Urge to cheat, don't want to...but so curious

[Grizzly101]

You said he WANTED his son -- is it booked and solid? If not, I'd urge him to reconsider...

 

If it is a done deal, than suggest that you two need some alone time together soon.

 

I have expressed that I wanted it to be us. With work, it is a free thing and we would be driving. No real booking needed. I have expressed the need for "us" time. I think he thinks there will be plenty of time for that when my son leaves for college (only 125m away so they can still have their weekend adventures). I think it is going to take a literal slap in his face to see that I need attention. If I said " let's go have crazy dirty sex" he would be on it in a heartbeat. I suggested a clam dig this weekend (I don't like clams, they do. I love the beach, they enjoy it, it would be fun)...nope, that will cut their Saturday snowboarding trip short to make low tide. So I said whatever and once again, pouted.

I guess I wonder if I did this it would shock him into seeing that I need attention from him.

[oldshirt]

You are suffering from the classic issue of husbands living in their own world and not "hearing" their wife's pleas for more attention, connection and consideration.

 

You think you are communicating and telling him your wants and needs but he isn't getting it. It's all just background noise like a pesty horse fly buzzing around his head.

 

Unfortunately it often takes a serious bomb drop like a separation or a wife's affair to get husbands to wake up and hear their pleas.

 

If a guy is happy and content with the status quo he can truck along for years and years and not know the wife's unhappiness. This is why bringing up counseling doesn't work, he's fundamentally happy so why pay for counseling? It often takes a major event to shake him into hearing her and bring him to the bargaining table.

 

Some of those events are -

 

1. Withdrawing from sex and affections. It may take 6months to a couple years for him to see the light and bring him to address the issues. (Guys often make a stop here first whining she only has pathetic sex a few times a year and wonder what's wrong)

 

2. She gets caught in an affair.

 

3. She packs her sht and leaves the house and/or asks for divorce.

 

4. Approaches him about having sex with other people.

 

Those are the things that will get a checked-out man's attention.

 

My recommendation is try #4 before either packing bags or having an affair.

 

If that doesn't bring him to the discussion table then he is truly checked out and at that point I say do whatever you want.

 

I need to make clear the true end goal here is to get his undevided attention

and discuss your romantic/sexual and connection needs. It is the communication and working out both his and your wants, desires and needs that has the long term value, not whether you actually end up doing this other guy or not.

Edited February 27, 2014 by oldshirt

[Grizzly101]

Oldshirt, you are right. We have been here several times. We haven't had sex in almost two months. I'm withdrawn a lot of the time because I really feel like he doesn't care about my needs except in the bedroom. He wanted to have sex in Valentines day, but I pulled the tired card because of the guilt over living this A fantasy living in my head. Like I said before, I feel like I have already cheated. He just sulked and was pissy for two days.

 

I think this weekend I am going to tell him about the urge to have the ONS. All he can do it:

1. Think I'm a crazy b$!#h

2. Be hurt and not want to speak to me

3. Tell me to do it

4. Want to leave me

5. Or understand

[oldshirt]

Oldshirt, you are right. We have been here several times. We haven't had sex in almost two months. I'm withdrawn a lot of the time because I really feel like he doesn't care about my needs except in the bedroom. He wanted to have sex in Valentines day, but I pulled the tired card because of the guilt over living this A fantasy living in my head. Like I said before, I feel like I have already cheated. He just sulked and was pissy for two days.

 

I think this weekend I am going to tell him about the urge to have the ONS. All he can do it:

1. Think I'm a crazy b$!#h

2. Be hurt and not want to speak to me

3. Tell me to do it

4. Want to leave me

5. Or understand

 

 

My most strong recommendation is if you bring it up to him, do not just blurt out you have the hots for some guy and ask if it is OK to bang him.

 

Approach it from the perspective of you as a couple working together to come to some understandings and game plans as a couple.

 

I will admit you are on very thin ice here and this is a very high-risk venture. It could backfire and blow up even if you play your cards perfectly.

