Friskyone4u Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 Grizzly, IMO you ought to reconsider the swinging thing before you make a big mistake. No one says you have to watch your husband have sex with anyone. That would be up to you. But it appears from your posts that you are about to go down a very slippery slope and ruin what appears to be a good relationship. You seem to have good enough communication with husband to enter into some form of non-monogomy if that is what you want. If you start to cheat, it will not be the sex that destroys your marraige. It will be the lies and deception that you will surely do if as you state you do not limit it to a ONS. The fact that your husband likes to fantasize about you being with another man in no way means that he wouild like it all done behind his back. There are those on the board urging you to just put these thoughts out of your mind. Probably a good first choice, but does not sound to realistic for you from what you say right now. You have a chance to possibly keep your marraige intact if you communicate properly. Don't blow the opportunity. 1
BeholdtheMan Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 He cheated (in my book), sleeping with girl about a month before we were engaged.If he did this behind your back while you two were in an exclusive relationship, then it would be cheating in any book He also had some kissing and inappropriate contact with a woman about 6 years into our marriage.OK, so more cheating during marriage They did not sleep together, he stopped it before that and told me.He could be lying. Even if he were telling the truth, sexual touching and kissing constitute cheating. I find it hard to believe that the two were making out and groping each other but suddenly decided to stop before sex. It hurt, but I was glad he told me. I believe he has been faithful to this point.You believe We have an amazing sex life. But I feel something of a connection on other levels is not there.Might this have to do with his past cheating? I have been honest with my husband about being attracted to other men and wondering what sex with them would be like and it only seemed to turn him on! I am wanting help with these feelings, please! Your husband might have a cuckold fantasy...something I'm not into but some men are. You have the following options: 1) Ask your husband for an open relationship. Maybe he'll enjoy watching you f*ck your friend. Maybe he'll go ballistic at the suggestion. Who knows. 2) Cheat behind your husband's back. He's done it to you before...but that doesn't make an affair of your own morally OK 3) Consider divorce if you're truly not connected to your husband anymore. This decision will probably take the most courage as it entails the risk of the unknown. Your relationship with your "friend" might be great as one between friends who see each other once in a while...it might not work out so well as a serious long-term relationship. Most relationships with an AP (or in your case, a potential AP) are built on excitement and a sense of mystery, not completely knowing the other person as you know your spouse. If you want to explore life, take a risk, you could consider an amicable divorce. You only live once. How do you think your husband would react to the idea of divorce? 1
underwater2010 Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 I need help understanding why I feel this way. I have been married for 20 years, together for 25! He was my "first love" and the only man I have had sex with. He was experienced when we started dating and apparently, without him going into the cruel details, and said he "was not committed until we got engaged" after 5years of dating. He cheated (in my book), sleeping with girl about a month before we were engaged. He also had some kissing and inappropriate contact with a woman about 6 years into our marriage. They did not sleep together, he stopped it before that and told me. It hurt, but I was glad he told me. I believe he has been faithful to this point. He has not been faithful....kissing and inappropriate contact is CHEATING. However, you chose to stay with him. No a bad or wrong decision. But a choice non the less. Just trying to clear your thought process. As far as you know he has been faithful for the last 14 yrs. We have an 18yr old son who is going to college in the fall. We have an amazing sex life. But I feel something of a connection on other levels is not there. Do you realize how many women on here would change places with you in a heartbeat. A lot of us would give anything for an amazing sex life. That being said...what do you think is truly missing? I have a friend who stimulates my mind and sense of adventure. Things he has said have made me realize that I can be more as a person and I have made some changes in my life because of that, changes that my husband sees as positive. In the 4 years I have known him, I have been rawly attracted to him. Something he is aware of, but never acted on. That raw attraction is the reason you should have run the other direction in the first place. It is your body's way of telling you that you cannot just be friends or be alone with this person. I saw him a few weeks ago, taking a friend with me since I knows inhibitions are low when drinking and I get very sexual. When I hugged him goodbye and left him at his hotel, the desire to go up with him was so strong. So far you have kept yourself in check....good job. I will see him again in a few months, this time I am the visitor with a hotel room. I have played the scenario over in my mind so many times. I know it is wrong. At this point I have done nothing wrong. I know I can't. I have been honest with my husband about being attracted to other men and wondering what sex with them would be like and it only seemed to turn him on! But those were strangers, not someone in my life that I have a friendship with. I want to tell my husband how I feel, but don't know how. I want to know why I feel this when my husband satisfies me sexually. I bet the reason you haven't told your husband about this person specifically is because you know he will ask to discontinue the relationship. It might be a turn on to IMAGINE you with another man, but it is another thing when it actually happens. Please don't brand me with the scarlet letter! I have not cheated. I am wanting help with these feelings, please! You cannot be branded until you cross the line. You need to run away....and fast. Stop it while you have the chance. Your esteem and positive changes need to come from within...not from someone outside your marriage.[/QUOTE] see bolded.
