When they commit to the next person after you..

February 26, 2014

Anyone been in a situation where you have fallen for a self confessed commitment phobe, who has gone on to do the very thing they historically have always ran away from and committed to the very next person after you?

In my situation I was seeing a guy (although it was undoubtedly more complicated than that) who had NEVER had a proper relationship (age 28). He seemed to be always looking for "the one" but freaked out and ended things with every girl he got close to at around the 2/3 month mark when he said it "reached a certain stage" and said he knew he would "never allow anyone to get close to him" and was a f*ck up in that way.

He always seemed to "chase" women who were hard to get, or who weren't that interested in him, but ultimately ran away if they eventually returned his affections.

He strongly persued me (as an unhappily married woman), told me he loved me, was in unbelievably close and magical between us, and that he hadnt had connection like this with any other woman. He said that if I was single he would commit to me, but when he realised how hard I had fallen for him and that i would leave my H to be with him he ended things saying he couldn't handle it. He kept in touch with me for months, knowing my feelings, and would tell me that he hasn't been with anyone since me, and seemed like he kept me dangling on.

He then went on to meet a girl through online dating (first girl he met) and immidiately made their relationship official. He is still with her 6 months later, making it the most serious relationship he has ever had.

(I realise that our "relationship" was ultimately doomed from the start (although I would have left to be with him if he had wanted me to) and don't particularly want comments or advice on my own situation as its obviously futile as he has made it clear he doesn't want me. And know I was wrong to get involved in the first place.)

I just wanted people's opinions on the whole "commitment phobia" thing and do you think people really change that quickly? Many people on LS seem to have the view that commitment phobia doesn't really exist, and that they just "weren't that into you", whereas other people/books on commitment phobia and fear of intimacy etc say that it is a deep seated fear and would require therapy to overcome, if they are able to at all. Some people seem to struggle with this all their lives, and perhaps their "freak out" is triggered by different things or milestones in their relationship. Also wanted to hear from people who's ex's couldn't/wouldn't commit to them immediately went on to commit to the very next person. How did you cope with this? Do you think they really have changed? Was it the new partner that "changed them", or did they simply wake up one day and realise they were ready to commit? Or are their fears still bubbling under the surface waiting to be triggered and are doomed to repeat their patterns until they address the underlying causes?

February 26, 2014

20 dollars says he will be single in 5 years, bluntly, he is committing to a novelty, she will one day be where you are now, that is his way, his pattern

I did have a commitment-phobe, he liked the idea of me when I had good prospects, but I saw his faults and thought better of it, all he ever did was live with women, never marry, leaving his exit door open

chasers are players, sportsmen in the field, I take it he is attractive, so he will get tempted (lolz)

Edited February 26, 2014 by darkmoon

February 26, 2014

Thanks for your reply Darkmoon. I suppose I do want to hear that, makes it easier to believe its not just that I wasn't "good enough". This guy has never been as far as to live with someone, but had never had a R over Xmas period or valentines either until now, and although he's only been with her 6 months that's a lifetime to him!!

Yeah he is attractive but not particularly so, he just has a lot of endearing qualities and very affectionate, and can sell the whole romantic fantasy very well (until he disappears).

February 26, 2014

And you say you are trying to rebuild your marriage with your husband??

By constantly focusing on the guy you had an affair with?

End it with your husband now, let him be a man with someone else.

February 26, 2014

The last thing I wanted by posting on here was yet another round of discussion about my marriage. Please, I know all my faults and what a terrible person I am but would like to use LS as a coping tool to get out my thoughts and musings without continual judgement.

Don't want this to get moved to "Infidelity" section again as my question is not about my A or my M, but about commitment phobia and when someone who's never had a proper R commits to the next person after you.

Yes I'm working on my marriage and am in strict NC with other guy but also, yes I do still think about him a lot. Know that makes me weak but we all move on at our own pace.

Edited February 26, 2014 by wistfulgirl

February 26, 2014

I tend to believe that if someone doesn't want to commit, then he just wasnt that into you, or that he saw limitations to the relationship that he didn't feel could be overcome.