 

Approach it not from the perspective that you are dissatisfied and want some better loven from another man but rather you would like to liven up the connection, communication and 'sizzle' in your own sexual dynamics of your marriage.

 

As I said in my first post, You two are NOT an ideal couple for open marriage. It may be just the least bad of your current options.

 

Your goal in this needs to be to get his attention, have him take you seriously and address your own interaction dynamics as a couple.

[Grizzly101]

I know that this is risky. But, if I keep holding it, I may just snap and justify a reaction to it that will be worse in the long run. I hate the fact of disclosing who it is, though. Do I have to if he doesn't ask?

[sidney2718]

I tried talking to him last night about doing things, just us. His idea if doing things just us is going out, having a few drinks and coming home for drunk sex. He does not talk to me at home, he will call all day and I have all but refused to talk to him about anything important on the phone. I have told him that I am tired of having a telephone relationship with him. I need more. Please talk to me about it at home...conversation does not occur. To busy with NFL network, fishing shows, iPad/iPhone and talking to my son.

The no connection makes me crave the attention and fantasy of something else.

 

AHA! Now you are getting down to the nitty-gritty of it. I suspect this is the problem or at least the tip of it.

 

My advice is the same as many others. DO NOT CHEAT! You won't be able to keep it secret and it very well may kill your marriage.

 

Perhaps the best thing to do is to sit your husband down and tell him that you are strongly physically attracted to another man -- unsuitable husband material but nevertheless attractive.

 

He may explode, he may bless you, who knows? But I doubt he'll divorce you.

 

You say you can't get him to talk to you at home? Wait until your son is out of the house and then go turn the TV off, stand in front of it and say: "husband, I've become strongly physically attracted to another man -- unsuitable husband material but nevertheless attractive.

 

If he then gets angry because you've turned the TV off, you have far bigger marital problems than the other man.

[sidney2718]

I have expressed that I wanted it to be us. With work, it is a free thing and we would be driving. No real booking needed. I have expressed the need for "us" time. I think he thinks there will be plenty of time for that when my son leaves for college (only 125m away so they can still have their weekend adventures). I think it is going to take a literal slap in his face to see that I need attention. If I said " let's go have crazy dirty sex" he would be on it in a heartbeat. I suggested a clam dig this weekend (I don't like clams, they do. I love the beach, they enjoy it, it would be fun)...nope, that will cut their Saturday snowboarding trip short to make low tide. So I said whatever and once again, pouted.

I guess I wonder if I did this it would shock him into seeing that I need attention from him.

 

DON'T DO IT! Bomb him with the possibility if you must, it will get his attention. If it doesn't, you might seriously reconsider your marriage.

[sidney2718]

You are suffering from the classic issue of husbands living in their own world and not "hearing" their wife's pleas for more attention, connection and consideration.

 

You think you are communicating and telling him your wants and needs but he isn't getting it. It's all just background noise like a pesty horse fly buzzing around his head.

 

Unfortunately it often takes a serious bomb drop like a separation or a wife's affair to get husbands to wake up and hear their pleas.

 

If a guy is happy and content with the status quo he can truck along for years and years and not know the wife's unhappiness. This is why bringing up counseling doesn't work, he's fundamentally happy so why pay for counseling? It often takes a major event to shake him into hearing her and bring him to the bargaining table.

 

Some of those events are -

 

1. Withdrawing from sex and affections. It may take 6months to a couple years for him to see the light and bring him to address the issues. (Guys often make a stop here first whining she only has pathetic sex a few times a year and wonder what's wrong)

 

2. She gets caught in an affair.

 

3. She packs her sht and leaves the house and/or asks for divorce.

 

4. Approaches him about having sex with other people.

 

Those are the things that will get a checked-out man's attention.

 

My recommendation is try #4 before either packing bags or having an affair.

 

If that doesn't bring him to the discussion table then he is truly checked out and at that point I say do whatever you want.