SD1000 Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 It is killing me now, and I have only done it in my mind! After reading many threads here during the past few months, one thing is clear. If you love your husband and he trusts you, one night of affair sex is not worth the months of extreme heartache and misery followed by a permanent change in the trust your husband has for you. If you follow through and have a ONS or an affair, you have much more to lose and you may always regret it. To me, that is sobering enough. 2
road Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 No matter what your WH did you having a RA will not fix anything. Next you have shown that you are to not go out drinking without your husband. Last married people do not need opposite sex friends or to go away on over night trips to meet them.
Author Grizzly101 Posted February 27, 2014 Author Posted February 27, 2014 (edited) I would not be open to him watching me and my friend, a stranger is different, as that you would never see him/her again. In high school, he wanted to have a threesome and I was on board to try it. It was with another guy. I was not okay having intercourse with his friend because I was a virgin when I had sex with him and wanted him to be the only one (oh to have the mind of a 17yr old again when I thought I would only ever have eyes for him). But at that time, we didn't view oral as sex (could've worked for Clinton, lol), so I gave his friend oral while he did me from behind and gave him oral while friend gave me oral. He was weird about it for a while, but I think it had to go with age. He thought I was thinking about the friend when we were together, which I wasn't. I love him and divorce is not an option unless we completely drift apart after the nest is empty. We have been close to divorce a few time and have always worked through it. We both say that we are too stubborn to quit. Sometimes that is what it takes. As far as the friend, I do not desire a relationship with him. This is not an emotional thing. I know I have to tell my husband because of the guilt I already feel. Who knows, maybe he will give me a free pass. He has a very different philosophy and says "sex is sex and love is love, the two are different." I often wonder if that was said to make me feel better about the cheating early on or to pave the way in the future. I know I can't have an affair, no matter how easily it could be done, I know he would not expect and probably never find out about it. No matter how strong my desire is. There has to be an underlining issue as to why I feel so strongly about this guy in particular. I have fought it for four years. Edited February 27, 2014 by Grizzly101 Misspelling
whichwayisup Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 The thing that is so crazy is that our sex life is amazing. We are not lacking in that department. The other guy is the type that would not get attached if we did sleep together, I think that is part of the lure. He is a "no strings" kinda guy. We are also not bff's that share everything and spend a lot of time together, again, part of the lure, I think. Any advise on telling my husband? I already feel like I have had the crazy night of unbridled sex because of wanting to. At some point he is going to notice that something is not right with me. You and your husband need to change things up and have some fun outside of the bedroom, bond that way. You say you have a great sex life at home, but it seems the emotional connection isn't happening. So, instead of lusting after another man, focus that energy into your husband. Stop spending one on one time with the other guy. Don't justify it or make excuses as to why you don't want to or can't - Just set boundaries up, and make yourself stop thinking of him 'that' way. Otherwise your marriage IS a risk. Do talk to your husband and let him know how you feel and why. Hopefully together you two can work through this. if need be, go to marriage counseling and let him into your heart, don't push him away or run to someone else. 2
Author Grizzly101 Posted February 27, 2014 Author Posted February 27, 2014 You and your husband need to change things up and have some fun outside of the bedroom, bond that way. You say you have a great sex life at home, but it seems the emotional connection isn't happening. So, instead of lusting after another man, focus that energy into your husband. Stop spending one on one time with the other guy. Don't justify it or make excuses as to why you don't want to or can't - Just set boundaries up, and make yourself stop thinking of him 'that' way. Otherwise your marriage IS a risk. Do talk to your husband and let him know how you feel and why. Hopefully together you two can work through this. if need be, go to marriage counseling and let him into your heart, don't push him away or run to someone else. I only see this guy a couple times a year, just as an FYI ( no snarkiness intended, can't hear