Many people have issues with commitment & intimacy and still get married and/or seriously involved when they think they've found "the one". Their issues just manifest themselves in other ways, such as infidelity, bad coping skills, dysfunctional thought patterns, addiction, bad communication, etc.

In your case, the answer is probably much simpler. You cheated on your husband with him, so in his mind, you were likely never a candidate for a serious relationship. Most men want to commit to someone that doesn't have a history of cheating. It seems very hypocritical for a man to judge the woman that they cheat with, but it happens A LOT. They will see a woman as good enough to have an affair or a casual sex relationship, but have higher character standards for the woman he commits to- she must be honest, loyal, strong, etc. This often holds true regardless of the intensity, the connection or the romance in the affair/ relationship. Don't be surprised if he comes back for more affair, though. If he truly fears intimacy, he will be uncomfortable being completely vulnerable & open and will do things to create emotional distance (like have affairs, drink, become a porn addict, etc.)

So while I do think there are people that fear commitment or intimacy, I don't think this prevents them from committing when they think they've found "the one". They don't want to risk losing "the one" and will usually commit in spite of their issues. So they will make that physical commitment, but remain distant emotionally. They usually end up having problems because they "guard their heart" too much. They will set up mental roadblocks that prevent true intimacy. They will often lie, play games, cheat and become passive aggressive to avoid being vulnerable. They need to feel in control, and they do it by creating emotional space- not necessarily physical space.

Plus, unless they have been in therapy, most people are not introspective enough to even recognize & acknowledge their own issues. So when I hear people say it, I often think it is just an excuse. When you know that someone is not "the one", it is much easier to say "It's not you, it's me!". It would be difficult for most people to tell someone that they genuinely like and care about "I don't see a long term future with you." Saying those words will likely hurt feelings, prompt questions that they don't want to answer, cause drama, etc. Most men will want to avoid that conversation, and they do that by blaming themselves.

There are many married and "together" people that fear true intimacy. This fear doesn't stop them from being in a serious relationship, but it will create relationship issues because they are uncomfortable being vulnerable with their partner.

February 26, 2014

Quite Storm - thanks for your post. I think that's likely true, and although its very hypocritical perhaps he wouldn't have asked me to leave as he thought If I could cheat with him I could cheat on him (even though he knew I'd been faithful to my H 14 years).

The thing that stood out from your post is the concept of "the one". As though when someone meets "the one" this can change who they fundamentely are as a person. Maybe you only meet "the one" when you are personally ready to commit and are in the right headspace to allow that person into your life. Or maybe "the one" is so precious that it makes them want to change, even though they would not have changed otherwise.

Not sure i believe in "the one", I think there are many people we meet along the way who could potentially be "the one" depending on timing, circumstances, willingness and other factors in our lives. Am more in the thought that change comes from within rather than an external influence, but people's behaviour can be so surprising I'm still not sure.

Edited February 26, 2014 by wistfulgirl

February 26, 2014

People who 'self-confess' to commitment phobia, are not really commitment phobes. They're just using it as an excuse to not commit to you. Don't worry about it, they've done you a favour by releasing you to find someone more compatible.

February 26, 2014

Quite Storm - thanks for your post. I think that's likely true, and although its very hypocritical perhaps he wouldn't have asked me to leave as he thought If I could cheat witm him I could cheat on him (even though he knew I'd been faithful to my H 14 years).

The thing that stood out from your post is the concept of "the one". As though when someone meets "the one" this can change who they fundamentely are as a person. Maybe you only meet "the one" when you are personally ready to commit and are in the right headspace to allow that person into your life. Or maybe "the one" is so precious that it makes them want to change, even though they would not have changed otherwise.

Not sure i believe in "the one", I think there are many people we meet along the way who could potentially be "the one" depending on timing, circumstances, willingness and other factors in our lives. Am more in the thought that change comes from within rather than an external influence, but people's behaviour can be so surprising I'm still not sure.

