Grizzly101 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I need help understanding why I feel this way. I have been married for 20 years, together for 25! He was my "first love" and the only man I have had sex with. He was experienced when we started dating and apparently, without him going into the cruel details, and said he "was not committed until we got engaged" after 5years of dating. He cheated (in my book), sleeping with girl about a month before we were engaged. He also had some kissing and inappropriate contact with a woman about 6 years into our marriage. They did not sleep together, he stopped it before that and told me. It hurt, but I was glad he told me. I believe he has been faithful to this point. We have an 18yr old son who is going to college in the fall. We have an amazing sex life. But I feel something of a connection on other levels is not there. I have a friend who stimulates my mind and sense of adventure. Things he has said have made me realize that I can be more as a person and I have made some changes in my life because of that, changes that my husband sees as positive. In the 4 years I have known him, I have been rawly attracted to him. Something he is aware of, but never acted on. I saw him a few weeks ago, taking a friend with me since I knows inhibitions are low when drinking and I get very sexual. When I hugged him goodbye and left him at his hotel, the desire to go up with him was so strong. I will see him again in a few months, this time I am the visitor with a hotel room. I have played the scenario over in my mind so many times. I know it is wrong. At this point I have done nothing wrong. I know I can't. I have been honest with my husband about being attracted to other men and wondering what sex with them would be like and it only seemed to turn him on! But those were strangers, not someone in my life that I have a friendship with. I want to tell my husband how I feel, but don't know how. I want to know why I feel this when my husband satisfies me sexually. Please don't brand me with the scarlet letter! I have not cheated. I am wanting help with these feelings, please!
pteromom Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I have played the scenario over in my mind so many times. What you feed is what you feel. You keep thinking about this guy, and the more you think about him, the stronger the desire to sleep with him gets. If you make a conscious decision to CHANGE those thoughts, the desire will subside. Instead of fantasizing about this friend, how about coming up with some kind of plan to seduce and surprise your husband? Maybe a weekend at a nice hotel and spa. Buy some lingerie, buy some toys, make a plan... get your mind and desire all worked up about THAT instead. Because you don't want to sleep with this friend of yours and just make a mess out of your life. What if you fall in love with him? What if he falls in love with you? What if he insists on telling your husband to dissolve his guilt? What if it turns into a full-blown affair? Just don't go down that path. 5
M30USA Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I find it I interesting how on this site there seem to be just as many, if not more, women who contenaye cheating than men. Where did the stereotype come from that cheaters and those who "look around" are mostly men? 1
M30USA Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I find it I interesting how on this site there seem to be just as many, if not more, women who contemplate cheating than men. Where did the stereotype come from that cheaters and those who "look around" are mostly men? My ex wife, at the end of our marriage, told me she might have an affair if the opportunity arose! I mean, what the hell are you supposed to SAY to that?
xxoo Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I find it I interesting how on this site there seem to be just as many, if not more, women who contemplate cheating than men. Where did the stereotype come from that cheaters and those who "look around" are mostly men? My ex wife, at the end of our marriage, told me she might have an affair if the opportunity arose! I mean, what the hell are you supposed to SAY to that? As opposed to men like her husband, who don't just contemplate it, but actually do cheat? OP, are you resentful about your husbands past infidelities? We can be so busy building a life and raising the kids that we ignore resentments, but it grows harder to ignore when the kids get older, leave for college, and you have some time to think about things..... 5
Author Grizzly101 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 The thing that is so crazy is that our sex life is amazing. We are not lacking in that department. The other guy is the type that would not get attached if we did sleep together, I think that is part of the lure. He is a "no strings" kinda guy. We are also not bff's that share everything and spend a lot of time together, again, part of the lure, I think. Any advise on telling my husband? I already feel like I have had the crazy night of unbridled sex because of wanting to. At some point he is going to notice that something is not right with me.