 

I need to make clear the true end goal here is to get his undevided attention

and discuss your romantic/sexual and connection needs. It is the communication and working out both his and your wants, desires and needs that has the long term value, not whether you actually end up doing this other guy or not.

 

Excellent post!

 

Forgive me for going off-topic, but we see the aftermath of all this here with great regularity. The husband comes in complaining that his wife suddenly left him for no reason or had an affair for no reason and he's totally lost and he certainly didn't do anything to deserve this.

 

Then we all pile on the wife and call her names.

[sidney2718]

I know that this is risky. But, if I keep holding it, I may just snap and justify a reaction to it that will be worse in the long run. I hate the fact of disclosing who it is, though. Do I have to if he doesn't ask?

 

I'd think that you do not have to disclose his name at all, as long as there was no affair.

[atreides]

I would say at this point because you are about to break and the inability of yor H to listen that worrying about "tact" is moot.

 

You need to just tell your H, "it's our time" or "no time because you will be looking at some one else's watch."

 

It does not matter the consequence in the end as you are about to have an affair. You are in a dangerous place and living as you are will not work... obviously and when 1. the guilt consumes your or 2. you get caught, the fall out will be much worse. Be dammed to what the listed results could come, you need to fix your relationship and this is his wakeup call. At least you are giving him a chance vs so many who just go ahead and cheat. I have respect for that position of giving a heads up first.

 

2 months no sex.... what the hell does he do, is he going for Monk of the year?

[Grizzly101]

I have not had sex with him in 2 months because I am consumed by the guilt if wanting to do this. I don't want to think about OM during sex and blurt out his name! That could be ugly!

Thing is odd that he isn't trying to push the issue of why I have not had sex, since we are usually doing it like crazy! On V-day, he just pouted, didn't try to delve into if there was a problem.

[atreides]

I have not had sex with him in 2 months because I am consumed by the guilt if wanting to do this. I don't want to think about OM during sex and blurt out his name! That could be ugly!

Thing is odd that he isn't trying to push the issue of why I have not had sex, since we are usually doing it like crazy! On V-day, he just pouted, didn't try to delve into if there was a problem.

 

Then you are even worse off, you need to lay the cards on the table. However honestly at this point I am questioning your perception of just "how bad" or "lack of attention" you are getting. I thought he was the driver of the "sexless" but your over analyzing of why he does not ask could be and most likely is he figures you are in a "mood", does not want to push and being respectable as in since you turned him down, you be the one to "initiate." It's hard sometimes for us guys because 90% of the time a decision either way is a catch22.

 

He sounds like a family man and thinks nothing of it to include your son and I feel you are using the bigger events like Nascar or Vegas as the judgement and most of all bad perception and wrongful use of your litmus test for satisfying how you perceive him to feel about you. It's almost like you have made your mind up about this other guy and will justify it with things that are not there but with time become self-fulfilling prophecy.

 

Next move should be asking for "date night" start small and then it becomes "date weekend" then "date vacation"

 

I was in your boat only in that my wife always wanted to include our sons with everything and so i approached her with date night and we had our first just us vacation a few weeks ago. I explained how it is different when it just the 2 of us, like "old times" or when we "were young"

Most of all eventually my wife understood, when the chickens leave the coop, its just us and there has to be something left of "us" when it is all said and done.

So be as DIRECT with your H as possible... no beating around the bush or expecting ESP abilities and laying out false expectations compounded by over analysis... just be direct and let him know it's time for just the 2 of you to do things every now and then.

[road]

My most strong recommendation is if you bring it up to him, do not just blurt out you have the hots for some guy and ask if it is OK to bang him.

 

Approach it from the perspective of you as a couple working together to come to some understandings and game plans as a couple.

 

I will admit you are on very thin ice here and this is a very high-risk venture. It could backfire and blow up even if you play your cards perfectly.