I don't think that by meeting someone that you feel is "the one" will fundamentally change who you are as a person.

I would say that it can prompt an evolution. It can inspire emotional maturity and personal growth.

You are the same person, but over time we are influenced by our experiences, our circumstances. Hopefully we evolve into wiser, more seasoned versions of our original selves.

February 26, 2014

Pick flicker - do you believe that only people who are unaware of their issues genuinely have them? I am aware that I have issues with abandonment, possible love addiction, depression, intermittent eating disorders, amongst other things....as I am aware of them does that make my issues less real?

I get the thought process behind what you are saying, but think its too assumptive to think being a "self confessed" commitment phobic automatically discredits its validity. The man I refer to was well aware of his issues as he had an idealised version of what a committed relationship would be, dated regularly, wanted to hold down a relationship but had historically always been unable to. He was aware of his patterns of ending things when they got too close, not just with me but with all women from his past. He had an ex that had actually finished with him in his past that he hadnt got over, and she actually came back to him (just after the time he was first seeing me) and declared her love for him - and he ran away from her.

I heard that he had the 2 month "freak out" with his current GF and ended things with her, but after pressure from his family to settle down and stop running away from commitment he got back with her and is still with her now 6 months later. This has made me question, is it "her" that has inspired him to change, is it that he has decided inside himself that he is now ready to settle down and she was simply the next candidate, or is it likely that his issues will resurface further down the line?

(Know I shouldn't care about the outcome of his R but am an over thinker, and rightly or wrongly see this as a measure of my own worth - if he is capable of making a commitment to the vey next girl I can't have been "good enough", but if he has issues that are much deeper then it isn't about me, it's about him)

Edited February 26, 2014 by wistfulgirl

February 26, 2014

I think commitment phobia, if such a thing exists, applies to people who shy away from all relationships - not people who make noise about how much they hate marriage and labels. Or people who make poor relationship decisions.

They were never commitment phobis, they just picked the wrong people, then managed to meet the right one.

February 26, 2014

I was in love with a woman who couldn't commit to me. Three months later she married her new boyfriend.

This man went for a commitment with the woman that he wanted to be with. You were just a space filler.

Sorry if that is rude.

A lot of us have lived both roles.

February 26, 2014

Bradjacobs - do you think your ex will stay with her husband that she married after just 3 months? That sounds just as dysfunctional as avoiding commitment, running head first into marriage with someone you've only known 3 months..

So you think that despite his history now he has met "the one" (on plenty of fish!) she has cured him of his issues and he will stay with her forever? This feeds into the theory the "the right person" is the miracle cure to solve all our problems.

And if a man is aware that your a "space filler" would they say the deep things he said to me, tell me he loved me, never had that connection with any other girl etc? Did he know I was only a "space filler" all along? (I'm not saying I was different or special in any way to him - even though he had kept telling me I was, even after we'd finished) but are people that have relationship habits such as his likely to say this kind of stuff to every girl they get with at the beginning? And is it likely that as his current R progresses, he will "freak out" again?

Edited February 26, 2014 by wistfulgirl

February 27, 2014

He used you. Married women are by far the easiest to use because most of the time it's hard for you to commit when you're already in a "committed" relationship. He was having fun getting laid and you ruined his fun by catching feelings for him.

Think about it for a second. He can have you to sleep with, without all the drama of a relationship whilst he still searches for the person who he believes is the right one for him. He's going to tell you everything you want to hear because he doesn't have to worry about you checking his phone, showing up randomly, being mad about him talking to other women etc. You're the one risking everything, not him.

February 27, 2014

Just to clarify....I am aware that it is completely over between me and him, and that I obviously didnt mean as much to him as be had led me to believe and that I likely just wasnt "good enough" to commit to, for numerous reasons as well as being unavailable myself.

My questioning isn't around whether his feelings for me were genuine or not. It is around the topic of commitment phobia, if people can change that quickly, if their issues are magically resolved when they meet "the one" or if their habits and patterns are likely to crop up again and again once the initial thrill has worn off?