xxoo Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I've been married as long as you (no infidelities). We are very open with one another, and I'd simply tell him in a fun, fantasy sharing way if I'm having fantasies about someone. Role play is fun. That usually takes the edge off. 1
janedoe67 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I would tell him, and I would retrain your brain to stop these thoughts. It can be done. Replace them with something constructive. How did you two deal with his affair? 3
snappytomcat Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 The thing that is so crazy is that our sex life is amazing. We are not lacking in that department. The other guy is the type that would not get attached if we did sleep together, I think that is part of the lure. He is a "no strings" kinda guy. We are also not bff's that share everything and spend a lot of time together, again, part of the lure, I think. Any advise on telling my husband? I already feel like I have had the crazy night of unbridled sex because of wanting to. At some point he is going to notice that something is not right with me. I agree tell your husband,and you say this guy is a no strings attached kinda guy,but how do you think you would feel if you slept with him,i think you would feel some emotional attachment to him,as you kinda sound like all ready do,thinking,and fantasizing about him so much 2
Author Grizzly101 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 The first one, right before engagement, I went psycho & threw things, the went into a deep depression, didn't eat for three days, it was awful . I was 19 and thought my life was over. He said it made him realize how much he really loved and needed me. I loved him, even though I was hurt, so we moved on. The second incident he didn't feel like he "cheated" because it didn't go farther than kissing and touching. I went forward, feeling betrayed, and because I made marriage vows. I have always resented both, he knows how I feel, he was honest about it, so I forgave him. But I can't help feeling like "why did he get to have fun and I didn't", which is horribly wrong! 1
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I'm not great at music on the internet but find a song by Reba McIntyre (I think) called Is There Life Out There? It's about a women who married young but now that her kids are grown she wonders about the life she could have had. It may speak to you. I don't know that I'd tell your husband you have these urges toward a man you know & respect. I think your husband might try to do something like force you to stop interacting with him although I would encourage you to put some distance in here. If you are feeling more adventurous, see what you can do to take your husband on these adventures with you. Try to inspire him to encourage you the way this other man does. As you are about to have an empty nest, you are embarking on the next phase of your life. You don't have to do that by jettisoning everything from this phase. 2
Buckeye2 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I would tell your husband everything you told us here. You seem to have a good marriage now and it would be a shame to risk it all for an ONS. Do you plan on living the rest of your life with your husband? Would you like to do that guilt free? You’re rationalizing your husband’s behavior before marriage and some “kissing and inappropriate contact” 14 years ago to excuse spending the night in a hotel with another man now. You seem to be a pretty honest person and your husband could probably see it on your face even if you didn’t get caught. If you tell your husband, he could help you resist or give you permission (which you implied he might do). 2
Author Grizzly101 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 I agree tell your husband,and you say this guy is a no strings attached kinda guy,but how do you think you would feel if you slept with him,i think you would feel some emotional attachment to him,as you kinda sound like all ready do,thinking,and fantasizing about him so much I would probably want to do it again. I don't think it would stop at once. We don't live close, so that is saving grace! But I do have a huge connection emotionally, have since we met the first time. But as far as having a real relationship with him, I don't see that. This is so dangerous. I really am not proud if this. 1
OpheliaSong Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Maybe a discussion can be opened on open marriages...that way no one cheats and you both get to have your sexual fun. I detest cheating....it is better to come up with something you both can agree on and feel good about. Check out polyamory too. That way you can have relationships with your husband and the other man. 1
Author Grizzly101 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 I would tell your husband everything you told us here. You seem to have a good marriage now and it would be a shame to risk it all for an ONS. Do you plan on living the rest of your life with your husband? Would you like to do that guilt free? You’re rationalizing your husband’s behavior before marriage and some “kissing and inappropriate contact” 14 years ago to excuse spending the night in a hotel with another man now. You seem to be a pretty honest person and your husband could probably see it on your face even if you didn’t get caught. If you tell your husband, he could help you resist or give you permission (which you implied he might do). You see right through me with the rationalizing! I am trying hard not to...because I know that eye for an eye BS is just that. You are right that I have to tell him. I don't want to hurt him (like cheating wouldn't!) and make him insecure. Would you feel better about your spouse telling you 100%, not a cliff note version? Would you be able to trust me after? I can't act on this, it is a deep desire. But I also don't wNt to be treated like in did cheat when I am trying to come clean.