 

Approach it not from the perspective that you are dissatisfied and want some better loven from another man but rather you would like to liven up the connection, communication and 'sizzle' in your own sexual dynamics of your marriage.

 

As I said in my first post, You two are NOT an ideal couple for open marriage. It may be just the least bad of your current options.

 

Your goal in this needs to be to get his attention, have him take you seriously and address your own interaction dynamics as a couple.

 

I know that this is risky. But, if I keep holding it, I may just snap and justify a reaction to it that will be worse in the long run. I hate the fact of disclosing who it is, though. Do I have to if he doesn't ask?

 

 

 

A marriage is for two people not 3. You also trying to get your BH to open up the marriage when you have already decided on who is to be your OM. Is cheating. Because it is delayed cheating never the less it is still cheating.

 

 

Your marriage sucks. Well banging OM will not make it better. Allowing yourself to have feelings develop and expend energies on your OM. Will only have you diverting from your BH what should be his.

 

 

Fix your marriage. Hoe'ing around will not fix anything. If you can not fix it then wait to you are divorced then go bang your OM's brains out after the divorce.

 

 

Be mature. Do the hard thing.

 

 

You know doing those two things are the right thing for you to do. Because doing the right thing is always hard.

[SD1000]

I have not had sex with him in 2 months because I am consumed by the guilt if wanting to do this. I don't want to think about OM during sex and blurt out his name! That could be ugly!

Thing is odd that he isn't trying to push the issue of why I have not had sex, since we are usually doing it like crazy! On V-day, he just pouted, didn't try to delve into if there was a problem.

 

 

 

Years ago in a previous relationship, we also fantasized a couple of times about having group sex. However, I knew that the fantasy was completely safe because it was only a fantasy. Having this fantasy become real life would never have been acceptable and I always knew that. Therefore don't assume that your husband really is interested in actually putting these fantasies into real life.

[A.Moscote]

Congrats Grizzly, first because you chose to consider this dilemma deliberately before you do something regrettable, and second for deciding to discuss this honestly with your husband. They're just beginning steps, but nevertheless important to avoid so many other possible deception and dishonesty. Perhaps you've been much wiser than many of us here have.

 

However I think your perspective on the possible cheating is a bit swayed. You told us that your H is a good family man and providing you an amazing sex life. The only dissatisfaction is on the emotional side, that is your H isn't affable enough, appreciative and all that. Yet you consider your possible cheating as just ONS, merely of sexual curiosity, one that will not develop R. Isn't that incoherent?

 

You crave for emotional affection, your H is unaware of this all, you can't spend time together the way you prefer, and most deviously you have been attracted to this very available guy for four years. Imagine the gate you'll open if you jump ahead and have 'just a ONS' with him. It will create a 'great' A that will traps you, and changes you. See the other sub-forum if you don't believe it.

 

Consider this situation holistically and carefully. It will give you clarity and help your discussion with your H. He should tremble with worry if he knew even as much as us.

 

Don't go meeting this other guy ok, it's not casual. Good luck.

[oldshirt]

I have not had sex with him in 2 months because I am consumed by the guilt if wanting to do this. I don't want to think about OM during sex and blurt out his name! That could be ugly!

Thing is odd that he isn't trying to push the issue of why I have not had sex, since we are usually doing it like crazy! On V-day, he just pouted, didn't try to delve into if there was a problem.

 

You haven't had sex with your husband in 2 months because the lack of connection and attention and consideration has caused you to lose attraction for him.

 

 

You are currently attracted to the OM. At this point if you were to hook up with OM it would be like a second torpedo hitting an already sinking ship that would be your marriage.

 

The more of your posts I read and the more this thread develops, the more serious this situation appears.

 

In the opening posts I thought maybe you were on the edge of a relationship that may be better to consider consensual nonmonogamy vs cheating or packing up and leaving.

 

I now believe that any contact with OM will be the final nails in the coffin.

 

What needs to happen here in order to either have a satisfactory monogamous marriage or to survive nonmonogamy, you hav to reconnect with you husband and become reattracted to him.