tone in message). I try to do things with him, but him and my son are the dynamic duo. They ride dirt bike together, I got one, had it for 10 years and sold it because he never took me. They snowboard together, I have tried it and do not enjoy it. He lives to fish, I go and enjoy it, but he then obsesses and it is all he wants to do. My entire life has been built on trying to please him and wanting him to spend time with me. I even agreed to go hunting with him, if it is for turkey's, because they are not cute and I could probably shoot it. We used to enjoy going to football games together, I gave up season ticket for son (couldn't afford 3) and recently went to a few games again. He talked and interacted with the guys next to us and didn't know I was alive.
Author Grizzly101 Posted February 27, 2014 Author Posted February 27, 2014 Next you have shown that you are to not go out drinking without your husband. Last married people do not need opposite sex friends or to go away on over night trips to meet them. My husband knew I was meeting him that night and we were going to a bar. I took a friend with me so that I was 100% sure nothing would happen. I am going out of town to meet a mutual friend of ours., not for the purpose of meeting him, just to clear any confusion. My fear was that if I was weak, my motel and opportunity for bad choices to be made. The majority of my friends are male and always have been. Husband dies not mind.
atreides Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 (edited) As opposed to men like her husband, who don't just contemplate it, but actually do cheat? OP, are you resentful about your husbands past infidelities? We can be so busy building a life and raising the kids that we ignore resentments, but it grows harder to ignore when the kids get older, leave for college, and you have some time to think about things..... I am not going to say who cheats more, i think it is equal... my issue is as to when... especially if age is a factor as well.. like 19... really? That is exploration time and discovery of different love of what fits best, not decades later. Before engagement or cultural equivalent, it is not cheating in my opinion regardless of gender.... so many times i read, "they cheated before we got serious or engaged or married" There is a reason why we have social tiers of commitment. Cheating is not the perspective of "pain felt" that is not the cheat, the cheat is going against your commitment that worked its way up all the social tiers to the ultimate point of giving your whole self to the one you love. We all feel pain from a loss of "perceived love", some after a first date, some after 3 dates and some after months but the pain felt is not the context of the cheat, it is a result of which perhaps. As for the OP, communicate how you feel, you say he seems turned on by being cuck'd... fine it may be just theory to him but COMMUNICATE and see where your H will set the boundaries. If it is only in theory to your H and never to be a reality, then you need to drop these thoughts and work on your M with your H to satisfy or help satisfy. Your story is somewhat similar to another user here where "open" relationships were discussed in theory but were never to be a reality and thus she went ahead and is now paying the price of rebuilding her M. Edited February 27, 2014 by atreides
atreides Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 (edited) I have always resented both, he knows how I feel, he was honest about it, so I forgave him. But I can't help feeling like "why did he get to have fun and I didn't", which is horribly wrong! In my opinion, you guys were too young... 19.. eh ok but for arguments sake, you said he why did he get to have fun and you didn't? Well in order to win you back was the price of that "fun" so I am sure this "perceived" gain you are thinking of was paid for in order to win you back... Now decades later in a M and supposed to be all the wiser, what price will you pay? Don't make a list of complaints... please.. no M is perfect, I could make a list on my wife and she with me, but that has nothing to do with "oh she is cute, maybe i would like to sexually explore with her" Those two thoughts are worlds apart. However communicate these fantasies with your H, you said he gets turned on and all this talk of 3somes, perhaps he will be open to it or try out an open marriage but COMMUNICATE and understand that theory is just that... once it is real feelings can change on a dime. Whatever you do... do not cross any boundaries set by your and your H. Edited February 27, 2014 by atreides 1
Author Grizzly101 Posted February 27, 2014 Author Posted February 27, 2014 He also cheated 6yrs in. Have not asked him if there have been others, that would only hurt more. I did choose to stay because I did it for the greater good. I know he has that fantasy, but it can't be with my friend. I don't need a life long pissing contest everytime he is around my friend.