(Yes I'm asking these out of interest due to my own circumstances, but am asking for advice in general, not specific to me. I'm well aware that I was used, whether intentionally or not. Don't need it hammering home that I meant nothing)

Edited February 27, 2014 by wistfulgirl

February 27, 2014

Warren Beatty was a notorious player but when he worked with Annette Bening he left all that behind and they've been happily married for many years. It happens more often than you'd think.

So now that you know, why not concentrate on your husband? Go away for one of those marriage weekend intensives to rekindle the spark. Otherwise, get a divorce.

February 27, 2014

Just to clarify....I am aware that it is completely over between me and him, and that I obviously didnt mean as much to him as be had led me to believe and that I likely just wasnt "good enough" to commit to, for numerous reasons as well as being unavailable myself.

My questioning isn't around whether his feelings for me were genuine or not. It is around the topic of commitment phobia, if people can change that quickly, if their issues are magically resolved when they meet "the one" or if their habits and patterns are likely to crop up again and again once the initial thrill has worn off?

(Yes I'm asking these out of interest due to my own circumstances, but am asking for advice in general, not specific to me. I'm well aware that I was used, whether intentionally or not. Don't need it hammering home that I meant nothing)

OP, I know you are hurting, and I am sorry. In terms of responding to your question, I find it too difficult to separate your specific situation from your general question, as they are fundamentally entertwined. Was he a commitment-phobe? I don't know, but it makes perfect sense to me that he could not or did not wish to commit to because you were married. In a way, isn't that an avenue to accept what happened between you in a less hurtful way? Whether or not he succeeds in his current relationship is actually irrelevant to your situation because he is with a single woman now and does not face the same enormous obstacle that he did with you (whether real or perceived; I know you said you would leave your marriage for him).

I guess my basic point here is that you don't have to look at your situation in the absolute bleakest possible terms (he used me & never cared for me). Sometimes, the simplest solution is correct, and without minimizing your pain or flattening the complexity of your experience, it seems like his not committing to you might boil down to you already being committed to someone else, either because he did not want to be responsible for breaking up a marriage or because he viewed the relationship as a necessarily limited entity (again, not saying he deliberately used you and tossed you aside).

Sending good thoughts,

M.

February 27, 2014

I don't believe there is any such thing as "commitment phobia" - there are people were are very hesitant for whatever reasons - upbringing, personal value system, past hurts, etc. but almost every human being on this planet wants love and when you find it you'll overcome a majority of your issues to make it happen. If someone says they are scared of commitment, they are saying they are scared of commitment to you, and when the right person comes along that will change. You often hear about men who are with women for substantial periods of time and then marry the next woman very quickly. my take on this? they go with the next person who offers what the previous partner didn't. so.. let's say the previous partner never gave compliments, if the next one does, it fills that space they felt was empty and end up with that person. it likely won't last, but that's a different story.

February 27, 2014

Warren Beatty was a notorious player but when he worked with Annette Bening he left all that behind and they've been happily married for many years. It happens more often than you'd think.

So now that you know, why not concentrate on your husband? Go away for one of those marriage weekend intensives to rekindle the spark. Otherwise, get a divorce.

I have a cousin who was a serious Player that we thought would never settle down and commit. He met his (now wife) and feel head over heels for her. When we told her what a womanizer he used to be she said "Who him???" and was completely surprised. They have been happily married for 10 years, 2 kids and he treasures her.

February 27, 2014

Bradjacobs - do you think your ex will stay with her husband that she married after just 3 months? That sounds just as dysfunctional as avoiding commitment, running head first into marriage with someone you've only known 3 months..

So you think that despite his history now he has met "the one" (on plenty of fish!) she has cured him of his issues and he will stay with her forever? This feeds into the theory the "the right person" is the miracle cure to solve all our problems.