 

In order to do that, you have to get his attention and get him to hear you and understand the seriousness of this situation and the depth of your dissatisfaction.

 

I reccommend you not cheat to get his attention as I think that would be a death-blow. I also think if you actually has contact with OM it will lead to further break down if your underlying issues are not corrected first.

 

How you get his attention without cheating or pursuing OM is up to your judgement

[Grizzly101]

I really want to thank everyone that have do far replied to this thread. You guys are giving me great insight. I came here because people see things differently on the outside than I would. And I appreciate you not treating me like a monster.

I am hoping for alone time this weekend so we can discuss this. Thinking motel or a long drive so there can't be any leaving in the middle of discussion and we would be forced to face more than the OM/A issue, but the underlining issues also. I know I am not perfect and have areas that I could work on. Who knows, maybe he is feeling this, too. He doesn't talk to me, like I said, unless we are in the phone, do getting things out of him is difficult.

[drifter777]

OP: you really should bone another guy in front of your husband. Threesome or him just watching - whatever he chooses. Your curiosity is driving you crazy and you say he'll think it's hot. Why wait? And you want to see him with another woman so make that happen too. You don't have to cheat to have strange when your spouse is as open to sex as yours husband is.

[Grizzly101]

OP: you really should bone another guy in front of your husband. Threesome or him just watching - whatever he chooses. Your curiosity is driving you crazy and you say he'll think it's hot. Why wait? And you want to see him with another woman so make that happen too. You don't have to cheat to have strange when your spouse is as open to sex as yours husband is.

 

I am open to this and have told him that I would go this for him (but not with this guy). I wonder if fulfilling the OM curiosity would get this urge to chest with my friend out of my head.

[Friskyone4u]

Grizzly, reading your responses, including the last one, it appears what you really want is an open relationship. You are going to have sex with other men, one way or the other, I think you have determined that. I agree with drifter. Forget this guy you are thinking about cheating with and put on your show for your husband. He will either deal with it or he won't but at least he will feel you have him a choice and did not cheat. Since he did tell you it was a fantasy of his, then asking him to come to the party may not be unreasonable. But it is not without risks. Cheating carries a lot more risks and that is where u seem to be headed.

[oldshirt]

Think of Open marriage/swinging et al as an amplifier, it takes what is there and intensifies it. It does not "fix" anything and is not a treatment or therapy.

 

 

Open marriage/swinging does not prevent cheating any more than monogamy causes it.

 

 

nonmonogamy takes what is the underlying sexual dynamic and intensifies it. couples that have sound marriages, good communication, good trust and security, an active and satisfying sex life and solid respect and compassion for each can often find that allowing a select few other into their bedroom intensifies their passions, creates a more open channel of communication and adds another level of sexual excitement and pleasure to their sexlife.

 

 

Couples that have poor communication, are disconnected, have trouble with boundaries and have a lacking of sexual attraction and connection will be blown up.

 

 

As this thread has progressed Grizzly has revealed more and more of how disconnected she feels from her husband, how much attraction she is developing for this OM and how her attraction and sexual connection is degrading to the point they haven't had sex in two months.

 

 

As I said, open marriage is an intensifier which magnifies and intensifies what is already there. What is already there is a feeling of being used sexually, emotional disconnect from her husband, loss of sexual desire and attraction for husband and an attraction and desire for another man.

 

 

Those are the things that will be intensified by an open marriage/swinging!

[road]

Think of Open marriage/swinging et al as an amplifier, it takes what is there and intensifies it. It does not "fix" anything and is not a treatment or therapy.

 

 

Open marriage/swinging does not prevent cheating any more than monogamy causes it.

 

 

nonmonogamy takes what is the underlying sexual dynamic and intensifies it. couples that have sound marriages, good communication, good trust and security, an active and satisfying sex life and solid respect and compassion for each can often find that allowing a select few other into their bedroom intensifies their passions, creates a more open channel of communication and adds another level of sexual excitement and pleasure to their sexlife.