atreides Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 (edited) He also cheated 6yrs in. Have not asked him if there have been others, that would only hurt more. I did choose to stay because I did it for the greater good. I know he has that fantasy, but it can't be with my friend. I don't need a life long pissing contest everytime he is around my friend. Oh, i missed that.. so he cheated 6 years in the M... wow... well.. what did you make him do to earn your commitment, to stay with him in your M? What is the greater good? Kids? Stability? Saving face? Family? You still need to communicate this to your H. Edited February 27, 2014 by atreides
Author Grizzly101 Posted February 27, 2014 Author Posted February 27, 2014 Oh, i missed that.. so he cheated 6 years in the M... wow... well.. what did you make him do to earn your commitment, to stay with him in your M? What is the greater good? Kids? Stability? Saving face? Family? You still need to communicate this to your H. My son was only 4yrs old. I didn't want to divorce. I believed him that it didn't go farther than touching and kissing ( I was in the believe that intercourse was sex/cheating, that's how he portrayed it) and that he stopped it. We were going through a rough patch during that time, so I partially felt at fault for it. I wanted it to work because I took a vow. He was the first for me and I was proud of that. I wanted the 'til death do us part thing.
road Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 Next you have shown that you are to not go out drinking without your husband. Last married people do not need opposite sex friends or to go away on over night trips to meet them. My husband knew I was meeting him that night and we were going to a bar. I took a friend with me so that I was 100% sure nothing would happen. I am going out of town to meet a mutual friend of ours., not for the purpose of meeting him, just to clear any confusion. My fear was that if I was weak, my motel and opportunity for bad choices to be made. The majority of my friends are male and always have been. Husband dies not mind. You are playing with fire. You are making false justifications.
oldshirt Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 My wife and I used to be very active swingers (we did not have an open marriage) and I am very familiar with that lifestyle. Some couples are well suited to consensual nonmonogamy and the vast majority are not. You two are definately not an "ideal" couple for a consensual 'arrangement' but may be the lesser of several evils in the particular situation. Since your husband has made it clear he is interested in seeing you with other men, I can tell you with certainty that he will be REAL pissed if you cheat. Now it's a no brained that any husband will be pissed if his wife cheats but that will be magnified a hundredfold with your husband since he has offered a pathway for which you to be with other men and since he will feel cheated not only that you gave your sexuality and love'n to someone else but that you did it in secret thus depriving him of the threesome experience he is wanting to have. I see three options here on how you can deal with your craving for sexual variety (which is normal, natural and we all have them) - suck it up and live with the craving and frustration. -cheat and risk destroying your marriage and living with all the pain and fallout of that. Even if you don't get caught your relationship will suffer because your feelings and sexuality will be subdivided between two men and your husband will be on the short end of the stick and will become frustrated and resentful and know that something is wrong even if he doesn't know what. He'll eventually start snooping. - approach your husband about discussing the possibilities of allowing others into the marital bed under mutually agreed upon conditions. This will involve a lot of very open and honest communication, respect, compassion and compromise. It is the hardest of the three options as far as work and effort but the payoff if less pain and drama and potentially A LOT of fun and excitement. With a lot of communication and negotiating it may be determined your husband is ok with you meeting your friend alone occasionally and just hearing the details. He may not insist you see him with other women, he may be ok with it being one-sided as long as he is included in the process and not cheated on behind his back. I think the important take-away message here is it will be far far less damaging if you two discuss this and work out an arrangement rather than if you go behind his back. It will involve a lot more work and communication and compromise, but the damage will be far less than actual infidelity. 1
onemanband Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 This is something u don't want to do think of the balance in the relationship what do you have to lose vs the on don't risk it talk to your h be open he may forgive if this happens but he won't forget the truth may hurt for a while but a lie will become a cancer in your relationship in my eyes u r in a EA don't put yourself in that predicament its not worth it
Author Grizzly101 Posted February 27, 2014 Author Posted February 27, 2014 I tried talking to him last night about doing things, just us. His idea if doing things just us is going out, having a few drinks and coming home for drunk sex. He does not talk to me at home, he will call all day and I have all but refused to talk to him about anything important on the phone. I have told him that I am tired of having a telephone relationship with him. I need more. Please talk to me about it at home...conversation does not occur. To busy with NFL network, fishing shows, iPad/iPhone and talking to my son. The no connection makes me crave the attention and fantasy of something else.