snappytomcat Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I would probably want to do it again. I don't think it would stop at once. We don't live close, so that is saving grace! But I do have a huge connection emotionally, have since we met the first time. But as far as having a real relationship with him, I don't see that. This is so dangerous. I really am not proud if this. last june I found out my husband had cheated on me it was a 3 year long distance affair,after I found out I wanted to go out and sleep with other people,beacause I felt like you,why does he get to have fun with someone else,and I don't,and im really happy I didn't it would have made me feel even worse,and since weve been to mc,he said he didn't have fun during the affair,he felt sick,and disgusting the whole time im glad you came here to talk about this,and not hurt your husband,sounds like you 2 have a good relationship 2
Author Grizzly101 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 And "is there life out there" has been my theme song for 15 years, lol
Buckeye2 Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 The first one, right before engagement, I went psycho & threw things, the went into a deep depression, didn't eat for three days, it was awful . I was 19 and thought my life was over. He said it made him realize how much he really loved and needed me. I loved him, even though I was hurt, so we moved on. The second incident he didn't feel like he "cheated" because it didn't go farther than kissing and touching. I went forward, feeling betrayed, and because I made marriage vows. I have always resented both, he knows how I feel, he was honest about it, so I forgave him. But I can't help feeling like "why did he get to have fun and I didn't", which is horribly wrong! If you spend the night with the OM, are you going to be honest about it like your husband? 2
harrybrown Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 Do tell your H and not the condensed version. You should get the OM out of your life. Stop all contact. For the few nights of "fun" and stds, you will ruin your life, and your H's life. Just like my wife ruined my life. It has been over 3 years, and I still do not have the love back. But if you want to have fun, go have fun, just divorce your H first. 2
Author Grizzly101 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 If you spend the night with the OM, are you going to be honest about it like your husband? It would kill me not to be...
Author Grizzly101 Posted February 26, 2014 Author Posted February 26, 2014 It is killing me now, and I have only done it in my mind!
xxoo Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I think you should just tell him. Expect him to be understanding and help you have some fun with it, in a fantasy sense. Frankly, I think he owes you that. 1
kalimata Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 In the 4 years I have known him, I have been rawly attracted to him. Something he is aware of, but never acted on. How do you know he is aware of this? Did you make an overt pass at him? If so how did he respond? In my mind you have already crossed the boundary for cheating. Going out with a friend to lure in another man, this is definitely cheating. Tell your husband the truth.
oldshirt Posted February 26, 2014 Posted February 26, 2014 I'm going to shift gears completely here. You are full grown adults. Your child is essentially grown. You have a good sexlife. Your husband has actually responded positively when you've told him that you've had attractions to other men and you admit this guy is no-strings and won't become attached to you. Would you consider discussing the possibilities of open marriage/swinging with your husband? People in long term marriages have attractions and such to other people. That cannot be stopped, it's how we are hardwired. Sometimes if a couple has good communication, good trust, a fundamentally satisfying sexlife and are willing to face up to the fact that being married doesn't mean you never have attractions to others again, sometimes it's better to release some of that pressure in a controlled mutually agreed upon manner rather than let it build up to an uncontrollable degree and have it burst like a dam breaking. Some marriages can thrive and flourish in an open marriage/swinging. VeryVery few can survive cheating. 1
Author Grizzly101 Posted February 27, 2014 Author Posted February 27, 2014 I'm going to shift gears completely here. You are full grown adults. Your child is essentially grown. You have a good sexlife. Your husband has actually responded positively when you've told him that you've had attractions to other men and you admit this guy is no-strings and won't become attached to you. Would you consider discussing the possibilities of open marriage/swinging with your husband? People in long term marriages have attractions and such to other people. That cannot be stopped, it's how we are hardwired. Sometimes if a couple has good communication, good trust, a fundamentally satisfying sexlife and are willing to face up to the fact that being married doesn't mean you never have attractions to others again, sometimes it's better to release some of that pressure in a controlled mutually agreed upon manner rather than let it build up to an uncontrollable degree and have it burst like a dam breaking. Some marriages can thrive and flourish in an open marriage/swinging. VeryVery few can survive cheating. He has talked about swinging before. He would like to watch me with another man/woman. He has asked me to fantasize about pretending he was someone else and while using toys asked me to think about others, then he would take it away and have sex with me. I personally could do it for his fantasy BUT would worry if I enjoyed it too much that he would feel weird. I, however, do not have any desire to watch him have sex with someone else...so swinging would be out. I feel it unfair that I would receive pleasure by someone else but not him.
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