 

 

Couples that have poor communication, are disconnected, have trouble with boundaries and have a lacking of sexual attraction and connection will be blown up.

 

 

As this thread has progressed Grizzly has revealed more and more of how disconnected she feels from her husband, how much attraction she is developing for this OM and how her attraction and sexual connection is degrading to the point they haven't had sex in two months.

 

 

As I said, open marriage is an intensifier which magnifies and intensifies what is already there. What is already there is a feeling of being used sexually, emotional disconnect from her husband, loss of sexual desire and attraction for husband and an attraction and desire for another man.

 

 

Those are the things that will be intensified by an open marriage/swinging!

 

 

 

Baloney.

 

 

Of the purest kind.

 

 

Many a wife loses respect for their husbands when they are allowed to bang OM.

 

 

This is why the when the husband becomes alarmed that the wife's physical relationship becomes an emotional one aw well. Then when the husband wants her to stop seeing her F buddy the wife denies there is an EA and that she is addicted to the F buddy. She does her best to do damage control and convince her husband he has nothing to worry about.

 

 

When the wife can not string her husband along she pretends to go NC with the F buddy.

 

 

This is when the they become a BH, WW with an OM. The OM has connected with the WW and convinces her to leave the marriage. Now kids are from a broken home.

 

 

And do not tell about rules.

 

 

The OM are experts and getting the WW's to break rules.

 

 

Husband ok we can have an open marriage.

 

 

Condoms must be worn.

 

 

Some sex acts are off the table.

 

 

Spouses can not meet their F buddy alone.

 

 

One by one all of there rules get broken. As the open marriage goes on the wife is having no problems getting laid and her husband is struggling because he is not getting the same amount of willing women let alone women that are as attractive then his wife.

[oldshirt]

Baloney.

 

 

Of the purest kind.

 

 

Many a wife loses respect for their husbands when they are allowed to bang OM.

 

 

This is why the when the husband becomes alarmed that the wife's physical relationship becomes an emotional one aw well. Then when the husband wants her to stop seeing her F buddy the wife denies there is an EA and that she is addicted to the F buddy. She does her best to do damage control and convince her husband he has nothing to worry about.

 

 

When the wife can not string her husband along she pretends to go NC with the F buddy.

 

 

This is when the they become a BH, WW with an OM. The OM has connected with the WW and convinces her to leave the marriage. Now kids are from a broken home.

 

 

And do not tell about rules.

 

 

The OM are experts and getting the WW's to break rules.

 

 

Husband ok we can have an open marriage.

 

 

Condoms must be worn.

 

 

Some sex acts are off the table.

 

 

Spouses can not meet their F buddy alone.

 

 

One by one all of there rules get broken. As the open marriage goes on the wife is having no problems getting laid and her husband is struggling because he is not getting the same amount of willing women let alone women that are as attractive then his wife.

 

 

 

And why is what I said baloney of the purest kind when you go on to say pretty much what I just said?

 

 

Why are you disagreeing with me when you are saying the same thing?

[Grizzly101]

UPDATE!

So, I finally had enough of no sex. H was out of town and he made a joke over the phone about sex. Took it upon myself to take it further. Ended up sexting some very suggestive material. He followed by the same. He ended up calling. I came clean in why I was not initiating sex. Didn't tell him who OM was by name, just that he knew who he was. He said he didn't care who I was thinking about as long as I was doing it to him. In fact he encouraged it. We are going for an over nighter tomorrow, I forced it. He is open to adding other partners for me as long as u can handle it emotionally. I also made him tell me about women that he fantasized about. Turns out he is crushing in our grocery gal. Maybe I will have to try to hook him up for being so understanding.

Hopefully, with my new openness here, I will be able to get him to connect on other levels. Still trying to keep OM thoughts to a minimum.

[Lamron]

The fuse is lit.