And if a man is aware that your a "space filler" would they say the deep things he said to me, tell me he loved me, never had that connection with any other girl etc? Did he know I was only a "space filler" all along? (I'm not saying I was different or special in any way to him - even though he had kept telling me I was, even after we'd finished) but are people that have relationship habits such as his likely to say this kind of stuff to every girl they get with at the beginning? And is it likely that as his current R progresses, he will "freak out" again?

Have you ever gotten swept up in a moment? That's what I mean by space filler. The moment is more important than who you spend it with. The moment sweeps up everything in its path. You fill a space in someone's life in that situation and nothing more.

He isn't going to return.

Move on.

February 27, 2014

Just to clarify....I am aware that it is completely over between me and him, and that I obviously didnt mean as much to him as be had led me to believe and that I likely just wasnt "good enough" to commit to, for numerous reasons as well as being unavailable myself.

My questioning isn't around whether his feelings for me were genuine or not. It is around the topic of commitment phobia, if people can change that quickly, if their issues are magically resolved when they meet "the one" or if their habits and patterns are likely to crop up again and again once the initial thrill has worn off?

(Yes I'm asking these out of interest due to my own circumstances, but am asking for advice in general, not specific to me. I'm well aware that I was used, whether intentionally or not. Don't need it hammering home that I meant nothing)

There is no such thing as an commitment phobe, they're just not with the right person.

February 27, 2014

I have a cousin who was a serious Player that we thought would never settle down and commit. He met his (now wife) and feel head over heels for her. When we told her what a womanizer he used to be she said "Who him???" and was completely surprised. They have been happily married for 10 years, 2 kids and he treasures her.

this is the Disney fantasy for some people. Guy gets to eff around, eventually finds loyal, loving woman who overlooks his sh*tty decisions, lives happily ever after....

Warren Beatty is a marginally attractive numbskull who realized he wasn't getting the pick of the litter anymore and it was time to hand in his 'player' card. Lots of them do around his age.

Annette Benning's clock was ticking... was/is a B grade actress and he was good enough. Neither are anyone to aspire towards...

Anyway, to answer your question, OP. It doesn't pay to think too much about why someone does or does not decide to commit. Could be timing, could be a life crisis or some epiphany they had... could be that they are getting older and decide their options are running out... could be they met someone they really like. There just isn't any way to know.

Personally, I don't waste time with men who don't have a history of significant relationships. I'm not about to convince anyone that commitment is a good idea. If they aren't already 'there' in terms of life values and goals, I'm not wasting my time.

As for your situation... has it occurred to you that maybe you are the commitment phobe??

Edited February 27, 2014 by RedRobin

February 27, 2014

Red robin - thanks for your post. Yeah that thought has occurred to me. Since I married my H I realise I shut off emotionally to him. And have read that people with similar but opposing issues (active v passive commitment conflicts) are often highly attracted to each other as they reflect their beliefs and fears back at each other. I suppose I both fear commitment and abandonment (but abandonment more) and he is likely opposite.

But according to many on here commitment phobia doesn't exist, they just haven't met the right person. If that is the case, is my husband not "the right person" for me? Yet the only man I'd have ever left him for simply "filled his time" with me / used me.

Perhaps this new girl just has all the amazing qualities that I didn't so he has no fear of spending the rest of his life with her. It just hurts as we really were so close, talked for hours about deep stuff, laughed together, couldn't stop touching each other etc etc (and I did not just imagine it all). But I realise I am giving his new R too much attention - I just feel like if it lasts forever with them then he didnt really ever have a problem (as most people here suggest) I just wasnt good enough to treat well, just to mislead, f*ck then dump for someone "worthy"

Edited February 27, 2014 by wistfulgirl

February 27, 2014

Also - I wouldn't class him as a "player" or "womaniser", he genuinely wanted a relationship and was always looking for one, he just never managed to go the distance (until now, which has been 6 months with current girl.)

February 27, 2014

So is the general consensus that people change when they meet "the right person"?

Does this mean my own H is not "the right person" for me? Or clearly fOM?

Is it likely he has now changed with this girl?

Or that he never really had issues in the first place (not just by not committing to me but any other woman in his past until now?)

Xxx

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