her in the airport, I immediately had my own opinion about this girl

How fair is that? and I'm sure she picked up on those vibes.

We really thought she was a great guest

Then afterwards, when you find out by reading her emails that she doesn't like you, you feel the need to shout to the world that you were USED??!! During her visit she wasn't rude or ungrateful for your hospitality...it's simple - you two don't like each other.

We never received a formal thank you note, just a christmas card.

She takes the time to send you a warm wishes card at Christmas, yet you still expect a FORMAL thankyou note? geez, how many times and in how many ways does she have to say thanks.

I would love to say something nasty and out of category of me but unfortunately, I am too nice. I AM LOL.

You don't sound very nice to me

Also, Aussy just turns 36, went home and was dumped by her boyfriend of one year, but that is her issue.

Meow...you're obviously pleased by this.

3 words of advice for you - get over yourself.

January 22, 2005

You probably do look 15. Which is cool, because you'll look younger, longer.

So she saved some money-what you going to do now, send the bill?

If she wasn't humping your boyfriend (don't think she was) then just sit TIGHT say NOTHING don't EMAIL. Just let it drop.

After all, who might need to save on transportation, food and hotel while in Australia? Unless she lives in some sh*t hole, then simply fire off an email stating she's not welcome to contact you two any more.

What probably happened was she resented the intrusion on an earlier friendship that you weren't a part of. Your boyfriend sounds like a decent guy to make sure you were included. Theymay have humped, (in the past) or she may have thought he would always be available for humping and the reality of you put her off.

Regardless, her trashing you is unfair, although you do seem a bit catty-just because you kept your mouth shut doesn't mean it didn't show through to her in other ways.

January 22, 2005

Dear Readers,

Thanks for all your comments. Unfortunately, I am alitlte bit upset what Jellybean wrote, but Jellybean is entitled to his or her own opinion.

Readers, I don't want to do any harm to Aussy because I have decided to forgive her. I didn't even confront her about this and I will not because it is already by gone. I just want to write about this because it helps to get this off my chest. But for Aussy to come to NYC and didnt even keep in contact with us for over THREE MONTHS afterwards is alittle bit unreasonable even though she had our e-mails, home address, etc. This shows me that she wasn't INTERESTED in being our FRIENDS; just that she can have a FREE PLACE TO STAY, FREE TRANSPORTATIONS, FREE FOOD, and HAVING US SHOW HER MANY PLACES, DO MANY THINGS, ETC.

New York City is an expensive City and she had her accomodations for free.

Orchid, my bf was not Aussy's guest while he was in AU. They met at my BF's cousin place, and she came for only two hours for a visit.

Readers, you will have to experience what we went through in order to believe me, that writing a thank you note is all we asked for after her lengthy stay with us. We believe it was the right thing to do by her. We opened our house to her and for her to write about us in her e-mails to her families and friends SHOWS NO RESPECT FOR HER HOSTS. If she wants to do that later on (AT HER OWN HOME) than she can. She wrote about that my BF abused his power (he's a Captain of FDNY), wore colorful t-shirts (he never wore one while she was with us), that she doesnt understands me most of time, that I am too young for my BF.

We have had many many guests in our home and they were all lovely to me. I guess because I never knew AUSSY in the first place and having her stay over a week made me uncomfortable but I survived!

I agreed with Mr. Spock....Aussy may have thought my BF was avalilable for her and the reality of me put her off.

MORE COMMENTS APPRECIATED! THANK YOU!

January 22, 2005

Originally posted by Misty_Blue
Dear Readers,

Thanks for all your comments. Unfortunately, I am alitlte bit upset what Jellybean wrote, but Jellybean is entitled to his or her own opinion.

Readers, I don't want to do any harm to Aussy because I have decided to forgive her. I didn't even confront her about this and I will not because it is already by gone. I just want to write about this because it helps to get this off my chest. But for Aussy to come to NYC and didnt even keep in contact with us for over THREE MONTHS afterwards is alittle bit unreasonable even though she had our e-mails, home address, etc. This shows me that she wasn't INTERESTED in being our FRIENDS; just that she can have a FREE PLACE TO STAY, FREE TRANSPORTATIONS, FREE FOOD, and HAVING US SHOW HER MANY PLACES, DO MANY THINGS, ETC.

New York City is an expensive City and she had her accomodations for free.

Orchid, my bf was not Aussy's guest while he was in AU. They met at my BF's cousin place, and she came for only two hours for a visit.

Readers, you will have to experience what we went through in order to believe me, that writing a thank you note is all we asked for after her lengthy stay with us. We believe it was the right thing to do by her. We opened our house to her and for her to write about us in her e-mails to her families and friends SHOWS NO RESPECT FOR HER HOSTS. If she wants to do that later on (AT HER OWN HOME) than she can. She wrote about that my BF abused his power (he's a Captain of FDNY), wore colorful t-shirts (he never wore one while she was with us), that she doesnt understands me most of time, that I am too young for my BF.

We have had many many guests in our home and they were all lovely to me. I guess because I never knew AUSSY in the first place and having her stay over a week made me uncomfortable but I survived!

I agreed with Mr. Spock....Aussy may have thought my BF was avalilable for her and the reality of me put her off.

MORE COMMENTS APPRECIATED! THANK YOU!

*yawn*.......

January 22, 2005

Lordy. Some people are just scatterbrained/disorganized/procrastinators. You can continue to choose to let this upset you endlessly, or you can, as Barby's resource suggested, let it go. Anger just wrecks your own health. So while the other party is managing her life quite happily - and will likely be unaffected by your email, you are chewing yourself up over this horrendous misdeed. My suggestion is to forget about it and move on. Have a look at Tony's sig:

Never ascribe to malice that which can adequately be explained by incompetence.

If you live that way, you'll save yourself a lot of grief.

January 23, 2005

You seem real big on the fact that you let her breathe your air...drink your water..sleep on your clean sheets ....partake in your food in the cabinets.

Granted she may not have been that grateful but perhaps she picked up on the fact that you dont share well.....not only do you expect a *ballon-a-gram* and an apology but you seem to think that your kindness deserves an award other than the fact that you helped someone out that was not too appreciative.

What can you do ? Stop tooting your own horn. You did her a favor and you wanted much more back than was possible for her to give.

My advice : Don't have people stay with you....Its toxic and pricely....

January 24, 2005

Misty_Blue,

Aussy should have written you a thank you note or send you flowers. I credited you and your boyfriend for putting up with her for over a week. You might appeared to her as a hot and cold person, but she was a guest and she should have been on her best behavior.

P.S. Send her the bills!

January 24, 2005

I would just think of this as some life lessons learned:

1. Don't have people stay in your home that you don't know well.

2. Don't play tour guide to people.

3. Don't do things for people unless you want to, without expecting anything in return. Yeah, she should have written a thank you note, but people don't do a lot of things they should. If I were you would have her again as a guest in my home? No. Would I lose sleep over this incident? No. It's kind of like the old saying don't lend money to people unless you can afford to not get it back. When you give something to someone else you shouldn't expect to get anything in return. That's why it's best to be careful about who you give things to.

4. Don't read other people's emails. Even people you know well and like are bound to say some things about you that you don't care for. From what you've said that Aussy wrote, it seems like just observational stuff. Granted, not the most flattering observations, but nothing really bad.

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