CarrieT Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 I tried talking to him last night about doing things, just us. His idea if doing things just us is going out, having a few drinks and coming home for drunk sex. He does not talk to me at home, he will call all day and I have all but refused to talk to him about anything important on the phone. I have told him that I am tired of having a telephone relationship with him. I need more. Please talk to me about it at home...conversation does not occur. To busy with NFL network, fishing shows, iPad/iPhone and talking to my son. The no connection makes me crave the attention and fantasy of something else. I'm confused - "Him" your husband or "Him" the guy you are crushing on that you want to cheat with?
Scott Thomas Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 Perhaps you should tell him that you're on the verge of an affair unless he changes. Tell him that you fantasise about the OM and are likely to fall into an affair unless you both act pre-emptively. Book a cruise, go out for a picnic, read books together, especially those pertaining to relationships( I've found his needs, her needs, the five languages of love, men are from Mars women are from Venus and why women cheat particularly useful). As a side note, you mentioned that he is an amazing husband, you two have great sex and are still quite close/intimate. Now you're stating that he rarely pays attention. Have you started re-writing your marriage/ justifying an A right now?
Author Grizzly101 Posted February 27, 2014 Author Posted February 27, 2014 I'm confused - "Him" your husband or "Him" the guy you are crushing on that you want to cheat with? Him my husband. Sorry, shoulda specified.
Author Grizzly101 Posted February 27, 2014 Author Posted February 27, 2014 Perhaps you should tell him that you're on the verge of an affair unless he changes. Tell him that you fantasise about the OM and are likely to fall into an affair unless you both act pre-emptively. Book a cruise, go out for a picnic, read books together, especially those pertaining to relationships( I've found his needs, her needs, the five languages of love, men are from Mars women are from Venus and why women cheat particularly useful). As a side note, you mentioned that he is an amazing husband, you two have great sex and are still quite close/intimate. Now you're stating that he rarely pays attention. Have you started re-writing your marriage/ justifying an A right now? I guess when I say amazing husband, I mean that he has always provided for me, put up with my quirks and been a great father. That type of thing. The sex is undeniably fantastic! Not trying to justify an A. I know it's wrong, no matter what. We were supposed to go to Vegas for NASCAR race in a few weeks, just us ( totally not into it, but he is and I selfishly thought about the scene in Taladaga Nigjts where the woman points out the vibration of the cars and figured thatight he a bonus). Then he wants our son to go...I backed out of the trip. He doesn't have a desire to be alone, with his ever willing wife in sin city, he wants our son to go!
CarrieT Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 You should go on the Vegas trip and look at it as an opportunity to reignite what is missing in your marriage.
Author Grizzly101 Posted February 27, 2014 Author Posted February 27, 2014 You should go on the Vegas trip and look at it as an opportunity to reignite what is missing in your marriage. I was thinking that in the first place, one of my reasons for going. But I can't reconnect when he insists on our son coming. I am a third wheel to the dynamic duo.
CarrieT Posted February 27, 2014 Posted February 27, 2014 You said he WANTED his son -- is it booked and solid? If not, I'd urge him to reconsider... If it is a done deal, than suggest that you two need some alone time together soon.
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